Dating after 40

[Lovemusic33]

I have been single for 6 years, in my 30’s dating seemed easy, I seemed to get a lot of attention and could easily go on one or 2 dates a week and finding FWB was pretty easy (I didn’t really wants a serious relationship). Now I’m 40 I seem to have hit a brick wall, I suddenly feel invisible to men, have only had one date this year and he seems to have vanished off the face of the earth. I have male friends, 2 of which would like a relationship but I don’t feel the same. I want to meet new people, go on dates, have sex and eventually find someone I want to be with but the opportunity seems to have vanished. Dating apps are just full of the same faces, men that are not my type or they live too far away. I get the occasional message from men calling me ‘babe’ or ‘hun’ which really annoys me, men that I share no interests with.

I have hobbies where I occasionally meet people but again I haven’t clicked with anyone. I don’t have huge friendship groups, I don’t really go out drinking (not my thing) so rarely meet new people that way.

I feel like I’m no longer datable, no longer attractive or interesting to men.

I am happy being single, I don’t necessarily want a serious relationship but I miss the sex and just sharing interests with someone. I’m pretty independent, I have 2 teenagers and we have been on our own since dh left, I don’t ‘need’ a man and I think this might put some men off? Other than that I can’t think why I’m no longer getting noticed.

Any tips on how to meet new people other than on line dating?

Why stick at it when it's clearly a pond of filth these days and your standards are so high? It doesn't make sense.

Nor does continuing to hang around somewhere you don't like, hoping to be liked yourself, and feeling bashed right in the self esteem when you're not. If they're all such toads, why would you want them to like you? You must believe there's some decent people on there, or you'd have to be really desperate to even be bothering.

I think decent men go off dating sites because they either get into proper relationships relatively quickly or they get bombarded with fake profiles.

Sorry, @pixie5121 , I got the idea that you'd been at it for a while as you seem to be an authority the subject, on the changes that have taken place since October, and you said

It's really noticeable how the quality of men has really dipped over the past year

Just looks a lot like you know what you're talking about, which is unexpected for someone who's got so little experience.

I don't think dating is 'broken' as it's not a phenomenon, just an activity you do to get to a relationship. It's a different experience for everyone. It's like saying the job market is broken because I personally can't find a job and I knew a few dozen people (in a world of billions who are employed) who can't find a job either.

But I do think post 35 it does get much harder on the apps and irl. It's the same way when you're very senior in your career there's less opportunities for new jobs than when you're entry level. Everything takes longer and is harder as we age - people are more uncompromising and risk averse. More people are couples up. But it's not impossible and does mean it won't happen.

Dating has always been difficult, and it's only the apps that have us believe we can find someone quickly. If you think of how few people end up in careers they're passionate about or genuinely like, and how long it can take to get to a stage where you're even enjoying your job - why would relationships be different. Everyone thinks it should happen quickly but really what's 1,5, even 10 years being single in a lifetime of 80-90 years. More of an issue for women who want kids, but again, there's no guarantee in life that we could even physically have kids. We can want a lot of things and there's no promises we'll get them.

None of this means you can't be happy, it just means you evolve to adjust expectations of the bare minimum you need. And look to yourself for answers rather than blame it on men, dating etc. You can't change those things, only your reaction to it.

I think the only way to not hate dating or get jaded is to accept that it takes as long as it takes. And as frustrating as it can get, other than putting yourself out there, going on dates, thinking through your expectations and enjoying people rather than always assessing them - nothing else you can do. But self reflection is important too, the same way you'd do it if you were struggling with work or your hobby - and it's important to be really honest with yourself about your vulnerabilities and flaws too.

Many people focus so much on their own checklist they forget to consider whether they meet the criteria on the other person's checklist... and sometimes you need to adjust your checklist if all the men you want don't want you because it means you haven't really understood what they're looking for OR it's a type that will never be compatible with you.

*Doesn't mean it won't happen!!!

I agree with many of your points in particular dating getting more difficult past 35 in my experience.

I've written before on MN how for me dating between the ages of 36-38/39 was the most harrowing experience of my life due to the added pressure of wanting to have a child/ren. Even though I had two nice men and had a relationship with both they didn't progress further as the pressure to escalate the relationships was too much for me and them. Had I not wanted children, I think one of the relationships had a genuine potential to last. This was 4 years ago now and before OLD, I'd only met men IRL. I've since go on to have a child on my own using a sperm donation and haven't been dating. Not sure I could face it again.

I believe dating and succeeding is largely down to timing and luck and meeting someone who wants the same things as you in that moment whether immediately or in the near future. It's hard enough to meet someone you fancy, and them you let alone all these other elements that are required for a relationship to work. Also, many people 'compromise' in order to have a family (anecdotal observations) as it is a time sensitive 'milestone'.

No real advice to the OP and other posters other than enjoying life as much as possible and trying to be more relaxed about meeting someone romantically, which many people are already doing.

This is exactly the same shitty experience I'm having. Very few matches, single word replies or those clearly out to stimulate themselves!

I agree with much of this.

I know four people who are online dating and they are all experiencing the same problem.

One is my 23 year old son. He's talked to a lot of women a similar age to him who still live at home, not working or in education who are living in what he describes as 'extended teenage years'. He said many of them describe their interests as watching TV, eating and sleeping, gaming and online shopping (basically - they never leave the house) which isn't of any interest to him. He said he realised the interesting people are out there actually living their lives and he'd rather meet one of them. So he came off the apps.

One is a gay woman who says most of the women she meets are looking for someone to bank roll them and have a lot of 'issues'. She's also a massive people pleaser and goes overboard which is catnip to damaged women and puts those with healthy boundaries and self esteem off. Fortunately, she's also come off the apps.

A 43 year old woman whose bar is so low she thinks its 'cute' when a man's first contact is, "Hey, sexy" and sees breadcrumbing as a sign they're really interested. She laps up the slightest bit of attention and then experiences massive highs and lows which just knock her confidence. She responds positively to all the things most women on here complain about. She is one of the damaged people. Sadly.

And a 57 year old man who epitomises all the bad experiences of every woman who has ever online dated. He's actually a really good friend but finds it very difficult to connect with women he's attracted to. He rarely gets to a date, never to a second and often gets blocked long before that. He overshares and puts an awful lot of pressure on women to be 'the one'. He also comes across as someone who is looking for a girlfriend rather than hoping to meet someone he connects with. Their personality is almost unimportant as long as they look right. He doesn't understand what he is doing wrong.

I think back to he brief period when I did online dating and know that I wasn't in good place really. As soon as my self esteem and confidence improved, I sacked them off and would never go back. If rather be single.

My point is that, I personally don't know anyone who has online dated with any success in the last 8 years or do. It seems to me to be fill of desperate people desperately seeking something without any awareness of the role they play in it all.

And a few hopefuls who are dipping their toe in for the first time

I suspect the decent men find ssomeone pretty quickly.

I logged back into my old account about 3 years ago just to see and was met with lots of familiar faces - men who'd been doing it when I was first on it 7 years previously. Same photos and profiles 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think dating is 'broken' as it's not a phenomenon, just an activity you do to get to a relationship. It's a different experience for everyone. It's like saying the job market is broken because I personally can't find a job and I knew a few dozen people (in a world of billions who are employed) who can't find a job either

Exactly. There's always been a high failure rate. You can't go on them for 5 minutes, then come back for 5 minutes a few months later, and declare some universal change has taken place because it seems worse now, to you and a few of your mates.

Men I know who've used it complain that it's very hard to get women to respond and the ones that do are often just looking for IG followers, a bit of attention, or just have that many options that they end up ghosted.

The women I know generally complain about the poor quality of men on there and most of the dateable men are just players and have all the choice.

@pixie5121

It's not complicated for those who want something tangible I think. The women I've come across who were determined to find a husband and have children really didn't spend that long on the apps, not years that's for sure. They took a chance on someone they 'liked' who was at least at the outset singing from the same hymn sheet. Nobody was really chasing fanny flutters or the spark but both parties appeared to have had a pragmatic approach to finding a relationship and have found happiness in that and I guess with each other to an extent.

I agree, there used to be a wider range of people using dating apps, now I go on there and it seems to be one (maybe 2 )types of people, very occasionally I come across someone who ticks my boxes, often they live too far away or they just don’t reply to my messages. I had a lovely message from a guy a few days ago but he lives 300+ miles away.

I had a look on tinder last night and it was mainly guys looking for ‘discreet fun’ or a plus 1 for their relationship 😬.

I think I just need to try and get out more but it’s hard when most my friends are male (when I’m out with them people assume we are a couple).

With my last partner, I basically had to swallow my pride and throw myself at him to see if he was interested

Why couldn't you just ask him out?

See, I’m not sure about throwing myself at anyone, I’m not sure I’m brave enough and I’m scared of the rejection. I went on a date with someone a few weeks ago, we exchanged a few messages afterwards and I then nothing since, do I message him and ‘throw myself at him’ 🤣, I guess the worst that can happen is he says ‘no’ or doesn’t reply but then I will feel like an idiot, but then again maybe he’s thinking the same? Dating just seems like lots of game playing and overthinking.

th Dating just seems like lots of game playing and overthinking

A-ha! There's the issue. When you find compatible people, there is no game playing or overthinking. If you feel those things occurring, retreat. Keep meeting new people by keeping on doing new things. You can't avoid meeting people, they're bloody everywhere. At some point, you'll come across someone you think is rather nice, who doesn't trigger any game playing or overthinking stuff within you. That's your man.

It's always been the same, and it's always been hard. You can watch TV dramas set in the 19th century, and you'll find women saying 'Why are men all such brutes?!' There have always been game players and people who make you feel you have to overthink. Avoid them.

Well I'm 46 and finding it horrendous. This is my own 'personal' experience here! The better looking the guy (around my age), the more of an a-hole he seems to be. The quality of chat from 99% of the men I've matched with has been utterly appalling. They can barely hold a conversation and make very little effort. I have no clue what they are even doing on there. Surely to get a date you have to make some effort at least? I get unmatched constantly for no reason or they don't bother to chat at all. I've only persevered because I keep trying to convince myself there must be some genuine guys on there but I've yet to meet one. I've currently gone from 5 matches to 1. The first one made zero effort with the chat so I unmatched him. The second's first message was to give me his number and ask me to whatsapp him. The third made the bare minimum of effort to chat. The fourth unmatched me because, I assume, I didn't respond quick enough. i will be deleting the apps again very soon and trying to get out more in real life.

I think the sad reality is a lot of men on the apps appear to want easy access to regular sex and havo no intention of pursuing an actual relationship. They make the minimum amount of effort to get the woman to leave her house so they're one step closer to getting laid. Women still control access to sex. It's all very disappointing.

If they’re good looking they know they don’t need to try. They’ll be inundated with offers anyway so they can afford to be choosy. OLD man amplifies this because it’s so visual based, especially on apps like Tinder. And if they get a lot of attention just based on looks they might never have been bothered to develop their conversation skills.

Now I’m not saying all good looking people are like this - I vividly remember almost being annoyed when a devastatingly handsome person who had people throwing themselves at them turned out to be really lovely and decent and just wanted someone to truly love - but I guess if your a guy in your forties who’s that handsome and you’re still single, and always have been, there’s a chance the reason you are is because you can be that kid in a sweet shop and/or become super picky because you’re spoilt for choice.