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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Panic attack /husband can not get up in the morning

115 replies

micci124 · 05/05/2022 09:40

Hiya all.

Just needed to offload, because I don't feel it's safe to talk to anyone.
I'm a nursing student with two kids aged 9 and 15 and married.
We only have one car that we share. (monetary decision) This morning I have a lecture 30 miles away so I get the train and require a lift to the station and walk the 4 miles back home as other half needs car for work. Problem is he doesn't get up early enough and it becomes a problem as his rushing around stresses me..I sometimes get the train by the skin of my teeth. He says getting up earlier isn't compatible with his schedule completely neglecting my stress levels and schedule. This morning was awful.i got up an hour before I had to leave, made kids breakfast, made husband and my lunch but I didn't end up going into uni at all..he tidied up all the coats the week before and couldn't tell me where he had put mine..it was 10 minutes before we had to leave for the station..he STILL hadn't eaten breakfast or packed his work bag and was constantly reminding me of this whilst frantically searching for my coat....and he was shouting because I was stressed about the mislaid coat he mislaid and he couldn't tell me where it was...it all just got too much and at 7.55 I knew I wasn't going to make my train so in tears and felt I was having a panic attack..so I cancelled my ticket. Just feel that my feelings aren't heard or considered. My nursing degree is important to me and I just feel my husband just gets in the way sometimes. I cannot afford a second car so I'm reliant on him for the lift..but at what cost? I just want to get up, do my stuff in a chilled way and leave on time with none of his drama which is caused by his not getting up an hour before with me. He just refuses to get up as it's not compatible with his schedule..yet it impacts mine. He doesn't understand my feelings at all. I don't have anyone to talk to as he bollocks me for embarrassing him when I talk to friends about it. Sigh

OP posts:

gamerchick · 05/05/2022 09:46

Tell him if he won't get up, he needs to collect the car from the train station if he wants it.

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2022 09:47

Why do you not feel it safe to talk to anyone?

It sounds as if he is deliberately sabotaging you

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 05/05/2022 09:48

Agree op can you find another way to the strain not reliant on him?

Sounds really tough

AnOldCynic · 05/05/2022 09:51

user1474315215 · 05/05/2022 09:52

If he's not ready when you need to leave, take the car and leave it at the station. Better still, drive to work and leave him to make his own arrangements.

Original poster

micci124 · 05/05/2022 09:53

All our friends are mutual and he gets embarrassed if I talk to them about stuff like this and then won't have anything to do with said friends because he feels embarrassed. Leaves me nowhere to go really because it creates an autmosphere.
.

OP posts:

Clymene · 05/05/2022 09:53

Your husband is sabotaging you

Dragongirl10 · 05/05/2022 09:54

He is sabotaging your career...put a stop to this now.
He needs the car for work ? well you need the car for your course....
Give him one chance to be ready on time telling him you will take the car if he is not ready in x time....then just do it, no arguing, stressing, just do exactly as you said...he has to realise that it is not acceptable to ruin your future.

He could have ..
Missed breakfast
bought lunch for one day
you could have worn another coat.

I would have just walked out the door got in the car and driven to the station, no way would l have missed my course.

endofthelinefinally · 05/05/2022 09:55

He is sabotaging you. Does he want to stop you getting a degree/ job/ independence? Does he control you in other ways?
A nursing degree is really tough because of the travel involved. Talk to your tutor or students union rep. There should be pastoral support through your university.

PuggyMum · 05/05/2022 09:58

How much is a taxi to the station?

I'd book one and leave him to it. Or do you have friends that can take you?

He's being a twat.

TeeBee · 05/05/2022 10:01

Agree with everyone else. Just take the car and text him where to find it. Tell him you'll be doing the same every single time he's not ready on time. You'll probably only have to do it once. Absolutely ridiculous situation.

TeeBee · 05/05/2022 10:02

Why should OP do this? He's the one not getting ready on time. Let him find an alternative way to get to work!

WTF475878237NC · 05/05/2022 10:03

I think he is very selfish and is deliberately sabotaging your career too

You should have driven yourself to the station and borrowed his coat. Let him walk to pick it up with the second key.

HairyBum · 05/05/2022 10:07

Drive yourself to the station and he can collect car

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2022 10:07

First of all, fuck making that arseholes lunch.

Secondly, stop allowing him to rule the roost. Take the car and he can walk to work for take other transport. He is trying to prevent you from going to uni. You may want to reflect on that.

HairyBum · 05/05/2022 10:08

Keep talking to your friends about it and how stressful you find mornings

RandomMess · 05/05/2022 10:08

I.agree take the car and let him deal with the consequences

Hexen · 05/05/2022 10:08

hes sabotaging

you need to find a way to cut him out of the equation. Can you cycle to the station? Or book a taxi?

in your shoes though, I’d just have fucked off in the car.

HairyBum · 05/05/2022 10:09

He can always bike to get the car. Or get a bike yourself so you’re not reliant on him at all and can get home quicker end of day

Original poster

micci124 · 05/05/2022 10:12

I think I'm going to have to get Taxi's to the station...but it's just money...

OP posts:

BigSkies22 · 05/05/2022 10:13

I often read posts on here from people who say they miss trains, planes, dates and all kinds of important stuff because they cannot get ready to time. It's some kind of ADHD/higher executive functioning difficulty. I am a bit sceptical, but try and rein that in because, you know, you need to live it to know it.

So let's say that your husband has got a problem, for neurodiversity reasons, getting ready to your schedule, and that he is not deliberately sabotaging your career. How often do you need to get this train? Why can't you get a cab to the station that day? Take it out of the joint account. If it's four miles, can it really be so expensive?

I realise you want him to be helpful and supportive and just fucking get ready on time, and that would be ideal. But rather than have this stress on a regular basis, just remove the immediate cause, crack on with your course, and tackle the husband issue when you have more headspace.

growinggreyer · 05/05/2022 10:15

How much money will you lose over your lifetime if you don't complete your studies compared to the cost of a taxi? But I wouldn't bank on being able to get a taxi at that time of the morning, so the bike idea or taking the car and texting him where to find it might be more practical.

RandomUser10093 · 05/05/2022 10:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Shanksponyorbust · 05/05/2022 10:18

You share a car, it’s as much yours as his.

Reminds me of my exH wanting to “share” a car which was actually him going to work in it, him going to his hobby in it on Saturday and his meeting friends in it on Sunday. Needless to say we didn’t go down to one car despite his disgruntlement.

He won’t get up, he is sabotaging you. As others have said you take the car, tell him where it’s parked and he can sort himself out after all he is an adult.

This will either sort out his twattish behaviour sharpish and you’ll be much happier or you’ll realise the twattish behaviour is here to stay and you’ll use your nursing training to get away and you’ll be happier. Short term will be rocky, hope it works out as you want. Best of luck

NettleTea · 05/05/2022 10:22

get a bike or a moped. Make yourself independant from him - is this a regular thing? I too suspect, along with the 'not allowed to talk about it' that this is the tip of a controlling iceburg.

You need to prioritise getting to Uni and getting a job, because I suspect you may be wanting to support yourself sooner than you think once you start making decisions that dont allow him to sabotage your ambitions

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