Panic attack /husband can not get up in the morning

[micci124]

Hiya all.

Just needed to offload, because I don't feel it's safe to talk to anyone.
I'm a nursing student with two kids aged 9 and 15 and married.
We only have one car that we share. (monetary decision) This morning I have a lecture 30 miles away so I get the train and require a lift to the station and walk the 4 miles back home as other half needs car for work. Problem is he doesn't get up early enough and it becomes a problem as his rushing around stresses me..I sometimes get the train by the skin of my teeth. He says getting up earlier isn't compatible with his schedule completely neglecting my stress levels and schedule. This morning was awful.i got up an hour before I had to leave, made kids breakfast, made husband and my lunch but I didn't end up going into uni at all..he tidied up all the coats the week before and couldn't tell me where he had put mine..it was 10 minutes before we had to leave for the station..he STILL hadn't eaten breakfast or packed his work bag and was constantly reminding me of this whilst frantically searching for my coat....and he was shouting because I was stressed about the mislaid coat he mislaid and he couldn't tell me where it was...it all just got too much and at 7.55 I knew I wasn't going to make my train so in tears and felt I was having a panic attack..so I cancelled my ticket. Just feel that my feelings aren't heard or considered. My nursing degree is important to me and I just feel my husband just gets in the way sometimes. I cannot afford a second car so I'm reliant on him for the lift..but at what cost? I just want to get up, do my stuff in a chilled way and leave on time with none of his drama which is caused by his not getting up an hour before with me. He just refuses to get up as it's not compatible with his schedule..yet it impacts mine. He doesn't understand my feelings at all. I don't have anyone to talk to as he bollocks me for embarrassing him when I talk to friends about it. Sigh

You haven't said why you won't take the car and leave it at the train station. Are you scared of him?

I don't understand what you gain from this grim sounding marriage.

when I read this, it feels like my grandparents generation.
The assumption is that his needs and his car his job etc come first.

OP, the car belongs to both of you. You have as much right to it as he does.
So with a normal couple, that means that you negotiate how to make that work.
If one person does what your dh is doing, then they are not working as a team, they are not putting you as a couple first, they are putting themselves first.
Your comment about him being a typical selfish man. I don't buy that.
My dh and my son, father, brothers etc, do not behave like this.
yes there may be some huffing and frustration at having to change things round, but fundamentally they understand that you BOTH have to work together to make this work, and that means both of you making an effort. Getting up is not compatible with his schedule But you are a family, and the schedule has to work for the whole family, he is not a single person.

There is definitely an element of sabotage here. He is not willing to put himself out by one tiny bit to make your studies possible.
You already walk 4 miles to and from uni and 4 mile back from the station. That is about 3 x as much as I would be willing to do.

Time for a serious talk. Either he gets on board, and supports you properly, or you will just leave with the car at 7:45. If he is not ready, then he can walk/taxi/stay at home. I would do this to make the point that it is not HIS car.

But then practically I would also think about other ways to make this work, so I didn't have to have the battle. Bike, motobike, taxi etc.

Everything he’s doing sounds like deliberate sabotage. He doesn’t want you to have success or a life of your own.

If he’s competent enough at work that he’s being promoted, I refuse to believe he’s so incompetent at home as to not be able to get out of bed or remember where he put a fucking coat.

Get a bike / scooter / moped. Very little running costs and you'd be free of your controlling husband.

Great idea. He can find his own way of getting to work. You can take a relaxing drive to the station with your favourite radio station on.

Has he ever lost his own coat?

This selfish selfish man sounds awful. You're walking 4 miles each time you need to go to your course, and he still can't be bothered getting up on time. I'd take the car at the time you are ready to leave the house and tell him to pick it up from the station.

He will of course blame you for him being late for work, and won't appreciate he could have avoided all of this by giving you a lift in the first place. He doesn't sound like he is working as a team with you at all.

Don't make excuses for him, it's not that he doesn't think, he does, he just can't be bothered and does not want to support your nursing career. If he cared, he wouldn't sabotage you in this way.

He does not see you as his equal. He does not value your time or career. You need to make yourself independent of him and let him sort himself out. Assuming he has his own employment, then he should be fully capable of making his own lunch and taking his own kids to school. What will you do when you actually get a nursing job? Just not show up for your patients?? Yes a taxi will cost money but think of it rather as an investment. If you fail your placement think of the cost in wasted time, earnings and fees. It will far outweigh a few taxis.
Both me and my DH have busy professional jobs. We either fully support each other with the logistics of working or we agree to make our own arrangements. We'd never treat the other the way your DH is.

Early bird gets the car.

If he doesn't get up, drive the car to the station, leave it there and catch your train. He can walk or thumb a lift or get on his bike to fetch it.

Just take the car to the station & he can pick it up when he's got his act together. Don't fuck up your career because he's a twat. Put your career first. He clearly only thinks of himself.

This is awful. Not only does he not care about whether you get to the station on time, you also have to walk 4 miles home. That is a long walk after a day's study etc.

You are going to have to sort it out one way or another it cannot go on like this. So you either -

Take the car if he is not ready.
Walk to and from the station.
Leave him and have a more ordered contented life.

Just wondered if he takes the kids to school and who collects them. Maybe they can walk there. I could not tolerate an attitude like his from husband and father of my kids. But I think he sees your life as being unimportant. Better if you stay at home and make lunches for everyone.

I was going to ask who does the school run

Th thing is, even if he is a 'gardem type variety selfisg man' the effect is still the same.

• You didnt go to Uni today.
• Each day you need to go, he is making that difficult
• He acts selfishly not wanting to get up earlier 'because it doesnt fit his schedule'. Just think about that one. HIS schedule is important. YOU have to fit around it, not the other way aorund....
• He doesnt want you to talk to yoour friends about it because he is uncomfortable and then 'it leaves an atmosphere'. So basically he knows he is not behaving well. He doesnt want you to fully realise how bad it is (and he certainly doesnt want to loose his good reputation). And then he is punishing you for not doing as you are told if you do get support in RL.

He really isnt coming out very well.

And you miht want to think more carefully at how much he is actually supporting you in getting that qualification. It nearly sounds like he is fearful that he might lose his position as the 'main breadwinner' in the house tbh.

How far away is his job?

Yours is 1/2 days a week. He can certainly find another way to work those 2 days so you can have the car.

Did he get a pay rise with his promotion?
Could you afford a nice ebike or vespa?

I also assume this must be the case. It's the obvious, natural consequence of his actions. And it would work. Pretty bloody quickly IMO.

And I have ADHD so does DD. It doesn't make us arseholes. The coat thing maybe, the lift thing absolutely not. I'd over-compensate and sit ready for two hours. Never 'on time' but I can be horribly early as well as late.

So you were in tears and on the verge of what felt like a panic attack, what did he do at that point? He sounds like an absolute arse.

God I would be so cross.

Honestly this weekend I would sit him down and thrash out what you all need for this family to go forward.

Could his big important promotion stretch to a fold-up bike for you perhaps? If you want one then you could cycle both ends of the train commute and take bike on train.

But whatever I would thrash out what you need.

I haven't needed a car until recently I have one but we could of done without but now both of us need a car. His for work mine for kids. They are both essential, it wasn't presented to my Mr as an option, in fact he said it was more important at the moment I had a car then he did. This is teamwork, life is complicated enough.

Tell him you need Saturday morning alone in peace to catch up with what you missed today, even if in reality you don't and just read a fiction book. Also tell him that dictating what you can talk about to whom is not for him to dictate as long as you don't outright lie he can't control your words. If he doesn't want to "look bad" in front of your friends he just has to stop being a grunt then there would be nothing but fun and praise to tell them about.

Hope tomorrow morning easier OP.

There's a very simple solution - you drive the car to the station in the morning and he walks to pick it up just like you walk home in the evening. Please don't pander to his selfishness by getting a taxi but I would seriously consider investing in a fold-up bike (look for 2nd hand) so you have a quick means of transport for all parts of your journey and not hanging around waiting for your dick of a husband.

As an aside, is DH not home to pick you up? 4 miles is a long walk at the end of a long shift/day

I agree that you just take the car if he's not ready. He should deal with the consequences of his behaviour, not you.

If he doesn't want to look bad, then he shouldn't act bad.

Also agreed that if he can;t haul himself out of bed for you one morning a week, then you take the car and he gets a taxi to retrieve it.

You keep saying it's not compatible with his schedule as if that were a real thing. This is what he says to you, I assume, when you ask him to get up on time to give you a lift to the station. His schedule is not some set-in-stone thing that you all have to work around. It's dependent on the needs of the other people in the house, and his employer - I assume he doesn't turn up four hours late for work and say sorry, getting here earlier wasn't compatible with my schedule.

Why can't you take the car and he can collect it from the station?

Obvs some of the morning stress could be avoided by prepping the night before - put out the coats (although I still don't understand how anyone can lose a coat in their own house), do the lunches, pack the work bags. However, I suspect that he is trying to sabotage you and would just find other reasons to make the morning as stressful as possible/risk you missing the train.

Was it not worth turning up to the lecture late if you missed the first train? I have to say, I could not cope with this at all - I always leave ludicrous amounts of time to get a train as I hate, hate being at risk of not catching it.

It’s not ‘his’ car, you are married so you both own the car.

Do you drive? Could you cycle to station if he needs the car? If you want to continue your studies take him out of the logistics and focus on getting yourself there. Also get prepared the evening before so you know where coat etc are. Agree he sounds as if he is deliberately stalling so you give up.

OP you haven't responded to any of the comments telling you to take the car & leave him to collect it.

Are you frightened of his reaction? Your comments about him not liking you speaking to friends about things make him sound controlling.

Is he controlling?

How many car keys are there? Get one on your keyring or in your handbag today. I have a funny feeling that the usual car key might get 'lost' if you say in advance you are taking the car.
Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.