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Original poster

Wits end with partner deferring kids but telling me he wants them??

113 replies

Witsend12s · 16/05/2022 11:36

I’m mid 30s and completely fed up with DP saying he wants kids with me but not actually doing it.

He frequently says he’s be ‘over the moon’ if I ‘fell’ pregnant. I’ve told him I’m on the pill and reminded him he doesn’t want me to come off it? To which he says well we will eventually.

Then the following week, we’ll walk past a family and he will comment how sweet the baby is and that he can’t wait for all of that and is excited that he will have something he considers to be ‘the best experience ever.’

I’ve asked him directly why he does this and yet we are not actually TTC and he just says we will soon. I’ve asked WHEN SPECIFICALLY and he will agree to a timeframe when I say ‘by July’ then it gets to then and he says not yet. And then the comments continue about how great it would be if it happened.

it’s got to the point now where I am so unhappy and sad. I’m not getting younger and he will be celebrating his 40th next year!!!! My best friend says to come off the pill and don’t tell him as he’s given every indication that he wants it. I don’t feel ok with that though, it’s not how I imagined things and I it makes me so so sad. I don’t want to get back out there dating, I just wanted a family.

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 16/05/2022 13:05

Why are you waiting for him to determine the time? What is stopping you saying “you constantly mention wanting a child, so let’s set the time. I intend to stop the pill in (June). If that’s not ok with you, we need to talk about why not and see if there’s a future here for us.”

Aria2015 · 16/05/2022 13:05

Give him the timeline. Tell him you'd like to be pregnant by the end of the year and so you're stopping your pill in July. If he's messing you about, that will force his hand to come clean about it and at least you'll know where you stand.

pitterypattery00 · 16/05/2022 13:19

@Overthewine my partner did want a child with me, he just thought we could do it 'in a few years'. His thinking was that because we are both healthy, conceiving in our 40s was a totally reasonable thing to plan for! After presenting him with some statistics he agreed we shouldn't wait any longer as he did want a child. But if I hadn't actively had those discussions with him the years would have drifted by.

I agree with PPs that the OP needs to set out a timeline.

Libertaire · 16/05/2022 13:19

It’s time to force the issue, OP. Tell him you are ready to have a baby now and that you will be coming off the pill on 1st June, or whenever, and that from that point on he will be solely responsible for contraception. Then stick to it and don’t let him talk you out of it. This puts the ball firmly in his court, and his actions will tell you what he wants.
He is perfectly entitled to not want to be a father, now or at any time in the future, but he is not entitled to string you along indefinitely until nature does her thing and takes the decision for you.

Fruitandnuts · 16/05/2022 13:19

Have a conversation about when you're coming off the pill and see how he reacts. I came off the pill last July and nothing has happened as yet! I just turned 39, my approach is if it happens it happens. I feel fine about this because if it doesnt i will know i took control and tried. Had a fertility assessment scan and everything 'looks' fine so im just continuing to TTC. You dont know how long it will take and you need to give the pill time to leave your body etc. he can take control of contraception. If his reaction isnt great i think its time to move on. I was wary of what my partner would say would he completely understood the timeline and we are actively trying. If he'd have said no i'd have revaluated my decision on him and having a child. You need to make decisions, dont leave it any later and have regrets. I know right now no matter what i wont regret things

DeskInUse · 16/05/2022 13:40

Force the issue, tell him you're coming off the pill at the start of June. It will be very telling about how he reacts to it. You need to decide if you want dc or the relationship, so if he says he's not happy or starts using condoms you'll have made up your mind to leave him or not

Greydogs123 · 16/05/2022 13:46

Don’t come off the pill secretly, but tell him that once you’ve finished your prescription you’ll not be on the pill anymore and contraception is his responsibility or he’s happy for a pregnancy to occur.

Neverreturntoathread · 16/05/2022 13:48

FourExcellentQuestions · 16/05/2022 11:43

"I'm going to stop taking the pill. If you don't want to try for a baby you will have to be responsible for contraception"

A bit passive aggressive but one approach

The other is to be be upfront and say that you think he is stringing you along, you have a limited fertile window and he is wasting it. If he won't start trying now then it's over.

This.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/05/2022 13:59

You are being strung along. Time for you and he to now part ways.

He wants children but not with you.

KatherineJaneway · 16/05/2022 14:25

He promises me he wants these things and speaks so passionately about it. I just don’t get it.

He's telling you what you want to hear so you stick around.

cookiemonster2468 · 16/05/2022 14:32

Whatever you do, do not come off the pill without his knowledge. He could well just leave you alone with a child that you then have to raise and provide for alone.

You need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him you are going to come off the pill in July. He can either choose to stay with you and have a child, or he can leave so that you can have one with someone else - his decision but you don't want to wait any longer.

It's not fair of him to keep you waiting around at your age when you could be finding someone who will give you what you need. I would be questioning if he really cares about you and what you want if he can't see the unfairness of what he is doing.

wordler · 16/05/2022 14:43

I don't think you should trick him into it but I do think you should set your own deadline - communicate it clearly to him and stick to it.

"I want to start trying for a baby by the latest xxxx date. I'm going to stop taking the pill on xxxx date to give my body time to adjust so that I can track my cycle/temp accurately.

If you're not ready by then, I understand, and if you know honestly in your heart right now that you are not going to be ready just tell me now. We just might not be in the same place on this, it's nobody's fault if that's the case, it is what it is. But I have a biological deadline and if we are not having kids together I need to plan what to do next."

You can't set this type of deadline though if you really don't mean it. If having kids is THE most important thing you may have to leave him.

lightfalling · 16/05/2022 16:51

He's not a nice guy, is he? He's playing with your life and heart and emotions.

He doesn't care that time is running out for you.

If you want a baby you need to decide to have one. Tell him you start TTC now or its over. Give him no more than seven days to think about it. And mean it.

If he's not willing then, you need to prioritise what you want and leave to get it.

friendlycat · 16/05/2022 18:42

Sadly I agree with lots of others. It's time to lay your cards on the table and have a full and frank discussion about the future.

That future should surely include marriage as well? The fact that he has not yet committed to marrying you, let alone TTC does speak volumes. At 40 he's not a young twenty something not knowing his mind and direction.

However hurtful it's better to get to the bottom of this and state your own case and see his response. A man who wants to get married and have children does exactly that, especially at 40. A man who does not want to get married to a person and does not want to have children with that person tends to string them along.

You haven't said how long you have been together either which would also be quite telling.

frozendaisy · 16/05/2022 18:53

Just say you are no longer taking the pill. It's your body.

If he then goes all "oh but what if you got pregnant" explain it's "us" getting pregnant and if he wants to ensure "you" don't it's his turn to be responsible for both of your contraception, tell him you've had enough.

At least then he knows you could get pregnant.
Actions speak louder than words

Duchess379 · 16/05/2022 19:09

I'd leave him. See how he reacts. If he really wants kids, he'll come back wanting to reconcile & ttc. If he doesn't, youknow he's wasting your time.
Whatever you do, do not come off the pill & fall pregnant. If he doesn't want kids, you'll be left a single mum doing all the work.

SaltandPepper22 · 16/05/2022 19:30

One word: ultimatum

SaltandPepper22 · 16/05/2022 19:30

And be prepared to follow through on it!

ShaneTwane · 16/05/2022 19:43

I'm so sorry op. I fear we may be in the same situation. In my head I'm giving it a year and if not it may be game over. You have to decide what you want now. It's your life not just his.

NamechangeFML · 16/05/2022 19:54

I told DH that i was coming off the pill so decide now , as hed had 3 years to mull it over ( i hadnt been sure ,myself so not 100%him)
i also told him why shouldnt i have the things i want in life because he couldn't decide?
i was 37 when i fell pregnant

PenguindreamsofDraco · 16/05/2022 19:55

There is not a man out there who is worth not having children for, if what you want are children.

Please stop being a passive bystander to your own life.

Tibtab · 16/05/2022 19:59

If you tell him you’re stopping your pill and he starts wanting to use condoms, you have your answer about whether or not he wants kids.

Believeinyou · 16/05/2022 19:59

Don't leave your future up to someone else. Have a frank talk and then make your decision

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/05/2022 20:10

Have you said to him '5 times now you've said you will be ready for a baby in a few months and when a few months came along, you bottled it. I'm losing trust in you. You need to be honest with me now on how you see our future and when. And if you change your mind again that will be your last chance as I'm done with being messed about'

gamerchick · 16/05/2022 20:18

It to me sounds like he doesn't want to do the sex to get the baby. But if it happens then he'll ba happy. I'd be telling him that you're stopping the pill now, the rest is up to him. Then set a time frame of how long you're willing to wait. Time isn't on your side. You both need to shit or get off the pot.

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