Escorts and drugs

[suchasadcliche]

I'm fucking heartbroken. Found dozens of messages to escorts on my husbands phone today. Literally dozens. He's had one in our house whilst my children were asleep upstairs. He's admitted shagging one of them - obviously he will have been with many more, probably going back years. Calling them to bring coke with them.

My youngest isn't even 2.

He's crying now begging me to forgive him. Apparently he just needed to hit rock bottom and this is his rock bottom. What a fucking twat. I told him to leave but he hasn't got anywhere to go so is on the sofa thinking we will see day by day.

He's contrite at the moment, when he's not snivelling. No doubt the anger will start tomorrow.

Anyhow, I'm starting this thread because I need to be strong and not let him weasel his way back into my life.

I think XH might have changed (after spending almost as much on counselling as he did on prostitutes) but I don't trust it to last and I would never trust him. He was devastated, but I think that was just 'devastated to be found out' and I actually find it quite insulting when he's wanted to apologise - if he'd cared, he wouldn't have done it to me or the DCs for years in the first place. I wrote myself a list a couple of weeks after the split of all the things he'd done so I could remind myself in case he turned nice on me. It's been handy to know it's there at times, just so I didn't get lured back in.

That said, we get on OK and co-parent successfully (for the most part), and he has paid maintenance for the DCs. So it could be worse. I made sure I sorted things like that out while I was still furious.

I hope you're able to find a way through this. Given my DCs knew, I had to find a way to explain to them in an age appropriate way. The youngest still doesn't understand really (because he was a bit young) and he spent some time thinking the split was my fault.

Yes we have devastated to be found out here too. Thank you for sharing.

I think the majority of men are never really honest with their wives and families about what they get up to.

Because they know that we'd be repulsed by them. I can't believe women were called the weaker sex. I think we all know now that men are the ones who are weak.

Been thinking about you all today OP.

You will get through this.

My SO messaged them, but never met them. I genuinely believe he didn't actually want to meet them. For him, it was the thrill of it - the secrecy. He's a fantasist and an (ex) porn addict. Had he actually physically met one of them, I wouldn't have gave him a chance to repair the damage he's done.
I honestly don't know if you can get past him physically being with one of them. It's not only putting his health at risk, but yours and your kids too. I think that's more disrespectful than the cheating to be quite honest - having NO thought for his family whatsoever.
If you choose to stay, set hard boundaries. Whatever you feel comfortable with.
If you choose to leave, make sure he doesn't start lying about why you've left. I'd put him on blast to his family before he can have a chance to mitigate damage.

Oh my god it's so awful. I've managed to do some work today which is better than yesterday but the pain is visceral.

I’ve read your thread. Just wow.

He hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, far from it. Someone who does £2k per week on escorts and coke is someone who has serious compulsions and needs to be at narcotics anonymous at the very least as there are usually multiple addictions simultaneously.

Good luck to you OP. It’s refreshing to read of a successful woman who kept her career Gigi finger options and had no hesitation in kicking him out. Keep your head held high.

Who’s Gigi finger?!

should read *kept career to have options

Keep your head held high.

Perfect.

Yes it is visceral and deep physical pain. Don’t underestimate the shock to your body and nervous system. Proactively look to take care of yourself if you can by shoring yourself up with maximum self care alongside enlisting emotional support from and friends and professionals. These are the weeks and months in your life to protect yourself as much as you can. Don’t waste any of your precious and finite emotional energy, time or headspace on the character that inflicted this pain on you and your children. Emotionally detach from him in your head as much as you can.

How are feeling at the end of this tumultuous week @suchasadcliche?

Have you any calm, peaceful and comforting plans?

It's just feels worse and worse. I had a panic attack earlier. For reasons I can't go into here I'm having to see quite a lot of him, more than I would chose too.

Please see your GP. Panic attacks are frightening but they can be managed through meditation in time. Right now, some medication can take the worst symptoms away.

Don't even think about selling your house for now. You have children and any sale can be postponed until they are 18. He won't walk away with 50%. Please see a solicitor too. They can relieve some of the pressure and highlight priorities for you to consider in these early weeks.

Take care, you are stronger than you know.

I’m sorry to hear that, it sounds very stressful. Do you have good RL support from friends or family?

He actually said to me that if the boot was on the other foot he would just have to suck it up.

Sure he would have.

(Even if he did, it would only be because it gave him scope to act like that himself).

But it's absolute bollocks anyway, if a woman behaved the way men like this did, she 'd be called every name under the sun and her fitness as a mother would be heavily questioned too.

I've got some great friends that are desperate to help and that has been some comfort in all this. I haven't even told my best friend yet though )she lives abroad) as it's all so fucking shameful and I'm a mess emotionally I can't even think straight. We've got something major going on at the moment on top of all of this that means he has to be around a bit (he's not living here though) and I can't just completely cut contact. I know that is talking in riddles and some would say that is just what you have to do but some things are so complicated.

I was an only child and would do anything for a hug from my mum and dad. They were both solid emotionally stable people full of practical help and endless love. I've told my in laws but apart from being horrified they are send flowers sort of people rather than provide any emotional or practical help so as far as family goes I'm very much on my own. I think that is why we had such a big family. I'm pretty shocked they haven't even come to see my husband (or their grandchildren for that matter) since this all blew up. They are both still young (mid 60's), can drive and are retired but at least I know they don't really care at all now.

He's joined cocaine anonymous

Please tell your best friend, the shame is all on him, not you!!!

How are you op x

Shit. Confused. Heartbroken. He's joined cocaine anonymous and is evangelical about his "recovery" from his "illness". I'm in therapy. My therapist thinks he's totally nuts (she didn't say that but it was pretty obvious - we all had a session together).

My teenage daughter is cutting herself with a compass and not eating. It's a shit show.

I just wanted to say that a close friend of mine went through something similar a few years ago (her husband was addicted to cocaine and having affairs and it all came out suddenly when she saw messages from online dating on his phone).

Long story short, she chucked him out and they got divorced. He actually went through rehab and got sober and is now a good Dad to the kids and they get on ok, go to family events together etc. even though she will never be able to forgive the infidelity. They have all been through hell (one kid was self harming and needing help for that), but they did get through it and things are better for them all now.

One positive that I want you to know is that they didn’t split the house and money 50/50. He was the main earner as she changed careers when the kids were little, but the solicitor and the mediator for the financial settlement stressed that the main thing is that the kids are supported.

The divorce agreement said she could stay in the family home until the kids were all settled at secondary school and then they sold the house, with her getting 70% of the asset to re-house the kids. She gets the higher percentage because her earning potential is lower (from career gap to look after kids) and they live with her as their primary home. She also gets monthly payments to support the kids until they are 21.

He initially moved to a rented flat not far away, but then when the house was sold they both bought flats.

Gigi Finger is probably one of his escorts.

Thought of you @suchasadcliche and hope you’re ok x

@suchasadcliche How are your DCs doing?

How are you op x