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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The OW is still here

117 replies

noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:39

Hi all. Sorry if I sound like a rambling mess, i haven't slept. Could really do with some advice.
A couple of years ago my H left his phone on the table downstairs. Normally I'd just ignore it but it kept buzzing. I pressed the Home Screen to find multiple WhatsApp's from 'John Work'. I knew his password so for the first time in 5 years of marriage..I opened his phone and found hundreds of messages between him and 'John'.

I went upstairs and confronted him..he broke down saying how we haven't been happy etc (we had just had our first baby, I thought it was normal to be arguing more than usual) anyway to cut a long story short - I told him I'd leave and take our new little girl with me..he promptly deleted her number.
Fast forward to today..things have been alright, just plodding along. And then I had this really strange feeling in my stomach (I can't describe it) and for the first time since the initial discovery two years ago..I looked through my husbands phone.
Went through the contacts list and there she was. Her photo..different name.
No messages but I know these can be deleted..I confronted him again and asked what he was playing at - he said don't speak.
So Mumsnet..this is why I'm here because I'm convinced I'm going to get more honesty from here right now..surely that's a pretty dangerous number to have on his phone if they 'don't speak' and also if they 'don't speak' there's no reason to have it??? Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
Clymene · 01/05/2022 13:05

Is the new name she's saved under her actual name or another fake one?

I work with lots of people. I have very few of them saved in my phone.

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:06

@youvegottenminuteslynn no and I feel sorry for anyone that's gone through this, it's hell

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/05/2022 13:07

noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:06

@youvegottenminuteslynn no and I feel sorry for anyone that's gone through this, it's hell

I'll see if I can find the previous thread by the different poster as there may be some advice on there that's helpful to you.

Sorry you're going through this.

User0610134049 · 01/05/2022 13:08

noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:47

@SoupDragon I am really worried that I sound so stupid asking this but how is it irrelevant? Do you mean that as long as he isn't speaking to her that it means nothing? Because in a way, it actually feels worse i would almost hope he is speaking to her than have it and not use it? This might not make much sense

I guess the thing is that he may or may not be talking to her right now but the point is that at some point despite your discussion about it 2 years ago, he did have contact with her again and re added her to his phone or deceived you by never deleting her in the first place

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:08

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you......I've already gone through multiple platforms this morning :(

What do you think? Do you think he'd have her number but not be using it?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/05/2022 13:09

Here's the other poster's thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3876476-ow-emotional-affair-please-help-me

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:09

@User0610134049 these are my thoughts. He may not be speaking to her right now but him having it there means he knows he will or wants to

OP posts:
Clymene · 01/05/2022 13:10

It doesn't matter. You don't trust him. He lied to you - he told you he had deleted her number and he's either not deleted it or re-added her.

You won't ever trust him again. You can't be a relationship with someone you don't trust.

SoupDragon · 01/05/2022 13:11

noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:47

@SoupDragon I am really worried that I sound so stupid asking this but how is it irrelevant? Do you mean that as long as he isn't speaking to her that it means nothing? Because in a way, it actually feels worse i would almost hope he is speaking to her than have it and not use it? This might not make much sense

No, it doesn't matter whether he is talking to her or not because the important bit is that you don't trust him. You can't live like that.

ValerieCupcake · 01/05/2022 13:11

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/05/2022 13:04

OP are you the poster who has started previous threads about him having her number and what it meant for a while? If so your previous name had cupcakes in it I think? And you were stuck in a loop of asking what him having her number meant? If that's you then I would really encourage you to read your previous threads as you had excellent advice and support for months.

If it's not you, ignore me obviously!

It wasn't me!

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:13

@SoupDragon I'm trying to get other peoples opinions because I don't trust my own mind atm it's like a bomb has gone off

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 01/05/2022 13:13

Of course hes still speaking t her-why is it yet under another different name if he hasnt got anything to hide

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:13

@youvegottenminuteslynn I've just reached out to her

OP posts:
Krakenchorus · 01/05/2022 13:14

What I'm struggling with and I know some others on here says it shouldn't matter but it does ....is if they aren't in fact speaking then isn't that even more of a reason to not have her number!?!

I know that you are struggling with the number in his phone, but you are honestly struggling with a pointless detail. And it is keeping you from grappling with the much bigger problem that the trust is gone from your relationship. What could he say to convince you? Nothing. He's a liar, and you know that.

Have you had counselling? Not with him, just for you. This is a horrible thing to come to terms with.

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:15

@whynotwhatknot yes I don't think he'd have it for any other reason. I know this is different but with my ex (way before I got married, when we broke up I deleted his number)

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 01/05/2022 13:16

why does anyone have a contact on their phone? You know the answer op, because they contact each other. Time to get those ducks lined up

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:17

@Lollypop701 I'm thinking of staying with my parents tonight..need to clear my head

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/05/2022 13:19

I saw you said you've reached out to the other OP - you're in an incredibly similar situation and both fixated on why he would have the number if he isn't going to contact her.

The fact is, he deleted the number and has then re added it. So he wanted to have the number in his phone more than he wanted to make sure you feel safe and secure in the relationship. That remains the case whether he's contacted her or not.

And so the trust is gone IMO.

You:
I told him I'd leave and take our new little girl with me..he promptly deleted her number.

Other thread's OP:
I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Midlifemusings · 01/05/2022 13:21

I am sure he spoke to her again two years ago after deleting her number. He would have at minimum at least needed to give her an explanation and do whatever for closure. The deleting it in front of you was an impusive, reactive step taken in panic of you finding it. It would be strange if he had just never contacted her again.

What you don't know is if that contact continued and if so for how long or if it is ongoing. He did choose to keep her contact in his phone. He may also communicate with her in ways other than the phone.

Reaching our to her might give you some information if you can ask things to see if stories match up or don't. They might also be colluding on what to tell you and just take it underground.

SoupDragon · 01/05/2022 13:22

There is no innocent reason that he has added her number again under a different name.

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:22

@Midlifemusings I'm thinking of messaging her but I can't trust either of them. Exactly it's strange to have kept it and not use

OP posts:
LetHimHaveIt · 01/05/2022 13:23

You seem to be casting around for someone to tell you it's not suspicious, OP. But it is. He deleted her at the time. At some point in the intervening two years - maybe straight away; maybe last Thursday - he's re-added her, and under a fake name to boot. He's untrustworthy. You'd be a fool
to give him another chance.

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:24

@LetHimHaveIt sorry if that's how I'm acting I don't mean that, what I'm really wanting is people to tell me there's only one reason for that number to be in his phone and if it was over it would have been blocked. That's what I want people to say to me

OP posts:
SinaraSmith · 01/05/2022 13:25

So is he saying he never deleted it? Or that he put the number back in?

op he is a liar. Because it was swept under the carpet he believes he go away with it and is carrying on. He doesn’t give a shit about what it does to you or his family or his child.

I am sorry, but I don’t see a way where this ends with you and him having a good, secure marriage.

Midlifemusings · 01/05/2022 13:25

@noideawhattodo9

Either way there doesn't seem to have been any remorse or effrots to rebuild your trust. If he had needed to add her back again for some reason that he felt was legitimate at the time - he should have come to you to discuss it and done it with your full knowledge. Unfortunately this sounds like the affair didn't end when he said it did.