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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Escorts and drugs

129 replies

suchasadcliche · 08/05/2022 23:58

I'm fucking heartbroken. Found dozens of messages to escorts on my husbands phone today. Literally dozens. He's had one in our house whilst my children were asleep upstairs. He's admitted shagging one of them - obviously he will have been with many more, probably going back years. Calling them to bring coke with them.

My youngest isn't even 2.

He's crying now begging me to forgive him. Apparently he just needed to hit rock bottom and this is his rock bottom. What a fucking twat. I told him to leave but he hasn't got anywhere to go so is on the sofa thinking we will see day by day.

He's contrite at the moment, when he's not snivelling. No doubt the anger will start tomorrow.

Anyhow, I'm starting this thread because I need to be strong and not let him weasel his way back into my life.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 09/05/2022 10:44

So sorry op. How old are you dc? He needs to remove himself from the household.

Original poster
suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 10:44

Yes, we are relatively affluent. He's always been a liability with money though. I pay for everything, mortgage, utilities,car. Feel sick at the thought of having to sell my house and give him half the money.

Now I know why he never has any money.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/05/2022 10:47

Isn't it funny how they are only sorry when they get caught. They are not sorry whilst they are snorting coke or shagging prostitutes. It would make me physically sick to look at him.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 09/05/2022 10:53

Fucking hell!! I'm so sorry. Please don't let him back in your life. Imagine yourself a year from now. You'll be so much better off without him. If you let him back, you might be exactly back here in a year's time. Good luck!

MadeForThis · 09/05/2022 10:57

He clearly had no intention of stopping. He's just been caught.

Getting some evidence together is for your own sanity. He will deny and minimise to you and everyone else. You have screenshots so you know what happens. It's not for the divorce, it's so he can't gaslight you.

I'm sorry he's such a shit.

jeaux90 · 09/05/2022 11:02

Entitled prick has endangered your health.

He's only sorry because he got caught out.

I couldn't move on from this, divorce definitely.

I'm so sorry, I hope your life improves rapidly without him in it

Original poster
suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 11:07

I haven't even gone into the half of it here. I cannot believe I have wasted so much of my life on him. I can't believe my poor children have such a shit for a father. What kind of a loser shags a prostitute and then goes home and shags his wife. It makes me feel so depressed. So many men are doing it, he had literally dozens and dozens of messages from girls all local to us. Such a fucking awful breach of trust.

OP posts:
Original poster
suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 11:08

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/05/2022 10:47

Isn't it funny how they are only sorry when they get caught. They are not sorry whilst they are snorting coke or shagging prostitutes. It would make me physically sick to look at him.

Yes I feel physically sick to my core.

OP posts:
BlimBosh · 09/05/2022 11:12

OP, you will get through this. Remember all the shame is on him, not you.

Get him out of there today.

DFOD · 09/05/2022 11:43

You have no shame here.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Tell others to help you, to release you from any burden of keeping secrets or shame.

This is not an uncommon situation - I have two close friends this has happened to and no doubt others who are experiencing it unaware.

Prioritise your own emotional support first - can you seek professional therapy to keep you as balanced and coping as possible through this terrible phase.

jeaux90 · 09/05/2022 12:07

Don't feel shame, hold your head up especially for you and your children that you expect more from a relationship.

Having decent standards for yourself is a good thing. He brought the bar down so low a gnat's arse couldn't get under it.

Original poster
suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 12:08

DFOD · 09/05/2022 11:43

You have no shame here.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Tell others to help you, to release you from any burden of keeping secrets or shame.

This is not an uncommon situation - I have two close friends this has happened to and no doubt others who are experiencing it unaware.

Prioritise your own emotional support first - can you seek professional therapy to keep you as balanced and coping as possible through this terrible phase.

Thanks for this. It is true of course. Interestingly not one of his friends I messaged when I first found out has even replied. Suspect the lot of them are dirty bastards with something to hide. My husband always used to tell me stuff that others had been up to, mainly strip clubs etc and the odd affair but now having to deal with the realisation that he was probably there too and worse. What a wanker.

I've just filled in my divorce application on line. It's so expensive.

I feel so very crushed and broken. How am I meant to be strong for my children when I literally can't do anything.

OP posts:
YRGAM · 09/05/2022 12:12

I'm so sorry. Please try to eat something, even if it's a tiny bit of bread or even a glass of milk

Crikeyalmighty · 09/05/2022 12:19

He's an absolute arsehole OP and sadly there are lots of them about pretending to be nice family guys etc. I'm afraid I simply don't trust men anymore and that includes ones close to me- it's very sad I feel this way at 60 , but i do not have 1 friend who hasn't had some kind of underhand sleaze going on in their life at some point that they were totally blindsided on . It's an epidemic, because it's been made so easy. You are doing all the right things- however terrible you feel- this is all on him- I actually drank slimfast and stuff when I felt unable to eat/drink as it's easy to get down and with vitamins.

Original poster
suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 12:29

And I was totally unaware. I would have sworn blind for all of his faults (and there are loads) that he was completely loyal to me. I feel like such an idiot.

His story (that makes me feel really fucking sick and in no way makes it any better at all) is that it was all a fantasy about me. His phone is literally full of naked pictures of me some of them taken when I was asleep. I married a stranger it would seem.

OP posts:
courtrai · 09/05/2022 12:34

Please say he's agreed to leave. Be aware he's likely to try emotional blackmail such as threats of suicide etc, before turning to anger. Make sure yourself and children are as protected as possible.

No judgement here - there but for the grace of god go all of us

totallyoutnumbered · 09/05/2022 12:39

courtrai · 09/05/2022 08:58

I'm so sorry - this is absolutely horrendous

First of transfer as much money as you need out of joint funds into your own. Then I'd arrange for a locksmith to change all locks. Get someone there to support you and bag up his personal effects, I'd suggest a member of family (ideally male). He absolutely must leave. Personally I'd threaten to tell absolutely everyone if he doesn't. Further than that I would not engage in any conversation with the man

After that contact solicitor for advice but first you need to get rid of him to give yourself some breathing space

Totally agree with this. Get him out and tell him you'll not hesitate to contact the police if he doesn't go quietly. I hope you have friends around you for support. I'm sure you're in shock. Try to eat little meals if you cannot keep your energy levels. If you work, consider telling your manager. Not suggesting that you take time off as you may order to have the distraction and routine but just so that they're aware you're in a crisis situation. I feel horrendous for you so can only imagine just how you're feeling right now. What a vile scumbag

catscatscatseverywhere · 09/05/2022 13:17

"His story (that makes me feel really fucking sick and in no way makes it any better at all) is that it was all a fantasy about me. His phone is literally full of naked pictures of me some of them taken when I was asleep. I married a stranger it would seem."

Jesus Christ. You poor thing. No mercy for him. I would help you kill him if I could.

Minoloso · 09/05/2022 13:28

If he’s taken nude photo’s of you when you are asleep I would call the police and have him prosecuted. You may find (but I don’t know) that you don’t have to sell your house to give him half. Get onto a solicitor straight away & get some advice!

thestraitofillinois · 09/05/2022 13:34

@suchasadcliche so sorry you're having to experience this. Know that you are not alone. Please stay strong, it's going to be very difficult for you as you'll experience the roller coaster emotions for some time to come I would imagine.

Sorry that you've not received much response from reaching out to his associates. You could well be right in that a lot of them are up to the same things. Also, experience has shown me that people don't know what to say or do, so they go silent. They think it's none of their business when - in reality - this is a societal problem that everybody should be addressing.

The trouble is, unless you've been in your situation, I doubt many people would be able to truly understand how it feels to you, nor are they able to recognise that this problem spreads like a spider's web into all sorts of other aspects of life.

Keep posting, especially during those times you feel like staying with him.

Double3xposure · 09/05/2022 13:42

I’ve been there and I’m so sorry. Here’s my advice

  1. Get him to leave the house today by whatever means you can. Perhaps tell him that otherwise you will go to the police because taking nude photos of you without your consent is a crime. Where he goes is not your problem.
  2. Stop talking to him by phone or test. Only email about arrangements for him to see the children, they want to, and NOT at your house.
  3. Stop engaging with anyone who is not 100% on your side . That includes all of his family and friends. Even the nice ones .
  4. get a counsellor
  5. get a solicitor
  6. get all you support people( family friends colleagues ) around you and tell them the basics. It’s not your shame and sadly you are not the first women this has happened to. When I told some people I expected them to be shocked and they all said “ Yeah that happened to my sister / best mate “.
  7. copy all important documents
  8. take 75% of the money out of all joint accounts (for you and the 2 kids ) and transfer to a different bank. If he complains tell him that you will give him some back if your solicitor tells you to.
  9. Try not to worry about the house until you know how much is in his pension.
totallyoutnumbered · 09/05/2022 14:03

catscatscatseverywhere · 09/05/2022 13:17

"His story (that makes me feel really fucking sick and in no way makes it any better at all) is that it was all a fantasy about me. His phone is literally full of naked pictures of me some of them taken when I was asleep. I married a stranger it would seem."

Jesus Christ. You poor thing. No mercy for him. I would help you kill him if I could.

Note vaguely shocked by your last sentence. My best friend went through similar and I said the same to her. I wouldn't do time for him no chance but if I could get away with it, sure. He was a fckng monster. He's lost everything so that's been the best revenge and she's living a happy and healthy life with her children but these men push you to think the most awful things. It's an instinct to protect those you love. planned it all in my head several times

DFOD · 09/05/2022 14:12

suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 12:08

Thanks for this. It is true of course. Interestingly not one of his friends I messaged when I first found out has even replied. Suspect the lot of them are dirty bastards with something to hide. My husband always used to tell me stuff that others had been up to, mainly strip clubs etc and the odd affair but now having to deal with the realisation that he was probably there too and worse. What a wanker.

I've just filled in my divorce application on line. It's so expensive.

I feel so very crushed and broken. How am I meant to be strong for my children when I literally can't do anything.

Show quote history

You are strong and you have done loads of the most important things already - told him to go, told his friends and family, applied for a divorce.

Well done.

You will be shocked, exhausted and angry and none of that is going away anytime soon - so please rest, pace yourself, seek calm and comfort and balance in a strong support network so that you can do the best for you and your DC.

With trauma and disruptive events in life it’s HOW calmly they are handled which will determine the long term impact on your DC emotional security. Seek whatever support you need to enable you to be dignified and reassuring in front of your DCs. When then are not in earshot you should let rip.

Look through @Double3xposure brilliant advice and slowly get through it.

Kris02 · 09/05/2022 14:17

Crikeyalmighty · 09/05/2022 12:19

He's an absolute arsehole OP and sadly there are lots of them about pretending to be nice family guys etc. I'm afraid I simply don't trust men anymore and that includes ones close to me- it's very sad I feel this way at 60 , but i do not have 1 friend who hasn't had some kind of underhand sleaze going on in their life at some point that they were totally blindsided on . It's an epidemic, because it's been made so easy. You are doing all the right things- however terrible you feel- this is all on him- I actually drank slimfast and stuff when I felt unable to eat/drink as it's easy to get down and with vitamins.

This is so true. If it's any consolation OP, the majority of men have probably done something seedy. It's just SO easy. You can view the photos of 100 local escorts while laying in bed. I know one woman (pregnant and about to marry) whose partner has been arrested for talking to underage girls online, and another whose husband was caught viewing indecent images of children.

My point is you're not alone. When you consider that those are just the ones who get caught, it makes you wonder how many more men are booking escorts, sending indecent images to 14-year-olds, downloading pornographic images of children, etc, and getting away with it!! I bet there are women who've read your post and thought "god, my husband would never do that..." and, well, how little they know. I read somewhere that one in eight men have visited a sex worker – and that's just the ones who've been honest. No doubt it's more like one in four.

DFOD · 09/05/2022 14:21

suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 12:29

And I was totally unaware. I would have sworn blind for all of his faults (and there are loads) that he was completely loyal to me. I feel like such an idiot.

His story (that makes me feel really fucking sick and in no way makes it any better at all) is that it was all a fantasy about me. His phone is literally full of naked pictures of me some of them taken when I was asleep. I married a stranger it would seem.

He’s a rotten deceptive ugly cheating addict.

Don't expose yourself to one more word out of his mouth because it will be more self serving deception that will ultimately hurt you.

Take yourself out of punching distance. Block all communication.

He can email you only for child access arrangements.

All emails diverted to a folder.

They get read once a week on x day, after being screened by a friend for any abuse or irrelevant nonsense.

You will reply with 48hrs.

Tell him this.

You have so much to do now to recover from this in order to steady your DC - he doesn’t get to distract, hurt, derail or preoccupy your headspace from this mission.

Get it all out in public. Get emotional support - this is the time in your life where you need loyal friends and professional support (emotional, legal etc).

I am sorry this has happened to you but once you stop reverberating (and you need him effectively NC to achieve this) you will in time be back in your feet and lighter and stronger than you realised having shed this parasite. Take care.