Friends slow fade

[Bluey222]

Two friends are slowly fading me out and I’m so hurt by it. I’m not sure what I’ve done and I’m really worried it is something about my personality. I was bullied at school and often the outsider so it’s churning up all sorts of memories. What could it be? Why would someone fade friends?
I’m invited to one of the faders weddings next week (invited pre-fade). Should I go?

Reasons I've faded friends: they want more from the friendship than I was prepared to give in terms of time or emotional drama, lives have diverged so meet ups are difficult or awkward (e.g. children of different life stages, polar opposite parenting styles), our children don't get on and they push meet ups with kids, their kids are hellish (and they cant/ don't want to meet without), they've done something or are doing something I find hard to enable or don't want to hear about (eg having affair with married man). I had to hard fade someone who became a massive covid anti-vaxxer. Honestly, I dont care if people get vacc'd or not but I dont wanna hear about the illuminati conspiracy over coffee. Now you can argue that it's better to be honest than fade people but it's basically impossible to say "Sorry Sarah, we cant hang out anymore in the day because I'd rather stab myself with a fork than spend a day with your hellspawn. Cocktails?"

But, more importantly, what do you think is going on here? Is it a case of them drawing closer together and excluding you? Or are these two separate friends? Are they just extremely busy or have other things going on which mean they're not socialising as much? I have thought I was being faded and it turned out the person was just having a really hard time with one of her DC and being a bit introspective.

Thanks for the reply. It’s two separate friends, no connection. One is getting married and the other one just had a baby, it could be that but I see them doing things on Insta with other people and I was quite close to both with weekly drinks and visiting each other’s houses for a coffee and catch up. Maybe that became to much? I’m not really blaming them for fading it’s just totally zapped my confidence and I’m struggling to get over it. I’m second guessing everything I’m doing in other friendships now (I never discuss this in real life because I know it’s pretty heavy to be thinking like that). I don’t know how to be with them now, do I go to the wedding and just act normally? Do I still invite them to my birthday drinks do?

@Bluey222 if you feel "faded out" you shouldn't go to the wedding etc. i wouldn't.

Right before Covid I realised that a good friend had always treated me fairly badly, this culminated in a particular night when the lack of basic manners were very apparent, but because the friendship was decades old I had always put up with it.
It reached fairly ridiculous heights of control and lack of respect, as well as gossiping.
So I took a step back at one point and nothing really happened ! I decided I'd had enough and made no effort to contact them. Weeks passed and
I responded politely when contacted, didn't make any further plans and I suppose then Covid covered up the rest - just no contact at all.
I'm so glad because I am generally still a bit angry now about what I put up with for so long ! Always made to feel like a B list friend and left out of things (from some weird jealousy I think!).
Another good old friend lives in another country, but when she visited at school hols etc would only arrange to meet me during the day with her kids (for hours !), on her terms (to keep her kids busy for a day). However she would make plans with other mutual friends for dinner etc.and exclude me. So last time I made sure I wasn't available for day care.
I think if you're feeling like they're fading you out or not being generally respectful (eg rearranging plans last minute/ unfunny comments putting you down/looking for gossip on your family to feed her own gossipy mother lol/ basically not being a friend at all/ constantly giving unsolicited advice for problems you didn't realise you had) then just drop them !! Yes it's awkward when you meet again but just put a smile on and let it go. People have their own stuff going on it might not all be about you.

To answer the other question - I wouldn't go to the wedding but have a good excuse and I would invite them to birthday drinks unless you want a big drama/ be blamed, but make it a light invitation so they can get out of it easily if they want eg a text a week in advance.
Also figure out if you really like them anyway or if you're just afraid of losing friends.

I know it’s possibly not about me, I suppose it’s just a bit concerning it’s 2 friends simultaneously who don’t know each other. it’s really embarrassing to. Like with your friend I feel like I’ve put up with the one being very flakey but now she’s fading me out I’m upset but also annoyed I put up with it.
I’m more afraid of losing friends I think, I had a year as a very lonely teen when I had no friends and I’ve always tried to avoid that happening again. I may use covid as an excuse for the wedding as mutual friends will notice if I don’t go.

In what way are they fading you out ? Not answering texts / every second text / turning down invitations / leaving you out on purpose and not telling you when they see mutual friends ? Or arranging to meet mutual friend and leaving you out ?
maybe both are genuinely busy with other stuff and with perhaps a pinch of taking you for granted ?

I think with one friend because I was always there, never unavailable, and always answered texts / communications (like a normal person with manners!) that I was somehow the less desirable, less cool friend to some social climbers ! I would see this friend bend over backwards for other mutual friends (let's just say more cool) yet would act like they were doing me a favour by keeping our arrangements.
I'm sure said friend thinks they dropped me for whatever reason they have made up in their mind but i have them on social media block now.

They are not replying to texts in full, just pleasantries and not saying they are available when I suggested we get together as we usually do. I didn’t realise they were stepping back at first so I continued as normal but realised what was going on after a week or two (I usually meet each one weekly). Now you mention it I realised that both have befriended another of my friends they met at my birthday weekend away and they meet them without me. I wasn’t fazed by this, just happy they got on whilst away, but it seems they have used me as a friend match maker.

Maybe weekly meet ups were too much for whatever reason depending on what's happening in their lives. Not sure I could ever commit to that myself.
Probably the best thing is not to over think it, and let them contact you in future.

Go to the wedding.

busy people busy lives

@PrisonerofZeroCovid
I hear you on the kids issue - it's nice to see friend with or without kids same age, but I realised some good friends only wanted to see me with kids.
This is going back 10+ years, one would only ever arrange play dates in my house which is plain weird. Lots of people use play dates to give their DH a break I realise. Anyway mine are much older now and no way would put up with having to befriend kids they never see for hours anymore.
But I definitely think in some cases I was being fully used for nannying. When I suggested meeting up without kids I was told that the available family babysitters (grandparents !) were already being used up enough on (the dinner our I wasn't invited to 😂). Implying I was being selfish of their time.
Honestly I think pre Covid I was fairly thick at times.
Last time I was in touch with this old friend I had cancelled a day time play date (last summer), due to now being able to face hours and hours of her kids. And since then - guess what - I'm clearly not worth contacting much anymore !

@Flowers111 Ha- I was the friend (in that until recently I lived overseas and used to come back in the summers). Meet ups with kids in tow were largely at a play farm/ soft play etc though unless the other person was very insistent. Get what you mean about them aging out on the magical mystery tour playdate with a kid they never met. Some friendships have stuck - they still ask about the random kid they met when they were six, but most don't and unless it's a convenient match up of ages and genders, there's always one sulky kid moping around, being left out.

Anyway, enough about me . OP, from what you've said I would cut baby lady a bit of slack. She probably does feel the need to make "baby friends" which are sneered at on MN but actually become quite important once your baby becomes a feral toddler and only other people with feral toddlers want to hang out with you. It's easy to miss that opportunity as childless friends still happy to hang out with you when your baby sleeps in a sling while you browse the shops, have a coffee etc. Once they're walking, it changes. Plus, she's just had a baby so probably all over the place and maintaining friendships not top of her list.

Wedding lady, not so sure. If she has time to meet the other friend, it's possible she is fading you out a bit, or maybe the new friend is just novelty value. If the wedding will be fun as you know loads of other people, I'd go.

Also, maybe look to diversify your own friendship group a bit. I get where you are coming from about worrying that your teenage years will repeat themselves. I wasn't exactly friendless in my teens but my friendships were pretty precarious and I felt I had to compromise a lot to maintain them. I do start to worry whenever my friendship group thins out (as happens a lot as an expat as people leave). I find the best solution is to make more.

It was short weekly meet ups, a coffee with one and dog walk with another. We often cancelled if someone was busy so I’m not sure. Thankfully I’m past the DC play date stage but I know exactly the sort, they see you as a daytime entertainment option rather than friend.
I know I’ll have to stop it bothering me so much and move on and make new friends. I worry it’s something I’ve done and will repeat again in new friendships.

Doesn't sound like they are fading you out. Ones stressed with a new baby the other is probably stressed with last minute wedding planning details.

It's often to do with what's going on in peoples lives rather than you. Have yo asked then to meet up? Asked if new mum needs a hand cleaning/wants a takeaway brought over/ needs you to watch baby while she naps? Have you asked upcoming bride if she needs anything or wants a catch up?

Also I think your past is colouring your reading of the situation. I do the same thing having been bullied and iced out as a teen. I always think I've done something wrong but usually it's just they're going through shit

If she's getting married, the fade may not be forever. Depending on how convenient it is, I'd go to the evening part only, not spend a fortune on the gift, but smile, be happy to see her, leave when it suits you. Be ''breezy'' and see how things pan out after all the wedding admin has gone away.

If she’s getting married then maybe she’s just busy and has other stuff going on. Not everyone has time for weekly catch ups. Go to the wedding, enjoy it and see how things go.

My oldest friend (I've written about her on here before) has been very challenging for a year or more. Undergoing therapy, and I have given hours, days, so much time over to her listening to her problems, and everything being me, me, me. Constantly rejecting advice from not just me - I realise this is her prerogative, but why ask for help if you are not going to do anything? I saw her two or three times a week with me doing all the contacting all the time. I began to realise there was no reciprocity.

She has no other "real" friends, only people on Facebook she never meets or sees. She's been making very questionable contacts on FB, all men, all ending in tears (hers).

She never gets in touch. Ever. Last year I went on holiday for two weeks and when I had heard nothing I decided to have a "mini break" from her. Until she threatened to kill herself and I called round - said she was just having a meltdown and then said "Oh I should have perhaps called you". When I said yes, that would have been nice, she said "Oh I've always been like that. I never call people."

A month ago she was again going on about crying all the time and talking non stop about these strange contacts on Facebook. I just decided I was getting nothing from this friendship. I haven't contacted her since, and have heard absolutely zero from her either.

When I think of the times I spent an hour a day on the phone with her or round at her house, and she hasn't even realised she hasn't seen or heard from me for a month, or doesn't even care!

I actually think she has no understanding of what a friendship is about.

@PrisonerofZeroCovid thanks for the advice. How you’ve described your teens is exactly how I felt, I still do to some extent.
thanks @Flowers111 I think the plan is to give them space, go to the wedding but try to meet new friends.

@Bluey222 having read the other replies I do agree that the bride is probably up to her eyes at this stage and it's not personal. Same with the new baby. On both occasions last thing on my mind would have been if I was making enough effort with friends, they're both very stressful times in your life.
@PrisonerofZeroCovid I agree about baby friends - badly needed so you feel sane. (I hope you're not the friend I'm talking about ha ha although I don't think she has moved back). 😁
@Bluey222 maybe you're over thinking a bit / feeling a bit down and therefore slightly paranoid ! These things are never personal as they say (even when they are).
I'm struggling myself to have any sort of social life since Covid other than DH. I realised most of my friendships are in work and we all lived too far away from each other during Covid. I did start a coffee morning with a neighbour but I must have said the wrong thing as that ended abruptly 😂although the excuse was work commitments (and now I get the obvious one line pleasant text responses - our boys are friends and we have to text the odd time about sports).
I have thought about joining local clubs etc but I'm not interested in anything enough to join externally plus too busy with work and kids too.
All about me sorry but if anyone has any ideas. A lot of meet ups are during work hours for sahms I find locally. That said I think I have to accept I've gone from having tonnes of friends and turning down invitations to basically having one. 🫣and even she probably thinks I'm a bit of a drag at this stage !

I’ve offered help with the baby and wedding, I’ve known both friends for years and we were close, the sort of friends who would pick DC up in an emergency. I’ve tried to reach out to both and now giving them space.
I'm definitely paranoid and sensitive because of what happened in my teens. @Flowers111 I’m also finding it tough after covid, some homebody friends have become quite insular. I understand that and know they are happy and it’s not about me but it’s just reduced my friendship circle further. People seem less inclined to go out now.

@Bluey222 true maybe people just want to be at home, and not spending money either.

This is happening to me right now, I even made a post about it a few days ago. It hurts like hell. Look, I think if you can be quite self reflective and honest with yourself most of us are aware if we've been too reliant on others or unfair with our friendships. We can admit if we've not treated a friend well or gone on about ourselves too much and been a bit draining. Ive wracked my brains and I honestly havent done this. In fact, I'd say its been the other way around for me- Ive been super supportive of her but had very little back in return.

My only conclusion therefore is that I havent done anything "wrong" and that its about her issues and hers alone- whatever they may be, and if she wont tell me then I cannot help her. I suspect this is the case with you. The more I think about it, the more angry I've become because I think its a really unkind and mean spirited thing to do to someone who you called a "friend". Its a shitty way to treat someone and I'd rather her just be honest with me than ghost away 17 years or so of close friendship leaving me fretting about it and trying to analyse what exactly I did to upset her (when most likely I havent done anything!).

I have now decided to just drop the rope and see if she picks it up again. I cannot put any more emotional energy into worrying about this or trying to resurrect a one sided friendship. I'm not sure I'd go to the wedding if I was you- i'd feel pretty resentful spending all that £ on an outfit/present/hotel etc for someone who didnt really give a crap about me. The bottom line is this: do not make someone a priority when they only treat you as an option. I'm sure you are a fantastic friend and someone else out there deserves your friendship 😘

I would still go to the wedding. Maybe they are fading you out, but maybe not. I'm an over thinker so I know sometimes I misread situations.

What age are these people? I find in your late 30s and early 40s a lot of old friendships slide. People change (on both sides) or are super busy with life. Sometimes it's personal, sometimes it's not. If you feel faded out maybe address it politely and directly with them (I hope you're doing well! I am a little upset that we've not spoken properly in a long time - have I done anything to upset you?). It may just be that they are super busy. if not just write them off and find new friends!

But everyone has the same 24 hours per day. If OP is what she drops when she's "so busy," that is a message.

I'd skip the wedding and work on making new friends.