Difficult relationship with 8 year old.

[avocadodi]

Please help me to feel not so alone.
I have an 8 year old daughter. I love her, obviously, but she's such hard work.
She whinges 24 hours a day, she's argumentative, rude, fussy, always feels hard done by. Nothing is ever good enough for her.
She's not very resilient, if something is difficult she'd rather quit.
At meal times she thinks everyone else has more than her, she thinks her little brother has more toys, better friends, nicer trainers etc etc.
She has absolutely everything in the world she could possibly want. Hundreds of pounds of extra curricular activities, nice clothes, a nice house, pets, a couple of friends, large extended family, lovely holidays.
I'm really trying hard not to show her that ultimately I'd rather not be around the whinging and moaning.
Honestly I'll take her out for a girls day and buy her clothes, and toys, and get her lunch.
Then she'll moan that I should have bought her more toys, or 2 pairs of trainers.
I am at a complete loss.
I know she's spoilt, but where do I go from here?

Plus her behaviour in general, she doesn't listen. I have to tell her 20 times before she does something.
I'll ask her nicely to get off her PlayStation, and she'll ignore me, so I ask again nicely, she'll ignore me, then remind her we are going to be late, she still ignores me, then eventually she'll chuck the controller and scream at me.
Just not a pleasant house to live in.

Send her to boarding school

are there any consequences for the unpleasant behaviour? Do you just spend time with her without buying her stuff or spending money to do stuff?
All behaviour is communication and maybe she is insecure and has low self esteem and feels like she is trying to feel better with more things. There’s a website called Aha parenting which has lots of great advice on communicating with your child and understanding their behaviour.

Yes I feel the same about my dd9, she has autism though so a lot of the hard work isn't her fault. She is spoilt as well though, always feels hard done by, wants what her friends have etc, moans our house is too small, I should earn more money. I love her but don't always like her v much.

What are the consequences for not listening? If she regularly doesn’t listen then she gets two warnings and the PlayStation is switched off/is confiscated. You can give her a five minute warning. But I would be very firm about this kind of behaviour.

Is there a reason she’s ‘spoilt’? Is it because she’s a girl/ first born/difficult birth/difficult circumstances? Perhaps untangling that might be a first step.

Look some people are pessimistic. You may not be able to change that. But you can point out how much she DOES have. Maybe cut down on what she (and her siblings get) and see if they notice. Say no a lot more. Then when they get something it is more valuable.

And over and above that, ignore the whinging. Separate that which is a personality trait- she might just be a slightly grumpy/fussy person from that which is unacceptable- rudeness.

Discipline

Tell her she is rude and you will not put up with her behaviour.

Send her to her room every time she is rude until she realises you are in charge.

Count to 3 if she is not listening g to you and follow through on what you say.

Children only do what you allow them to get away with.

Tell her she has 10 minutes left on PlayStation. Then give her a 5 minute warning.
then switch it off. If she tantrums, leave the room (taking PlayStation controllers with you)
don’t ask her - tell her in a kind way, but make sure it is non-negotiable.

she knows you are a soft touch, I’m afraid.

don’t buy her everything she wants. That’s not benefiting her and it’s a huge waste of money and resources. It is setting up an expectation that she can have whatever she wants and that what she has is never enough.

Maybe spend a bit of one on one time with her where you don't buy anything, just a nice walk or go to the park, have a chat with her, ask her why she often feels angry or frustrated or grumpy. Maybe there is something going on at school that she is unhappy about and taking it out on people at home as that is where she feels most comfortable. Regarding the being spoilt, when I feel DD (7) is getting a bit ungrateful, we remind her that not everyone is as fortunate as her and she chooses something in the supermarket to put in the food bank for example.

There are consequences to her behaviour. She loses PlayStation time, but doesn't seem to care.
Or she gets sent to her room, again she doesn't care, just reads or draws.
I must count to 3 about 100 times a day.
She only seems to have a couple of friends too, and I'm sure it's because she's whinging or moaning, or putting on a miserable face.
Academically she's a really high flier, but emotionally she struggles.
I think I buy her things to shut her up in all honesty.
And I give in and give her PlayStation time as I'd rather be on there and be quiet instead of whinging, moping, begging for stuff.

I've tried just going for a walk. She'll just nag the whole way for ice cream, or snacks, or duck food, or to be at a different park etc.
She is never satisfied.
From the moment she opens her eyes in the morning she will stomp into our room with a face on her. Then she'll whinge, huff and puff.
It's too hot, too cold, she wanted different pyjamas, she's thirsty, she heard a bird chirp and she was trying to sleep.

You're right. She's spoilt.

She'll beg and beg to do after school activities. So I'll sign her up, buy the kit, spend a fortune every month, but when it's time to leave the house she'll kick off that she doesn't want to go.
When she gets there she loves it.
Then I threaten to cancel the activity going forward as I'm sick of the whinging every week and she'll profess how much she loves it and she never ever wants to quit?

I think if you say something you have to follow through. So if you say no play station you need to stick with it. Else she will whine because she knows you will just cave.

Her brother on the other hand is an absolute dream. He's always so thankful for everything he gets.
He's happy, loving, cheerful, affectionate.
He listens, doesn't scream at me, plays independently with no fuss.
Honestly, if it wasn't for him then I'd think I'd failed at parenting.

She's lost her PlayStation for a week before. Then her behaviour improves as she knows how to play it to get it back.
Then as soon as it's back she's vile again.

It's sounds like its a bad habit she's fallen in to. Perhaps never buy what she is whingeing for, don't respond to any moans, then do treat her to something because YOU want it. You probably try to chivvy her along, you could try moaning back/ agreeing with her whinge about whatever, see how she feels.

Sounds tough OP, I feel for you. I just wondered with your last post if she feels that you like her DB more than her and being demanding is her way to get attention?

Her DB sounds suspiciously angelic.

It's so much easier to like her brother though. Honestly he's delightful.
I love them both the same, but he's had to grow up just getting on with it because she takes everyone's time, energy and attention.

Are you and DH very different temperamentally and she is taking after one, your DS the other.
I certainly had this with mine.

Why suspiciously?
He's just had to get on with it.
He has his moments honestly, he'll mess about when we are trying to get out the house for school, and he wakes up at 5.45am practically every day!
But that's much easier to deal with than his sister!

I think she takes after me in all honesty. My mum says I was similar.
Maybe I can see my faults in her.

I'd honestly lose the PlayStation for a month or two. I'd also stop buying stuff as an activity. Obviously she needs what she needs. I'd be tempted to show her how poorer people live, volunteer somewhere etc. If she moans just walk away.

I think for some if the general moans like a bird singing woke her up etc maybe you need to validate her, I mean a bied waking me up would piss me off too. She may be a bit more sensitive. I am convinved my daughter has some aensory issues and it often results on moaning and meltdowns.

For other sorts of whinging, the disrespectful sort like you should have bought me more toys I would give consequences, in fact I'd point out how ungrateful she was being and threaten to return the new stuff or donate it to charity as she clearly doesnt deserve it.

Maybe try and use the playstation more positively, rather than as a thing to be taken away use it as a reward. She has to earn screen time by completing chores or she can earn 5 mins every time you notice her being kind and polite. Also can you set it up so the screen time just ends, we've done this with our xbox and it saves the arguements.

You're quite literally spoiling her rotten.