I feel shut down over concern of my boyfriends £15k loan

[Riley01]

Hello

My boyfriends recently had to scrap his car and has decided he is going to get a van to go camping in. Throughout the process I have been putting forward questions and things to consider (e.g what about major repairs, change in the market towards electric cars, sharing a car whilst he saves up, parking issues etc). I also took the pictures/info to a friend of mine who is a mechanic to see what he thought. This has been something my boyfriend has wanted to do for a while, so I have been trying to support him but, I personally think this is too big of a risk, and have been trying to highlight these risks. The van is abroad, over 40 years old and 15k. Regardless, he has been to view it by himself and decided he wants it.

In additon to personal risk, another element of the situation has been bothering me. Myself (28) and my boyfriend (27) have been together for 5 years and have been talking about starting a family together. It does not seem like the smartest financial move to possibly become indebted whilst we're starting up. We are not married, which he didn't want and I am indifferent to, but I do want commitment that I am failing to see. I don't even have a share in the house. It worries me that he seems to be thinking as a single man rather than considering me too.

Before he put a deposit down, I told him these concerns and he got very angry, saying i'm treating him like he's stupid for bring up my concerns like he's not considered them. It also feels like it has been twisted into me expecting him to provide for a family when i "bring nothing to the table" and "won't be for the next 5 years", which is the duration of the loan. This has been paticularly hurtful as I have never not worked. I have been doing a full time doctorate alongside working 30 hours a week, and all of my expenses go towards bills/study.. so I don't really have savings. I have 2 years left of my course, so not sure where 5 years has come from. I'm just feeling utterly deflated and unable to speak up without coming across wrong, unless i'm out of touch on this one. Wondering others opinions?

You're right, thank you for your advice.

First things first, you're young. Stop being so worried about having a baby right now.

Secondly, I wonder if some of your anxiety is about the future of the relationship and your need to know it is secure and lasting in the face of troubling evidence to the contrary.

Thirdly, and this may well be only me, but I would not ever factor in someone else supporting me financially. You can and should not rely on that.

My money says, it may be time to call this off before it's too late, and start again. Find a better man. And listen to your instincts, as they are shouting to you now perhaps.

but my whole adult life has pretty much revolved around this as a dream of mine, so to have my commitment and work ethic questioned is somewhat of a sore point.

Fair enough. But it's odd to say the above and then plan to have a baby as soon as you've submitted rather than actually do your dream.

Yes, those are good points. You can't fairly say it's a sound financial investement thought when you haven't even seen a picture of the van.

No, 2 years in to the relationship. His parents kindly let us live in their house to commute to work whilst we saved for a desposit. His parents then gave him one because he wanted to leave asap and I didn't have savings to put in at the time.

I am incredibly confident I will find a job quickly. He has not been putting in all the effort! I have been paying 50/50 on bills and mortage until recently, where I just pay bills.

Please do not fall into a trap of having children with someone you’re not married to.
marriage is not all about romance and promises and a happily ever after.
it is a financial and legal contract that provides you ( as the mother and likelihood main caregiver, the one whose earning potential is impacted most by having kids), him and children the security, rights, and mutual benefits and liabilities.
I do not understand women who don’t understand this
I certainly don’t get the level of ignorance that gets women into a situation where the partner is contributing nothing to their children, or women being booted out “his home” , or being left with nothing after years of being a SAHM when he decides he’s had enough.
don’t fall into the trap of dismissing marriage. Sure it’s fine if you don’t want kids as long as you ring fence your own assets. But bring pregnancy, maternity leave and the pay/pension gap you’ll get once you’ve had children you’re at best naïve, foolish, and poorly informed if you are unmarried

This is the problem.. he hasn't done the savings part. I would even feel more comfortable if it was straight cash and not a loan, so he wouldn't have repairs on top of a monthly payment if it went downhil. I suggested sharing my car and saving up for a year.

Absolutely, like I say, I have almost shared his dream of travelling and looking at van conversions over the years.. and would like that too. I just have concerns about how he's going about it. I think you summed it up in that it's not the money, it's my trust in him making sound financial decisions if we were to have children in the future that i'm questioning.

It's unique, not sure if it's classic or iconic enough to hold value though. It's a refurbished emergency services vehicle. We were originally talking about land rover defenders which I felt more comfortable with them holding value. Truth be told I have no idea! It could be a great investement! I just think we don't know enough to take the risk, and the money might be better spent on a newer, cheaper van like you say.

Thank you for the advice.

This

Having a baby is a bigger dream. I have grown up and my priorities have shifted.

You're right and I worry this may be the case in light of his parents relationship.

He has never wanted to get married and I have never been fussed if I had commitment anyway but as time has gone on, this hasn't seemed to be the case. I imagine I am naive some ways about the benefits/ security marriage brings too.

Thank you for the advice. I suppose pressure from my own mum isn't helping this.

Absolutely, I think this is the case.

I am of the same mindset but it would be incredibly difficult to completely fund myself whilst undertaking this degree.. so that would mean waiting a little longer really.

I think so too.

He has a job
If he wants a van, he can buy one
We have a 40 year old van & my partner does all his own repairs. We have been on some fantastic adventures together.
However, we both love travelling & a baby is definitely not on our agenda

Having a baby is a bigger dream. I have grown up and my priorities have shifted.

What's the point in carrying on then? Can't say it looks like you have grown up but never mind.

But stop saying you'll have this dream career, it's all you've ever wanted, it'll be amazing etc. when actually you'd rather be knee deep in nappies.

These things aren't mutually exclusive to me.. I would like both.

Yes, nevermind.

I would never stay with a man who told me I brought nothing to the table. That's nasty.
I would move out and live in student accommodation or get a flat share until I qualified and would then buy my own house.
You don't want a baby with a man who doesn't respect you.

I think it was a blunt comment meaning it's his loan and risk but it's clearly brought up deeper insecurities as you are living in his house on his terms. I would imagine 50% of bills and an equivalent you would pay for a house share for rent that he can choose to save for your future, put towards mortgage etc is fair and wouldn't give you a stake in his home. The underlying issues are his attitude and how it makes you feel. You had thought you were part of a team and his comments have undermined that. You are the more vulnerable partner who has done all the accommodating (moving etc). He sounds quite selfish and immature. By all means take some time to consider your options. This may have highlighted inequalities in your relationship. You may wish to be more self sufficient as he has highlighted just how separate he views you both. I'm sure the career will be amazing and babies will come but don't cling to him for this if he's not the one for you. Best of luck

Goodness, you're being so snippy with OP!

Being 'knee deep in nappies' vs having a career are not two mutually exclusive realities.

Plenty of women have careers and children, it's bizarre to insist a woman has to choose one or the other nowadays.

You've worked alongside your education, and contributed half to his mortgage etc, but yet you "bring nothing to the table" fuck that attitude for a bag of spanners. OP, there's an old saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" He doesn't value you, or the work you are putting towards having a lifelong rewarding career. What's the point in wasting any more of your life on him? Go your separate ways and find people with the same goals and ambitions.

Do you see yourself with him long term or are you starting to grow apart?

I think a lot of the snippy replies don't understand the nature of a PhD. I'm assuming this is essential for your future career and you are well within the normal range for completion.

Perhaps this van will be the best thing that ever happens to you in that it's shining a light on fundamental differences in the way you approach life.

It sounds like he has had things somewhat on a plate and that you don't entirely trust his judgement. It's one thing buying an old van with skills to maintain it. Quite another if you can't change so much as a headlight. Is he in any way handy?

You don't need to make hasty decisions but I would take the time to really consider your compatibility... and if you decide you might need other living arrangements getting a rental will be easier while you are working full time.

Realistically you would probably be better waiting more like four years for starting a family. That's plenty of time to be doing it with someone else

You said: Truth is though, he may have to support me given the circumstances. I think that would be fair considering I would be carrying his child and my training would benefit us both in the future

It's not at all unusual for the full time working partner to shoulder a greater proportion of the costs when you're on mat leave, but most professional people I know save up for mat leave and make sure they are in jobs where they are eligible for enhanced mat pay before they get pregnant. You would be in a good position to do this given your salary prospects and it will save a lot of stress if you do.

Also, don't get hung up on 30. I had my first at 31, second at 35, and was the youngest one in my NCT group. Having a baby at 32/33 vs 29/30 is just not a significant difference, fertility-wise. And it sounds like your partner may not be the person who shares your values and you want to settle down with. It's hard being a single parent, but shittier being effectively a single parent because your partner is disengaged and won't pull their weight.

In those two years you could meet somebody who isn't desperate to live like an 18 year old on a gap year.

I think it's fine for a 27yo to want to travel around in a van and have fun. It's not childish to live that way, especially when you've worked for it and got the security of a house. His decisions are up to him so I've no issue with that. The problem is one of compatibility - and also him being an arse in the way he talks to the OP. They want different things, and he's an arse, and OP seems to be realising that.

I can see how her studying for most of their relationship (financial contributions notwithstanding) and then going straight to having kids (who knows how many or how long they'll need him to be the breadwinner for) isn't going to fit with the adventures and lack of responsibilities to others that the DP clearly wants, regardless of what he's said. I also see that the OP must be feeling her bio clock ticking and not wanting to delay that any longer. However the DP's clock ain't ticking and he could lark around with his van for the next decade and he'd still be settling down younger than a lot of men choose to now.

So on balance, OP, I think you need to look beyond him to fulfil your dreams of DC in a secure, supportive relationship - aka marriage if you've any sense tbh. You got together young and it's okay to have changed or realised that ultimately you want different things and it's better to go out there and get them rather than waiting around when all the signs are there. What isn't okay is for him to say he's up for the DC in two years plan and for you to fall for that when his actions and other words are telling a very different story.

Maybe this van will be the best thing that could have happened. £15k is a small price to pay for realising you're in the wrong relationship and need to go your own ways to find the right match so both of your dreams can come true.

Actually I think your 20s should be spent on setting yourself up, creating your foundations for financial security, saving and making investments and not having children. That's what he is doing, he's only 27. He has his own place, a stable job and you've just been studying for 10 years. You both seem at very different ends here.

But honestly, I wonder what we’d be saying to the OP if she were the partner and her OH the perpetual student who had recently decided that he didn’t actually want to get a job in the career he’d been studying for for a decade because he’d changed his mind about his passion in life and wanted them to have a baby and for him to stay at home and care for it for a couple of years before he started looking for work. I don’t think we’d be telling the OP she was nasty for asking him what he brought to the table, nor telling her that she should be letting him live free in a house she owned, nor saying he was justified in questioning her decision to spend money she earned on a car she wanted.

I think the responses would be quite the opposite.

I never said I didn’t want to get a job in my field? I’m obviously worried about doing it on a timeline. Truth is, any woman can stop working after having a baby if she was that way inclined. You’ve just twisted everything and made out that the comment was fair? Just offensive

I also said I’d want to be back at work as soon as possible. I’m sure there’s other woman though who would want to stay at home and there partner supports them.. not sure I can do right for wrong in this situation. Truth is though I’m blatantly trying to better myself and not sponge of a relationship, even though that’s what people seem to think.

Can't quite believe the academic bashing on this thread. Are you doing a clinical doctorate? If so you'll be in high demand and there will always be a job for you as long as you keep your CPD up to date.

Much better that you qualify and have that potential for a well paid job than you'd been only working all along and never have that earning potential.

Time for a serious chat with the boyfriend about how you both see the next few years panning out and whether you're on the same page. You're young enough to meet someone else if needs be.

Really research what marriage gives you financially especially as you want children. Being not fussed about that could well cause you problems.