We are not married, is this a risky thing for me to do?

[PassThePebs]

Me and DP have been together over 7 years, I’m mid 30s hes late 30s. Before I get into this, DP is great. He’s never really been funny about money and he’s generally kind and sensitive. We live in a rented place in Nottingham and DP works in town, I work remotely but often have to travel to Manchester for work. This system has been ok for the last 3 years. He pays the rent and I pay the mortgage on my own house (in Manchester) which I left to move in with him 3 years ago. We agreed this was fair as he would have been paying rent anyway and I didn’t want to get rid of my house. Now that I’m pregnant DP has suggested he buys a place in Nottingham for us. All fine except…we are not married. He says he would pay the mortgage so I would still pay mine as usual and he would cover all bills in the new house as he has done over the last 3 years.

This seems to be a fair arrangement…however, I am aware that either I will have to cut my hours down the line or we will need to pay childcare costs. This is because my family are all based in Manchester and obviously not within reach to help us in Nottingham. I’ve started wondering if I am doing the right thing financially? DP is absolutely great and I don’t think he would ever take the piss but a friend said the other day that she thought me cutting my hours and relying on him when we are not married is actually risky and that instead we should be close to my family, where he pays half my mortgage or something and where I wouldn’t have to have childcare or cut a day a work unless I wanted to.

I have always trusted DP but then everyone does until it goes wrong. Is this too risky? Just wondering what others would do. He’s not keen on moving to Manchester as he has a very active social life in Nottingham and went to uni here etc so it’s very much home to him. I like it too but like Manchester equally!

Don't cut your hours and split the childcare costs 50/50?

He is happy to let you live with him rent free AND he pays all the bills, whilst you pay a mortgage on a property he has no claim on. It doesn't sound like you have any reason to suspect he won't contribute to childcare costs.

You say he will continue to pay the mortgage and all the bills on a new home. Maybe it would therefore be a fair split even if you did end up paying all the childcare costs, as you don't seem to be financially contributing to any of your joint household costs.

Financially, nothing to worry about. In fact you’d probably be called a cocklodger if he’d posted about you, and genders reversed.

However his supposed lack of job flexibility is an issue. Will you do all the moving? What if you have a sick child and an important meeting /work period. Will you have to give all that up? While his career remains unchanged?

i have a 100k mortgage on a 300k property so again it’s not like I can just afford to not work etc.

@PassThePebs
For the love of puppies.

Rent.

Out.

Your.

House.

There are hundreds of thousands of people looking to rent. You could charge a tenant an arm and a leg. I don't advocate that, but you could have a monthly income from the house that would at least cover your mortgage and council tax and set up a fund for repairs, and that would free up the money you currently spend on the mortgage for childcare.

Sorry- not sure I've read that right- you pay your mortgage, but absolutely no bills with your partner where you currently live- what do you currently cover there? Surely your expenses going forward will continue to be minimal if that's the set up?

And secondly- if you want 'in' on the property, which he will be fully paying for, including all bills- does that give him an 'in' to your property? Surely that should be let out, and there is another inconvenience stream for you?

What exactly do you pay for? The way you have said it, it appears your only expense is your £450 mortgage

@YerAWizardHarry this is my thoughts too. If your DP wasn't a high earner I think you would of definitely had to rent your house out in Manchester by now. I think it's unusual too and your DP paying all the bills.

Would your family actual be able to comitt to childcare week in week out though? I wouldn't bank on it OP. I'm not sure which one of you should relocate but the main issue is you can't continue to have 2 houses.

I think some posters are being mean questioning why you would want to drop your hours... well there's many reasons such as PND, not coping generally baby being young still or perhaps you just want time to yourself and to enjoy the baby stage!!

It's not too late for you to research child minders or a nursery and plan costs. Congratulations OP!

I think OP is aware and she said she doesn't want to be liable. But having 2 houses with both parties paying their own mortgage isn't practical anything could happen twins or falling on pregnacy again!

@Roastonsun8 - from what I inferred OP wants to move back, he would have to change jobs and cities, and have him pay half her mortgage. He is offering a fully paid ride in a house in Nottingham, financially covering nursery, at least half of it, and OP doesn't want to cover the cost of any childcare.

I think you should get married and then agree to split all the payments including childcare?

Make the house/child budget and then split how much each should pay. Since you may be working less days, just do it by %. E.g. 20% of each monthly income for both to pay the house /child bills.

Am I the only person confused as to why he pays all the rent and bills currently?

Can you not rent your place out? Pay the mortgage out of that and make a little money out of it as well?

Like I said its not practical is it. It doesnt sound like her DP has agreed to pay half OPS mortgage that's her own thought. Childcare could be a throw away comment or her DP may be unaware of how much it actually costs. I agree with the poster saying they need to decide where to put roots down. Your right too OP has VV good deal indeed!

My post is very crass. It's all about the money but that is what you are worrying about. If he buys a house while his partner ( you) owns a house, he will have to pay excruciating Additional Stamp Duty . You need your lender's permission to let your flat out. They are likely to make it conditional on you moving to a Buy To Let mortgage. Rental income is taxable . Capital Gains Tax when you come to sell. Mortgage,insurance,management,repairs and upgrading costs to meet with latest government regulations. A house as an investment is fine as part of a balanced investment portfolio but a headache inducing gamble as the only item. I can understand keeping it if you fear your relationship will not last much longer and you don't expect to inherit £500,000 soon.

It might make more financial sense for you to sell and invest your equity in tax efficient investments/savings/pensions/insurance against a rainy day.

If he buys/mortgages alone and pays other other housing costs -

say... a year housing costs ----------£32,000

Average cost for full time nursery ..............................£15,000.

Costs of hiring a cleaner/mother's help and general baby things ...... £10,000.

Total housing/childcare costs ..................................... £57,000.

                                    A half share of that is £28,500.

He's offering to pay all housing- so more than half. Yes, he will wind up owning a house but he is also contributing more to the house ( including deposit).

If you pay nursery/cleaner/mother's help you will be paying less than half the total ( just over £2,000 per month)and your savings will continue to grow. You won't be paying a mortgage and other home owner related costs. Unmarried, you get to keep your savings and assets, come what may. On the downside, you lose your chance of getting a share of the equity in his house and other assets including pension,he owns.

You will eventually be entitled to some free hours at nursery,which will cut the bill. If your partner's salary less pension contributions is less than £100,000, you will be able to claim £2,000 from government as the "tax free" contribution to nursery costs. You get this as soon as you start paying a nursery and in addition to the free hours.

For your sanity and long term financial security,I'd suggest you get 2 hours a day Mother's Help/Cleaner right from the start and stick to full time work. I suggest some serious cost checking,investment and tax advice,arithmetic, life insurances for you both,( even if it's only till baby is 18) and Wills. You should do this whether or not marriage is likely.

The fact an almost 40 year old's response to baby is to offer you free lodgings rather than marriage is not propitious. If you do split up, I calculate on his current salary the Child Maintenance he would have to pay you would probably cover about half the nursery but none of your housing,mother's help/cleaner costs.That's on the basis he doesn't go for 50/50 care.

Change your house in Manchester to a buy to let - you need a 25% deposit as a minimum for a buy to let but you have plenty of equity so you could release some of that to use as a deposit for the house in Nottingham which you then buy with your partner as your family home. Manchester house won’t cost you anything as you will rent it out.

You could rent your place for income? I personally would do it as you have your own house as a safety net. Otherwise I'd go on mortgage.

You don't come across as a team, and to have a child together you need to be. You need financial advice as you are losing money every month! Money that would boost your income significantly and reduce your perceived risk. Personally I'd want to be married or civil partners, I'd want to feel I owned the family home too. It feels like you are just waiting for it to all go wrong? Why?

You can have a flexible working schedule (which every parent of a child under 16 has a right to)

This is not correct. Every employee that has worked for an organisation for more than 26 weeks has the right to request a flexible working schedule. No employee has an automatic right to such a schedule, parent or no parent.

Thanks for the posts. A lot to think about.

We are not getting married as neither of us wants to do that because I’m now pregnant, I strongly feel that should be a separate thing. I know it’s linked in other ways but it’s just how I feel. I also am unsure about marriage where I have a lot of my own money - I earn around 45k less but probably come from wealthier background.

I hadnt considered making mine a BTL and then buying with him. I am with HSBC and not sure they allow that though until I have a second home already and have lived in it for 6 months. But I guess that could be the plan and I could put in 30k.

The problem here is that you want to protect your wealth or future wealth while wanting the security of his income and his finances.

To try and have it all in your favour is very poor behaviour and is a step further than looking after your own security.

He is paying all the bills so you, also on a high wage, continue to pay for an asset that’s solely yours. It could be bringing income for your shared life but you haven’t bothered to sort that.

You are basically saying ‘what’s his is mine, what’s mine is my own’.

DP has an office job where he has to be in and so all childcare will be left to me in those hours
he hasn’t tried. Does he work with any women? Do none of them flex at all? If their child is sick do they say to the dad /childcare no can do, my sick child will just have to stay vomiting in the managers office don’t you know I’m at WORK? I would challenge this, and say at a minimum if you want this baby you need to be prepared to be a parent, other people manage. Yes I know you know one friend in the whole world who is a surgeon and can’t work part time, or so he tells you. There are billions others who do. You need to select either pick up or drop off from day care and do that, and alternate with me on having to collect them early if sick / stay home with them if sick. Those are the conditions for us settling in Nottingham. Otherwise I need my family, because you are no help to me in looking after our child while you’re at work and that attitude shows no respect for my career which is terrible role modelling for
a child.
start as you want to go on.
i work full time. Have full time childcare of course,
dp leaves work a bit early to pick them up from school/childcare and cooks dinner.

@PassThePebs

Why are you considering putting money in your BF's proposed house?

Rent out your house for an amount that covers your mortgage, council tax, insurance, any extra amount for a repair fund, plus a profit (plus taxes).

Invest the profit. Or use it for childcare. Or buy another property to rent out.

Put your assets to work for you.

I strongly advise you to see a financial advisor and solicitor to figure out what to do with your current assets and the inheritance you expect to receive, and how to keep your money under your control.

There is no way you should be wringing your hands about childcare costs while you have an empty house sitting there in Manchester.

Private nurseries are generally open 7am to 6pm. I fail to believe he can't do at least one of drop off or pick up.

Why has he never bought a property before? He's on a very good salary to have not considered this previously.

I had a child with my then bf and now husband because he was a really lovely man. I knew. I have no idea why you would choose to have children with someone you were unsure of.