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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Escorts and drugs

129 replies

suchasadcliche · 08/05/2022 23:58

I'm fucking heartbroken. Found dozens of messages to escorts on my husbands phone today. Literally dozens. He's had one in our house whilst my children were asleep upstairs. He's admitted shagging one of them - obviously he will have been with many more, probably going back years. Calling them to bring coke with them.

My youngest isn't even 2.

He's crying now begging me to forgive him. Apparently he just needed to hit rock bottom and this is his rock bottom. What a fucking twat. I told him to leave but he hasn't got anywhere to go so is on the sofa thinking we will see day by day.

He's contrite at the moment, when he's not snivelling. No doubt the anger will start tomorrow.

Anyhow, I'm starting this thread because I need to be strong and not let him weasel his way back into my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 14:56

He has no pension. I do. He has no assets, I do. We jointly own the house but he has barely ever paid anything towards it. Ive enabled him I can see that clearly now. He has a business. It's barely solvent and I have propped it up financially, he owes me ££££.

No joint account. I always knew that would be a bad idea with him.

OP posts:
worriedaboutmoney2022 · 09/05/2022 19:30

Just get rid of him he sounds vile you don't deserve this pack his stuff and make him go and keep a nice hone for your children.

Do you own or rent?

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 09/05/2022 19:32

Sorry just read you jointly own the house get to a solicitor tomorrow he's vile I cannot believe he brought these women to the house and asked them to bring drugs into your family home
I'd phone your social services department they will help
You get
Him out he's a safeguarding risk

Original poster
suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 19:45

@Kris02 sadly it is a comfort. What tossers some men are. He's admitting he's a drug addict and promising to get help. He contacted some drugs centre today. I'm glad of that as ultimately he is my children's father. It's too late for me though. I would have forgiven anything but this. I told my sons teacher today and ended up snivelling in the playground. He looked so sad coming out I knew I had to say something.

He's currently full of the fact he was infatuated with me and he was searching for one like me. It helps when he says shit like that as I lose even more respect for him. I texted him earlier than he was a trafficked whore fucker and a rapist. Which he is of coursethese bloody girls all have pimps.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/05/2022 19:48

He's currently full of the fact he was infatuated with me and he was searching for one like me.

Jesus Christ, the fact he thinks this is flattering when it's even more terrifying shows how deeply misogynist man is.

You poor thing, I wish I could give you a hug.

I'm so pleased you sound resolute about not taking him back.

Flowers
I0NA · 09/05/2022 20:40

@youvegottenminuteslynn YY there must be a website where they can read up on The Most Pathetic Excuses ever.

I think that next excuses will be

addiction
mental illness
he was abused as a child

I assume he’s already been through the Level 1 excuses of

I was scared to love you because you are too good for me.
I felt insecure because of what you did / didn’t do and these women I was abusing boosted my self esteem.
You destroyed my masculinity by earning more than me.

and that old classic

Its because my ex cheated on me.

I0NA · 09/05/2022 20:41

Sorry I know we’ve already had drug addiction , I meant addiction to abusing trafficked and coerced women.

Original poster
suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 22:16

Oh we are already crying about drug addiction and promising to get help. Meanwhile I get to pick up the pieces of my life and try and patch my poor children together.

I might sound like I'm strong. In actual fact I'm feeling so weak and just want to say it will be all right again. But I look at him and can't forget what he has done. He's literally spent our money on fucking skanky whores. Women that will take it up the arse for another £50 (I've seen the price list) from some man they don't even know who is high on drugs. Like seriously what was he thinking. What kind of man would even want to do that. He wasn't thinking about me or our children. I get to take an sti test and stay at home looking after my family whilst he's probably in the pub crying to his mates about how he's fucked it.

OP posts:
courtrai · 09/05/2022 22:51

suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 22:16

Oh we are already crying about drug addiction and promising to get help. Meanwhile I get to pick up the pieces of my life and try and patch my poor children together.

I might sound like I'm strong. In actual fact I'm feeling so weak and just want to say it will be all right again. But I look at him and can't forget what he has done. He's literally spent our money on fucking skanky whores. Women that will take it up the arse for another £50 (I've seen the price list) from some man they don't even know who is high on drugs. Like seriously what was he thinking. What kind of man would even want to do that. He wasn't thinking about me or our children. I get to take an sti test and stay at home looking after my family whilst he's probably in the pub crying to his mates about how he's fucked it.

Please don't even think saying it's alright is an option. You seem like a highly intelligent woman who is worth so SO much more than this. It can't ever be alright again and the ramifications will never go away. Take the impetus now and run with it.

Original poster
suchasadcliche · 10/05/2022 04:38

He made a big song and dance about putting location services on so I would know where he was and that he was going to change if nothing for me for the kids. Guess what. He's turned it off.

OP posts:
Original poster
suchasadcliche · 10/05/2022 05:15

I've been searching through his emails. The first I found was literally a month after our last baby was born to a dominatrix. Referred by his friend mark. Literally feel sick.

OP posts:
Hop27 · 10/05/2022 05:21

Is he out of the house yet OP?

EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter · 10/05/2022 05:21

It’s tearing you apart having his pathetic arse in the house. Sounds like cash isn’t a huge issue - could you book him into a shite travelodge for a fortnight and pay for him to fuck off?

miraveile · 10/05/2022 05:25

Why should she book him into a hotel? Turf him out on the bloody street, he has a
mother, why can't he stay with her .it's not your problem OP that he has nowhere to go. If he's got money for his "activities" he's got money to put a roof over this own head

cigarettesNalcohol · 10/05/2022 05:31

suchasadcliche · 09/05/2022 10:44

Yes, we are relatively affluent. He's always been a liability with money though. I pay for everything, mortgage, utilities,car. Feel sick at the thought of having to sell my house and give him half the money.

Now I know why he never has any money.

Lol. No wonder he's crying on the sofa. He's just 'sad' his cushy life having everything paid for will come to an end.

scaredorganicyoghurt · 10/05/2022 05:33

God I'm so sorry, what an awful fucking situation to be in. Obviously, as everyone has said, he is an arsehole of the biggest degree.

I know you mentioned it upthread briefly, but really do stop to consider what his views on women are. Prostituted women are raped daily by men like your husband, and "take it up the arse for another 50" because they have been so groomed and beaten down and abused, and often have been trafficked. Not only did your husband disrespect you by cheating on you and exposing you to multiple diseases, he specifically chose the most vulnerable group of women he could to abuse. Not only is your husband a cheating fuck, but he is also a rapist, and did that to a young woman in your home.

His friends all share that same disgusting attitude about women as well, and I wouldn't let my children near a single one of them, or any of their wives who defend their behaviour.

So many men hate women, and I'm so so sorry that you've found that yours is one of them. He has shown you what he thinks of all women including you. He took nude photos of you while you were asleep.

You're going to get through this and come out stronger, although it will feel like it's breaking you in the process. Getting angry yourself is going to give you energy and power. Speaking with a solicitor and getting him the fuck out of your house will be empowering first steps. When you are slightly less all over the place start reading feminism books that will also stoke the fire in your heart to not let that absolute bastard to break you any further. Good luck and sending you lots of love and strength.

Snowraingain · 10/05/2022 05:46

I’m so sorry op. A very similar thing happened to a friend of mine. Five years on and she is thriving, her kids are happy and she has a lovely life.

NorthernPlights · 10/05/2022 06:02

Do you know Mark's partner? I would be making sure she knows about this so that she can make her own decisions on who she shares her life with.

So sorry for everything you are going through, OP. What an absolute degenrate he is.

Caaarrrl · 10/05/2022 06:51

Stay strong. He does not deserve you. I know it see.s an impossible feat at the moment, but you will be happier on your own than with this scumbag.

DFOD · 10/05/2022 07:12

suchasadcliche · 10/05/2022 05:15

I've been searching through his emails. The first I found was literally a month after our last baby was born to a dominatrix. Referred by his friend mark. Literally feel sick.

Having been very close to two friends who have been through this I would advise that you don’t go searching for anymore evidence. The reason being because it with hurt and haunt you for a very long time and there will be more of it and it will be more gross than you can ever imagine.

You will not be able to unsee it and the trauma and intrusive thoughts will destabilise you and in turn your ability to keep a calm and peaceful home for your DCs.

Please just know that it is as bad as it gets and step away. He needs blocking from your life. Minimal / zero exposure to protect your sanity.

You will not have to give him 50% of the family home if you have 5 DC to house and he has limited income.

You say you are an only child with no parents alive - are any assets due to inheritance as this may well be protected.

Invest in quality legal support as it will save you £££ in the long run and give you clarity and strategic assurance as to future negotiations.

Get ahead of him legally by being emotionally stable - if he is so addicted and unstable he might not have the band width to fight you legally. Let his parents pick up the pieces - are they going to allow their 5 grandchildren to be thrown from their home? But know that they will not be on YOUR side.

Get him out. Go NC. Stop looking at emails and his actions then and now. It’s done you need to preserve your finite energy, time and headspace for you and your DC - don’t piss any of it away on him or allow him to trigger you.

chosenone · 10/05/2022 07:15

Not another fucking one!

It is really becoming a common story! What a selfish entitled waste of space.

Now is time to show you and the kids that you can be a decent person. Get Solicitors advice asap. You will be able to keep the family home until the youngest is 18! You can prove adultery so he can hopefully get Jack shit off you as he has severely broken the contract.

Don't entertain his bullahit anymore. Just say you're not interested in any excuses or reasons. You don't love him.anynote and are looking forward to moving on without him and goodbye. When he is out of sight, cry, scream and vent on here. Protect your money and assets asap as he will turn nasty after the cry baby shit hasn't worked.
You will get through this ❤

NorthernPlights · 10/05/2022 07:40

Such a good post by DFOD.

OurChristmasMiracle · 10/05/2022 07:58

I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

he will use every single excuse in the book- this is all on him and not you so you have nothing to be ashamed of, the shame is his and his alone. He will get angry at some point that you aren’t forgiving him.

I am glad to see you are getting a STI check but I would also be very concerned as to whether he has shared your naked pictures- if he is frequenting these types of websites he may have been tempted to share them especially if he is addicted to cocaine/sex and has run out of money. Im so sorry to have to add this but I would need them photos deleted immediately
and destroyed.

please speak with a solicitor asap and I hope you are getting support.

Original poster
suchasadcliche · 10/05/2022 08:08

Pleased to report he's been engaging with rent boys too.

OP posts:
Manxiety · 10/05/2022 08:14

Do take advice OP. You are - quite rightly - raging at the moment but that's probably not the best time to make these big decisions. If you divorce, will he end up with half of your assets? The house? Your pension? Perhaps park this latest revelation and use as force to get him to move out and give you some head space. There's no rush to divorce if it means you & your children will suffer more from upheaval. This is a piece of information he won't want his F&F to know, surely? This is truly awful. Be kind to yourself. This is not your bad!