Friends slow fade

[Bluey222]

Two friends are slowly fading me out and I’m so hurt by it. I’m not sure what I’ve done and I’m really worried it is something about my personality. I was bullied at school and often the outsider so it’s churning up all sorts of memories. What could it be? Why would someone fade friends?
I’m invited to one of the faders weddings next week (invited pre-fade). Should I go?

I agree. My married friends all managed to plan their weddings without dropping all their friends lol, she cant be "planning" it 24 hours every single day. She must have some free time to text people important in her life, even if its just "hey, sorry I havent been in touch, - are you free on x date?" etc.

I think it is understandable that to continue a previous weekly commitment to someone when you are in the middle of a massive time and energy absorbing life change (new baby, getting married) it starts to slide as life and relationship are in transition and get reset during these times.

Readjust your expectations - would a once a month catch up in a different way work for both of you now?

Friendships ebb, flow, reset and reshape over the years depending on what’s going on.

Keep positive and open to change in dynamic. It will right itself in time - if not you will know where you are. Big life changes can absorb many months of your life before you even look up. I would look at the trend over a year before concluding what’s going on.

Friends can be for a reason, a season or life. Sometimes there is churn and it doesn’t meet the needs of the other. Keep open to making more acquaintances which may or may not develop into deeper friendships over time.

We’re late 30’s. I think if I ask they will deny it, I think that’s why they faded out rather than abruptly stopped talking to me or mentioned a problem. On the other hand I also don’t want to push them if they are struggling I wouldn’t want to burden them. @ParisNoir I need to let it go and not put any more emotional energy into it but like you I’m quite annoyed they haven’t been honest. Have you made different friends?

Has anyone ever been “honest” - what would that actually look like in real life:

”Hey Bluey222 - just a quick update to let you know that I am dropping you forthwith as a friend because you are draining/demanding/dull or because I am prefer to spend my now limited time with a more likeminded / energising / compatible person.”

There is no honest way to move on without hurting someone (I suppose you could do the “It’s not you, it’s me” - but I suspect you would sniff the disingenuous sentiment).

Fading is letting someone down gently. No one owes anyone else their time or headspace and if this is politely and gently withdrawn which each of us has the prerogative to do in a way to prevent hurt then we just need to respect that and move on.

I’ve always struggled to have friends - I’m naturally introverted and quiet and have geeky hobbies and not into sport etc
I have a full on job and career which is much more than 9-5 am and I’m divorced and single with two kids. I’m not a big drinker or smoke etc I also suspect I’m on the autism spectrum and find emotional connections difficult. Prior to lockdown I thought I had good friends actually I have friends that used me for childcare, to live with ne rent free etc and I was lonely. Lockdown was silent, we relocated and I haven’t made any new friends locally really. Been here 15 months now - so I’m going to make an effort to join a tennis club and force myself.

go to the wedding be kind be nice but start maybe making new hobbies?

@DFOD yes maybe not bluntly honest but a ‘you upset me when you said/did’ or saying they are busy or need something from me. They both claim to be upfront, no nonsense types and have told me I’m too passive in the past. I think I’d rather be ghosted or someone be blunt than be faded out, at least I’d know where I stand and know I don’t need to go to the wedding.
I’m worried by attendance at the wedding will be seen as a pity invite and it’ll be embarrassing. I’m probably thinking like this from the bullying I had as a teenager.

I disagree. When you've been like sisters to someone, its hurtful to just disappear from their life. You then start to imagine all sorts of things that might be "wrong" with you that caused it- many of which could easily be worse than the actual reason. I'd far rather someone say "Look, I just dont have the time to devote to our friendship right now as Ive got too much going on". I'd be hurt but at least I'd know where I stood and at least I wouldnt out the emotional time and effort into trying to contact someone who clearly doesnt give a fck about me.

This idea that ghosting is "kind" is frankly, rubbish.

Go to the wedding if you have loads of others to talk to !

I have a relatively new rule - if I've texted someone last I won't text again. Not that I'll go months but I won't text say the next day (even if we talk daily). Because I'm a fairly open person I think it might come across as needy and vulnerable and the other person feels a bit superior. That's definitely what happened with the good friend I dropped before Covid. Sometimes people you think are your friends really just find you entertaining and think they're solving all your problems whereas you think you're just friends 🤣 and would do the same for them (and do).
I'm also weary of the counselling advised type responses i sometimes get from a good friend in counselling (although a very positive thing !) eg "I'm just watching tv with DH and will text you tomorrow". I find that really insulting - I mean don't text me back if you're watching tv I was just saying hello I'm not standing on a ledge 🤣

@Bluey222 This has only just happened to me so not had the chance to "replace" that friend as it were. I do have other really good friends so its not like she's my only friend. What hurts the most is that I felt the quality of our friendship was brilliant- it was (or used to be) very equally supportive, funny- we used to make each other laugh until tears were running down our faces, we have supported each other through really rough times etc To quote sex and the city, she felt like "my insides"- she knew me to my very core and loved me despite my faults and I, her. I'm just so sad that something so precious could be thrown away so casually and I just dont get it. Friendships like that arent made quickly- they take a long time to develop.

I hate weddings they are so boring and the food and wine no matter how expensive the wedding is always so mediocre so I always respectfully decline the invitations. I’m a horrible friend I know but my friends just accept it and I’ve not had an invite for years which is fine with me. Your dilemma if you love weddings you’ve been invited and as you’ve not been uninvited go and have a great time if you don’t like weddings don’t go. Do what makes you happy if your frosty friends are freezing you out that’s their problem life’s too short to be worried about friends like that anyway.

I would assume it's about them rather than you. People tend to phase others out (intentionally or not) when they no longer fit into their life. So return to work after maternity. Moving job/house, new relationship, babies etc. I would guess they don't need you and people can be selfish and cherry pick when it suits. Options are-
Ask them why.
Step back yourself.

Either way it's sucks I've been phased out and found it hard. I have also not got in touch with people but tbh more because I felt uncomfortable or felt like the person didn't want to be friends anymore.

@Nursenomore I don't really enjoy weddings myself but hard to get out of family ones.
@Autienotnaughtie I agree people do lose contact after big life changes but it's usually fairly organic, when someone is being phased out though it's a bit callous I think unless the other person knows they've done something / behaved badly consistently enough to expect it to a certain extent. That's what happened with my old friend. I'm fully sure they realised I finally had enough and in fact callously months later contacted me as if nothing had happened and i was friendly due to Covid and then felt like I was then dropped in return 🤣 I had no intentions of picking up the friendship again anyway.
I wouldn't do it to anyone else - not sure I find any friends annoying enough to decide to phase someone out.
I just wouldn't have gotten that close in the first place.
The others I referred to I didn't see often enough for any impact re deciding not to be daycare etc anymore or that sort of thing.
Anyway my point being I think it's mean to fade people out unless they've genuinely done something on you. And thou know there's no point in discussing as it's a deep rooted attitude to you that will never change !

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron - I think some people thrive on drama, I have a removed family member Ike that who has mental health issues - however blows some minor problems out of proportion and can't see the wood for the trees. I've realised over the years that firstly she does exaggerate the facts so that what she tells you is happening can't really be trusted fully, and secondly no matter what solutions you suggest she can't seem to get there, but she does get somewhere with your advice which is good.
That said I'm always there for her as family but I would be wary about being too available.
Anyway my point being some people don't want solutions they just like the drama / attention I think.

@Flowers111 family ones are difficult I know but we have 25 nephews and nieces between us and we decided early on we couldn’t possibly go to them all so we don’t go to any of them. My son still goes if he wants to and we still send an expensive money present (I dislike shopping and buying or in fact receiving presents too so I have always given money envelopes). I justify it as better not to have a moaning sour puss like me bored out of her mind at your wedding no matter how much she cares for you bah humbug! I’m happy to spa and massage though so they all know I’m up for that and we often meet as a family for little spa weekends away. I’m too old now to change and I don’t want to! OP though if you like weddings you should go especially if there will be other friends of yours there too your still invited so you may just find that it’s all been ‘ a storm in a teacup’ and your not being faded out after all.

@Nursenomore 25 wow 😀 no I'm not mad about weddings either I would definitely prefer to send a generous present than have to turn up to an extended family wedding !

Are you going to the wedding with someone or alone?

If it was me I'd be tempted to go anyway if I knew I'd know other people there to check out her vibe towards me. I dunno 🤷🏼‍♀️

Something similar happened to me. We were such good friends for about 10 years, she went through a really bad break up which I supported her through and when she met her now DH she dropped me like a hot potato and it still really hurts.

Going through this currently myself and posted about it.

No real advice, except I get it and it really hurts and affects your self esteem.