I feel shut down over concern of my boyfriends £15k loan

[Riley01]

Hello

My boyfriends recently had to scrap his car and has decided he is going to get a van to go camping in. Throughout the process I have been putting forward questions and things to consider (e.g what about major repairs, change in the market towards electric cars, sharing a car whilst he saves up, parking issues etc). I also took the pictures/info to a friend of mine who is a mechanic to see what he thought. This has been something my boyfriend has wanted to do for a while, so I have been trying to support him but, I personally think this is too big of a risk, and have been trying to highlight these risks. The van is abroad, over 40 years old and 15k. Regardless, he has been to view it by himself and decided he wants it.

In additon to personal risk, another element of the situation has been bothering me. Myself (28) and my boyfriend (27) have been together for 5 years and have been talking about starting a family together. It does not seem like the smartest financial move to possibly become indebted whilst we're starting up. We are not married, which he didn't want and I am indifferent to, but I do want commitment that I am failing to see. I don't even have a share in the house. It worries me that he seems to be thinking as a single man rather than considering me too.

Before he put a deposit down, I told him these concerns and he got very angry, saying i'm treating him like he's stupid for bring up my concerns like he's not considered them. It also feels like it has been twisted into me expecting him to provide for a family when i "bring nothing to the table" and "won't be for the next 5 years", which is the duration of the loan. This has been paticularly hurtful as I have never not worked. I have been doing a full time doctorate alongside working 30 hours a week, and all of my expenses go towards bills/study.. so I don't really have savings. I have 2 years left of my course, so not sure where 5 years has come from. I'm just feeling utterly deflated and unable to speak up without coming across wrong, unless i'm out of touch on this one. Wondering others opinions?

Hi OP,
I think you could give your head a little wobble - in a friendly way.
It is at least 2 years until you plan to start a family. Possibly more if you want to get established in a career.

You have also said you don’t have much cash after bills and study expenses.

Your boyfriend wants to buy a van and have some fun. Great! Go have some cheap fun and explore before you settle down. Even if the van turns in to a money pit and never gets on the road support your partners dreams and ambitions.

There will be plenty of restrictions and responsibilities when you have kids but telling him “think of the children” when you don’t have any and won’t for several years is over the top. If you do find yourself very cash strapped when you have a family perhaps the van can be sold on but hopefully you will be managing well. I’d love a van to holiday with my family. The Haven park we are going to at half term is £1700 for the cheapest caravan for a week at half term so we are going in our own tent (£450) A van would be amazing!

On your other issue you need to be financially protected before you have children. Whether that is getting the legal protection of being married (preferable) or at least buying joint property so half is yours - or perhaps your own rental property if your partner won’t buy with you. If your partner won’t marry you (before kids) why not? I can only assume it would be because he doesn’t want to risk/share his assets so if you split up after a decade you will be up shit creek without a paddle. Especially if you have sacrificed your career for child rearing. Don’t let that happen.

Oh lordy, never pay 50/50 for a house you dont have 50/50 shares in.

This is not a good relationship for you. He couldn't care less about you and will resent you when you earn more

I acknowledged it was 2 years before I planned on starting a family. I have taken a year out of uni to save.

Support his dreams and ambitions is exactly what I have been trying to do, which has made this so tricky to navigate. In response to the other poster, I have been watching van videos with him for the past 5 years! Our discusssions have been just that- discussions- where he would raise concerns to me to and we would talk about them.. it's not me badgering on at him on all the reasons not to get it. It's changed since he went to see the van and liked it. On that note, I moved to his location and got a job over here and I have no further commitment from him. What about supporting my dreams? I have been studying for 10 years for a career that will ultimately benefit us both!

I think your last paragraph gets to the crux of the issue. Doesn't want to share his assests? If he walked, he'd keep the house and all the money I'd put into the mortage. This was always going to be a temp arrangement for me but like othe posters have said, it seems clear that we're not on the same page.

It sounds as though he wants to go off travelling, and isn't really ready to commit to the relationship. You want different things at this stage in your lives, so the relationship is unlikely to survive

It isn't really a very good relationship for either of you from a financial point of view. You are still a student with two years to go though you are now 28. He is bring told he can't buy this van. Though I agree it doesnt seem a very sensible purchase to say the least. And then talking about a family in two years is just pie in the sky.

I always had reservations about this but the counter argument was that he considered it rent. Didn't buy together because he/ his parents managed to get a deposit together quicker than me and he wanted to move out of his parents quickly. We have reviewed this yearly until this year we agreed I would just pay for half of the living costs, to see if this repaired the resentment caused in the relationship because of the situation. However, he now says not only do I bring no money to the table but he's also keeping a roof over my head.

If you are going to stay with a guy who wants to spend his money on a van or any expensive hobby for that matter, you need to arrange your finances accordingly.

My exh was into cars and motorbikes and would spend thousands on them. When we moved in together, we both contributed to the bills then any other money was our own so we could both spend on what we wanted. Neither of us ever commented on what the other spent and that suited us, even when we divorced ☺️

I haven't said he can't buy the van. He can ultimately do what he wants. I just don't think it's a good idea and have told him this, out of care and since he's told me to back off I completely have. It is his money and problem at the end of the day!

£15k for a 40 year old foreign van he has never seen - that’s not going to end well.

I’m on various camper van/motorhome groups and subscribe to various content providers and the stories of people paying deposits on vans that don’t exist, buying death trap vans with forged MOTs are very frequent.

Op

I think you can get the money you put it to the house back.
It's under a slightly different concept of law- equity (vs common law). I think it's a constructive trust. I'd consult a solicitor.

Since people think my plan of having a child at 30, after completing my training, is living in a dream world.. what advice would you have for me? Sack my degree off or have a child when i'm older? When you have no idea of my health status. Do I not have a right to have both?

His ‘bringing nothing to the table’ comment and behaviour over his property suggests he doesn’t value or respect you.

You were unwise not to get a cohabitation agreement. ’If he walked, he'd keep the house and all the money I'd put into the mortgage’.

if he still refuses, moving out would be sensible!

I think the issue is you seem to be hanging around in education until the age of 30, only to not use it anyway but instead start a family. Maybe you should have done a few years of work (full time work) first, then at least you have the building blocks of a career in place should you decide to follow it up.

Workwise and moneywise it’s almost always better to get established in a job before DC. The ‘motherhood penalty’ is real.

What is your plan/timescale re studying, having a baby and working? What does your partner think of that? Presumably he wants to travel too?

What about maternity leave?

Yes the comments have been very hurtful.

Thank you for the advice. As I stated, I have since taken a year out of uni to save enough to cover all expenses for the final years of studying, which has put me in a much better position financially. Going forward, I would be able to save on the side whereas I couldn't last year. I suggested to him that I put these savings in a seperate bank account to go towards a joint house deposit or it would be mine if we seperated. If thats not good enough, I think i have my answer like you say.

You are going to have to get used to the fact that you can't get everything you want in life exactly when you decide you want it. Your boyfriend is only 27, why shouldn't he spend his own money to buy whatever he pleases. If you don't like if you are free to walk away. You are on very different pages and I think you'd be better off going and finding someone who is looking for a wife and babies because your boyfriend is about to launch himself into travelling around in his Campervan - babies clearly couldn't be further from his mind.

Hanging around in education? I did my bachelors, masters, a year of work experience and I am now a year into a doctorate with 2 to go. I have worked throughout, including full time work in the short gaps! I worked full-time last year, alongside my degree, because I work in a hospital and it was priority. This has led to burn out and the gap year. Hope this clears things up!

I agree. We have had this discussion though about starting a family at 30. This wasn't just my idea.

Please do not pay a penny more of his mortgage, he is banking future income you won't have any right to since your name isn't on the deed and you're not married. And the gall of him to say you bring nothing to the table! He sounds petulant and immature and not willing to commit. Congrats on your studies and your hard work and investment in your future. He's an idiot for not seeing the value in what you're doing or supporting you.

Listen to what he's saying, he thinks you bring nothing to the table and that he's keeping a roof over your head, despite you paying half his mortgage as 'rent'. He doesn't want to get married and he's getting the arse when you question him spending £15k on a van. Do not have children with this man, you will end up doing it alone even if you stay together and you will always have the worry of him being able to boot you and your baby out because your name is on nothing.

I think you need to be more realistic. You’ve been studying for ten years. You presumably have little real work experience in the field you eventually want to work in. Despite having lots of qualifications, it’s very very unlikely you’ll walk straight into the high-paying job you think you can get, because without relevant experience of actually working, you’ll start at the bottom of the ladder. If you then immediately want to start a family, which will - as hard as feminism has been working for decades to try to combat it - impact on your ability to develop yourself professionally.

I acknowledge that it must have been hurtful to hear him say that you bring nothing to the table, but you’re asking him to think about saving money for the future and not buy the vehicle he wants, whilst essentially not compromising on what your priorities are.

Thanks for the advice. I did accept the situation could only be temporary so i'll cut my losses.

Your boyfriend sounds like he is verbally cruel, has taken advantage of you financially and doesn't want the same things.

On having a baby in two years - agree with PP, without a foothold in work before having children it will be so hard to get yourself in a good financial position given that it looks as though your contributions to the mortgage won't be returned to you. Really, you need to establish yourself in your career for a minimum of a year or two before taking mat leave.