The OW is still here

[noideawhattodo9]

Hi all. Sorry if I sound like a rambling mess, i haven't slept. Could really do with some advice.
A couple of years ago my H left his phone on the table downstairs. Normally I'd just ignore it but it kept buzzing. I pressed the Home Screen to find multiple WhatsApp's from 'John Work'. I knew his password so for the first time in 5 years of marriage..I opened his phone and found hundreds of messages between him and 'John'.

I went upstairs and confronted him..he broke down saying how we haven't been happy etc (we had just had our first baby, I thought it was normal to be arguing more than usual) anyway to cut a long story short - I told him I'd leave and take our new little girl with me..he promptly deleted her number.
Fast forward to today..things have been alright, just plodding along. And then I had this really strange feeling in my stomach (I can't describe it) and for the first time since the initial discovery two years ago..I looked through my husbands phone.
Went through the contacts list and there she was. Her photo..different name.
No messages but I know these can be deleted..I confronted him again and asked what he was playing at - he said don't speak.
So Mumsnet..this is why I'm here because I'm convinced I'm going to get more honesty from here right now..surely that's a pretty dangerous number to have on his phone if they 'don't speak' and also if they 'don't speak' there's no reason to have it??? Thank you everyone x

OR. He deleted her number, she subsequently contacted him. He then saved and blocked her number.

I assume it’s not blocked.

@noideawhattodo9 So your husband said hed deleted her number 2 years ago because you found lots of messages but 2 years later her number is back in his phone ?
Dd you ask why her number is back in his phone when he deleted it 2 years ago?

Given that you now have the OW’s number I would be inclined to call her and have a chat with her.

I hope you are ok. Has he ever sat down and talked through things before and listened to your worries. Or was it all as you said just swept under the carpet. I would ask him to leave for a few days or can you go and stay with family or friends to just clear your head and to make a statement to him that you will not put up with it all again as you deserve better. He needs to move on from her and delete the number but has the trust gone. How are things between you now and does he make you and your child a priority.

Why on earth?

her problem isn’t with this woman, it’s with her h who is lying to her

@noideawhattodo9 you DO know what to do, so do it.

tell him to go and don’t come back until he’s prepared to invest his whole self into the relationship with you

the ‘price’ of this is that he DOES NOT collect womens contact details or save them as men to hide them from you.

tell him you don’t want to live with this sick feeling in your stomach, not now, not ever and if he can’t deliver that, he goes.

As other posters have said, 2 years ago you swept things under the carpet. Entirely understandable, you had a new baby. He deleted her number, and now you’ve found it again. You’re looking for reasons that might make it ok so you can sweep it under the carpet again. There are none. He’s your husband and this is a huge trust issue. He will try and bull shit his way out of it and you will WANT to believe him, but deep down in your gut, you know he’s lying. Living that life is a miserable existence, believe me. Go see a solicitor ASAP or expect to be living this life for a long long time x

If she was in his phone as ‘John From Work’ and then blocked and deleted, and is now in his phone listed under a different name, she is neither blocked nor deleted as was the deal at the time.
Whether they contacted each other last year or last Tuesday is neither here nor there, at some point since she was supposed to be total history and gone for good, they reconnected and he kept it a secret from you.
Either he never deleted her number or re-entered in in a different name. Are either of those scenarios ok with you? Of course not, so your feelings were not taken into consideration and his own and hers very much were.
I know how painful this is, but trying to make it ok that he still has her number in any way shape or form won’t work, OP. You know why he has her number and whatever garbage he gives you about why it is there is exactly that: garbage. He deleted it and shouldn’t have it at all! Please don’t buy the “We haven’t spoken” line, that’s all garbage too. Why does he keep her number? Why do you or I or anyone on here keep anyone’s number? Because we are/ might want to contact them.
It’s just not on that he has her number, he said he’d deleted it. Contact/ not spoken is almost irrelevant. He has that number. He shouldn’t have it. That’s the bottom line. He’s proved he’s still untrustworthy. I’m so sorry.

Sorry. But your relationship isn't his priority. He's not TRIED to put you first, because that number would just not be there if he had.

The fact he has it is disrespectful to you.
He deleted it first time then reinstalled- and why under a different name.
Ask to see latest phone bill to see if the number has been called.
You can't have a relationship built on mistrust

I’d think now the OP isn’t coming back.
OP I wish you well

In true mumsnet fashion- leave the bastard. Watch them form a relationship when you've gone. Seen it so many times

sorry you're going through all of this... have you considered couple's therapy?

I don’t think him having the number is a bad thing in itself to be honest

presumable he had to message her and end it at some stage ? He will have had to have said something

however
your gut is a more pressing issue
as if you suspect something ….
what else has been happening to worry you
any changes in behaviour ?

You obviously don't "completely understand", @Nelliephant1
These contacts you've had for years - have you ever -

1. had an affair with one of them, & assigned them a pseudonym to cover your tracks
2. been caught out, & ostentatiously removed that contact's number from your phone in front of your spouse, then
3. surreptitiously re-added the number, giving it yet another fictitious name?

No? Then your "balance" isn't the amazing counter-argument you seem to think it is ...

If he added her to end things, why would he assign her a new pseudonym and delete the messages about the break up? Quicker to send the message and block immediately.

OP, my feeling is that he's been cheating the whole time but just more discreet about it.
Why else would you keep/change the number and picture of an ex-affair? Not just to have a chat about how they are.

Or, he's cheated, told her to keep it all hush for a while and then now baby is older he's more able to pick it back up.

I would gather everything needed over the next few weeks, get yourself in a good position as you can, get your money and paperwork sorted as another poster said, and then consider what action you want to take. Better to be prepared for the worst and never have to use that prep, than to be caught short when/if he says that yes actually the affair has been ongoing and I'm leaving you.

I don't want to cause upset but you need to be realistic x

How are you @noideawhattodo9 have you decided anything?