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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The OW is still here

117 replies

noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:39

Hi all. Sorry if I sound like a rambling mess, i haven't slept. Could really do with some advice.
A couple of years ago my H left his phone on the table downstairs. Normally I'd just ignore it but it kept buzzing. I pressed the Home Screen to find multiple WhatsApp's from 'John Work'. I knew his password so for the first time in 5 years of marriage..I opened his phone and found hundreds of messages between him and 'John'.

I went upstairs and confronted him..he broke down saying how we haven't been happy etc (we had just had our first baby, I thought it was normal to be arguing more than usual) anyway to cut a long story short - I told him I'd leave and take our new little girl with me..he promptly deleted her number.
Fast forward to today..things have been alright, just plodding along. And then I had this really strange feeling in my stomach (I can't describe it) and for the first time since the initial discovery two years ago..I looked through my husbands phone.
Went through the contacts list and there she was. Her photo..different name.
No messages but I know these can be deleted..I confronted him again and asked what he was playing at - he said don't speak.
So Mumsnet..this is why I'm here because I'm convinced I'm going to get more honesty from here right now..surely that's a pretty dangerous number to have on his phone if they 'don't speak' and also if they 'don't speak' there's no reason to have it??? Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 01/05/2022 12:42

Sorry you're going through this.

The bottom line is that you don't trust him and that is no basis for a relationship. It doesn't matter whether they "don't speak" or not really.

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:44

@SoupDragon you are right, trust has been shaky since the first time. The fact he has it though, doesn't that mean he is speaking to her or at the very least thinks he will?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 01/05/2022 12:45

I would say so, yes. He has gone to the trouble of changing her name again so you don't spot it.

it is still largely irrelevant whether he is actually speaking to her though.

lassof · 01/05/2022 12:45

When you found out 2 years ago, with a new baby, you chose to sweep things under the carpet and ignore. I don't blame you. Now maybe you are ready to start talking about it/do something about it? Could be counselling, could be leaving, could just be trying to bring some honesty to the situation.

Deleting a number from a phone doesn't solve anything. They could just use an app like kik to keep in touch if they wanted instead. No affair is going to end just because a number is not stored on a phone.

Is he willing to talk, and do you think he would be honest? What do you want as the outcome?

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:47

@SoupDragon I am really worried that I sound so stupid asking this but how is it irrelevant? Do you mean that as long as he isn't speaking to her that it means nothing? Because in a way, it actually feels worse i would almost hope he is speaking to her than have it and not use it? This might not make much sense

OP posts:
Emmelina · 01/05/2022 12:48

the likelihood is, they’re still talking just through a different medium.
But that doesn’t really matter. He has lied.
He told you he’d deleted her - he didn’t. He deliberately stored her under a different name to hide her.

Onthedunes · 01/05/2022 12:50

Anything that comes out of his mouth , do not believe.

If you accept he is a liar then at least you will not be lying to yourself anymore.
I'm very sorry this has/is happening, you really deserve a much more peaceful life with your young child.

You have no obligation to this man, he deserves no loyalty, I know you must love him but if you could wean yourself off him and try not to rely on him, I think you should be prepared for untruths.

Personally if I were your age I would start dating again, with someone single and hopefully with better morals.

God luck, lovely.
x

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:50

@lassof I did think about counselling. Then covid happened and a house move (I know this sounds like excuses but it's true).
To a degree yes it was swept under the rug. I just feel like it shouldn't be on his phone.
Yes there may be other apps but my husbands phone screen is very basic (I checked this time around) no hidden folders etc

OP posts:
Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:51

@Onthedunes thanks..a lot is going through my mind right now. I just struggle to believe he'd keep a number like that but not be using it. What do you think?

OP posts:
BlimBosh · 01/05/2022 12:52

He was and always has been a lier. You will never trust him.

Leave him.

catstale · 01/05/2022 12:52

So two years ago he deleted her number, but then what? Was the whole thing just swept under the carpet?

It's no surprise a cheater is still cheating is it?

I wouldn't have stayed two years ago. You can either bury your head in the sand again or make the break and not live your life wondering what he's up to.

pentagone · 01/05/2022 12:55

He clearly never stopped seeing her.

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:55

@pentagone do you think that's why the number is still there?

OP posts:
DFOD · 01/05/2022 12:56

Did they have a physical affair last time?

Clymene · 01/05/2022 12:57

Your husband was a liar and a cheat when you confronted him two years ago and he is still a liar and a cheat.

I would be straight onto a solicitor Tuesday morning. And ask him to move out today.

Revolting man.

lassof · 01/05/2022 12:57

noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:50

@lassof I did think about counselling. Then covid happened and a house move (I know this sounds like excuses but it's true).
To a degree yes it was swept under the rug. I just feel like it shouldn't be on his phone.
Yes there may be other apps but my husbands phone screen is very basic (I checked this time around) no hidden folders etc

You don't need to make any excuses at all, let alone to me, please don't worry. I am just trying to say, clumsily, that maybe you are now psychologically ready to confront this in a way you weren't before.
The number on the phone isn't really the problem, is it?
If he had more sense he would have deleted her number and used a different way to stay in touch.
But who even is 'she' and what was the story behind the messages etc in the first place?

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 12:59

@DFOD I never caught them together but judging from the context of the messages, yes

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 01/05/2022 12:59

He deleted her number the first time, now it’s back. There’s only one reason why, he’s in contact with her.

PeekAtYou · 01/05/2022 13:00

Cheaters only admit to what kind be proven.

This is cheater's logic but only sending messages and pics is technically not speaking because there's no voice calls. If this woman is say someone at work, not speaking face to face is not speaking.

It's ok to change your mind about whether or not to forgive. The fact that she's on the phone with a different fake name suggests that they are / were back in contact and he could be deleting all chats or doing it another way. Does it matter? He's shady as hell and clearly not changed his ways- the logical move would be to put her on a blocked list.

Listen to your gut. If it's telling you that something is wrong then it's because something is wrong.

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:00

@Clymene she works for the same company but in a different office.
I know the number isn't the be all and the end all it's just I can't believe that he just has it for absolutely no reason

OP posts:
Krakenchorus · 01/05/2022 13:01

OP, I am so sorry. But he irrevocably broke your trust 2 years ago. He had a longterm affair (hundreds of messages), probably while you were pregnant and certainly while you had a new baby. For very good reasons, you chose to put it all to one side.

But he's a dog. And now you may be ready to deal with his total faithlessless and the betrayal.

Whether he is speaking to her now or not is irrelevant because he already cheated on you. Maybe he still is. You won't ever believe him again because you know he is a liar. That sick feeling you have isn't going to go away, although it might go into remission.

PeekAtYou · 01/05/2022 13:03

noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:00

@Clymene she works for the same company but in a different office.
I know the number isn't the be all and the end all it's just I can't believe that he just has it for absolutely no reason

Would she have a professional reason to contact him?

Even if he hadn't contacted her, I'd interpret his actions as him hoping to hear from her. You can't hear from a person who's blocked.

LowlandLucky · 01/05/2022 13:03

Aw lovely, i so feel for you, i have been in your situation more than once ( same bloke) i can only say don't lie to yourself. You know this relationship is done and dusted, you know he is a liar and a cheat, don't make this worse by dragging it out, it won't get better, he won't change.
Get the evidence you need, get the photocopies of the financial documents, get half the savings accounts, do a online super market shop with enough to fill your cupboards for a couple of months, stock up on the next size up clothes for your son and a couple new things for you then pack his stuff when he is at work, shred his passport and send him a text telling him to pick his stuff up from the doorstep. You have the strength to build a better life for you and your child. You deserve better. Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/05/2022 13:04

OP are you the poster who has started previous threads about him having her number and what it meant for a while? If so your previous name had cupcakes in it I think? And you were stuck in a loop of asking what him having her number meant? If that's you then I would really encourage you to read your previous threads as you had excellent advice and support for months.

If it's not you, ignore me obviously!

Original poster
noideawhattodo9 · 01/05/2022 13:05

@PeekAtYou none, from my understanding she works in a completely separate department and none of their messages were professional..trust me!

What I'm struggling with and I know some others on here says it shouldn't matter but it does ....is if they aren't in fact speaking then isn't that even more of a reason to not have her number!?!

OP posts: