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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this too weird?

133 replies

Mam576 · 07/05/2022 12:30

A while ago I had a minor break in at home, detective (super hot) come the next day to take statement. He stayed for over an hour because my career also has involvement with police. So we chatted mainly about that, he’s been helping me via email with a few things. He was talking about his kids (he has 2) and I just thought he was a genuinely nice person, even though I felt really attracted to him I presumed he was probably on a relationship etc.

Anyway, this morning I am 95% sure I seen him on Tinder! Same name, really really looked like him (only seen him once in Dec!) but then I thought he has quite a senior job would he really be on Tinder?! I’m soooo tempted to email him now and say do you have private email address (I’ve just got his work one) and say hey did I see you on Tinder 😂

would that be really weird? I have his mobile number as has to send him WhatsApp messages of break in but I wouldn’t dare text him haha.

OP posts:
KosherDill · 08/05/2022 12:07

DivorcedAndDelighted · 07/05/2022 14:45

You've got him on WhatsApp, so you could contact him there, definitely not via work email, and ask if he'd fancy a drink some time? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Personally I wouldn't worry at all about the fact that he was extra helpful re your break-in; he's human, presumably, not a robot, so if being friendly and not doing anything at all bad is "being unprofessional" then I'd say yes please to that.

This. Don't make it more complicated than it is.

Not sure why people are pearl-clutching at chit chat from a detective on duty; it's pretty standard information-gathering technique.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 12:13

Not sure why people are pearl-clutching at chit chat from a detective on duty; it's pretty standard information-gathering technique.

Sharing a personal phone number and whatsapping isn't standard information gathering, it's against policy and should be declared.

I’ve just checked his email signature to check, he’s ‘senior’ in relation to a unit that he heads

Plus the bloke is a bullshitter if he's the rank he says and claims to head up a unit.

JaneGnR88 · 08/05/2022 12:16

WhatsApp can be used on work phones as it’s easier to share photos of evidence. Personally I think OP is reading into this what. My advice would be match on tinder or let it die…

Original poster
Mam576 · 08/05/2022 12:35

I sent him a WhatsApp message (curiosity got the better of me despite all the advice) and he replied and continued to message me till 11:30 last night but was only strictly work related.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 12:36

Mam576 · 08/05/2022 12:35

I sent him a WhatsApp message (curiosity got the better of me despite all the advice) and he replied and continued to message me till 11:30 last night but was only strictly work related.

Why would you be talking about work if the case is closed?

It's inappropriate and he's proven to you he doesn't care about upholding professional standards.

Original poster
Mam576 · 08/05/2022 12:38

I’m in a related field and I’m conducting research and basically I need input from police, so it’s not related to the case

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 12:39

You said the case has closed now so surely that wouldn’t get him into trouble?

If the case was already closed before yesterday then what were you messaging about until 1130 last night?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 12:41

Mam576 · 08/05/2022 12:38

I’m in a related field and I’m conducting research and basically I need input from police, so it’s not related to the case

He absolutely should not be using his work phone to provide qualitative or quantitative data to help research of someone he met when interviewing them as the victim of a crime. And he shouldn't have given you his personal phone number without declaring it.

Either way, whether it's his work or personal phone, he's gone against policy.

You could have asked anyone in the police for your research. You could have asked someone in the most relevant field within the police.

You asked him because you fancy him.

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 12:43

Mam576 · 08/05/2022 12:38

I’m in a related field and I’m conducting research and basically I need input from police, so it’s not related to the case

One police officer you fancy doesn't = reliable data for research.

You're both being daft now.

Do your jobs properly.

BMWqueen · 08/05/2022 12:57

Omg what is wrong with people…. A Copper is allowed to be single and find love, date, talk, drink & shag who they want, they are only human

I’m excited for u OP let me know if you and him take it any further :) best of luck x

Blone · 08/05/2022 12:58

Are his two kids twins by any chance? Wink

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 13:08

BMWqueen · 08/05/2022 12:57

Omg what is wrong with people…. A Copper is allowed to be single and find love, date, talk, drink & shag who they want, they are only human

I’m excited for u OP let me know if you and him take it any further :) best of luck x

"What's wrong with people?" Well they're advising OP based on actual policy and procedure not 'you go girl!'

See above from someone in a relevant job:

I work in a police Professional Standards Dept. If you date him, he would definitely get sacked, and in public too as our hearings are open to the public. Please leave him alone, I am present when 3/4 a year are sacked for this. Not one of the relationships have lasted and the officer sometimes ends up in court too for misconduct in public office so could go to jail. It's an absolute no no, just like sleeping with your doctor. It doesn't matter if your case is closed, he was the OIC and that makes it totally out of bounds.

Another poster upthread quoted the relevant policy in full.

Some jobs mean you can't date / shag particular people. This is due to safeguarding and potential legal ramifications. Police officers know that going into the job.

Original poster
Mam576 · 08/05/2022 13:10

@BMWqueen thank you 😊 I don’t think it will go anywhere as I think he is just being friendly and helpful. It’s just when the messages carried on with immediate replies till late

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 13:12

Mam576 · 08/05/2022 13:10

@BMWqueen thank you 😊 I don’t think it will go anywhere as I think he is just being friendly and helpful. It’s just when the messages carried on with immediate replies till late

Did you just not care about this advice from someone who literally manages this issue for a living OP?

I work in a police Professional Standards Dept. If you date him, he would definitely get sacked, and in public too as our hearings are open to the public. Please leave him alone, I am present when 3/4 a year are sacked for this. Not one of the relationships have lasted and the officer sometimes ends up in court too for misconduct in public office so could go to jail. It's an absolute no no, just like sleeping with your doctor. It doesn't matter if your case is closed, he was the OIC and that makes it totally out of bounds.

JaneGnR88 · 08/05/2022 13:14

@Mam576 can you give any insight into what you’re actually messaging him without giving too much away about your job?

the replying until late if work related can be normal as he won’t work 9-5…

I still think you should just match on tinder and stay well away from his work phone/email.

hugoagogo · 08/05/2022 13:22

It's like a short story. I enjoyed it Smile

Original poster
Mam576 · 08/05/2022 13:43

@JaneGnR88 I’m doing research within the field, and just asking him some general questions about the field

OP posts:
BanjoVio · 08/05/2022 13:45

As everyone has said, swipe right and see. If you don’t match, he’s not interested and there’s your answer.

JaneGnR88 · 08/05/2022 13:46

@Mam576 as in the police force? If he’s been told he can help you it would make sense for him to respond, however I doubt that’s the case as they wouldn’t let a DC be a spokesperson of sorts at all! So he should stop giving you insight really - equally he might be a bit daft and not realise he shouldn’t, which is no excuse!

do you NEED to be asking him questions or is it just an excuse?

JaneGnR88 · 08/05/2022 13:47

BanjoVio · 08/05/2022 13:45

As everyone has said, swipe right and see. If you don’t match, he’s not interested and there’s your answer.

And also this!

Original poster
Mam576 · 08/05/2022 13:53

It’s not him on tinder, he said he’s not on there

OP posts:
JaneGnR88 · 08/05/2022 13:55

I’m confused now, when did he tell you he wasn’t on tinder? If you’ve messaged him on his work phone and asked and he’s even responded, he’s way out of line and is putting his job in jeopardy…

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 13:55

Mam576 · 08/05/2022 13:53

It’s not him on tinder, he said he’s not on there

Ah definitely a really professional conversation you were having last night then... unless you're researching whether police officers use dating sites.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 13:57

You're either on a wind up or you don't give a shit that he's the kind of bloke who is unprofessional and willing to lose his job for a shag.

And embarrassingly you don't care that he lied to you about 'heading up' a team, presumably to impress you.

Have you had quite poor boundaries when it comes to boundaries in the past OP? I ask as you don't seem willing to listen to people telling you how inappropriate and unprofessional his behaviour is.

Original poster
Mam576 · 08/05/2022 13:58

So I messaged him on his personal number and said this is really unprofessional but I swiped on your tinder profile last night but I didn’t realise it was you, I didn’t realise it was you etc. then he replied and said I’m not any tinder, then it was all about work

OP posts: