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Original poster

Wits end with partner deferring kids but telling me he wants them??

113 replies

Witsend12s · 16/05/2022 11:36

I’m mid 30s and completely fed up with DP saying he wants kids with me but not actually doing it.

He frequently says he’s be ‘over the moon’ if I ‘fell’ pregnant. I’ve told him I’m on the pill and reminded him he doesn’t want me to come off it? To which he says well we will eventually.

Then the following week, we’ll walk past a family and he will comment how sweet the baby is and that he can’t wait for all of that and is excited that he will have something he considers to be ‘the best experience ever.’

I’ve asked him directly why he does this and yet we are not actually TTC and he just says we will soon. I’ve asked WHEN SPECIFICALLY and he will agree to a timeframe when I say ‘by July’ then it gets to then and he says not yet. And then the comments continue about how great it would be if it happened.

it’s got to the point now where I am so unhappy and sad. I’m not getting younger and he will be celebrating his 40th next year!!!! My best friend says to come off the pill and don’t tell him as he’s given every indication that he wants it. I don’t feel ok with that though, it’s not how I imagined things and I it makes me so so sad. I don’t want to get back out there dating, I just wanted a family.

OP posts:

litterbird · 16/05/2022 12:05

Mmmmm, as others have said, he wants babies but sadly not with you. Have you discussed marriage too or does he say, "when the time is ready"? Remember to protect yourself financially if you do go through with the pregnancy. Too many past posts about women having babies with their partners and dont marry or leave their careers to raise them then they disappear leaving you in the financial lurch.

StopStartStop · 16/05/2022 12:05

He's messing you about. Tell him you're getting married next week, after which you start trying enthusiastically to conceive, or that's it.

Be ready to move on. You won't get a baby with this one.

lightunderthesea · 16/05/2022 12:10

Tell him you are coming off the pill.( whether you do or not is up to you)Don't say anything else. Don't chat too much about it, this will give him the chance to convince you to wait. His actions will now tell you what he really wants. He will either take precautions or he won't. Within a short time you'll have a clearer idea about what you both want and then you can decide what is best to do.

stepuporshutup · 16/05/2022 12:10

Op it sounds like he thinks a family would be quite nice but the reality of a family scares him. I really don't think it is a good idea to come of the pill without telling him, I know a lady that this and as soon as her husband found it he left her. If he really will not commit it is better to end the relationship you deserve to be happy with a family and he is not on the same page

RoyKentsChestHair · 16/05/2022 12:13

He probably does want children, but sadly not with you.

I predict you will leave him in order to find someone else and within 6 months he’ll have met someone else and she’ll be pregnant. I’ve heard about it happening on here so many times.

If he’s not ready now he never will be, so cut your losses and start again, maybe think about sperm donation or egg freezing depending which end of mid 30s you’re at. I’m sorry, it’s crap, but such a common story.

showmethegin · 16/05/2022 12:19

Don't even consider having children with a man who quite clearly doesn't one one with you. If he did you would be TTC already. Leave and either try and find someone else to start a family with who shares the same goal or go it alone.

Nothing good will come from tricking a man into being a father.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/05/2022 12:20

He has no one else on the horizon so he’s saying the things that will keep you hanging around. If he wasn’t making these comments would you still be with him???

it’s all words. Sorry OP but I’d be out the door. He doesn’t want kids

pitterypattery00 · 16/05/2022 12:21

OP, my partner was similar in some ways - he wanted kids but was being totally unrealistic in thinking we had lots of time (we were both late 30s). I discussed it with him when I was 38 and he said he wasn't ready. I left it a year and asked again and he said he needed to think about it!! I was really frustrated (understatement) as I thought I'd given him a year to do that! Anyway, my pills ran out and I told him I wasn't going to get another prescription as that would be madness given I was almost 39 and we wanted children (explained to him that it could take a few months for my cycle to return to normal etc). He agreed with that and we used condoms for several months. During that time I started taking folic acid, vit D, etc and got him to take a multi vitamin - basically reinforcing to him that we were beginning to work towards a pregnancy. Then finally he was ready to try. I think he thought we would conceive immediately. We didn't but got there in the end and we now have a 2 year old.

Hard to give advice as everyone is different but I think it's important to try to understand where the reluctance to try to conceive comes from (with my partner a lot related to events from his childhood and wanting to be in a better work situation - he wasn't 'stringing me along', he was just taking the possible creation of a new life very seriously). I'm glad we waited til he was ready - he's an amazing father. But I was almost 41 when I had my child - it would have been a massive gamble to leave it any later.

RenegadeMrs · 16/05/2022 12:22

Come off the pill and tell him you've done it before having any sex. Then you'll see which way this is going to go.

dreamingbohemian · 16/05/2022 12:23

How long have you been together?

JorisBonson · 16/05/2022 12:28

Sunnytwobridges · 16/05/2022 11:59

Oh my god, don’t come off the pill and get pregnant by a man that might not be around to help you reside your kid. I can’t believe people are actually suggesting that. Get rid of him and find someone that really wants to raise a family with you. You still have time.

This. There's some real bad advice on here.

User6761 · 16/05/2022 12:32

JorisBonson · 16/05/2022 12:28

This. There's some real bad advice on here.

Show quote history

Absolutely. Under no circumstances stop using contraception without his knowledge, that will not end well.

Overthewine · 16/05/2022 12:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Twizbe · 16/05/2022 12:41

As you've not answered the 'how long you've been together' question, I'm guessing either it's been 10 mins or 10 years.

If it's 10 years then I think you know that he doesn't want a future with you. He'd have done it by now if he did.

Ihatethenewlook · 16/05/2022 12:45

Sunnytwobridges · 16/05/2022 11:59

This. I’m absolutely gobsmacked at the people telling the op to do this. It’s horrible what her oh is doing to her, but he’s stringing her along as he blatantly doesn’t want kids. If the op forces a pregnancy on him then there’s a very real chance of a failed relationship with either a deadbeat dad, or a dad who’s going to be taking that kid 50% of the time which I’m sure the op doesn’t want.
Op you need to give him an ultimatum, and then leave if he doesn’t come through with his promises.

ChairCareOh · 16/05/2022 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 16/05/2022 12:48

XDH did this to me. I told him now or never, we went for it. It wasn't the right decision. It was a sliding doors moment for me and I should have walked away.

ElCoh · 16/05/2022 12:49

FHS. Get some frigging boundaries!

BIWI · 16/05/2022 12:49

Why are you letting him have all the power in this?

Make it very clear that you want children sooner rather than later, because of your age, and that you are no longer going to take any form of contraception.

His response to that should tell you everything you need to know.

RebeccaCloud9 · 16/05/2022 12:50

Obviously not knowing your DP, it could either be that he isn't fussed about having children with you (in case, there is a bigger problem here), or that he just can't actually take the plunge and make the decision. We were in similar shoes to you and I can imagine we'd still be waiting now if it hadn't happened by accident! As it happened, I came off the pill for other reasons, we both knew, but weren't really careful. We knew it was a 'risk' but never had the discussion about trying. Best thing that ever happened. Number 3 now on the way! It just shifted us into 'family mode' which we were ready for but didn't realise it until we needed to!

Could you just tell him you're coming off the pill? I wouldn't advocate doing it secretively, be up front, but remove the final decision from his hands?

Roselilly36 · 16/05/2022 12:54

Never going to happen, don’t waste anymore time on this man. You need to move on. It will be one excuse after the other. So sorry OP.

Blueberrywitch · 16/05/2022 12:56

I would be wondering where the proposal is before the baby? I would say that you’d like to be engaged by the end of this summer and will be coming off the pill after September. If he’d like to join you in this solid future then he is welcome to but you’re not waiting anymore.

when I first got with my DP I told him that I “wasn’t going to sit on an egg that will never hatch” and got him to commit to marriage and babies in the future if all works out. He knows my timeline.

Be a confident alpha female and know your worth.

altiara · 16/05/2022 12:59

I’d give him a date for the ultimatum, set a date eg 2 weeks, or a months time, tell him he needs to consider whether he wants children (&marriage?) and make it clear, if he’s says ‘yes’ to marriage and kids, you book the registry office and come off the pill. If no, then you sort out what to do with your home and bills etc and the relationship will be over.

Stellamar · 16/05/2022 13:00

How long have you been together? Do you want to get married?

Stellamar · 16/05/2022 13:02

Sadly there are lots of threads from women whose partners strung them along like this through their last fertile years, then dump them for a much younger get woman who is married and pregnant within the year.

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