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Relationships

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Original poster

Wits end with partner deferring kids but telling me he wants them??

113 replies

Witsend12s · 16/05/2022 11:36

I’m mid 30s and completely fed up with DP saying he wants kids with me but not actually doing it.

He frequently says he’s be ‘over the moon’ if I ‘fell’ pregnant. I’ve told him I’m on the pill and reminded him he doesn’t want me to come off it? To which he says well we will eventually.

Then the following week, we’ll walk past a family and he will comment how sweet the baby is and that he can’t wait for all of that and is excited that he will have something he considers to be ‘the best experience ever.’

I’ve asked him directly why he does this and yet we are not actually TTC and he just says we will soon. I’ve asked WHEN SPECIFICALLY and he will agree to a timeframe when I say ‘by July’ then it gets to then and he says not yet. And then the comments continue about how great it would be if it happened.

it’s got to the point now where I am so unhappy and sad. I’m not getting younger and he will be celebrating his 40th next year!!!! My best friend says to come off the pill and don’t tell him as he’s given every indication that he wants it. I don’t feel ok with that though, it’s not how I imagined things and I it makes me so so sad. I don’t want to get back out there dating, I just wanted a family.

OP posts:

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 16/05/2022 11:39

Imo you are being had....

KangarooKenny · 16/05/2022 11:41

You are being strung along.

FetchezLaVache · 16/05/2022 11:41

He needs to shit or get off the pot. Either you lose the pill, or you lose the boyfriend, is how I see it.

PeachesToday · 16/05/2022 11:42

Sorry OP, I think he’s future faking. If he wanted a baby you would be trying.

WhenDovesFly · 16/05/2022 11:43

How about you give him a timeframe. Tell him you want to come off the pill by July (or whenever) or you'll have to reconsider the relationship as you want a family and don't want to waste any more time if he's not committing.

FourExcellentQuestions · 16/05/2022 11:43

"I'm going to stop taking the pill. If you don't want to try for a baby you will have to be responsible for contraception"

A bit passive aggressive but one approach

The other is to be be upfront and say that you think he is stringing you along, you have a limited fertile window and he is wasting it. If he won't start trying now then it's over.

Twizbe · 16/05/2022 11:43

Don't come off the pill without telling him. That's terrible.

You need to talk though. Personally I'd get married before children, but you need to lay the cards on the table.

I agree he's future faking and keeping you on a string. How long have you been together?

Opentooffers · 16/05/2022 11:44

So if you ask him a time frame - like July- and he agrees, when you get to July, don't ask and discuss, just come off the pill. Then if it happens, he can't say you didn't discuss it and he didn't agree.
But also, if doesn't want them by 40, he probably doesn't want them at all and is spinning it out till its too late.

Original poster

Witsend12s · 16/05/2022 11:44

He promises me he wants these things and speaks so passionately about it. I just don’t get it.

so many people have said I need to just nudge it along but I don’t want to have to do that. It’s so shit.

OP posts:

Beamur · 16/05/2022 11:45

Don't keep asking. Tell him that you are coming off the pill. He can step up with regards to contraception.
I suspect that either he's stringing you along or keeps getting cold feet.
I think you need to take charge of your own narrative here.

MarilynValentine · 16/05/2022 11:47

Yes come off the pill and tell him. He will either get very busy buying condoms or he won’t and he will go with it.

Viviennemary · 16/05/2022 11:50

Come off the pill. Tell him that is what you've done.

PeekAtYou · 16/05/2022 11:51

He says he wants them because he knows that's why you're still with him.

He's a man so has decades of fertility left. He could be a parent in 10, even 20 years time.

I think you should either say that contraception is now his responsibility and see what he does or find a person who isn't going to string you along.

I don't want to upset you but this is a common problem and the man ends up marrying or having a baby really quickly with the next girlfriend because the painful truth is that he wasn't ready with that woman rather than not being ready per se.

Overthewine · 16/05/2022 11:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Fandabulous · 16/05/2022 11:57

You're going to have to do something, you don't say how old you are but your fertility is declining the older you get. If you let him carry on doing this you'll end up with no children.

RitaFaircloughsWig · 16/05/2022 11:59

Don't let him string you along with a pretend life.

GodspeedJune · 16/05/2022 11:59

I wouldn’t waste another moment with him and get out now.

Sunnytwobridges · 16/05/2022 11:59

Oh my god, don’t come off the pill and get pregnant by a man that might not be around to help you reside your kid. I can’t believe people are actually suggesting that. Get rid of him and find someone that really wants to raise a family with you. You still have time.

DeeCeeCherry · 16/05/2022 12:00

He wont commit to having a child with you, he isnt your husband. Exactly why are you giving this man so much power over your life?

He does not want children - & even if he does, it may sound harsh but he doesnt want them with you. No matter what he says. & He doesnt have a biological clock, remember.

Some people are very good at blindsiding you with great positive sounding talk, as a way of not really giving a definitive answer to the very important question you are asking them. He is stalling you and you're falling for it at the expense of your own happiness.

Never love a man more than you love yourself. You should already be trying, not having to ask for a 'timeframe'(!) ffs, or considering coming off the pill thereby making him the father to your child when he so obviously doesn't want to be that.

The man is almost 40, he's already made his future-faking choice. Get rid, go out there make a whole new life and opportunities for yourself, is my advice. Or you can stay and remain embroiled in 'lets see how I can trap the future faker' pointless games.

You deserve more than misery in life but hey, maybe you think this time-waster is worth it. He isn't.

romdowa · 16/05/2022 12:00

You're wasting your time and fertility with this man. He's future faking all the way

Beamur · 16/05/2022 12:01

I think people aren't suggesting that the OP gets pregnant by stealth.

PetersRabbitt · 16/05/2022 12:01

It could take 10 minutes to conceive…it could also take 6-12 months!! You don’t know how it will go for you both.

id start now or tel him to leave, his stringing you along.

Loopytiles · 16/05/2022 12:03

What’s your plan re marriage and paid work after maternity leave?

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 16/05/2022 12:04

Come off the pill but DO tell him. Tell him you would love to have a baby but you don’t want to monitor anything (so no ovulation sticks and trying to time sex) and ´if it happens, it happens’.

Obviously this is TTC but let him call it whatever he wants ´we weren’t trying it just happened’ if it makes him feel more comfortable.

CabbageBabbage · 16/05/2022 12:04

Tell him it's now or never. He either commits or you both move on.

I wouldn't do anything by stealth or just come off the pill.

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