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Original poster

Wits end with partner deferring kids but telling me he wants them??

113 replies

Witsend12s · 16/05/2022 11:36

I’m mid 30s and completely fed up with DP saying he wants kids with me but not actually doing it.

He frequently says he’s be ‘over the moon’ if I ‘fell’ pregnant. I’ve told him I’m on the pill and reminded him he doesn’t want me to come off it? To which he says well we will eventually.

Then the following week, we’ll walk past a family and he will comment how sweet the baby is and that he can’t wait for all of that and is excited that he will have something he considers to be ‘the best experience ever.’

I’ve asked him directly why he does this and yet we are not actually TTC and he just says we will soon. I’ve asked WHEN SPECIFICALLY and he will agree to a timeframe when I say ‘by July’ then it gets to then and he says not yet. And then the comments continue about how great it would be if it happened.

it’s got to the point now where I am so unhappy and sad. I’m not getting younger and he will be celebrating his 40th next year!!!! My best friend says to come off the pill and don’t tell him as he’s given every indication that he wants it. I don’t feel ok with that though, it’s not how I imagined things and I it makes me so so sad. I don’t want to get back out there dating, I just wanted a family.

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 16/05/2022 20:36

Why haven't you mentioned marriage first? How long have you been together?

User6761 · 16/05/2022 20:44

You say he keeps deferring. To move forward you need to know why. It's either:

  1. He doesn't want children ever
  2. He wants children but not with you
  3. He wants children with you but not yet.

If it's 1 you need to decide if the relationship with him is worth more to you than the chance of trying for a child with someone else.

If it's 2 you need to end things as the relationship is doomed.

If it's 3 you need to understand why. There could be legitimate reasons. Maybe you haven't been together very long? Maybe your jobs/financial situation isn't stable? Maybe he's worried how you'd afford childcare? Maybe he's worried he won't be a good father? (I know a few people who delayed parenthood because of their own traumatic childhoods) Maybe he wants to travel more/persue other interests before having a child? Once you know why, you can make a decision based on that. If he won't even discuss why then that for me is a big red flag.

aloris · 16/05/2022 20:50

He is telling you what you want to hear because your response makes him feel good. He feels good in response to your response. So he is getting the warm, fuzzy feelings of "we're going to have a baby (someday)" without the less positive reality of "I actually have a responsibility to a pregnant partner and child today." That is why he is doing it (I think).

altmember · 16/05/2022 20:52

How long have you been together?

Don't come of the pill without telling him. Come off it and tell him - agree a date in advance, but this time you stick to it regardless of what he says. He'll either come round to it at that point or the relationship will tail off.

showmethegin · 16/05/2022 21:11

I don't understand why people are telling you to come off the pill? While it isn't deception as you're being upfront is that how you want to bring a child into the world? Hoping he just doesn't bother to use a condom? You'll end up pregnant by a bloke who doesn't want a child. It's such terrible advice.

By all means set a deadline for yourself but don't bring a child into the world with a bloke who is apathetic at best and resentful and uninterested at worst. There is nothing stopping you going it alone with a donor.

Gudbrand · 16/05/2022 22:16

He promises me he wants these things and speaks so passionately about it. I just don’t get it

It's future faking bullshit.
He doesn't really want kids, but knows that if he openly says that then you will re-consider your future with him and that will most likely mean you end up leaving as you really do want children.

He makes noises to keep you sweet.

You should tell him that you want to have children and that it is important for you to start TTC within the next x months because fertility declines and you have a limited window in which to conceive before you are too old. So he now needs to make a decision about whether he is ready to start a family within that time frame.
Tell him that if you have not started TTC within that time you will end the relationship because you want children and want to have them with a man who wants to have them too.

No messing around.

Herejustforthisone · 16/05/2022 23:02

How old are you, OP?

RitaFaircloughsWig · 16/05/2022 23:50

Herejustforthisone · 16/05/2022 23:02

How old are you, OP?

First 3 words of the OP?

FetchezLaVache · 17/05/2022 09:18

showmethegin · 16/05/2022 21:11

I don't understand why people are telling you to come off the pill? While it isn't deception as you're being upfront is that how you want to bring a child into the world? Hoping he just doesn't bother to use a condom? You'll end up pregnant by a bloke who doesn't want a child. It's such terrible advice.

By all means set a deadline for yourself but don't bring a child into the world with a bloke who is apathetic at best and resentful and uninterested at worst. There is nothing stopping you going it alone with a donor.

The way I see it, it's to flush out his true intentions. If he rushes out and buys 80 packs of Durex, OP has her answer.

RebeccaCloud9 · 17/05/2022 09:58

@FetchezLaVache really not in every case. My husband is such an overthinker he wouldn't have made the final decision. But as soon as we were having a baby, it was the best thing for both of us and he has been 100% 'in' ever since.

RebeccaCloud9 · 17/05/2022 10:33

Oh sorry, @showmethegin not @FetchezLaVache 😳

prettytoes · 17/05/2022 11:29

Believeinyou · 16/05/2022 19:59

Don't leave your future up to someone else. Have a frank talk and then make your decision

This. Might be a tough conversation but you can't go on like this so time to get everything out on the open and make important decisions for yourself and your future

bluebell34567 · 17/05/2022 11:35

prettytoes · 17/05/2022 11:29

This. Might be a tough conversation but you can't go on like this so time to get everything out on the open and make important decisions for yourself and your future

Show quote history

agree.

boronia · 17/05/2022 11:49

You're going to have to be brutal and I know it's hard and awful but you have to do it.
Don't stop contraception right this minute but say to him you want to start trying for a baby now, in the next few weeks, and you won't wait any longer. You won't wait until July, Christmas, whatever.
If he's still postponing tell him you'll have to leave because you want to take this next step and he seems unwilling.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 17/05/2022 16:10

You should not be on the pill if you want a baby. He can use a condom if he doesn't.

LampLighter414 · 17/05/2022 16:12

Say you no longer believe in sex unless it's TTC and get off the pill

wonderwoman26 · 17/05/2022 16:37

I completely understand your heartache as ive been there.

My story - I told my DP i was comign off the pill because i was sick of feeling hormonal and felt it was increasing my anxiety (this is true, and actually felt so much better off)

I stipulated i wanted to begin trying, and if he wasnt comfortable then he can take matters into his own hands and wear condoms. Low and behold 6 months later im pregnant and we are over the moon haha!

Turns out when you put contraceptive in their hands, attitudes change slightly!

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2022 20:38

User6761 · 16/05/2022 12:32

Absolutely. Under no circumstances stop using contraception without his knowledge, that will not end well.

Show quote history

The point is, to tell him so that he has a choice. He uses condoms or he agrees to a baby.

This will tell the OP what she needs to know

EarthSight · 17/05/2022 23:17

Witsend12s · 16/05/2022 11:44

He promises me he wants these things and speaks so passionately about it. I just don’t get it.

so many people have said I need to just nudge it along but I don’t want to have to do that. It’s so shit.

You are having to learn an important lesson which is - there is only so much trust you can put in what someone says. If it's contradictory to what they do, then there's a reason for that.

It's confusing because you've built trust with him, but it's likely that with other people you'd be more objective. What would you advise a friend to think or do if she was in the same situation?

I'd say he's playing some very strange game with you here, is terribly confused about what he wants, or simply doesn't want to have children with you. At his age, you would not be in this position if he really wanted to have children.

Dontknownow86 · 17/05/2022 23:27

My ex did this for 5 years. It was all lies and the was always done reason it couldn't be right now. When I told him i was getting into dodgy territory with it and it needed to be now he totally withdrew and then ended our relationship stating that he had only really kept the relationship going so as not to upset his existing children. I'll be 36 in a couple of weeks and feel totally hopeless about it all.

He knew full well he didn't want me with me but let me waste my last good fertile years waiting for him. They are unbelievably selfish and I would tell him to make his mind up now.

cool4cats2020 · 18/05/2022 01:42

It may not be some sinister plot or him deliberately stringing you along - many men just have no appreciation of a woman's realistic fertile age range. Because it's not affecting them directly, they just don't get it. So for them putting off having a child is an easy and somewhat natural thing to do - very few people (men and women) ever feel truly ready to start a family. There's always a thought of 'I just need that next promotion, or we need a bigger house, or lets have a bit longer just us as couple, or have the big traditional wedding that we're saving for'. Even a lot of women put off starting a family until it's almost too late these days.

Quite often blokes just need a bit of a push to get from the idea to the reality of parenthood. Most will embrace it, which is especially likely if the OP's comments are genuine. The few that really aren't on board with it will run for the hills when they realise their OH is serious.

So the point of the OP openly planning to come off the pill and start TTC in the near future, is not simply to force her OH to take charge of contraception (i.e. buy condoms) - which will likely not happen anyway. What's more likely is their sex life will shrivel, because partly because condoms are a chore compared to hormonal contraception, partly because they're there all the while as a reminder that it's just a few microns of latex are all that's between you and pregnancy, and also because they're perceived to be less reliable.

No, the point of coming off the pill is the nudge or wake up call to her OH that things just got serious, having babies is no longer some idealistic future dream. Either embrace it and go along with this journey now, or stop the car and get out. It will very quickly become apparent if he's on board with the idea or if he just doesn't want kids.

Weatherwax13 · 18/05/2022 01:47

He's stringing you along love

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/05/2022 02:21

I’m absolutely gobsmacked at the people telling the op to do this. It’s horrible what her oh is doing to her, but he’s stringing her along as he blatantly doesn’t want kids. If the op forces a pregnancy on him

No. What people are suggesting is coming off the pill and TELLING HIM she's doing it. Not forcing it, just not facilitating his nonsense. He will either go for it. Or he will buy some condoms.

FlowerArranger · 18/05/2022 03:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/05/2022 02:21

I’m absolutely gobsmacked at the people telling the op to do this. It’s horrible what her oh is doing to her, but he’s stringing her along as he blatantly doesn’t want kids. If the op forces a pregnancy on him

No. What people are suggesting is coming off the pill and TELLING HIM she's doing it. Not forcing it, just not facilitating his nonsense. He will either go for it. Or he will buy some condoms.

Or he'll just continue to dither and make all the right noises..... until OP gets pregnant - at which point he's quite likely to do a runner.

Personally I wouldn't bet my future of this guy actually stepping up to the plate and honour his empty promises of family and kids etc.

And it'll be @Witsend12s who'll be left holding the baby. Which is fine, I guess, if she goes into it with her eyes open and is prepared to go it alone.

Shedcity · 18/05/2022 03:41

This is called future faking.

if you want a baby and with him tell him you’re coming off the pill
if he doesn’t want a baby get he can be the one for preventing it from happening

obviously the risk is that you end up raising the baby alone. So you need to decide if you’re willing to risk that
if not, leave