Page 3 | Dating after 40

Lovemusic33 · 2022-05-10T08:12:31+00:00

I have been single for 6 years, in my 30’s dating seemed easy, I seemed to get a lot of attention and could easily go on one or 2 dates a week and finding FWB was pretty easy (I didn’t really wants a serious relationship). Now I’m 40 I seem to have hit a brick wall, I suddenly feel invisible to men, have only had one date this year and he seems to have vanished off the face of the earth. I have male friends, 2 of which would like a relationship but I don’t feel the same. I want to meet new people, go on dates, have sex and eventually find someone I want to be with but the opportunity seems to have vanished. Dating apps are just full of the same faces, men that are not my type or they live too far away. I get the occasional message from men calling me ‘babe’ or ‘hun’ which really annoys me, men that I share no interests with. I have hobbies where I occasionally meet people but again I haven’t clicked with anyone. I don’t have huge friendship groups, I don’t really go out drinking (not my thing) so rarely meet new people that way. I feel like I’m no longer datable, no longer attractive or interesting to men. I am happy being single, I don’t necessarily want a serious relationship but I miss the sex and just sharing interests with someone. I’m pretty independent, I have 2 teenagers and we have been on our own since dh left, I don’t ‘need’ a man and I think this might put some men off? Other than that I can’t think why I’m no longer getting noticed. Any tips on how to meet new people other than on line dating?

Watchkeys · 12/05/2022 23:36

So you asked him out, he said 'I'm unsure if you're interested in me romantically?' and instead of saying 'Yes, I am', you threw yourself at him.

And it didn't work out long term.

You really are an expert.

Original poster

Lovemusic33 · 13/05/2022 07:41

xfan · 12/05/2022 17:05

I think the sad reality is a lot of men on the apps appear to want easy access to regular sex and havo no intention of pursuing an actual relationship. They make the minimum amount of effort to get the woman to leave her house so they're one step closer to getting laid. Women still control access to sex. It's all very disappointing.

But that’s kind of what I want too, a relationship would be nice but I’m not overly bothered about anything serious (I’m happy on my own). I would be happy with a FWB type thing but I guess the friendship bit is kind of important so it has to be someone on the same wave length as me. I guess for a lot of men the ‘having things in common’ isn’t important when they are just looking for sex.

Anyway, I spent most of the last 2 days agonising about wether to message the guy I went on a date with 2 weeks ago. The date went really well, we have a lot in common but communication afterwards was rubbish so I kind of left it hoping he would message me to arrange another date, after 2 weeks I was beginning to think ‘ he doesn’t like me’. So yesterday out of the blue he messaged me, I’m hoping this is a good sign and hopefully we will go on a 2nd date.

I don’t think all men are monsters and are out to use woman for sex, yes many of them are so we try and tread carefully. But I guess there are some good ones out there, it’s just knowing when to let my guard down in order to let them in. As I said before ‘I have been dating for around 5 years’, I have met many men who are not who they say they are, married men, men just after a shag, men lying about their age or job and men that are abusive, so it is really hard to let my guard down, especially with someone who is a total stranger (because that’s what men from online dating are, strangers).

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 13/05/2022 08:01

I wouldn't see it as a good sign personally...

Watchkeys · 13/05/2022 08:38

it’s just knowing when to let my guard down in order to let them in

There is no lack of clarity on when you should do this. You do it when they've got things right for long enough that you feel you want to trust them further. You're clearly not doing this at the moment, otherwise you wouldn't be seeing a man contacting you waaaay later than you wanted him to as a good sign. He's already let you down. The right guy won't leave you in situations where you're agonising. You'll be compatible with each other, so you'll have similar ideas about what level of communication you prefer.

Meanwhile, as you agonise, you're wasting time that could be spent out doing stuff, meeting new people, and keeping your options open.

pixie5121 · 13/05/2022 09:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

xfan · 13/05/2022 13:43

Lovemusic33 · 13/05/2022 07:41

But that’s kind of what I want too, a relationship would be nice but I’m not overly bothered about anything serious (I’m happy on my own). I would be happy with a FWB type thing but I guess the friendship bit is kind of important so it has to be someone on the same wave length as me. I guess for a lot of men the ‘having things in common’ isn’t important when they are just looking for sex.

Anyway, I spent most of the last 2 days agonising about wether to message the guy I went on a date with 2 weeks ago. The date went really well, we have a lot in common but communication afterwards was rubbish so I kind of left it hoping he would message me to arrange another date, after 2 weeks I was beginning to think ‘ he doesn’t like me’. So yesterday out of the blue he messaged me, I’m hoping this is a good sign and hopefully we will go on a 2nd date.

I don’t think all men are monsters and are out to use woman for sex, yes many of them are so we try and tread carefully. But I guess there are some good ones out there, it’s just knowing when to let my guard down in order to let them in. As I said before ‘I have been dating for around 5 years’, I have met many men who are not who they say they are, married men, men just after a shag, men lying about their age or job and men that are abusive, so it is really hard to let my guard down, especially with someone who is a total stranger (because that’s what men from online dating are, strangers).

Show quote history

In that case Fabswingers might be the platform for you. Plenty of men who would give you the 'friend' experience in return for sex. I think the FWB is a bit if myth, most people don't really have sex with their friends .. it's a phrase men like to say to women in order to make the act less seedy....

Original poster

Lovemusic33 · 13/05/2022 15:45

Watchkeys · 13/05/2022 08:38

it’s just knowing when to let my guard down in order to let them in

There is no lack of clarity on when you should do this. You do it when they've got things right for long enough that you feel you want to trust them further. You're clearly not doing this at the moment, otherwise you wouldn't be seeing a man contacting you waaaay later than you wanted him to as a good sign. He's already let you down. The right guy won't leave you in situations where you're agonising. You'll be compatible with each other, so you'll have similar ideas about what level of communication you prefer.

Meanwhile, as you agonise, you're wasting time that could be spent out doing stuff, meeting new people, and keeping your options open.

To be fair I was the one that didn’t contact him, he was the last one to message me but he’s not very chatty via text (never has been), I have known him online for a while as we share a interest so I have talked to him in the past (no through online dating), yes he could have tried to arrange another date sooner but so could I have? And I always keep my options open 😁.

I think I just question wether my behaviour is ok? I think I can come across as quite cold on a first date because I don’t want to over invest and I like to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them.

OP posts:

OakPanel · 13/05/2022 17:51

xfan · 13/05/2022 13:43

In that case Fabswingers might be the platform for you. Plenty of men who would give you the 'friend' experience in return for sex. I think the FWB is a bit if myth, most people don't really have sex with their friends .. it's a phrase men like to say to women in order to make the act less seedy....

Show quote history

I'd have sex with a fair number of my male friends. And, tbh, I have...

I don't particularly fancy any of them but I'm curious and like the 'novelty'. I can see what men mean when they say it didn't anything. I mean, I wouldn't cheat on anyone but, if I were single, and the opportunity to have sex with a lot of my male friends came up, I would do so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Apparently, I think quite like a 'bloke' when it comes to sex.

Original poster

Lovemusic33 · 13/05/2022 19:18

Oakpanel You sound like me 🤣, and yes I have had sex with my male friends but none of them were that good and I wouldn’t want to be tied down to someone who isn’t that great in bed, sex is pretty important to me, probably more so than a relationship, unless I can find someone who’s amazing in bed and ticks all the boxes for what I would want in a relationship I wouldn’t want to just be with one person.

I often get told I behave like a male when it comes to sex.

OP posts:

TossCointoYerWitcher · 13/05/2022 19:21

When I first divorced, I was advised by a female friend to look for a FWB - I’ve never been one for casual sex, to be honest, however given where my head was at, I could see the attraction. Having just come out of a long serious relationship I felt whoever I next dated would inevitably be a rebound and I really don’t like to mess people around or lead them on. So a way of “dipping in my toe” as it were - maybe with someone in a similar headspace - seemed a solution. In reality, it’s not happened - most women my age on OLD and real life that I’ve met want a soul mate. Those that do want FEB (looking on OLD and even Fab after learning about it here) tend to want men in prime physical shape (and/or younger!) and can get it, so I’m, frankly, not going to make the cut!

Watchkeys · 14/05/2022 00:02

I think I just question wether my behaviour is ok? I think I can come across as quite cold on a first date because I don’t want to over invest and I like to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them

This is who you are. If that's the side of you you want to show, then the right person will think that's great.