The OW is still here

[noideawhattodo9]

Hi all. Sorry if I sound like a rambling mess, i haven't slept. Could really do with some advice.
A couple of years ago my H left his phone on the table downstairs. Normally I'd just ignore it but it kept buzzing. I pressed the Home Screen to find multiple WhatsApp's from 'John Work'. I knew his password so for the first time in 5 years of marriage..I opened his phone and found hundreds of messages between him and 'John'.

I went upstairs and confronted him..he broke down saying how we haven't been happy etc (we had just had our first baby, I thought it was normal to be arguing more than usual) anyway to cut a long story short - I told him I'd leave and take our new little girl with me..he promptly deleted her number.
Fast forward to today..things have been alright, just plodding along. And then I had this really strange feeling in my stomach (I can't describe it) and for the first time since the initial discovery two years ago..I looked through my husbands phone.
Went through the contacts list and there she was. Her photo..different name.
No messages but I know these can be deleted..I confronted him again and asked what he was playing at - he said don't speak.
So Mumsnet..this is why I'm here because I'm convinced I'm going to get more honesty from here right now..surely that's a pretty dangerous number to have on his phone if they 'don't speak' and also if they 'don't speak' there's no reason to have it??? Thank you everyone x

I completely understand what you're saying but just to balance, I've got dozens of people in my contacts that I've had no contact with for goodness knows how many years and realistically I won't have contact again but it never occurs to me to delete their numbers.

I'm not but thanks for making a situation even harder by throwing about accusations. Will be deleting my one (and only) thread

You're deleting the thread because someone asked if you had a different thread?
What an over reaction.

I’ve changed my mind and would actually like to hear his side of the story.
Now I’m wondering if he isn’t allowed females numbers stored in his phone which is why he has to have them under different names.

But presumably you didn't conduct an extra-marital relationship with all or any of them? Presumably your partner would see no harm or significance in their still being in your phone?

don't speak

That stood out to me, was your dh trying to shut your questions down? What has actually said after you asked him what is going on. Sit down and look him in the eye, and demand that he tells you everything now. Don't let him wriggle out of it.

I think you were too exhausted and overwhelmed before with the baby, and now it has come roaring back. It is unresolved and needs sorting out once and for all.

So sorry you are going through this

Lethimhaveit

This is very true! ☺️

What a pointless thing to say. Posters have hurt her feelings. She came on to ask for help and people started deriding her because she sounded like another poster. A lot of people oh here say similar things/have similar experiences. Either way, she hurt and asking for opinions.

I do think he's kept it because he is cheating. Or to give himself the opportunity to cheat. Neither are good.

Tbh, I didn't think the issue at hand is whether or not his behaviour is unacceptable - assuming this is a real situation, it is very definitely he who is at fault throughout. The issue is that the OP may or may not be another poster who for some reason is fixated on the significance of a number still being in his phone when he claims to have deleted it - and not the fact of the affair itself, or the possibility of ongoing contact, or indeed the content of the messages.

If my Dh had an affair and still had her number that would be the end for me (well the affair would but..). He doesn’t need the number, he has no reason to have it.
I don’t know if it means something else has happened, none of us do but for me it would be the end.

He cheated on you when you had just given birth to his daughter.

If you deleted them, would you add them back them under a different name?

Please get your ducks in a row! Of course they are still in contact, she’s in his phone, you are worth so much more love! I suspect the affair has been going on for a long time! Kick him out

Honestly if id been good enough to forgive such a huge betrayal the last time, then id feel it was a massive slap in the face to keep her number, whether they spoke or not (they definitely do speak). Hes taking you for a mug. Kick him out

Totally agree, this comes up every few months with the OP still miserable, having nothing other than repeatedly wonder why he still has the number.

You've had so much good advice OP, I hope you take some of it and wish you the best.

OP my first thought when I read your thread is of the poster two years or so back. I was on other sites as well and she posted there too. She would also have a daughter around two, she was fixated on her husband having the OWs number in his phone, and struggled to see the affair and his utter lack of remorse.

I'm sorry if you feel unheard and that the suggestion of you being this poster upsets you.

To answer your question, my husband had an affair and we are in reconciliation. As part of a healthy reconciliation there should be absolutely no contact, and that includes keeping her number. If my husband were to add even her number to his phone book then that would be a deal breaker. He would be gone.

It's clear you have rug swept and clear boundaries have not been set. It's also clear he is not remorseful as remorse includes an absolute distance from the OW, to the point where they are almost sickened by the thought of contact. Imo he's crossed a very serious line and it is a massive red flag.

I'm sorry you are being put through this. In some ways it doesn't really matter what he's doing with the OW the fact is the trust has gone from your relationship. Once gone, especially in the circumstances you describe, I don't think it can come back. You don't need his infidelity to be proven to break up with him, you just need to not want to put up with his shite anymore. I'm sorry OP that's horrible especially as you have DC.

As he deleted her number for you the first time this means he has actively added her back and hidden it from you. This act of deception is unforgivable when you are trying to work on a marriage, are repentant and giving full disclosure.

If it looks like a cheat and quacks like a cheat.....

please look after yourself, the sooner you find the strength to leave him the better.

you are right, trust has been shaky since the first time. The fact he has it though, doesn't that mean he is speaking to her or at the very least thinks he will?

He lied and betrayed your trust. He either faked deleting her number or got it again.

This.
People can get burner phones to carry on an affair with.

@noideawhattodo9 , You are right to trust your instinct.

I snooped through my husband's work stuff, and found a card featuring a 1930's woman with pearls..inside it said ''Don't get too excited...''

I confronted him and he said it was an invite for a ''Colleagues only work party'' {It was around Christmas}.

Further snooping uncovered a pencilled telephone number.

Hers. I rang it.

Trust your instincts.

Husband was indeed having an affair.

I married and had a baby with a serial cheat, truly believing he'd changed his ways. He hadn't. I think most cheats probably don't change, they just get smarter. And as our self worth gets ripped to shreds, maybe we let ourselves overlook things. Anyway, I eventually left. I cannot even tell you how amazing it is, being free of that constant nauseous anxiety, wondering whether today would be the day I discovered something new, having it turned round on me and made my fault, feeling like I couldn't be myself in case I "made him" do it again. You don't need to live like this!

He’s lying. Is the number still saved under ‘John Work’ or whatever it was when u last found it? If not who changed the name on it? It’s his phone, he’s changed the name and is still lying. If he wanted to prove to you he’s no longer in contact he would have deleted it. The only reason it’s still there is because he wants it there. So sorry op you don’t have to listen to his lies, he’s not taking ownership of this or thinking about you. His thinking about himself. You can break up with him for any reason at any time, just because it all got brushed under the carpet it’s back out in the open now and a good time to really think about what you want from this relationship.

I completely understand what you're saying but just to balance, I've got dozens of people in my contacts that I've had no contact with for goodness knows how many years and realistically I won't have contact again but it never occurs to me to delete their numbers.

Are they saved under pseudonyms of the opposite sex or is John Smith the IT guy at your last job saved as John Smith ?

This is the problem with staying, it’s death by a thousand cuts.

Your husband had a sexual affair with another women.

You found out, decided to stay and he deleted her number OR just hid her under another name.

Now either the affair stopped or it carried on but a bit more carefully than before.

You have again found her number, no messages, so he has been deleting them, because you surely don't believe the "we don't speak" bollocks he is trying to sell you.

So either the affair stopped and he restarted it recently or it never stopped.

Get rid

You forgave him 2 years ago that was your mistake. Now he is expecting you to just ignore it again. It is so obvious why her number is on his phone, because she is important to him. Wise up and get rid of him.

Suggests he asks his phone provider for an itemised bill.. You are entitled to know the absolute truth. Not his version.