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Original poster

Panic attack /husband can not get up in the morning

115 replies

micci124 · 05/05/2022 09:40

Hiya all.

Just needed to offload, because I don't feel it's safe to talk to anyone.
I'm a nursing student with two kids aged 9 and 15 and married.
We only have one car that we share. (monetary decision) This morning I have a lecture 30 miles away so I get the train and require a lift to the station and walk the 4 miles back home as other half needs car for work. Problem is he doesn't get up early enough and it becomes a problem as his rushing around stresses me..I sometimes get the train by the skin of my teeth. He says getting up earlier isn't compatible with his schedule completely neglecting my stress levels and schedule. This morning was awful.i got up an hour before I had to leave, made kids breakfast, made husband and my lunch but I didn't end up going into uni at all..he tidied up all the coats the week before and couldn't tell me where he had put mine..it was 10 minutes before we had to leave for the station..he STILL hadn't eaten breakfast or packed his work bag and was constantly reminding me of this whilst frantically searching for my coat....and he was shouting because I was stressed about the mislaid coat he mislaid and he couldn't tell me where it was...it all just got too much and at 7.55 I knew I wasn't going to make my train so in tears and felt I was having a panic attack..so I cancelled my ticket. Just feel that my feelings aren't heard or considered. My nursing degree is important to me and I just feel my husband just gets in the way sometimes. I cannot afford a second car so I'm reliant on him for the lift..but at what cost? I just want to get up, do my stuff in a chilled way and leave on time with none of his drama which is caused by his not getting up an hour before with me. He just refuses to get up as it's not compatible with his schedule..yet it impacts mine. He doesn't understand my feelings at all. I don't have anyone to talk to as he bollocks me for embarrassing him when I talk to friends about it. Sigh

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 05/05/2022 11:51

Don't get taxis - take the car and he'll have to sort it. Reset your 'partnership' in a big way and how he reacts will be a big sign

EatTheToast · 05/05/2022 11:53

Take the bloody car and make him get taxis! Why should you?

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 05/05/2022 11:57

I don't have anyone to talk to as he bollocks me for embarrassing him when I talk to friends about it.

That bit alone sounds abusive to me. And yes of course he's sabotaging your future career.

Tallisimo · 05/05/2022 11:58

Glad you are starting to take back some control. It sounds as if his laziness when it comes to driving you to the station is just the tip of the iceberg. I hope he gets the message. - and if he doesn’t, make sure you put yourself first and get planning a twat-free future!

Dixiechickonhols · 05/05/2022 11:59

It’s not a one off. Tell him the set up isn’t working. You’ll be using car for Uni. He can make his own travel arrangements. Why are you running around making kids and him breakfast. Talk to who you want. He’s sabotaging you as he knows you are able to leave him more easily when you have a nurses job.

RandomMess · 05/05/2022 12:04

How could he get to work without the car?

If it's feasible I would take it all the way to uni. If it's not leave it at the station.

His attitude to your studies and future career are unforgivable.

Does he want to be the big I am, the god that you should all run around after? You being the inferior one because you "don't bring in the money"?

Please speak to student support at uni and tell them that he is sabotaging your attendance.

Flowers
Only4You · 05/05/2022 12:07

I wouldnt take a taxi.

I would take the car and let him walk the 2 miles to get the car at the station. After all, that's exactely wat you do everyday when you come back home right??

Taking a taxi means that he will be able to carry on wo ever beeing inconvenienced by it. And he'll be able to have a go at you for wasting money on a taxi when he could take you to the station....

DeskInUse · 05/05/2022 12:10

Best case scenario is he's a selfish arse, worst case, he's deliberately sabotaging you

If he's not ready to go, take the car and he can walk the 4 miles to the station to collect it!

TooManyPJs · 05/05/2022 12:10

BigSkies22 · 05/05/2022 10:13

I often read posts on here from people who say they miss trains, planes, dates and all kinds of important stuff because they cannot get ready to time. It's some kind of ADHD/higher executive functioning difficulty. I am a bit sceptical, but try and rein that in because, you know, you need to live it to know it.

So let's say that your husband has got a problem, for neurodiversity reasons, getting ready to your schedule, and that he is not deliberately sabotaging your career. How often do you need to get this train? Why can't you get a cab to the station that day? Take it out of the joint account. If it's four miles, can it really be so expensive?

I realise you want him to be helpful and supportive and just fucking get ready on time, and that would be ideal. But rather than have this stress on a regular basis, just remove the immediate cause, crack on with your course, and tackle the husband issue when you have more headspace.

Please don't be sceptical. I have ADHD and the struggle is real! I can tell you if I could stop my life feeling unmanageable and chaotic I would have done it years ago. It really isn't through lack of trying and the stress of trying to run my life for 30+ years has led to me now developing physical chronic illnesses. Not saying this is the OP's DH's problem as we don't know enough for that but I think a lot of people still don't believe in ADHD (like it's some sort of religion or something!), or don't understand it, or think it's all naughty hyperactive boys. Just want to try to raise awareness where I can and you seemed like you might be receptive to that ☺️

Either way ADHD or not I also think that the OP should just take the car if he isn't ready on time and it will then become his problem to deal with. He will just have to collect it from the station if he's not ready.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2022 12:12

Only4You · 05/05/2022 12:07

I wouldnt take a taxi.

I would take the car and let him walk the 2 miles to get the car at the station. After all, that's exactely wat you do everyday when you come back home right??

Taking a taxi means that he will be able to carry on wo ever beeing inconvenienced by it. And he'll be able to have a go at you for wasting money on a taxi when he could take you to the station....

I agree. Getting a taxi is a really bad idea and a waste of money. Stop letting him have all the control, and getting a taxi just perpetuates you being weak and subservient. Take the bloody car.

Katya213 · 05/05/2022 12:13

gamerchick · 05/05/2022 09:46

Tell him if he won't get up, he needs to collect the car from the train station if he wants it.

I was going to say this!

Midlifemusings · 05/05/2022 12:14

Take a taxi or uber to the station.

whynotwhatknot · 05/05/2022 12:23

Why do you run round after him-what does he do other than work for you and the family

i do wonder what will happen wen you get a job will he just let you walk everywhere

Orgasmagorical · 05/05/2022 12:32

You're now saying you'll get taxis to the station, OP. What do you think he would do if you just took the car?

He says he's embarrassed at your friends knowing about his behaviour but he won't do anything to change it, apart from stopping you talking to your friends.

Original poster
micci124 · 05/05/2022 12:39

I don't think he hid my coat on purpose, he tidied them away when we had friends around and he forgot repeatedly when I asked where he put them... and I really hope he isn't sabotaging me deliberately, otherwise it would literally break my heart. I just think he's your garden variety selfish man, who doesn't think.

OP posts:
mum61 · 05/05/2022 12:39

@micci124 You have a man child there im afraid.


  1. Tell him how his behaviour stresses you and makes you feel .

  2. .Tell him you need him to support you by getting up in sufficient time to take you comfortably to the station.

  3. Explain what the consequences will be if he does not help you.

  4. Ask him for his alternative suggestion as to how you get to the station on time .

  5. As for feeling embarrassed if you discuss his behaviour with friends .....tell him to not behave in a way as to embarrass himself then.

ProseccoStorm · 05/05/2022 12:41

micci124 · 05/05/2022 12:39

I don't think he hid my coat on purpose, he tidied them away when we had friends around and he forgot repeatedly when I asked where he put them... and I really hope he isn't sabotaging me deliberately, otherwise it would literally break my heart. I just think he's your garden variety selfish man, who doesn't think.

Unless you live in a mansion, there can only be so many places to tidy away a coat. I don't believe it's possible to not know where you put it. That can't be accidental

Hexen · 05/05/2022 12:46

Yeah, the coat thing. There’s no way that is benign.

Orgasmagorical · 05/05/2022 13:01

micci124 · 05/05/2022 12:39

I don't think he hid my coat on purpose, he tidied them away when we had friends around and he forgot repeatedly when I asked where he put them... and I really hope he isn't sabotaging me deliberately, otherwise it would literally break my heart. I just think he's your garden variety selfish man, who doesn't think.

I used to think that about my ex. Be careful, OP, they can be VERY good liars and actors. Yes, it is heartbreaking Flowers

Beware thinking he doesn't think, he very much does. You are in a state of distress before you go about your day; you are stressed enough about this to post on here and seek others' opinions; your thoughts are probably on him and this problem much of the time, am I right?

What your husband is doing works for him.

shortbob · 05/05/2022 13:01

I dont know about the coat thing. We have seemingly zillions of them in the front porch and they do get lost in the tidying.

But I wouldn't be making lunch or coffee for anyone who wasn't pulling their weight in the morning and I wouldn't be doing anything at all for someone standing in my way of gaining that degree - whether it's intentional or not.

If it's genuinely a shared car then it needs to leave in time to get you to the station for the train. If he's not ready then he'll have to get to work another way. But I would be doing everything I could to make yourself independent of him, in the morning at least.
Taxis, a bike or a second car - whichever works best for you but financed jointly since the existing car is joint but he's holding it hostage.

Good luck with your degree.

RachelGreeneGreep · 05/05/2022 13:19

ProseccoStorm · 05/05/2022 12:41

Unless you live in a mansion, there can only be so many places to tidy away a coat. I don't believe it's possible to not know where you put it. That can't be accidental

Show quote history

My thoughts exactly. There can't be many places that the tidied out of sight stuff could be, surely.

Itjustgetsbetter · 05/05/2022 13:20

I bet he’d remember a presentation for work and he’d be able to get somewhere on time if he needed to be there.

You need to sit down and talk to him. I would have everything you need ready the night before (let the lazy fuck make his own lunch). And he either gives you a lift or you leave the car there. Could you get a fold up bike? That said its only one day a week and it’s selfish he can’t get up for that one day.

ScatteredMama82 · 05/05/2022 13:30

How do the kids get to school? Does your DH take you to the station then go straight to work or is he coming back to get the kids and then go onwards to school?

4 miles isn't far, why don't you get yourself a bike then that removes the reliance on him for a lift?

I'll be perfectly honest, I don't know the background to your current situation so tell me I'm way off the mark by all means. If my DH decided to, e.g. sign up for a demanding course and a career change that meant less money, down to one car and also relied on me getting up earlier to facilitate him getting to said course I might not be that onboard with it. Just a thought.

BadNomad · 05/05/2022 13:42

Prioritise your course and don't rely on him to help you. That will be your way out in the future if/when you get fed up with his selfishness.

Prometheus · 05/05/2022 13:47

I agree that it sounds like he’s sabotaging your career. If he cannot support you going to lectures, imagine what he will be like when you do your nursing placements and need childcare cover or work night
shifts!!! I can see him refusing to pick up kids etc so you miss your shift.