The OW is still here

[noideawhattodo9]

Hi all. Sorry if I sound like a rambling mess, i haven't slept. Could really do with some advice.
A couple of years ago my H left his phone on the table downstairs. Normally I'd just ignore it but it kept buzzing. I pressed the Home Screen to find multiple WhatsApp's from 'John Work'. I knew his password so for the first time in 5 years of marriage..I opened his phone and found hundreds of messages between him and 'John'.

I went upstairs and confronted him..he broke down saying how we haven't been happy etc (we had just had our first baby, I thought it was normal to be arguing more than usual) anyway to cut a long story short - I told him I'd leave and take our new little girl with me..he promptly deleted her number.
Fast forward to today..things have been alright, just plodding along. And then I had this really strange feeling in my stomach (I can't describe it) and for the first time since the initial discovery two years ago..I looked through my husbands phone.
Went through the contacts list and there she was. Her photo..different name.
No messages but I know these can be deleted..I confronted him again and asked what he was playing at - he said don't speak.
So Mumsnet..this is why I'm here because I'm convinced I'm going to get more honesty from here right now..surely that's a pretty dangerous number to have on his phone if they 'don't speak' and also if they 'don't speak' there's no reason to have it??? Thank you everyone x

Yes, this is the case.

Ok. Well, there may not only be one reason. But none of the alternatives is much better. It's there because he's a) in touch with her now; b) was at some point since your discovery in touch with her c) hopes to again be in touch with her.

I agree she'd be blocked if it was over in every real sense of the word.

How has he been since the first time you confronted him 2 years ago, op? Was he remorseful, sorry, begging forgiveness, showing you and lo that you were his priority?

There’s only one reason why her number is on his phone, if it was over, it would’ve been blocked.

One of the hardest things is facing up to your fears, it hurts, you have to be brave when you don't want to be or it's the wrong time as you are exhuasted or not in a possition to feel confident about yourself, your finacial situation, a million reasons not to face your fears.

You need to gain strength sweetie, the blinkers ar coming off and logic is coming into view, whether you are ready is another thing.

Gain stength in your own time, put in place strategies for making your life easier for the time whereby you may wish to end this doubt and uncertainty in your relationship. This man has lied.... fact.
You absolutely know this from previously and now, so how many more lies do you want to ignor before you get hurt over and over again.
It's true I don't know you, but I know his kind and I know there are better men out there, ones that make you feel secure and safe.

It is possible for you to fall in love with someone else, there are millions of men out there, keep looking because you deserve not to have to settle for this one.
No matter how desirable he is to you, there will be another who knocks your socks off, just start opening your mind to being treated well, start dreaming of someone kind to walk through this life with you.

Think big
x

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. If he'd really been that remorseful, he would have deleted her for good. The fact that he's re-added her and changed the details to hide that in case you looked tells you everything you need to know about him and his intentions, regardless of whether he's actually gone as far as hooking up with her again.

Even if he denied his intentions and gave you some lame excuse for why he's still got her in his contacts, how are you going to cope with never trusting him again for the rest of your marriage?

i presume you never really got to
the bottom of what happened last time? I think after 2 years they’re either seeing each other in person or not texting anymore. Seems odd that he’d save her number if you have access to his phone. How has your relationship been?

Best case scenario is that he wanted the option of staying in contact / easily resuming the affair.

Worst case scenario is that it never ended.

Either way, he didn’t do what he said he would. It also sounds like you never fully resolved what happened the first time around. I understand why, but it’s really shitty for you to be living with such a lack of clarity. Essentially, you don’t properly know what you have ostensibly ‘forgiven’ him for.

You deserve to make choices about your own life based on what has actually happened.

I can’t tell you the wrongs or rights of staying or going. But you really, really need to get a full STI check. Left untreated STI’s can wreck your body. Take care of yourself first.

I think him having her number is not a big issue - he could have forgotten to delete it or needs her contact for work.

But him having her number saved under a different name is a massive issue - he’s being sly and I couldn’t trust him.

I think you may be focusing too much on the "Don't speak" phrase. They may very well not be speaking, but they could very easily still be communicating - text, pics.

People have other's phone number so they can contact each other.

He deliberately has entered her number back onto his phone. That's as dodgy as hell. They may or may not have kept seeing each other for the last 2 years - but he's interested enough in her to keep his options open. Part of being married is you relinquish the very idea of keeping your options open.

I know you want support, but personally I would be asking him to leave - why should you have to pack and remove yourself? And sadly yes to getting a STI check and booking an appointment with a solicitor to at least explore the legal options

Of course he's still in contact with her. He's just being more careful and deleting the messages.

If it was really over the number wouldn't be anywhere in his phone.

He's a lying cheating knob and you can do better.

Its pretty obvious what happened. You found out. He deleted her number to reassure you. He told her that he had been found out but he had reassured you. He put her under another name. They carried seeing each other. He practised better phone hygiene ( but not good enough).

Is his phone iOS or Android? On iOS all installed apps show on the home screen or in a folder on the home screen but this isn't true for Android - it's easy to hide apps in the app draw if you want to hide it from someone who only knows how iOS works.

Go to your parents, that sounds like a good idea.

I don't think he'd have her number if he wasn't cheating. I guess it's possible to be wrong about that, but unlikely. The other side to consider is that he kept it knowing that if you found out it would hurt you deeply. He chose to disregard your feelings either way. He's not worthy of you.

I think what soupdragon was trying to say is not that it's your fault, but that he already destroyed things the first time. You're in this state now because he already destroyed your trust. I'm in the same boat. I feel like I'm going crazy not knowing up from down anymore. I don't think it's worth it. It's not a nice way to live.

For me whether he has spoken to her or not is irrelevant in a sense. The fact that he has kept her number and gone to the trouble of changing her name shows that he isnt 100% committed to being honest or making it up to you.

He doesn’t want to delet her number or he would have
clearly he still wants to have a link/contact to her :( sorry op life can be shit x

If he was truly remorseful he would have removed all traces of her from his life.

OK, I'll say it. There is only one reason for that number to be in his phone. He's still in touch with her. So they're either still having an affair OR he's keeping his options open. If it was 100% over in his thoughts and/or deeds he would have deleted her number.

The fact of the matter is that he is untrustworthy. It's pretty obvious you know this deep down to your core. What you do about his untrustworthiness is up to you. Personally, I'd never be with someone I couldn't trust.

I must confess although they said it isn't, I feel this is the same poster as everything is so very similar. Situation and writing style wise. And I suggested they read their previous threads back (where lots of us shared advice and support each time) as they have previously got stuck on the same 'why does he have her number' loop which got them nowhere unfortunately. I'm sad it's still going on years later 😞

Oh, for heaven's sake. Virtually identical
in style and tone.

OP - are you going to have this every 6-13 months? Honestly? Find your anger and self-respect. He is playing you for an absolute fool.

6-12 months! Oddly specific there with the 13 . . .

I'm not but thanks for making a situation even harder by throwing about accusations. Will be deleting my one (and only) thread

People are trying to help OP and this is something that you / another poster with an identical porting style and situation have got stuck in a loop on previously (asking if there could be another reason for him having her number) and no amount of people answering honestly seems to help you out of that cycle.