Difficult relationship with 8 year old.

[avocadodi]

Please help me to feel not so alone.
I have an 8 year old daughter. I love her, obviously, but she's such hard work.
She whinges 24 hours a day, she's argumentative, rude, fussy, always feels hard done by. Nothing is ever good enough for her.
She's not very resilient, if something is difficult she'd rather quit.
At meal times she thinks everyone else has more than her, she thinks her little brother has more toys, better friends, nicer trainers etc etc.
She has absolutely everything in the world she could possibly want. Hundreds of pounds of extra curricular activities, nice clothes, a nice house, pets, a couple of friends, large extended family, lovely holidays.
I'm really trying hard not to show her that ultimately I'd rather not be around the whinging and moaning.
Honestly I'll take her out for a girls day and buy her clothes, and toys, and get her lunch.
Then she'll moan that I should have bought her more toys, or 2 pairs of trainers.
I am at a complete loss.
I know she's spoilt, but where do I go from here?

I found it hard to deal with DS1 as he's more like me emotionally and socially, whereas more physical like his dad so it seemed like they had more in common (and his dad knows how to jolly him out of a grump because, well, he's practiced with me!)

What has helped:

• not seeing my (perceived) failures in him and taking it out on him
• finding ways around the things that frustrate me most: eg, his slowness. At the start I'd be chiding him come on come on, then I just did it for him. Then if he did one tiny thing by himself, he got a sticker. Then he got a reminder of time and if he's down by the time I asked he got a sticker. Now it's if he's done all the things by 8am that he gets a sticker.
• connection. We have found a mutual interest in Harry Potter and have such a better relationship because we have something to do together.
• bedtime. I lay with him for a while before bed and we just chat.

Don't get me wrong- he still frustrates the hell out of me but I am very hard on myself too, so I think the characteristics of my own that I see in him, frustrate and worry me. I know that I'm worried he'll be a lonely child like I was- but then I was a very happy child cos I got to play my own way, and I've lived my own life the way I want to. So there are loads of positives. Try and see if any of her actions are triggers for you and consider why.

All the best x

She craves your time and love, instead she gets 'stuff' while you seem to like her brother more. So she demands more stuff because it feels like that's how she gets your attention - but it is never fulfilling because what she really wants is love so it never really makes her happy and she's permanently miserable.

Stop buying her stuff and sticking her on the ipad and give her your time and attention - read to her, play games with her, go for a walk with her, do art with her, cook something with her. Do things that don't cost money but require your time and effort. What would she like to do? Instead of valuing her brother because he plays by himself and doesn't bother you, start playing with both of them. She's taking all your time, effort and energy in negative ways because it doesn't sound like you do anything positive with her that doesn't involve money.

Also I've taken parenting courses:

Thrive Family
Triple P Parenting

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I can't really explain it but I do feel that "spoiling" as in being bought lots of things steals the joy from life a bit. I have slipped into this at times with my children before where I have spotted they have lost straight forward enjoyment. Based only on my observation of my children, getting new things/constant treats isn't proper enjoyment for them, even though they think it's what they want. There is a bit of a buzz and then it's gone. An 8 year old should still love playgrounds/cycling/scooters etc. In my experience is quite easy to reset things. You just have to put up with a bit of moaning initially but not many children can resist a good outdoors play if you throw yourself into it. Or board/card game session.

Also regarding video games. I only get them out at a time when there is no pressure to stop. Like a lazy weekend morning. Occasionally after school but early in afternoon and not of they are tired. As well as the usual warnings, I will, where possible time stopping with something good, like a snack and drink or fun activity. Another tip (possibly rubbish parenting!) is using"Alexa". I agree time on the games console and then get DC to set a timer on Alexa with a 5 minutes notice timer. Maybe they feel in control but they pay more attention to an alarm going off!

I have a 9yo and although she isn't how you describe I didn't want her to get spoilt as it's so easy to when she's an only child. So I got her a go Henry card and she earns her pocket money. I'd also threaten to take away her activities if she's not applying herself

As a PP said this is exactly what's happening. Being bought stuff so much means that she's lost the joy in getting things and in the little things in life.
We went through a period of a month where we said no new clothes, treats or toys for either of them. But then grandparents, and aunties and extended family would pop by with a packet of sweets, or books from the charity shop, or Easter pyjamas, or a bubble machine etc.
it's like they're both completely overwhelmed with stuff.

Even activities wise they are invited to so much stuff.
Gymnastics presentations, horse riding fun days, birthday parties, friends leaving parties, family bbqs, dinner with friends.
Which all entail spending hours doing stuff that pleases them, getting sweets, chocolate, party food, party bags, prizes, certificates, medals etc.

My 8 year old dd is a delight. I'm sorry but yours sounds really spoiled. I don't say that to judge but I think that's where the problem lies.

I have taken my dd shopping for clothes & toys maybe twice. She never needs toys & is not used to just getting stuff because she wants it. PlayStation etc should be earned. Give her chores if she doesn't do already do any. Change the rules. Children need boundaries.

My dd isn't always that resilient either though. I think the best thing our dc can have is grit, so I'm working in improving that.

Good luck, I hope things improve.

Dear op, I think people are giving you a hard time on this tread.
My oldest Dd8 could be yours, down to the winging and stomping around screaming "it's unfair"!!! And she has a much easier sibling too.. We had a particularly bad period after Christmas where we moved house and everything in her room had to be more and better than her sisters etc etc.
Then I got a message from one of her friends mum at school saying she had been rude to her friend too. That was the turning point for us. Her father and I sat her down and really demanded to know why she was behaving like this. We made it utterly clear to her that if this continued she would loose all privileges (and she was grounded, too). In the end she told me that mummy always thought she was a bad girl and her sister not, so a big part of it was good old fashioned attention seeking. It made my heart break though and I needed a plan forward. Here's what I found really works on our one (but of course this might not work next week(!)

Spending time with her. Not shopping, or homework or activities. Just her and me talking or messing about. And really listen to what she wants to say. If she starts the old "I want!/don't like/ give me" she loses special time with mummy as we cut the time short

To put emphasis on having a few clear rules she understands. She has to know that she is really lucky to have so many things and we talk/watch about less fortunate people all the time. She is getting her head around this by being consistent and reminding her if she is not greatful she looses whatever price she has been promised.

She has a point system she has to earn now for priviliges (like a toddler) but it really works just in a larger scale

Least but not last we managed to make a little joke about how she whinges and moans sometimes and she even starts laughing herself "oh what a drama queen" in the midst of a tantrum 😊

It's not easy being the more challenging child, and your one too will be doing everything she can so that you will see her OP. Best of luck 🤗

Sounds like me as a child. Turns out I had adhd . It's often harder to see in girls.

She sounds overloaded and dysregulated. I struggle to cope with vast amounts of stuff or too many social commitments and I’m in my 30s. Im not surprised she’s acting out being expected to cope with all this with the brain of an 8 year old. Can life be dialled down a bit? Put a lot of clothes and toys away. Reduce the after school activities down to a few she really loves and wants to stick to. Use weekends to go to local places where she can burn off steam physically. Really really suck up your own inner urge to scream and try and just connect with her and find out what’s causing the underlying behaviour as opposed to trying to fix it with more stuff.

My dgd is much the same, and her dm does loads with her. They do baking, colouring, play with dolls, go out for walks with the dogs. Still she wants stuff, stamps her feet, says "no!" and has sulks and tantrums.

I've just had a chat with her before bed about her behaviour and the consequences that will be happening.
I've told her that she won't be having any treats, toys or clothes until her birthday at the end of June, so don't even bother asking.
I've also just briefed our family chat saying the same thing, that she is getting overwhelmed with having so much stuff and it's affecting her behaviour, so please save any gifts for her birthday.
I'd love to cut down on activities, but she's refusing to. So will just try this for a month now.

Good for you OP. Setting boundaries will help. Now stick to them. You can do it!

How many nights a week does she do things? I don’t want to go on about it, but I really think a lot of DC are just far too over scheduled and not able to handle it. Looking back I definitely was as a pre teen. Funnily enough, I did loads of stuff, but none of it particularly well so then ended up quitting and being sullen about it! Definitely stick to nothing new for sure, unless multiple other things are being dropped.

I've told her that she won't be having any treats, toys or clothes until her birthday at the end of June, so don't even bother asking. That could feel like a really miserable message a child OP. Especially at bedtime. I'd be subtly managing her out of the constant getting things. Like if you have time together say I know what might be fun..... Rather than shopping/getting things etc. Big up the wanting to do xyz fun thing with her, not focusing on the loss bit.
I know it sounds soft but I try to see behaviour as communication rather than my child being bad.
Maybe set boundaries with the activities. Again you can soften this, think of something stopping one activity would free you up the to do something with her and sell it that way as a done deal.

Is she in a girls school / independent in London / Surrey with lots of people with cash !?!?
they expect it as they see it all the time as that’s the norm with loads of wonga spent on them.
Sorry but she knows how to play you …. You are the mum and she is the child. She is pushing your boundaries to find out what is acceptable. She is controlling you with all her demands…. that could be sen or not . Good luck! Maybe have an art and craft day / make buns / watch britain got talent with homemade pizza / popcorn. Just go back to basics she is craving your love and she is probably jealous of the relationship of the golden brother. She will of noticed that massively and is probably upset x good luck x

OP

Record her and show her the next time.

No, she's in a state school in a pretty affluent area.
But I will say that materialistic wise she has the most out of her friends.
So I don't understand her constant craving to have more.
We are not loaded by any stretch, but we are comfortable and live in a small 5 bed house. Really 4.5 bed!
I'd be a lot better off if I wasn't paying for so much stuff for her though. I look like a bag lady in comparison!

Suggest she gets a pen pal who is from a less fortunate country. Your dd sounds frankly bloody awful.

Games console at 8?

The constant whingeing sounds like wanting attention. Could try having experiences with her. Simple things like build something together, dig up the garden, construct a tent or simply sit with her while you are both colouring. Sounds silly but perhaps doing something that absorbs her attention whilst you are working alongside her may help her have more positive interactions with you. I think physical work while chatting is sometimes quite therapeutic.

toddler DD will often give me a swift whack if she’s lost my attention but seems happiest when we are working on something together (play-doh at the moment, I roll doh into tubes and she stuffs them into her play doh syringe) I know your DD isn’t a toddler but for some reason it reminded me a bit of how DD gets sometimes and how I try to fix it.

whats she like with her dad?

I feel for you OP. My DD 9 is also very challenging. She seems to have such a negative energy. Always moaning and never satisfied. We don’t buy her lots of stuff or do lots of exciting activities as we don’t have the money. However when we do have the occasional treat she never seems to enjoy it that much. I sometimes wonder if as modern parents we put too much emphasis on children enjoying things and expressing joy and gratitude. My parents never seemed to care much about if I enjoyed things! However I still have lots of happy family memories.

But I will say that materialistic wise she has the most out of her friends. So I don't understand her constant craving to have more

Because she’s 8 and doesn’t yet have a mature brain to realise she has enough without being given that boundary. She’s equating the accumulation of more and more stuff and experiences with happiness, without actually finding happiness in any of it.

Honestly I feel a bit sad for her. I think she wants connection and attention from you and probably senses you don't like her much and prefer her brother. She gets lots of stuff and lots of activities but I wonder if she senses the resentment you feel towards her.

I wonder if you could reset it a bit somehow? Yes pull back on the stuff and the extra activities if you can, but step up the time spent and a bit of love bombing? Can you ask her to choose something really special she could do with you for eg 15 mins a day, mum and her special time, share stories, colouring, dancing to her favourite music with a disco light on, a board game she likes whatever. Something she's chosen and where you give her your undivided, positive attention?