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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Spookster II

266 replies

spook · 23/11/2004 10:04

Hi Freckle. I can't post on my thread!! It just keeps freezing my screen and has done for a couple of days. The last post was a fluke so here's a new one!!
I'm not going to Ibiza I'm going to stay with some friends down south. I think Ibiza will just be too depressing on our own-my family won't even be there. But he's obviously not best pleased. I didn't get any response to the news whatesoever.
DS1 trashed the kitchen again last night. It is absolutely horrific to listen to. There's nothing I can do other than let him get it out of his system. He got an assesment from school yesterday and it was nearly all A5's. (outstanding achievment and effort) So there are luckily no worries there. He just saves it all up for when he gets home. DS2 is starting to be affected. God it's heartbreaking. Feel like phoning him and just holding the phone up to the screaming but what good will that do??? Just make him angry with me coz of his guilt.
Thanks for your mail honey. Will reply today XXXXX

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 25/11/2004 07:55

Tosser. But you know that

Freckle · 25/11/2004 08:28

It's "none of them is", just for the record .

WigandRobe · 25/11/2004 08:42

Message deleted

Original poster
spook · 25/11/2004 08:45

Keep 'em coming girls.Its really making me laugh!!

OP posts:
WigandRobe · 25/11/2004 08:54

Message deleted

coppertop · 25/11/2004 09:25

PMSL at W&R!

Original poster
spook · 27/11/2004 12:29

Hi everyone. DH just picked up boys and he received the fax from my solicitor yesterday. He is absolutely frothing.
His main problem was the fact that it wanted him to pu the house back on the market and that I was not prepared to sign off on another 20 grand of the mortgage until he had given a breakdown of his finances.
But this is what really got him...
"it is quite clear that your client cannot afford to continue with his current lifestyle"
God-he went mental. After all this time-I finally push on and he goes absolutely mental. Banging on about how I spend all the money,he supports me blah blah blah.
I am shaking.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 27/11/2004 12:35

Oh sweetie, sorry to read this. Giod, the cheek of the man is quite astounding. What tf did he think would be the effect of his actions? You've been doing so well Spook, try not to let this stop you in your tracks.

anorak · 27/11/2004 12:44

When he married you and had two children with you supporting you was part of the deal. He can change his mind about being there but he can't change his mind about supporting you. The law won't let him. He can fume all he likes but you are in the right here.

You have to try not to be so affected by his moods, because there isn't a damn thing you can do about them. He is an adult and is responsible for himself, and if he chooses to act like an arse that's his problem.

Freckle · 27/11/2004 12:45

And how like him to turn this round so that it's all your fault. Ignore him. You are taking control and he won't like it, no matter what you do or what is said.

If you want to move on, then unfortunately you are going to have to deal with some unpleasantness, because he's not going to go quietly, is he?

Chin up sweetie. You're doing brilliantly - which is probably what p*sses him off.

Original poster
spook · 27/11/2004 12:59

But WHY should it piss him off??? I really don't understand this. Shouldn't he be pleased that I'm moving on,and getting stronger and not clingign to him?
The boys have both been very low this week and they just saw all that. He came down the drive guns blazing and yes-he started it but I took the bait big time and thse poor boys saw the lot. Fucking hell Spook. You silly silly mare. I love those children so much and I am party to their heartbreak by doing things like this. I know I am in the wrong here. Just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
spook · 27/11/2004 12:59

And I just called him to speak to the boys and they wouldn't speak to me. He said DS1 was feeling sick. I am DESPERATE to talk to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
spook · 27/11/2004 13:01

And I just called him to speak to the boys and they wouldn't speak to me. He said DS1 was feeling sick. I am DESPERATE to talk to them.

OP posts:
WigandRobe · 27/11/2004 13:07

Message deleted

WideWebWitch · 27/11/2004 13:09

spook, I know it's a bit different but if it's any consolation my son quite often won't speak to me when he's with his dad and our split is very amicable. I think kids do live in the moment, try not to worry. HE is the one who should be feeling guilty about any effect on the children, since HE is the one who walked. God, he makes me fucking angry, he really does. And now he's using them to get at you because you, in the spirit of self preservation are doing exactly what you are entitled to do and ought to do. Please don't beat yourself up, you've done nothing wrong. Is there something nice you could do for yourself this afternoon (like taking a lovely man to bed or something? ) or a sauna or a film or browsing a book shop or supper with a friend? Thinking of you.

Original poster
spook · 27/11/2004 13:09

Well I said can I speak to the boys and he said no-not unless you tell me what you're going to say. Then according to him he handed the phone to DS1 but he didn't want to speak. Have just texted him to ask wj=hat he's doing with them and is there any chance I can just go and give them a hug. Sure that's going to go down really well.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 27/11/2004 13:11

God he's horrible. How dare he use them like this?

WideWebWitch · 27/11/2004 13:11

None of his fucking business what you're going to say to them, frankly.

Original poster
spook · 27/11/2004 13:11

Well WWW. I would LOVE to browse in a bookshop but can't really do anything which may involve spending money. Am having supper with friends tonight but it's the hours between now and then I'm worried about. I really need to see my children

OP posts:
Freckle · 27/11/2004 13:13

No, he probably won't be pleased that you're moving on, because it means that he isn't in control. Up until now, he's had his cake and eaten it. He's had his life with her and you begging him to come back, his family where he can see them as and when he likes. As you move on and take control of your own future, he's having to face up to the fact that all he's going to be left with is her.

And I don't see why you're in the wrong at all. What your solicitor wrote is just the truth. Not certain why that should get him so angry, unless it's just that he's probably been ignoring the facts up until now.

WideWebWitch · 27/11/2004 13:13

Second hand bookshop? Or Amazon used books? They're a lot cheaper than usual although you don't get the instant gratification thing you get with a RL shop. Going out now but hope you find something to distract and cheer you this afternoon. Glad you're out with friends this evening. I do hope they've all dropped him like a hot potato btw.

WigandRobe · 27/11/2004 13:15

Message deleted

Original poster
spook · 27/11/2004 13:16

He hasn't responded to my text. I have never tried to interfere with his children time before but I really will go out of my mind if I don't just see them for a hug before tomorrow. He could at least reply even if the answers no couldn't he? he knows how much I love those boys.

OP posts:
moomina · 27/11/2004 13:16

Spook, honey, gotta be quick as am taking ds to his father's. Just wanted to say sorry he is being such an arse - AGAIN.

We've said it before but I think it does bear repeating - the reason he is getting pissed off is because he wanted to have his cake and eat it to and now he's slowly becoming aware that is not going to happen. He wanted wifey at home in the nice big house looking after his boys - and slutface in his penthouse looking after his other interests...

These are the consequences of him leaving his family to set up with a 22-year-old. If he doesn't get that fact when you tell him, then he's going to have to be told through a solicitor. That's how it works. Stupid, selfish, arrogant man.

AND YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG!! FGS, he has treated you abominably. You have every right to be angry. I know you feel bad about the boys and I would feel that way (have felt that way!) too. Anorak is right when she says you must try not to let him wind you up, but that doesn't mean anger is the 'wrong' reaction. Oh god, am rambling now, and have to go - just wanted to say (((()))

Freckle · 27/11/2004 13:17

If you can't browse in a bookshop, go to the library. Or watch a dvd or something.

I suspect that DS1 heard what his dad said to you and thought that if he spoke to you on the phone it might cause another argument. I doubt very much that he chose not to speak to you because he didn't want to - if his dad even passed the phone to him, which he probably didn't.