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Original poster

We are not married, is this a risky thing for me to do?

114 replies

PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:25

Me and DP have been together over 7 years, I’m mid 30s hes late 30s. Before I get into this, DP is great. He’s never really been funny about money and he’s generally kind and sensitive. We live in a rented place in Nottingham and DP works in town, I work remotely but often have to travel to Manchester for work. This system has been ok for the last 3 years. He pays the rent and I pay the mortgage on my own house (in Manchester) which I left to move in with him 3 years ago. We agreed this was fair as he would have been paying rent anyway and I didn’t want to get rid of my house. Now that I’m pregnant DP has suggested he buys a place in Nottingham for us. All fine except…we are not married. He says he would pay the mortgage so I would still pay mine as usual and he would cover all bills in the new house as he has done over the last 3 years.

This seems to be a fair arrangement…however, I am aware that either I will have to cut my hours down the line or we will need to pay childcare costs. This is because my family are all based in Manchester and obviously not within reach to help us in Nottingham. I’ve started wondering if I am doing the right thing financially? DP is absolutely great and I don’t think he would ever take the piss but a friend said the other day that she thought me cutting my hours and relying on him when we are not married is actually risky and that instead we should be close to my family, where he pays half my mortgage or something and where I wouldn’t have to have childcare or cut a day a work unless I wanted to.

I have always trusted DP but then everyone does until it goes wrong. Is this too risky? Just wondering what others would do. He’s not keen on moving to Manchester as he has a very active social life in Nottingham and went to uni here etc so it’s very much home to him. I like it too but like Manchester equally!

OP posts:
Noama · 06/05/2022 17:28

Would there be family members in Manchester that would actually provide childcare?
I found people offered when I was pregnant and it never materialised. So I’d be cautious about moving just for parental support.

YellowHpok · 06/05/2022 17:29

Yes I think its risky. To be blunt, you need to commit to where your family home will be for the foreseeable. If you have kids in Nottingham, and they go to school there, then you split, its unlikely that you'd be able to move them back to Manchester If he took you to court to prevent it.

It's less about marriage and more about a shared commitment to where you'll be based long term. That includes having your name on the deeds of the family home.

So yes, risky financially and socially. Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason.

Original poster
PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:30

@Noama I couldn’t guarantee it as I agree they may be flaky when the time comes! But it’s also things like pick ups and so on if I was stuck on a work meeting etc. It would just be general support. DP has an office job where he has to be in and so all childcare will be left to me in those hours and he’s already said he wouldn’t be able to drop a day himself as work wouldn’t give him that option.

OP posts:
titchy · 06/05/2022 17:31

Why can't you go on the mortgage and deeds of the place he buys?

Discovereads · 06/05/2022 17:31

I will have to cut my hours down the line or we will need to pay childcare costs.

Whats the plan? Right now it’s extra risky because you have a baby on the way but no plan. Yes, it’s better to be married when having children, but if you plan to return to work FT in a year or so and the plan is to split childcare and all other child costs fairly as well as fairly divide time off if said child is sick, then that’s not as risky as a plan that has you either being off work until the child is school age or becoming a SAHM with no income.

Original poster
PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:32

YellowHpok · 06/05/2022 17:29

Yes I think its risky. To be blunt, you need to commit to where your family home will be for the foreseeable. If you have kids in Nottingham, and they go to school there, then you split, its unlikely that you'd be able to move them back to Manchester If he took you to court to prevent it.

It's less about marriage and more about a shared commitment to where you'll be based long term. That includes having your name on the deeds of the family home.

So yes, risky financially and socially. Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason.

@YellowHpok I don’t mind being in Nottingham, I don’t love it like DP does but I’m happy to stay.

It’s just the feeling that I will almost certainly be picking up childcare and whilst he is saying he will support that financially it is just his word… I suppose I could say I want to be on the deeds? But then would I have to be on the mortgage too? I wouldn’t want that liability as I have my own mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:33

titchy · 06/05/2022 17:31

Why can't you go on the mortgage and deeds of the place he buys?

@titchy I’ve not mentioned that as I thought if I was on the deeds I would also have to be on the mortgage and I don’t want another liability with having my own mortgage already

OP posts:
titchy · 06/05/2022 17:33

Somewhat worrying that he's not going to do any childcare.... did you not talk about this before you decided to start a family?

Original poster
PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:35

Discovereads · 06/05/2022 17:31

I will have to cut my hours down the line or we will need to pay childcare costs.

Whats the plan? Right now it’s extra risky because you have a baby on the way but no plan. Yes, it’s better to be married when having children, but if you plan to return to work FT in a year or so and the plan is to split childcare and all other child costs fairly as well as fairly divide time off if said child is sick, then that’s not as risky as a plan that has you either being off work until the child is school age or becoming a SAHM with no income.

@Discovereads I think this is part of the problem, I want to be able to cut a day but I don’t want a liability of childcare costs on the other days where I would have no other support. It’s ok for him to say he would pay for it but then if it comes to it and he didn’t, I’m left in a full time job, stuck paying for childcare and miles from family.

I feel so mean saying this as he is a lovely man. But you never know do you.

OP posts:
Original poster
PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:36

titchy · 06/05/2022 17:33

Somewhat worrying that he's not going to do any childcare.... did you not talk about this before you decided to start a family?

@titchy he can’t work remotely. He absolutely will help and do his fair share. But he can’t support childcare in the week as he can’t cut a day, it’s just not possible in his role.

OP posts:
titchy · 06/05/2022 17:37

I’ve not mentioned that as I thought if I was on the deeds I would also have to be on the mortgage and I don’t want another liability with having my own mortgage already

Hmmmm not sure you can have it both ways then. That said I think some lenders may allow you to be on the deeds but not mortgage. Could you sell your current place?

YerAWizardHarry · 06/05/2022 17:37

Are you renting your own house out? Seems a bit odd to have a house sitting doing nothing…

Original poster
PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:41

@YerAWizardHarry no not at the moment. Just ever got round it and the repayments are relatively small (450)

OP posts:
Kingharoldshairstyle · 06/05/2022 17:42

I don’t understand why you’d have to cut your hours, I’m assuming he’s not considering doing that?

either you trust the bloke enough to habe a kid with him and you split the child care costs fifty fifty or if you don’t, move on and find someone else. Getting married doesn’t mean he needs to pay for childcare, you will get child maintenance and that’s it on divorce. Getting married changes nothing. You get half of what came into thr marriage after the marriage. And possibly less than that if you divorce early.

either way don’t cut your hours. And don’t have a baby with someone if yoire already foreseeing him not doing his share and the relationship ending.

Discovereads · 06/05/2022 17:44

I feel so mean saying this as he is a lovely man. But you never know do you.

Dont feel mean. Personally I’m a big proponent of marriage before kids because of the protections it offers if even the best laid plans go awry. You have every right to think about the what ifs.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2022 17:44

Have I missed the reason you’re not married or getting married?

Coffeetree · 06/05/2022 17:45

Hang on, he says he can't work less and that's evidently non-negotiable?

So he's asking you to take on all the loss of earnings?

And you say that you'll have to pay for childcare?

He's acting like this is some hobby you've decided to indulge in.

If you're going to be a single mother you might as well move to Manchester. Fuck that.

IncompleteSenten · 06/05/2022 17:46

No way would I do that without being married.

D0lphine · 06/05/2022 17:46

I think it's great you're asking these questions OP.

Tormenteddd · 06/05/2022 17:47

Well accommodation aside as you will each own a property and don’t give further info.

it seems to me once you have a baby you become a family with shared responsibility for at least child related and parenting related things.

creating a shared financial pot to cover these including child care would be the way to go. decide how much is needed and contribute proportionally on take home pay.

be aware that if he fails to house you in Nottingham you may have to finance that

also if his earnings drop disappear you will have to make up the shortfall and vice versa for him

so the ‘i would like to drop a day’ is up for discussion depends on the finances doesn’t it it might make more sense for him to drop a day (s)

family support and childcare is a red herring here- it is you two doing this and with the responsibilities imo

you are sort of committing to Nottingham esp once dc is in school

Discovereads · 06/05/2022 17:49

But he can’t support childcare in the week as he can’t cut a day, it’s just not possible in his role.

You don’t have to cut a day to do childcare. You can have a flexible working schedule (which every parent of a child under 16 has a right to). Several couples I know coordinate their work days to minimise the hours in childcare during the weekdays.

If he can’t do any childcare, he needs to be paying for it.

Ponderingwindow · 06/05/2022 17:51

You should not be reducing your earning power without a legal agreement that compensates you for reducing your earning power. That means you shouldn’t be having a baby without getting married. You also should not automatically agree to reduce your hours with separate finances. Your partner could just as easily be covering child care after the infant period. You don’t need to be the only one worrying about leaving work on time to make it to pickup. If you do agree to that arrangement, even if you are the higher earner, you are still taking an earnings hit and your partner should compensate you. Many couples handle that by getting married and having joint finances.

Whadda · 06/05/2022 17:53

It’s great you’re asking these questions, but what was the plan before you started trying for a baby?

Why don’t you just get married?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2022 17:56

Indeed why do you not get married?

And if you remain unmarried I would give your child your surname rather than his.

Catcrazy83 · 06/05/2022 17:59

I think I’d remind him his work will have to support emergencies, he will have parental leave rights just like you. I would draw that line in the sand now. 50/50 for school holidays and sickness etc.
the house thing, i would rent yours out and buy together, equally.
i would also stay full time at work and both be equally responsible for cost.
no way would i reduce my house if I wasn’t married, I don’t think I’d take the career hit even if I was tbh. You may get a good divorce settlement, but that doesn’t put you where you could have been pension/progression wise