Newborn, as awful as I’ve read? advice please

[Scsredrd]

I’ve heard horror stories of a new baby. To the point where I feel like I won’t cope even though I always thought I would. Is it as terrible as people say? Is it lonely and exhausting? I was ready to go in and take what I had to but honestly the things I’ve heard have made me terrified.

It is hard for most people but most people also get through it. And it gets easier by increments as time passes (excluding the odd temporary step backwards). Do you have decent support from your partner and others?

I found it very hard but it only lasted one year and since then DS has been a breeze. He is now 6 and the baby stage is long gone and pretty much forgotten. The joy I get from parenting makes it more than worth it.

I loved the newborn phase. Make sure lots of food in, tv is working and just hunker down.

Of course its a lot easier with just one baby and no older kids.

personally, the newborn stage with DTs was fucking horrendous. Lack of sleep, competitive tiredness with DH, it's really really dull.

But you cope, and it gets better, and easier, and they sleep a bit more and become actual fun. not enough to make me want to do it again though

Some people love the newborn stage and struggle with the toddler stage. It depends on the baby and your personality too. Problem is you can't chose what you get!

I found it pretty easy. It entirely depends on various things: baby temperament, your health and recovery, support from partner, your own temperament. So it's different for everyone.

I had an easy baby, very happy and chilled, slept well, and I recovered well from birth, have a very involved husband, etc. And I'm not an anxious or stressed person generally. So I loved newborn phase and found I genuinely had a lot more time to read and watch box sets and stuff than I ever imagined. We were out and about loads and I think back very fondly on those days.

My friend had a baby three days after me and had a very different experience. Very difficult birth, high needs baby who it turned out had CMPA and who screamed constantly so she was scared to leave the house, partner had a mental breakdown a week after baby arrived so offered no support, she's anxious by nature anyway and that was ramped up to a million postnatally.

So some of it you can control to an extent, some stuff you can't.

One of the happiest times of my life! I loved having a newborn, it was epic. I also love the toddler stage, not without challenges but watching her grow up is the best thing ever.

It depends. You might be the sort of person who finds it a doddle, you might have an easy baby, you might have a lot of family support.

It's just a phase though. And the difficulties are balanced against the absolute gorgeousness of the cuddles and smiles and closeness. I adore my kids but I do sometimes miss the little babygro-d versions of them snuggling their faces into my neck as they got tired.

I hated the baby stage for the most part, although I found it easier with my second. Mainly because I didn't bother listening to others opinions and stupid advice and had the confidence to make my own decisions and go out daily to get some air. The first time I loathed it. I just find the baby stage so boring. You give your all and they give little back. Just a whole load of pee and poop and barf and clean up. Lots of sleepless nights and worry. I also dislike that everything has to revolve around babies and they always need to be the topic of conversation. I hated that I had to the and show some interest and enthusiasm about other peoples babies as well and say they were so adorable even when they slobbered and spat up. Sorry. That's just my opinion. But then again I did suffered with PPD so....

For me I preferred the newborn stage, almost found it a breeze, when they started getting about was when much harder than I had prepared for, throw in ADHD/ASD and it’s been awfully hard work, mentally and physically draining. I think everyone has such a different experience like others have said depending on the baby’s personality and whether you have solid support/ stable mental health.

It ruined my marriage. I was angry because DH wasn’t doing his share of childcare. He was angry because I wasn’t doing my share of earning. And also because I was so tired that I rejected him, because to me he was just another chore and I was already exhausted. Birth ruined me physically, I’ll never recover. DS is four and we still argue about division of labour, whose turn it is to do bedtime while the other person watches tv, whose turn it is to wipe his bum, etc. Then I reject DH again because I’m angry that he still isn’t doing his share. Parenting as a whole is lonely and exhausting and miserable. Sorry.

It’s hard but it’s only a few months. Then you’ve got the rest of their lives to cope with 😁

Also depends who you’re having a baby with. If your partner doesn’t do 50% of housework/life admin etc now then they will definitely think that childrearing is not their responsibility.

But that's just your experience and nowhere near universal. My DD is 3.5 and we've never experienced any of that and our marriage and relationship is great. It doesn't mean your experience is wrong or mine is right; it just means that there's no universal truth. Everyone is different.

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time 

You might get lucky and get one of these mythical easy babies I’ve heard tell about. Never had one myself. You just get through it though and it’s all totally worth it.

Everyone can only share their own experiences. In my case, I had a difficult birth, hospital stay and I wasn’t able to breastfeed when I really wanted to - I was diagnosed with pnd possibly as a result of those things combined. Im not sure if it was depression as such, certainly a lot of anxiety. It was also lockdown and I felt even more isolated than I might have done as a new mum anyway.

Having said all that, DD was a comparatively easy baby. No major allergy/ colic type issues, fed well once we realised breastfeeding was never going to happen and switched to formula, reasonably content. She did however refuse to be put down basically ever, so I basically held her for about 4 months straight. Once I’d embraced slings, contact napping and cosleeping at night though, she mostly slept for reasonable stretches and things became manageable again.

I felt very very low for about 6 weeks, I just couldn’t stop crying. I could still cry now thinking about the feeding thing, and she’s nearly 2. But in that time I was still indescribably in love with her, I ate loads of snacks and watched a shit load of Netflix.

Each stage has got easier in some ways, harder in others. But totally and utterly worth it for me.

Ive missed that newborn phase a lot since and would totally do it again even knowing how very hard it was - that’s not going to happen for various other reasons, but millions of women do it again (and again and again) so they clearly don’t find it so hard as to put them off completely.

Disclaimer - I had a supportive partner (although fuck me did it test our relationship and still does), good health and reasonably comfortable financially so didn’t have to rush back to work before I felt ready (though for some people the going back to work bit is when it starts to get easier) and whilst we are not loaded we have been reasonably able to throw a little bit of money at stuff when needed, eg we eventually paid for a (very gentle) sleep consultant when things got unsustainable around 12 months, or just stuff like ordering in the nice food/ take always, getting some ironing done for us when we were too tired to function etc.

I found newborn stage fine, she was a good sleeper though. Toddler years bought me to my knees 😅

I hate to break it to you, but I think your problem is a bad marriage, not parenting.

As PP have said, it very much depends on your indivudual circumstances.

For me, combining a baby who barely slept with a personal need for tidiness and order and a husband who worked long and weird hours, make the early months quite hard. At the same time I wouldn't have swapped them for anything!

If you can get your head around not being on control of your life for a while, de-prioritising housework that isn't essential and sleeping when you can, then you'll make your life a bit easier.

I appreciate f you have an unsupportive partner then the resentment is serious.

Despite the lack of sleep and lack of control, it was well worth it. I wouldn't do it any different.

I think different people find different stages harder/easier. It’s definitely a shock, but I have the fondest memories of my first being a newborn, I was exhausted and marriage suffered a bit, but actually caring for her was quite easy, all problems solved with my boobs really! Babies are portable and often easily pleased.

i was honestly so thrilled to not be pregnant I was on cloud 9 for months. I had an awful pregnancy.

It truly depends on so many factors that you cannot know until you take the plunge.

Babies all have different temperaments (before having my Dd I thought a baby was a baby…not so! Just like adults some are more needy/intense than others)

your birth experience can profoundly effect your postpartum period too. As can babies needs such as colic or reflux.

I would read up on the fourth trimester. This will give you an insight into newborn life.

life with a newborn forces you to slow down. Surround yourself with preprepared food & support from family and friends. Prior to birth discuss with your DP what his role will be and what you will do as a couple if you become overwhelmed.

Nothing can truly prepare you for being solely responsible for a fragile beautiful new life. However remember that mothers have been navigating new motherhood forever. Have faith in yourself ❤️

No. Honestly - no!

People seemed to almost enjoy telling me how awful the newborn phase was and how I'd struggle to cope as a single parent.
I suppose at least I was prepared. The truth is that for a handful of parents the newborn phase is awful and soul destroying and severely sleep deprived but when I think of all my friends who I was close to during the baby phase, of 12 friends only 1 had a truly awful newborn phase.

I think everyone finds the very first weeks hard just because you're adjusting to being awake at night and perhaps struggling to establish breastfeeding (I really did) but once we were over the initial struggle with night-feeding, life was actually really really enjoyable, probably from 4 weeks for me. In the first couple of weeks we had trouble with slow weight gain and were readmitted which I found really stressful but things started to settle after that.

My year's maternity leave was, hands-down, the happiest year of my life. I loved that all that was expected of me was to look after my baby!

I won’t lie, it’s very very tough. I’ve got one 6 year old and not having more. She’s great now though xx

its hard but they are worth it.

So much depends on the baby you get.

My first had silent reflux and it was fairly horrendous. Little sleeping, lots of screaming, hated the pram. My second was the easiest, sunniest wee thing and so it was a breeze really. If I'd had them the other way around I wouldn't have known what hit me!

As others have alluded to, it will be much easier if you have a partner who is on board with pulling their weight, so if you have any concerns about that address it now.

If you are looking for horror stories about newborns you will find them on here for sure. Mumsnet is a great source of advice and support and if you need help there is always a friendly voice here to help.

However, I will say the horror stories are not the full picture. Please don’t be put off by them.

Not all newborns never sleep or cry relentlessly when they are not are glued to your left boob.

Sleepless nights are not a certainty. Many of them are content, sleepy little bundles of joy.

You won’t hear those stories as much on here though a) because mums needing help and support are more likely to post and b) because mums saying their newborns smile all day and sleep all night get accused of being goady.