Escorts and drugs

[suchasadcliche]

I'm fucking heartbroken. Found dozens of messages to escorts on my husbands phone today. Literally dozens. He's had one in our house whilst my children were asleep upstairs. He's admitted shagging one of them - obviously he will have been with many more, probably going back years. Calling them to bring coke with them.

My youngest isn't even 2.

He's crying now begging me to forgive him. Apparently he just needed to hit rock bottom and this is his rock bottom. What a fucking twat. I told him to leave but he hasn't got anywhere to go so is on the sofa thinking we will see day by day.

He's contrite at the moment, when he's not snivelling. No doubt the anger will start tomorrow.

Anyhow, I'm starting this thread because I need to be strong and not let him weasel his way back into my life.

I am sorry OP.
Please get some legal advice and make your decisions in strength and wisdom. You already have so much of both.
What are rent boys?

Good lord. The more I read the more I dislike men. So bloody common. I've experienced parts of this albeit spread across different partners. Joy.

I'm so sorry. You are strong and worth more than this piece of absolute shit.

Cocklodger. Abuser. Absolute scum of the earth. Take him and expose him for what he is.

Hugs xx

He's got to leave

Take him to the cleaners OP - he totally deserves it . He's just a dirty sleaze.

Omg OP!! Rent boys???!!! This just gets worse and worse! Kick him out now, he doesn’t deserve any time spent with you or the children!

I've kicked him out. He's a mess. For now. No doubt angry and aggressive will come next. There is no way back from this for me. I can't give him half of my / our money as he will just spend it on drugs and hookers. I don't trust him to be responsible to spend it on a home for our children. But from the reading I have done the starting point is he gets 50% of everything. I just can't let that happen. The children are devastated enough without losing their home and lifestyle. It seems he has got a raging raging coke problem and fucks anything when he's high. Ffs, what happened to my lovely husband?

And meanwhile I'm basically left to a life of being on my own. He's caused such pain to us all.

And for all the women thinking, "not my husband". I thought that too. He is very good looking, on the face of it successful (just spent all the money on whores) , looks after his appearance, charismatic and very good at putting up an appearance of being a great dad and husband. He was always feckless with money though.

I have fallen down a worm hole of looking at all this shit on the internet. There are literally 100's of these women within 2 miles of our house. Their pimps bring them in from different cities for 24 hours. If you look on their profiles all have dozens and dozens of reviews from punters. Middle class men seem to be the main target. I've found messages between dads at school and my husband passing on numbers. Nice, middle class professional family men that I wouldn't have thought it of either. Fucking awful.

Well done on booting him out. Make sure you change the locks for good measure and make it clear to the kids they are not to let him in. I'd install a camera doorbell for good measure.

Next steps

Contact police and get yourself added to priory responder list as you rightly say the next phase will be angry 'wronged' man. He can add a criminal record to his list of achievements too if he chooses

Then legal advice. My starting point for negotiations would be fuck all

He has committed a sex crime by taking nude photos of you asleep. You need to consider that he has likely shared them with his friends. These are two separate crimes and you should consider involving the police - it might be the wake up call or leverage you need to ensure he doesn’t turn nasty and vindictive which is the usual trajectory of slighted Coke heads.

www.newsandstar.co.uk/news/20113583.penrith-man-secretly-photographed-nude-sleeping-woman/

Been down that rabbit hole too. When you've seen it you cannot un-see it. The world I knew no longer exists, now that I've seen what goes on.

When I'm out sometimes I'll notice couples in their 50s and immediately wonder if the man has visited escorts.
Whenever I see a young, slim woman who looks eastern european, I wonder if she is one of the local EE escorts I've seen on the site my ex used to procure prostitutes. You are right - these young women are moved around the UK by their pimps as they pop up in Hampshire one week, Kent the next.

If it's obvious to us, why isn't it obvious to the men who book them. They are not independent prostitutes; they are held by gangs. They're even tattooed by their 'owners'.

When I visited a friend in a local area which is referred to on the escort site, I wondered which house is being used as a brothel.

When I discovered my ex had used prostitutes, it wasn't only our relationship and my family which was destroyed; it has also completely contaminated my thinking and my attitude to the world.

Prostitute-use is spirally out of control like a fast-growing cancer. Men are falling into the trap of thinking they're entitled to prostitute-sex because their contemporaries are doing it. It's becoming normalised. It is very sad.

How are you op x

Pretty awful. It's painful. And he's still my children's father and I'm worried about him too. What I am realising is that he is a drug addict and with that has come an awful dark side including the prostitution.

I've told some close friends but equally don't want what he has done to become common knowledge. My children don't need to bare that cross and I need to try and make them the priority in all of this.

The tougher you make it for him (kicked out, zero contact) the harder he will fall and IMHO the greater the shock and loss which may make him sort his shit out and seek help for his addiction.

His recovery is important for your DCs and IMHO any softening from you will inadvertently slow down or risk recovery.

He needs to feel that loss deep and hard. It might take a year for the penny to drop.

Do not fall into any trap or coercion by him or react to any of your own misguided feelings of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - that your love and support will help him recover.

Tough “love” is what’s needed here. He needs to land out in the cold absorbing the consequences of his actions and then when he reaches his rock he may (or may not) sort himself out - but that is his own journey.

Your DC have likely been exposed to more than enough harmful experiences (knowing their Dad is on Tinder…) - they are the priority now.

You need the evidence to prove that you aren't being unreasonable in asking him to leave . If you can't get him to go you need to think carefully about what to do as you and your children are at risk as a result of his selfish behaviour.I would call your local family support team at social services and get their help and advice. You say the anger will no doubt start tomorrow? Does he have a history of DV ?

@DFOD I really thank you for posting this as it has given me a very different perspective on things.

So so sorry for you op! And your family! You deserve so much better than this, yes hopefully his parents will come to your rescue and get him off the bloody sofa and out of the house, hopefully you have friends that can help you through this over time! I can’t even imagine how you feel love

How are you feeling today @suchasadcliche ?

@DFOD awful. Sick. I've got a headache that feels like it's stabbing my eye. We are having building work done and the builder just gave me a hug.

It is so very very painful, like a bereavement. I found my 7 year old sat downstairs on his own at 630 this morning. I hate him for the pain he has caused us all.

I'm so sorry to read this. I have no advise but wish I could give you and your children a hug. Men like your husband are pathetic, thinking with their dicks instead of their family :(

Try and just take it hour by hour and do what you feel needs to be done in that moment - the big stuff will take care of itself.

It sounds like you have done so much this week already - more than enough.

Can you concentrate on attending to and prioritising you own need for peace and calm now as you are in deep shock and rage and this has a loooooong way to play out. Pace yourself gently. What would you do for your best friend in this state of despair? Take whatever healthy action that helps you come back to balance when needed. The end game is acceptance - you have a lot to process before getting there. Take it easy.

I agree that you really need to look after yourself and take it hour by hour. I do get worrying about the mess he is in but leave him to reach out to people to support him. Not you. You focus on you and the DC.

Can you get signed off work? Remember to see a Solicitor asap, sadly they will have seen it all before.

Also, try not to soul search and give yourself time to absorb the shock! Your eyes are wide open to the world now and it can be grim.

I have a close friend who's 'DH' was like this. Endless work trips/golf trips that he would phone phone and gush about how much he missed the family and then 10 mins later he and his mates would be coked up and having group sex with some poor abused sex workers! He completely compartmentalised one life from the other, felt completely entitled. I just wish these men would be honest about their needs.

I've offered my DP (post divorce relationship) an Open relationship as IMO what's good for the goose is good for that gander! Plenty of women want no strings attached sex too. DP doesnt want to as he says he's too old for all that now! I dont think I'll ever 100% him as I've seen and heard too much, it's like an open secret that everyone (some men) collude with.
Anyway give yourself time to process and don't dwell on the ways and wherefore. Hes an addict who has put his addictions first.

Yes. Definitely to the open secret. I think many many men are doing this very occasionally (not to the extent of my husband though who was I think spending about £2k a week (money we didn't have) on cocaine and prostitutes, the cocaine often supplied by the prostitute - it's called a party bag). They just keep it a secret amongst themselves. They go to these sleazy strip joints together and once there it is only one short step on, by that stage they are already looking at women as a commodity.

Only one man (husband of a friend) has messaged me to say they are sorry about what we are going through. Lots know. I think there are a few that are worried about what is going to come out of the woodwork about them.

Mine is blaming the drug addiction, which I think is probably true but I could have forgiven the drugs and got him help. I can't forgive the betrayal.

I sorry to hear this, @suchasadcliche. A very similar thing happened to me six years ago (not sure about the drugs though - I think in our case it was just prostitutes). I had a couple of years of strong suspicion before I finally found out the truth and kicked him out. It is complete shit, but the DCs and I have come through it and I really hope you can too. I like my life, especially now I'm not stuck with a feckless, lying rapist. Good luck!

@MadeItThrough thank you for that. I need to hear stories from people that have made it through. What is your ex husband like now? Has he changed at all?