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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Panic attack /husband can not get up in the morning

115 replies

micci124 · 05/05/2022 09:40

Hiya all.

Just needed to offload, because I don't feel it's safe to talk to anyone.
I'm a nursing student with two kids aged 9 and 15 and married.
We only have one car that we share. (monetary decision) This morning I have a lecture 30 miles away so I get the train and require a lift to the station and walk the 4 miles back home as other half needs car for work. Problem is he doesn't get up early enough and it becomes a problem as his rushing around stresses me..I sometimes get the train by the skin of my teeth. He says getting up earlier isn't compatible with his schedule completely neglecting my stress levels and schedule. This morning was awful.i got up an hour before I had to leave, made kids breakfast, made husband and my lunch but I didn't end up going into uni at all..he tidied up all the coats the week before and couldn't tell me where he had put mine..it was 10 minutes before we had to leave for the station..he STILL hadn't eaten breakfast or packed his work bag and was constantly reminding me of this whilst frantically searching for my coat....and he was shouting because I was stressed about the mislaid coat he mislaid and he couldn't tell me where it was...it all just got too much and at 7.55 I knew I wasn't going to make my train so in tears and felt I was having a panic attack..so I cancelled my ticket. Just feel that my feelings aren't heard or considered. My nursing degree is important to me and I just feel my husband just gets in the way sometimes. I cannot afford a second car so I'm reliant on him for the lift..but at what cost? I just want to get up, do my stuff in a chilled way and leave on time with none of his drama which is caused by his not getting up an hour before with me. He just refuses to get up as it's not compatible with his schedule..yet it impacts mine. He doesn't understand my feelings at all. I don't have anyone to talk to as he bollocks me for embarrassing him when I talk to friends about it. Sigh

OP posts:

Franklyfrost · 05/05/2022 10:24

Forget the coat, tell him you need to leave at quarter to exactly and if he’s not ready you’ll have to drive yourself to the station. He can then get himself to work however he can.

Alternatively but less fairly, four miles is a quick bike ride if you’d be able to do that.

Divebar2021 · 05/05/2022 10:25

Well he’s being an arse but if he won’t get up how can you make him? Are there other solutions?

You cycle to the station & he drives
You drive and he finds another way to work ( public transport, bike etc)
You drive and park halfway to the station and walk the rest. He walks to collect the car
You get a cab
He gets his arse out of bed.

TheCatterall · 05/05/2022 10:26

Agree with everyone else. Take the car and he can collect from station. See how that works with his schedule.

He’s not making your needs a priority or taking them into consideration and frankly making his lunch or doing anything for him would stop being part of my schedule.

tell him - and kids that the new thing is getting bags and coats ready the day before and have them by the door. Lunch’s done the night before and in the fridge.

if ‘someone’ (DH) is running late he has toast in the go.

Divebar2021 · 05/05/2022 10:27

Also when you say “I cannot afford a second car” do you mean the pair of you can’t or you singularly ?

Ellie56 · 05/05/2022 10:27

I agree, he is being a twat.

Make sure you've got everything you need, including your coat, ready the night before, and if he's not ready in time the next morning, take the car yourself.

And stop making his bloody lunch.

daretodenim · 05/05/2022 10:27

I agree he's sabotaging you. May not be a conscious decision but your studies have ZERO priority to him, or he'd make sure you never missed a lecture.

4 miles isn't that far on a bike - depending on what sort of roads/terrain (flat vs v hilly). Could you invest in one for getting there back? You'd need rain gear/change of clothes for bad weather, but it's cheaper than taxis and you'd have full control.

I'm also studying with a less than supportive DH so know how hard it is (was at uni age 19 with no kids and that was a breeze in comparison). Good for you for keeping going. Do not stop, delay or anything else with your studies if he becomes more difficult because ultimately it will bring you greater choice in life..which may be something he's not that happy about...

Badger1970 · 05/05/2022 10:29

He's doing this deliberately.

And it isn't the action of a man who loves or supports you.

It's actually quite cruel OP. So stop enabling him, stop giving him any support and start fighting your own corner here.

DenholmElliot · 05/05/2022 10:30

I agree with the others, he's deliberately sabotaging you and your qualification, spiteful man.

Tell him you're leaving at such and such a time and if he wants the car for the day, he needs to be ready at that time, otherwise you'll just take the car.

MyCommentWasDeleted · 05/05/2022 10:30

Sounds like you’ve got 3 kids, not 2! Use the car yourself, take it to the station, don’t make lunch for your husband or eldest (old enough to sort themselves out). Put yourself first and your husband will soon realise he’s being a twat.

womaninatightspot · 05/05/2022 10:33

I'd get a bike and cycle to the station. You can often get a free one at the recycling centre/ freecycle. Prioritise your learning it'll give you options when you ltb.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/05/2022 10:35

if you walk home can’t you just walk there in the morning to the train? Or get a bike?

Why are you making breakfast for a 9&15 year old and why are you making his lunch?

pack your own lunch night before - leave a bit earlier and leave your kids and husband to sort their own breakfasts and lunches 🙈

BackflandedCondiment · 05/05/2022 10:41

"I'm leaving at 7am tomorrow on the absolute dot. If you are not ready to drive me at that time I will drive myself and park at the station".

Then stick to it.

He then walks to collect car - so he does a 4 mile walk.

You then walk home - so you do.

Fair split, imo.

And stop making the lazy fecker's lunch

IcakethereforeIam · 05/05/2022 10:44

Get a folding bike, if he's late you take the car then he can ride to the station to collect it.

Original poster

micci124 · 05/05/2022 10:52

Thanks everyone.
I'm going to stop doing his lunch, laundry etc...and get Taxi's. Feel so upset about a situation that should never happen. We can't afford a second car and I can't walk to the station and back as it's another 2 miles from uni to the station. It's 12 miles a day walking. I can only do so much.
It isn't the first time he's let me down and I'm starting not to like him as a person. His job is important..if he loses it, we lose the house. I get that, but I go into uni 1/2 days a week. It isn't all that often. I feel like it's just an inconvenience to him..he got a promotion recently and he talked for hours about excitedly..and I was genuinely happy and excited for his success..but it isn't reciprocal in the slightest..oh and he NEVER makes my lunch, or buys me flowers or takes me on a surprise date. He's quite frankly just hard work.

OP posts:

BellBellBell · 05/05/2022 10:53

You're not a team, so start making your plans as if you're on your own. He's trying to control you through something he knows is important to you, so just take that power away.

Set everything ready for yourself the night before. Get up early, make breakfast for you and kids, make lunch for yourself and leave the house. Can't you walk to the station in the morning if you leave early enough? Could be nice. Listen to music, audiobook etc. Good exercise too.

Don't get into this power battle with him. Do it all without him. (And no lunch-making for the twat)

teacherorpreacher · 05/05/2022 11:17

agree with pp he is out to sabotage your degree your future career and a chance for you to be financially independent of this prick. Tell him he can get a bike walk to work or the station to pick up the car his choice but take the car take control of your life. He does not get to tell you what you can talk about and if he is embarrassed by your choice of subject then he stops behaving like a prick. Good luck with your career.

isurvived3under2 · 05/05/2022 11:20

Take the car, he will soon understand what it's like to be inconvenienced.

BriocheForBreakfast · 05/05/2022 11:32

user1474315215 · 05/05/2022 09:52

If he's not ready when you need to leave, take the car and leave it at the station. Better still, drive to work and leave him to make his own arrangements.

This!!

Take the car yourself - presumably you have a spare key. Park at the station and he can collect it. He'll soon get up on time if he doesn't want the hassle.

Sorry OP but your DH is being a selfish asshole.

VintageGibbon · 05/05/2022 11:36

Sort yourself out the night before. Make sure you know where your coat is etc. so there's less rush. And help him too - it's a partnership - so make coffee and make him breakfast to eat on the go. Maybe both of you lay out your clothes for next morning so everything is smooth and easy to organise.

If he still fails to meet his side of the deal, drive to the station and he can sort himself out from there.

VintageGibbon · 05/05/2022 11:36

Can you get a bike for commuting to the station?

notsilverfish · 05/05/2022 11:38

A bike is a good idea if it's a safe cycle. Then you are completely independent of him and his drama.

Clymene · 05/05/2022 11:38

TAKE THE CAR. It's not his car, it's the family's car.

And stop making him lunch and your kids breakfast on the days you're at Uni. Get your children behind you - explain how important it is. They're plenty old enough to do their own breakfast.

You need to reframe this as something that is important to you as a valued member of the family.

Get everything ready the night before. Tell your husband when you need to leave in the morning and that you will be driving to the station if he's not ready in time.

Clymene · 05/05/2022 11:39

VintageGibbon · 05/05/2022 11:36

If he still fails to meet his side of the deal, drive to the station and he can sort himself out from there.

Make him coffee and breakfast when she's already making his lunch? And he's sabotaging her career by hiding her coat and making her miss her train?

layladomino · 05/05/2022 11:42

It sounds like you're doing all the work. You're right to stop doing his packed lunches and cooking his meals. Why on earth should be running around making his life easier when he doesn't give a jot about yours?

He's either sabotaging you on purpose or he just doesn't care enough about your qualification and career. Either is bad.

In your shoes I would tell him what time we need to leave, and if he isn't ready then just take the car and leave it at the station. That's his choice. Or he could be a bit less lazy and selfish and get out of bed in the morning.

GrandRapids · 05/05/2022 11:44

I'd just take the car and drive all the way to the university! Let him find another way to get to his big important job

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