Boundary vs ultimatum..?

[PlayYourOwnKindOfMusic]

Can I just get my head around something here?

When does a boundary become an ultimatum?

I set a boundary with my boyfriend. He agrees with me and is happy with it but has taken a passive (avoidance) approach to dealing with it rather than an active (direct) approach in the hope this other person will take the hint for reasons I completely understand. It's been effective in reducing this other person's opportunity but not their intent or persistence.

However, the hint hasn't been taken and so, unfortunately, a more direct approach is necessary. He says he will but really hoped it wouldn't be necessary and I can tell he's not comfortable with it which I understand. He doesn't argue or fall out with anyone..

However, I'm not prepared for it to be a repeat conversation. I'm not prepared to just discuss and discuss again until the cows come home. He either takes a direct approach and puts a stop to it now or I'll walk away.

I want to make this crystal clear to him. If he isn't comfortable/can't/doesn't really want to put a stop to it for whatever reason, that's fine but I will end the relationship and walk away because the situation is not something I want to be live with.

How do I do that and make it clear without it sounding like an ultimatum?

I suppose I haven't really set a 'boundary' so far, just said it's something I'm not happy about and why. He agreed and said he'd put a stop to it but his efforts do far have only been partially successful and aren't realistically sustainable.

I hope you don't mind the bump @PlayYourOwnKindOfMusic but I've green wondering how your events have been going and how it's all been working out for ypu.

Hope things better x

Thanks for asking!

Well last weekend was interesting. She tried so hard to get his attention at the event. He just ignored it. He didn't ignore her but ignored all her attempts at flirting. Which is fine. She didn't speak to me all night. I looked around the room at one point and caught her eye. She looked uncomfortable and turned away so she clearly wasn't thinking friendly thoughts while she was looking at me!

This weekend, was similar. Didn't speak to me at all for the first hour or so and ignored me when I responded to something she said in a group conversation and just looked at me. He asked how it was going re her and I just said I don't think I was supposed to win the competition for his attention. He just laughed and said she was no competition.

As predicted, she changed tactics somewhat as the evening progressed and started being more friendly with me. I responded neutrally. She was still flirty but again he ignored. I did notice that she was less with the physical contact and didn't really touch him at all but still lots if trying to catch his eye and staring adoringly... Due to what we do, she stands next to him and I stand behind them both. There's nothing that can really be done about that but I did notice that every time he turned round to look at me, she looked at him expectantly. I think she saw his movement and thought/hoped he'd be looking at her.

I think she is definitely feeling it. I hope she just stops now. At least she is no longer looking at me smugly and with sly smiles...

I'm happy to maintain the facade of friendliness for the comfort of the group. It's makes it easier for everyone. But I'm under no illusions. She is not a friend and not someone to be trusted.

And by not ignoring her, I mean he just wasn't rude. Sometimes it was necessary for him to speak to her but he didn't engage beyond necessity.

That sounds great. Very positive