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Original poster

We are not married, is this a risky thing for me to do?

114 replies

PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:25

Me and DP have been together over 7 years, I’m mid 30s hes late 30s. Before I get into this, DP is great. He’s never really been funny about money and he’s generally kind and sensitive. We live in a rented place in Nottingham and DP works in town, I work remotely but often have to travel to Manchester for work. This system has been ok for the last 3 years. He pays the rent and I pay the mortgage on my own house (in Manchester) which I left to move in with him 3 years ago. We agreed this was fair as he would have been paying rent anyway and I didn’t want to get rid of my house. Now that I’m pregnant DP has suggested he buys a place in Nottingham for us. All fine except…we are not married. He says he would pay the mortgage so I would still pay mine as usual and he would cover all bills in the new house as he has done over the last 3 years.

This seems to be a fair arrangement…however, I am aware that either I will have to cut my hours down the line or we will need to pay childcare costs. This is because my family are all based in Manchester and obviously not within reach to help us in Nottingham. I’ve started wondering if I am doing the right thing financially? DP is absolutely great and I don’t think he would ever take the piss but a friend said the other day that she thought me cutting my hours and relying on him when we are not married is actually risky and that instead we should be close to my family, where he pays half my mortgage or something and where I wouldn’t have to have childcare or cut a day a work unless I wanted to.

I have always trusted DP but then everyone does until it goes wrong. Is this too risky? Just wondering what others would do. He’s not keen on moving to Manchester as he has a very active social life in Nottingham and went to uni here etc so it’s very much home to him. I like it too but like Manchester equally!

OP posts:
Sortilege · 06/05/2022 19:17

PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 17:35

@Discovereads I think this is part of the problem, I want to be able to cut a day but I don’t want a liability of childcare costs on the other days where I would have no other support. It’s ok for him to say he would pay for it but then if it comes to it and he didn’t, I’m left in a full time job, stuck paying for childcare and miles from family.

I feel so mean saying this as he is a lovely man. But you never know do you.

Show quote history

If you work, you need childcare. Most people pay handsomely for childcare. If you have a partner, they should pay half. If you split up l, they should pay CM.

Saying you want to work, want a baby, want childcare, but “don’t want the liability of childcare costs” is nonsensical.

If you want to lock him into more legal responsibility, ask him to get married.

Those are the facts and the options.

Original poster
PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 19:20

He has slightly more earning potential but I probably have more inherited money than him. I’m not too bothered about marriage from that perspective.

What is getting to me is this fact that I suddenly thought what if we split up and I’m in Nottingham in his house. That would be a scary prospect.

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 06/05/2022 19:21

I think the fact that you own a home and are amaking money on it as an investment while he pays rent that gives him nothing in the end more than equalizes the situation. You could be renting out your property and using that money for needs but instead it is sitting empty.

You already have the better financial deal in this relationship.

Starseeking · 06/05/2022 19:23

It sounds like you need to have a proper sit-down conversation about what area you see your long-term future in. Once you have the baby, finish maternity leave, and have DC in childcare, applying for reception comes round very quickly. Then when DC are in school it becomes harder to move if there's no pull to a new area.

If you are planning to get married at some point, I'd recommend you do it before the baby comes. I didn't, my EXDP always had an excuse, and after being engaged for 5 years, I left him at 40. Have you discussed marriage at all? If not, given you have a baby coming a practical discussion about it is really important to have.

Sortilege · 06/05/2022 19:25

PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 19:20

He has slightly more earning potential but I probably have more inherited money than him. I’m not too bothered about marriage from that perspective.

What is getting to me is this fact that I suddenly thought what if we split up and I’m in Nottingham in his house. That would be a scary prospect.

Why would it be scary? You have property, family money and a well paid career. That makes you more financially secure than most people. You also have the prospect of free family childcare, which is a huge financial bonus in itself. If you split, you could arrange to live somewhere else.

Is there something else going on in the background, because your anxiety doesn’t seem to correlate with the facts?

aloris · 06/05/2022 19:28

What it looks like to me is that you are the one taking all the risks. His buying a house that will be in his name is primarily a benefit to him. It does not increase YOUR security at all. What can he do to show you that he is serious about willing to share the sacrifices of having a child? He won't move to Manchester. So, he's not willing to do anything to show willingness to share the burden, but you're supposed to take it on faith that after you have the baby he will contribute to childcare.

Marriage would give you some security but as others pointed out it is not perfect security as, if you divorced, child maintenance is not very much. Certainly not enough to compensate for the career setback of you being the primary caregiver.

I think it's important to be somewhat reserved about a man who starts out by expecting you to sacrifice now, and who at the same time declares that at some point in the distant future, he will also sacrifice, but that he can't sacrifice now because this and because that and because the other thing. The distant future will never arrive. There will always be some excuse why he can't sacrifice now, but the carrot will be swung (always just out of reach) that at some future point, he, too, will sacrifice. Reality: the person sacrificing will always be you. Just my opinion.

Original poster
PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 19:30

@Sortilege I have huge anxiety and have had it all my life. I am not someone who doesn’t think of the worst case scenario. I don’t know how much of that is going on here or how much of it is actual risk. I’m booked in with a therapist next week as I feel so anxious.

When I say I have family money, I mean I will eventually inherit maybe 500k (current value) which will be taxed obviously. So we are not talking mega wealth where I can pack in my job.

i have a 100k mortgage on a 300k property so again it’s not like I can just afford to not work etc.

very luckily I have 6 months full pay maternity so I could save then a bit.

I am an extreme worrier to the extent that writing this down is giving me mild chest pain. I am aware that’s not normal but it makes it hard for me to have perspective sometimes…I just spiral into a panic and can’t see the wood for the trees.

My DP wouldn’t do anything unkind financially I don’t think. But you read all sorts don’t you. I have no idea where I fare with other women as money is not talked about …I just see glossy lives and seemingly easy financial situations so I feel like I have failed already.

OP posts:
Moodycow78 · 06/05/2022 19:34

Honestly in your position I wouldn't cut my hours, put baby in nursery and split the costs 50/50 and don't cut your hours, until you're married everything should be 50/50 IMO.

Wherearemymarbles · 06/05/2022 19:34

If you get married he has rights over your house.
so i dont necessarily think you have the protection of marriage.

so i see this as a 50/50 call. Nothing in life is risk free

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/05/2022 19:34

Sorry if I've missed it OP but is there a reason you two don't want to get married?

Sortilege · 06/05/2022 19:36

PassThePebs · 06/05/2022 19:30

@Sortilege I have huge anxiety and have had it all my life. I am not someone who doesn’t think of the worst case scenario. I don’t know how much of that is going on here or how much of it is actual risk. I’m booked in with a therapist next week as I feel so anxious.

When I say I have family money, I mean I will eventually inherit maybe 500k (current value) which will be taxed obviously. So we are not talking mega wealth where I can pack in my job.

i have a 100k mortgage on a 300k property so again it’s not like I can just afford to not work etc.

very luckily I have 6 months full pay maternity so I could save then a bit.

I am an extreme worrier to the extent that writing this down is giving me mild chest pain. I am aware that’s not normal but it makes it hard for me to have perspective sometimes…I just spiral into a panic and can’t see the wood for the trees.

My DP wouldn’t do anything unkind financially I don’t think. But you read all sorts don’t you. I have no idea where I fare with other women as money is not talked about …I just see glossy lives and seemingly easy financial situations so I feel like I have failed already.

That’s not a bad financial position. You have a good job, solid equity in your house, and expect to inherit.

If you drop to four days and he doesn’t step up to help, or you split up, you can easily go back to full time. You won’t have damaged your career significantly by working a four day week for a while.

Honestly, there isn’t too much to worry about here on the financial side.

Maybe the relationship itself is what is making you uneasy?

titchy · 06/05/2022 19:36

What is getting to me is this fact that I suddenly thought what if we split up and I’m in Nottingham in his house. That would be a scary prospect.

Would it help to break down exactly what is the scary thing about that? Is it the possibility of being stuck in Nottingham? Is it the possibility of not having anywhere to live? Is it the possibility of becoming a single parent?

titchy · 06/05/2022 19:37

Moodycow78 · 06/05/2022 19:34

Honestly in your position I wouldn't cut my hours, put baby in nursery and split the costs 50/50 and don't cut your hours, until you're married everything should be 50/50 IMO.

Given he earns over £100k he should be contributing a lot more than 50%!

Flittingaboutagain · 06/05/2022 19:37

This is one of the reasons we had a lovely small registry office wedding and a meal at the local pub when baby was four months old. It's really important to benefit from the legal safeguards of marriage when you have children.

wishingitwasfriday · 06/05/2022 19:47

I can't work out why on earth you aren't renting your house out. If it's worth £300,000 then you'd probably get at least £1000 a month, which would cover the mortgage and a huge chunk of the childcare. Also, it's maddening to me that there is an empty property that could be housing a family.

Misty999 · 06/05/2022 19:55

Totally agree rent the house out and use the income to pay childcare or go PT and use the income from the rent as a top up.

Thehonestybox · 06/05/2022 20:09

This entire thing just seems like the opposite of a problem.

  • great lovely DP who's never indicated anything like this financially and has offered to pay for childcare
-baby's father on a £110k salary -a completely empty house in Manchester with £200k equity ready to sell or move in at anytime -a £500k family inheritance due one day

Its just not a problem

Hutchy16 · 06/05/2022 20:10

I don’t understand what is risky. You are splitting things, you pay for the Manchester house and he pays for the Nottingham one.

if you split you would be fine because you have a Manchester house to go to if you needed.

maybe I’m missing the point.

Hutchy16 · 06/05/2022 20:13

I do think you need to stop reading the nonsense that gets posted on MN though. If your husband is kind and trustworthy that is all that matters - people on here don’t come to tell good stories, only bad, don’t let that sway your thoughts on your life

MoveMeNow · 06/05/2022 20:25

If you're in a committed relationship and you both want this baby why not just get married. It would sort out all these worries. If neither of you wants to make that commitment then maybe that tells you something also.

Coffeetree · 06/05/2022 20:36

OP do you have wills and Powers of Attorney docs sorted?

Coffeetree · 06/05/2022 20:39

You don't have to answer OP but is the reason for not getting married that he's still technically married to someone else? If so then she'll be the one inheriting House etc.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 06/05/2022 20:54

You already have the better financial deal in this relationship.

Up to now you have had the best deal. You have been paying off a mortgage whilst you live rent free elsewhere, if you walk now you are winning. You are also not thinking about this relationship as a team, you don't want to take on a extra mortgage together.

If it was the other way round everyone would say you were a cock lodger.

However, anyone can do anything unkind especially when finances are involved. As you have 200k in equity I'd suggest you get legal advice.

RowanAlong · 06/05/2022 21:28

Do you like Nottingham enough to stay there, and send your child to school there?
Do you want to get married?
Does he?

ZenNudist · 06/05/2022 23:58

You could see a lawyer and sign up to a no nup so set out what he is going to do to support you if you split. Including saying you can move back to family in Manchester.

To be honest you sound really lukewarm about him. This is not the way to go into a long term relationship. A child is a bigger commitment than marriage. Truly stuck together for life.

It sounds like you'd be better off moving back to Manchester if he's not wanting to pull his weight with your dc.

The fact is that many people have busy jobs that pre-children you can't imagine doing part time. We all adjust. My job my clients expect me to be on call to them 7 days a week. I still work part time and have boundaries so that I am not available at weekends and on my non work day Except in extreme circumstances. It's not easy but I've made it work and am on track to partnership so the world is changing. No need to be stuck in the dark ages.

If his company won't be flexible he should move to one that is. In Manchester!

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