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Original poster

We are not married, is this a risky thing for me to do?

114 replies

PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:25

Me and DP have been together over 7 years, I’m mid 30s hes late 30s. Before I get into this, DP is great. He’s never really been funny about money and he’s generally kind and sensitive. We live in a rented place in Nottingham and DP works in town, I work remotely but often have to travel to Manchester for work. This system has been ok for the last 3 years. He pays the rent and I pay the mortgage on my own house (in Manchester) which I left to move in with him 3 years ago. We agreed this was fair as he would have been paying rent anyway and I didn’t want to get rid of my house. Now that I’m pregnant DP has suggested he buys a place in Nottingham for us. All fine except…we are not married. He says he would pay the mortgage so I would still pay mine as usual and he would cover all bills in the new house as he has done over the last 3 years.

This seems to be a fair arrangement…however, I am aware that either I will have to cut my hours down the line or we will need to pay childcare costs. This is because my family are all based in Manchester and obviously not within reach to help us in Nottingham. I’ve started wondering if I am doing the right thing financially? DP is absolutely great and I don’t think he would ever take the piss but a friend said the other day that she thought me cutting my hours and relying on him when we are not married is actually risky and that instead we should be close to my family, where he pays half my mortgage or something and where I wouldn’t have to have childcare or cut a day a work unless I wanted to.

I have always trusted DP but then everyone does until it goes wrong. Is this too risky? Just wondering what others would do. He’s not keen on moving to Manchester as he has a very active social life in Nottingham and went to uni here etc so it’s very much home to him. I like it too but like Manchester equally!

OP posts:
hermana · 07/05/2022 06:44

PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 19:20

He has slightly more earning potential but I probably have more inherited money than him. I’m not too bothered about marriage from that perspective.

What is getting to me is this fact that I suddenly thought what if we split up and I’m in Nottingham in his house. That would be a scary prospect.

Ah I see so you don't want to get married to protect your own assets but you still want dibs on his.

TeaBug · 07/05/2022 06:44

I couldn’t guarantee it as I agree they may be flaky when the time comes! But it’s also things like pick ups and so on if I was stuck on a work meeting etc. It would just be general support. DP has an office job where he has to be in and so all childcare will be left to me in those hours and he’s already said he wouldn’t be able to drop a day himself as work wouldn’t give him that option

You can't completely rely on family support as a given. Anything could happen. Family may not be available or able to do pick ups and drop offs or even general support. Or they might see it as a chore. Whilst it's nice and convenient if it all works out, it's too much of a gamble. You need proper paid for childcare with, hopefully, family support in an emergency.

HairyBum · 07/05/2022 06:53

Rent out your own house, ask to put on the mortgage on the new house as you’re both living there, pay half of the mortgage on new house.

HairyBum · 07/05/2022 06:56

new house needs to be a shared mortgage house as you’re both living there and becoming parents together, which could potentially make you vulnerable long term.

GandTfortea · 07/05/2022 07:11

Don’t rely on inheritance money ..unless it’s all tight and secure in a trust fund with your name on .
my parents had money ,a lot of money ,whole lot gone on care home fees .
didn’t bother me ,as I’d not expected any ,but did bother siblings a lot ,they were banking on it ..

TeaBug · 07/05/2022 07:25

my parents had money ,a lot of money ,whole lot gone on care home fees

Quite. It's not something to rely on for the future.

FoundationClassic529 · 07/05/2022 08:46

Going forward with a child/children

You need to either be a team = family
Or
Single parents

Financially, things will change with a child

hermana · 07/05/2022 08:47

I can't stop thinking that if this was the other way around and some guy was paying his own mortgage but living elsewhere with the woman picking up all the bills, they'd be uproar and outrage.

toastedcat · 07/05/2022 08:49

hermana · 07/05/2022 08:47

I can't stop thinking that if this was the other way around and some guy was paying his own mortgage but living elsewhere with the woman picking up all the bills, they'd be uproar and outrage.

I agree! I'm totally baffled as to how this is an issue, if anything it sounds like OP is doing v well out of the situation! I wouldn't dream of letting my partner pay for everything while I sat on an empty property, contributing nothing to our shared home and then complaining my lovely partner might screw me over financially?

SparklingStars10 · 07/05/2022 09:25

Wasn’t there a post on here a while ago, where a man was living mostly with his gf and was only paying for food shopping whilst paying a mortgage on his own property. Pretty much all posters told her he was a cocklodger and to kick him out. Yet posters on here are telling the OP to marry her partner, the mind boggles at the complete difference in attitudes to men and women.

SparklingStars10 · 07/05/2022 09:33

PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:25

Me and DP have been together over 7 years, I’m mid 30s hes late 30s. Before I get into this, DP is great. He’s never really been funny about money and he’s generally kind and sensitive. We live in a rented place in Nottingham and DP works in town, I work remotely but often have to travel to Manchester for work. This system has been ok for the last 3 years. He pays the rent and I pay the mortgage on my own house (in Manchester) which I left to move in with him 3 years ago. We agreed this was fair as he would have been paying rent anyway and I didn’t want to get rid of my house. Now that I’m pregnant DP has suggested he buys a place in Nottingham for us. All fine except…we are not married. He says he would pay the mortgage so I would still pay mine as usual and he would cover all bills in the new house as he has done over the last 3 years.

This seems to be a fair arrangement…however, I am aware that either I will have to cut my hours down the line or we will need to pay childcare costs. This is because my family are all based in Manchester and obviously not within reach to help us in Nottingham. I’ve started wondering if I am doing the right thing financially? DP is absolutely great and I don’t think he would ever take the piss but a friend said the other day that she thought me cutting my hours and relying on him when we are not married is actually risky and that instead we should be close to my family, where he pays half my mortgage or something and where I wouldn’t have to have childcare or cut a day a work unless I wanted to.

I have always trusted DP but then everyone does until it goes wrong. Is this too risky? Just wondering what others would do. He’s not keen on moving to Manchester as he has a very active social life in Nottingham and went to uni here etc so it’s very much home to him. I like it too but like Manchester equally!

This is not a fair arrangement. You should
be paying your way whilst living in his home.
To be honest, you sound very entitled, you don’t want to pay for anything and are also expecting to not have to pay for childcare either. You don’t get through life, expecting for things to be subsidised by others.

Aishah231 · 07/05/2022 10:45

So far it sounds like the financial situation has been unfair on your partner not you. He needs to accept that he doesn't get to opt out of childcare in the week. If your child is ill for example he might have to take time off sometimes. He can't just say my job is too important. All jobs have to provide a degree of flexibility on this. The OP has to accept that she can't have it both ways financially. You either pool everything or keep things separate. You can't pool his assets and not your own.

Double3xposure · 07/05/2022 11:06

titchy · 06/05/2022 17:33

Somewhat worrying that he's not going to do any childcare.... did you not talk about this before you decided to start a family?

I agree. There are very few jobs ,in total in the Uk where you are barred from asking for part time work. Let alone office jobs.

So of course your partner can share the childcare - indeed it’s essential that you take all the career hits / sick days / family leave 50:50.

Ponderingwindow · 07/05/2022 18:37

Plenty of women have office jobs and still manage to juggle child care responsibilities. Plenty of women are doctors, nurses, firefighters, and police officers, and they still have to juggle child care responsibilities. Your partner can take on his fair share of the parenting load, he is choosing not to.

sometimes couples do find it is more efficient for one partner to take on more of the child care responsibility, but that requires the other partner compensating that parent either explicitly or implicitly.

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