We are not married, is this a risky thing for me to do?

[PassThePebs]

Me and DP have been together over 7 years, I’m mid 30s hes late 30s. Before I get into this, DP is great. He’s never really been funny about money and he’s generally kind and sensitive. We live in a rented place in Nottingham and DP works in town, I work remotely but often have to travel to Manchester for work. This system has been ok for the last 3 years. He pays the rent and I pay the mortgage on my own house (in Manchester) which I left to move in with him 3 years ago. We agreed this was fair as he would have been paying rent anyway and I didn’t want to get rid of my house. Now that I’m pregnant DP has suggested he buys a place in Nottingham for us. All fine except…we are not married. He says he would pay the mortgage so I would still pay mine as usual and he would cover all bills in the new house as he has done over the last 3 years.

This seems to be a fair arrangement…however, I am aware that either I will have to cut my hours down the line or we will need to pay childcare costs. This is because my family are all based in Manchester and obviously not within reach to help us in Nottingham. I’ve started wondering if I am doing the right thing financially? DP is absolutely great and I don’t think he would ever take the piss but a friend said the other day that she thought me cutting my hours and relying on him when we are not married is actually risky and that instead we should be close to my family, where he pays half my mortgage or something and where I wouldn’t have to have childcare or cut a day a work unless I wanted to.

I have always trusted DP but then everyone does until it goes wrong. Is this too risky? Just wondering what others would do. He’s not keen on moving to Manchester as he has a very active social life in Nottingham and went to uni here etc so it’s very much home to him. I like it too but like Manchester equally!

You need to rent your house out and start making an income from it. You are sitting on a gold mine.

It's costing you money when it could be paying for itself with plenty left over to cover childcare costs and more if you were to be left in the lurch.

Do you want to get married? And does he? I can’t see if you mentioned that before.
if you’re worried, could you just get married?
I had a quickie wedding out of choice, doesn’t need to be more than a registry office.

IF it all went pearshaped,

you would still have the security of your own property in Manchester
He'd have his place. So in practical terms, splitting assets would be relatively straight forward. You would both need to be insured and make Wills to protect each other as a sole widowed parent of your child .

You need to have a big conversation with him about maternity leave, sharing domestic childcare and the cost of paid childcare when you return to work.

You've actually ' not got around' to renting your house out for 3 years!!!! The mortgage could of paid for itself and then some, you really are not helping your own financial situation. Not to mention the degradation that a house may suffer from not being lived in for 3 years.
Why not rent your house out and use that to pay half the mortgage on his place as long as he puts you on the deeds? That way you have security and it costs you nothing.
He pays half of childcare, you both work full time and have your child in nursery. Are his hours that long that he can't ever collect or drop off his DC before or after work? Don't see there is a need to cut your hours if you don't want to.

So risky. You are right that childcare will probably be down to you. He will most probably work unencumbered by the child he's created and increasing his earnings whilst owning by himself a substantial asset. Meanwhile you'll be on reduced hours and paying for childcare, your career will suffer and even worse, you will be living in HIS house.

I feel like people are saying to get rid of the baby which is a pretty unfair thing to say.

We didn’t plan it all out in detail and perhaps we should. But that’s why I have posted. I can’t go back in time and discuss it all then so these comments are not massively helpful. I get I’ve messed it up there.

When I say he can’t cut hours I mean that he can’t have flexibility with his job. He’s talked about being able to flex one day a week potentially but essentially it is very fixed for him as it is client facing (in person) every day. For me, I can work remotely 4 days a week.

I don’t want to buy with him because I feel that puts me in an even weaker position. I’d be helping him buy a house and then accepting that I have to cut hours for childcare as work will be flexible but jot flexible enough for me to work full time. We could get childcare full time but it would be very expensive. He’s said he would pay but I can’t know for sure that he would. It’s likely I would drop a day at work and then have to juggle things. I would resent that as I have no family support here and I feel like it’s being inflicted on me a bit. My head is spinning with it all.

If he reneges on paying half childcare - and you don't know he will- you could decide to move back to Manchester then at that point.

I don’t think it would fair to keep your house in your name but want the house he buys is shared.

I think it’s very unlikely he would refuse to pay childcare if you are together and you are working. However, if you split he may do.

Not sure why you don’t just get married then everything you both own is shared.

Op, consider what would happen if you split up. Might help to see the risks.

You would have to stay in Nottingham - especially if child at school. You could go to court to fight it but you may not win and would cost at least £10k to challenge it.

Financially you would keep your house, he would keep his and your dp would only have to pay CMS, look it up, approx 10% of his salary each month. It's a very small amount.

Pension - you would keep yours and he would keep his. I assume if you drop hours your pension will drop. It will be an issue in 20 years when he can retire and you can't.

Just work through each step and figure out how you would cope.

I hope it isn't the case but 50% of relationships fail, often the pressure of children makes men feel resentful due to having to cut back on their social life, hobbies and having to contribute to childcare.

Presuming you know all this already?
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences (link to citizens advice bureau website on the legal differences between being legally single, and married)
It wouldn’t be a great idea to sacrifice your earnings or financial security for a boyfriend.

Something else to think about ..if you are not married but have children ..then you absolutely must get a will. Trust me if you don't it's a nightmare as you will not automatically be entitled to the house .
Your child will inherit

Absolutely no one is telling you to ‘get rid of your baby’ - just suggesting why on earth if you are going to make this unbreakable connection to each other, why isn’t marriage on the cards?

and to answer your question- just make sure you are on all the deeds. If he won’t put you on the deeds, then you’ve got yourself someone who will happily use you as a rent-a-womb and convenient girlfriend, but actually doesn’t see you as a partner

Why would anybody pay half the mortgage of a property they don't own ( OP's suggestion ) and why would anybody in their right mind put somebody else's name on the deeds of a property they own, where the owner pays the mortgage all the utilities, maintenance and insurance ?. Doesn't make sense unless you are soft in the head.

Is there a reason you don't want the legal protections of marriage?

Have you got much equity in your house?

Would it be equal to a deposit he puts down on his house?

I think as long as the values are roughly equal then it seems a pretty fair arrangement for you each to own a house.

What would worry me far more is his abdication of responsibility for childcare before the poor child is even born!

Does he actually want a child?

If so why is it all your job to arrange childcare? It seems like he might think that's all on you?

Just get married? That would solve the problem.

You don’t even have to tell people you’ve done it. Just a tiny lunch hour registry office thing then take you witnesses out to lunch if you can/want to.

I don't really get this part about him paying for childcare but then not doing it. Surely the childcare will just be another family expense, like food or bills? How do you pay those?

We did this. I mean we were engaged, one of those long lazy engagements that we figured would drag on .... and then I got pregnant and we booked the registry office for three months later. We had a big party too, but I'll be honest that the wedding was driven by practicality.

I love my husband, until DD came along he was my favourite person, but we got married so that he had next of kin status, so that we were protected financially, so that we all had the same surname.
I don't regret the wedding or how we got married for a second. It was still one of the happiest days of my life.

It's fascinating that he views the obligation to care for his own child as something optional where he can say "nah, too hard, you'll have to make it work, I'm out" and that be fine rather than abhorrent.

Whereas you don't view caring for your child as optional and you haven't shrugged it off onto someone else. In fact you're trying to carry the entire responsibility for caring for your shared child. Why? Is he not the father?

Has he actually made a flexible working application as he is entitled to do (rather than just saying there's no point)? Has he considered jacking his career and pension in the bin? Looked at relocating? Spent a single moment worrying over how to fulfil his parenting obligations?

Or just shrugged and said "no can do, over to you" because he views it as your job as the woman to do all that?

If he hasn't done any of the former then he's not decent and lovely and he needs a reality check about what being a parent means.

The comparison here is not between childcare costs and your lost wages for the same hours - it is between lost career development, lost pension contributions (employer and yours), lost pension growth on those contributions over your entire working life, lost lifetime earnings due to the step back. It's a huge cost for you and zero for him.

Childcare is the cheap option. Tax-free childcare scheme means government pays some of the cost if you register for it.

Given he wants you to take on all the risk I’d be insisting that you move to Manchester together.
I feel like your instincts are telling you something is wrong. Him buying a house in Nottingham now would trap you there. I’m wondering - why now??
Is there no one at his work that works part time? Again I find it hard to believe that he can’t work part time. I’m struggling to think of jobs where absolutely no one in that role can work part time (other than politicians or CEOs ).

Move to Manchester now.

If surgeons can work part time, I'm struggling to think of the profession he could be in where making a flexible working application to reduce or change his hours in any way whatsoever to meet his parental obligations is impossible.

I don't see anyone suggesting you terminate your pregnancy. I do see people questioning why you are accepting the notion that all of this is solely your responsibility to bear because you're female.

Why can't you push back against his abdication of duty to his child?

@Fireflygal thanks that’s a really helpful breakdown. He earns 110k so I think I would get circa 1k a month. I hate even thinking that though as I know he not a horrible person.

@cornflakedreams his best friend is a surgeon and apparently was unable to go part time. He often mentions this and draws parraells with his job as he has to see clients face to face everyday. He seems to think nobody can go part time or drop a day. I would feel much better if he did that as it would feel shared.

Since you’re already more firmly on the property ladder than he is, I wouldn’t be too concerned. Paying childcare fees is normal. Just make sure you split them 50/50.

and that instead we should be close to my family, where he pays half my mortgage or something and where I wouldn’t have to have childcare or cut a day a work unless I wanted to.

So you’d get free full time childcare from family in Manchester?

I am starting to think Mumsnet should be equally concerned about older women protecting themselves from childcare slavery when they’re grandmothers. We already do quite well at warning unmarried women not to be SAHPs.

@cornflakedreams i think I agree with every single thing you said.

OP I did just want to say I worried a lot about various “what if” scenarios when I was pregnant. I think you are sensible to get advice from people wiser; I didn’t and regretted it.