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Original poster

Is this too weird?

133 replies

Mam576 · 07/05/2022 12:30

A while ago I had a minor break in at home, detective (super hot) come the next day to take statement. He stayed for over an hour because my career also has involvement with police. So we chatted mainly about that, he’s been helping me via email with a few things. He was talking about his kids (he has 2) and I just thought he was a genuinely nice person, even though I felt really attracted to him I presumed he was probably on a relationship etc.

Anyway, this morning I am 95% sure I seen him on Tinder! Same name, really really looked like him (only seen him once in Dec!) but then I thought he has quite a senior job would he really be on Tinder?! I’m soooo tempted to email him now and say do you have private email address (I’ve just got his work one) and say hey did I see you on Tinder 😂

would that be really weird? I have his mobile number as has to send him WhatsApp messages of break in but I wouldn’t dare text him haha.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mam576 · 08/05/2022 13:59

*on

OP posts:
Original poster
Mam576 · 08/05/2022 14:00

@youvegottenminuteslynn I honestly don’t think he is being unprofessional as it is me who makes the contact, he’s not said one thing out of line, he’s just replied to my messages

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 14:01

Well he's not interested anyway then OP. Interesting you went against the vast majority of advice on here including those who pointed out it's against policy and could get him in trouble.

As I say I think it sounds like you have poor boundaries when it comes to relationships and that could be something to work on.

Original poster
Mam576 · 08/05/2022 14:04

@youvegottenminuteslynn I don’t understand how boundaries come into this?

OP posts:
mackthepony · 08/05/2022 14:05

Maybe he's senior to the op? All relative really.

Match him on Tinder, op.

YouDoYouHun · 08/05/2022 14:10

What actually happened is you swiped on tinder and then started this thread. So you ignored all the advice to swipe on tinder because you had done so already, but got no response so what you really wanted to know was should you pursue further and contact via message too. My betting is that it is his real tinder, he didn't want to match with you, isn't interested and he steering your WhatsApp conversation to be more professional reaffirms this. If the tinder profile wasn't him he would no doubt be wanting to have the fake account reported particularly as he is in a professional role, I know I would. Sorry op he's just not into you and you made yourself look a bit desperate by initiating interaction on two platforms. Profiles only appear on tinder if they have been recently active anyway.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 14:14

Mam576 · 08/05/2022 14:04

@youvegottenminuteslynn I don’t understand how boundaries come into this?

Because you struggled with the line between what is professional and what is personal originally then when it was explicitly explained to you that he is not allowed to pursue anything with you therefore messaging him to ask re tinder was pointless and wrong (and would actually get him in trouble at work if he's found to be chatting to you about stuff unrelated to your case which you say is closed) you ignored the professionals who literally work in this area for a living and did it anyway. Poor boundaries all round.

Original poster
Mam576 · 08/05/2022 14:24

Ok, my point though is I apologised for sending the message and he said it’s ok don’t worry, and I thought that was the end of that so I didn’t reply and an hour later he sent me another message saying I thought it was about….(the case) and made conversation

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 14:27

You messaged him when you were told it could cause disciplinary action for him at work. You did it anyway. Not cool.

He's not interested anyway (as you asked re his tinder profile and he said it wasn't him...) so probably best to leave him alone now eh?

Ogwen · 08/05/2022 14:31

Yes, obviously. That’s the problem.

Ogwen · 08/05/2022 14:31

Mam576 · 08/05/2022 14:04

@youvegottenminuteslynn I don’t understand how boundaries come into this?

Yes, obviously. That’s the problem.

CorsicaDreaming · 08/05/2022 14:36

@Mam576 - sounds to me like he's giving you much more time than he needs to ,so he is interested possibly...

I'd send him a WhatsApp saying something like,

"I'd like to have a quick chat with you about something that's not work related, is there a good time I could give you a ring, or possibly meet for a coffee?"

I expect he will get what you mean from that, but no professional lines are crossed. And no text / email trail on works phone.

Then if he's keen on something more than just work related he will come back and suggest meeting for coffee - if not, he'll somehow dodge it.

CorsicaDreaming · 08/05/2022 14:40

Basically he cannot make the first move as it would be really unprofessional, but he's keeping channels of communication open as much as he professionally can - so if you invite him and take it firmly outside work that would be fine in my book.

If you cannot meet people on the school run (a different thread) or via work connections, then where can you meet them. Tinder is just the Wild West as far as I'm concerned...

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 14:42

sounds to me like he's giving you much more time than he needs to ,so he is interested possibly...

If he was interested he had the perfect opportunity to say "I'm not on tinder but I'd have swiped right if I was" or something equally cheesy.

KosherDill · 08/05/2022 14:42

CorsicaDreaming · 08/05/2022 14:36

@Mam576 - sounds to me like he's giving you much more time than he needs to ,so he is interested possibly...

I'd send him a WhatsApp saying something like,

"I'd like to have a quick chat with you about something that's not work related, is there a good time I could give you a ring, or possibly meet for a coffee?"

I expect he will get what you mean from that, but no professional lines are crossed. And no text / email trail on works phone.

Then if he's keen on something more than just work related he will come back and suggest meeting for coffee - if not, he'll somehow dodge it.

This is excellent.

JaneGnR88 · 08/05/2022 14:44

Have we established that he’s single? I know he mentioned kids, and if it isn’t him on tinder it may be in a relationship?

I agree with @CorsicaDreaming just be blunt if your determined to carry on, which I think you are, otherwise there’s no point. Do I think it’s wise? No not really but I don’t think you care that much about peoples opinions…

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 15:01

CorsicaDreaming · 08/05/2022 14:40

Basically he cannot make the first move as it would be really unprofessional, but he's keeping channels of communication open as much as he professionally can - so if you invite him and take it firmly outside work that would be fine in my book.

If you cannot meet people on the school run (a different thread) or via work connections, then where can you meet them. Tinder is just the Wild West as far as I'm concerned...

It might be fine in your book but it isn't fine in actual policy within his job role.

GrimDamnFanjo · 08/05/2022 15:21

Leaving aside everything else, is this bloke actually single?
He's mentioned kids but not their mother?

CorsicaDreaming · 08/05/2022 15:25

Well if he's got kids and a relationship already and he's decent, he'll say something like "that's going to be quite tricky outside work as I'm so busy with the wife and kids, but happy to talk about your research further if we can find a time that fits round that."

Job role thing is interesting - given police shifts it must be incredibly difficult to ever meet anyone if someone you've met via work but completely concluded the case with is now out of bounds forever.
How do you ever meet anyone?
What happens if they happen to see each other in a pub 6 months down the line, and strike up a conversation?

I can see if it's a really sensitive domestic abuse case that it would cause real issues, and should be regs against it, but a fairly cut and dried break in doesn't seem that controversial to me?

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 15:28

Job role thing is interesting - given police shifts it must be incredibly difficult to ever meet anyone if someone you've met via work but completely concluded the case with is now out of bounds forever.

What a bizarre comment. Did you know the police get days off too?

Are you suggesting police should be allowed to shag victims and doctors should be allowed to shag patients? The whole point is that the people these professionals work with are generally vulnerable. It'd be too easy to use that vulnerability and abuse their trust/boundaries etc.

CorsicaDreaming · 08/05/2022 15:53

@girlmom21 - the OP clearly says it was a minor house break in in her first post - but don't let the facts get in the way of a good rant 🙄

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 15:56

Job role thing is interesting - given police shifts it must be incredibly difficult to ever meet anyone if someone you've met via work but completely concluded the case with is now out of bounds forever. How do you ever meet anyone?

You simply meet people outside of work hours, like plenty of people do, who haven't been a victim witness or perpetrator of a crime you've worked on.

It's not that difficult.

If someone said you couldn't ever date a colleague or client would you be saying "how will I ever meet anyone?!"

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 15:57

CorsicaDreaming · 08/05/2022 15:53

@girlmom21 - the OP clearly says it was a minor house break in in her first post - but don't let the facts get in the way of a good rant 🙄

But they can't pick and choose which victims of crimes they sleep with. Ultimately lots of victims of crimes will be vulnerable and they need a blanket policy.

You'll also actually be surprised by how many single women will warm to a policeman who makes her feel safe. Even a minor break in can make you feel very vulnerable, and if you know you've got a police officer who could protect you, you're likely to let your guard down.

Athleticpotential · 08/05/2022 16:03

I think this whole thing is likely to be nonsense.

He clearly has no qualms in inappropriate communication with crime victims. The Tinder profile is almost certainly him and he's married and can't afford to hook up with someone who might meet people he knows.

AverageJoan · 08/05/2022 16:04

OP, YABVU. It is completely inappropriate to message him on his personal number after he dealt with you in a professional capacity. If you thought it was him on Tinder you should've just swiped him and waited to see if there was a match. If this scenario was gender reversed it would be treated as sexual harassment.

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