Running around after teenagers.

[gardenhelpneeded]

Anyone else got a husband like this? Loves looking after people but completely ruining our teenagers. Much more noticeable since he’s wfh. Forgot their games kit - no problem I’ll hand it in to school etc… they’re 17 and 15! Cooks for them and doesn’t ask them to help.

Yesterday I lost the plot as I was about to have a nap (insomnia) and he asked me to help him look for a cricket jumper as my son had texted to say his was too small and he’s playing in a match that afternoon. Back to school he goes. (He’d already been down that morning taking tennis stuff for my eldest ). Although I thwarted that by texting my son to walk home (15 mins) and get it himself. This was all after me calmly talking to him about it and thinking he was on board.

The eldest in particular is quite lazy and a bit entitled. I’ve told DH he’s ruining them and it’s his fault. So mad. I said a couple of days ago- we need to look for opportunities for them to take responsibility and also natural consequences when they don’t, he agreed and then this!

What do I do? I’ve really lost my temper with him. But he agrees with me then does it anyway. He tells the boys off but then gets in the car to help them out anyway.

He lost his dad young which is probably a part of it but it’s so detrimental. Arghhhhhh

I think a bit of balance.

I see your point but he's more willing to help them out. Teenagers do double book, forget things, lose things.

Im a single parent and the one thing i would change if i could would be to give my teens (19 and 16) a decent man in their corner as a father.

A good strong parent in your corner makes you feel safe to take small risks with your life i think.

I do hear you though. I work ft and ive no car so if my 16 year old forgets his lunch, he ...... is hungry for one afternoon. And he survived that.

Teens lives start getting complicated though, extra curricular activities, social events, choices, decisions, two places to be at once sometimes... my daughter has "smalled down" at times out of fear of plan a not working out. It's good to be responsible enough to have the momentum to make plan A work, but it makes you feel safe to risk q good plan A knowing parents have your back.

Thanks. The problem is because they know he’s there they don’t have to be as organised themselves as they would. Him not seeing that, or paying lip service to my concerns just drives me mad.

I think they need that soft touch for some time still. Their brain isn’t developed till 24. They need to know they can count on you, for the little and big things.

I’m surprised at these comments. Would you honestly run stuff to school for teenagers? How do they learn to be responsible? I do help them out myself but not to the extent my husband does. I also try to factor in natural consequences- too small cricket top? Well west the small one/be cold or next time check it and let me know if you need a bigger one. Forgot your stuff? Unless it’s vital, they’ll learn next time to be more organised.

Having the same argument in this house. It's me that does the running about. I don't mind doing it, and am conscious that they will move out soon and I'll not be able to do it.
Husband says it's too much- and he does have a point. Independence etc.
There will be a balance between I am sure.

You’re right OP. But not sure what you can do to get DH to understand if you’ve explained.

I think it’s quite selfish actually. A need to be needed. Rather than thinking about the best interests of the teenager.

Yes, been there, 3 nice kind adults and yes I did it all, dh helped equally. Our friends and family did similar.

@fallfallfall
Well it’s good to hear it turned out ok! I do worry sometimes. I think my DH needs to go back to the office. It was never as bad as this when we both worked out of the home.

It’s not an ideal dynamic, changing it can be tricky though! Wouldn’t expect immediate results! keep talking about it and try not to lose temper.

does your TP take as good care of himself and you as he does of the DC? If not, perhaps he could divert some of his time and energy to that?

if dc are spoiled they’ll just have to learn at some point, in the big wide world!

Agree that wfh a lot gives rise to this kind of thing.

in my house I’m the one more like your H, but I wouldn’t take any item to school for my secondary dc, on a working day, unless perhaps it was vital for an exam.

My dad was lovely like this (still is actually).

I've grown up to be a fully functioning, not particularly spoilt person.

Thanks! @Loopytiles I really did lose my temper. He really annoys me that he nods away yes yes then does the opposite literally and hour later. And expects me to get out of bed to help!

In terms of him looking after himself and me -I’m quite independent so I find being looked after a bit annoying 😀He’s good at looking after himself -sport,reads,podcasts, cooks etc..

Ask if he'd like them to become likeable responsible adults or the kind of men who expect their wives to do everything.

Maybe the real problem here is him not feeling able to say to you 'I don't agree, I want to do what I do, so stop telling me I shouldn't/can't/am wrong'

i can see both points of view, but come down on DH's side if pushed. He's there for them, he makes their lives easier when he can.

teen brains are still developing and most of them do have a lot in a lot of kit to organise etc. I find it helps to remember they're essentially large toddlers operating in a world that operates outside of their natural body clock. It's like having to get up at 3/4am to go to work & never forget anything.

supporting them now doesn't mean they'll be useless adults.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of time and growing up. My mum was keen to teach me responsibility in the way you describe and honestly it just made me feel shit. I am not naturally an organized person and no matter what the consequences I could not manage to get it together. Many many times i went hungry because I forgot my lunch money, waited out in the cold because I misplaced my keys, and missed out on things at school. It didn’t kill me but it did make me feel really alone. It didn’t help “teach” me anything but it definitely increased my anxiety. In my very late teens and early 20s I gradually started feeling more in control although by then I had missed out on some potentially good opportunities.

Perhaps what you could do is help your kids remember things in the first place so nobody has to run and save the day. It can be as simple as a verbal reminder but also you can model things like keeping a calendar, setting an alarm on your phone or Alexa, or leaving post-it notes about things like the cricket jumper. On school nights in our house everyone is expected to set out their things for the next morning. It is their responsibility but if they’ve forgotten to include something we can remind them then instead of having it turn into a whole thing the next day. In my experience teaching your kids strategies to manage the complexities of life is a lot more valuable than constant negative consequences.

Useful thanks. @LoveSpringDaffs the thought had crossed my mind that he maybe just disagrees. It would be good to have that chat. I am open to that if it’s thought out.

interesting @Rickrollme - I don’t go to that extent but it’s good to hear your viewpoint. I have spent years trying to get them independent (using strategies you mention) and he feel he’s mucked it all up in the last two years. Hence I suppose the resentment. He’s very day but day which annoys me. Think long term sometimes!

Yeh, i can see that. Lots of stay at home mums of teens pander over their teens too. Id see that more just because im friendly with them. If you are chasing after a teenager with the hockey stick they forgot on a regular basis, you need something for you in your life. A job, a hobby a sport, a project..

It's nice to be nice and it's nice to have a caring dad.

But at what point does it tip in to enabling them to the point that they'll be useless out there in the big bad world on their own?

Perhaps this is the angle to take with your DH? That he could be setting them up to fail later on, so it's time to start backing off form rescuing them every single time.

I think the nodding and then just going ahead is very disrespectful OP.

I would be very pissed off at that.

I think a lot of teens will treat you as a PA given half a chance, or mine would and do!

You need to have a sit down conversation and agree things.

He needs to know how upsetting it is when he disrespects you.

He thinks he is showing his love of them this way, but helping them to be a independent does that too.

I see your point, but I think you are too tough, too soon. Enjoy them. Or let your DH enjoy being needed whilst it lasts.

My H also tends to be willing to do more for my older teens than I am. I don't think it is so bad really, provided it is him who is doing it. There's certainly a lot worst traits! It's modelling kind, helpful behaviour at least. He may be overdoing it a bit, but I think it is an overreaction to lose your temper over it. Provided the teens are polite and appreciative, I'd nudge them/him in the direction of doing a bit more but I honestly wouldn't stress about it. Different if they behave in a way that is rude and entitled.

I don't think either you or your husband's approach is unreasonable, especially given where he's coming from. I probably lean more towards your tougher-love strategy myself. But their characters and lives are not going to be set in stone by either approach! Learning to grow up and take responsibility is an ongoing process and they will eventually get there regardless of whether your husband spoils them a bit at 16. Honestly it doesn't seem like the kind of thing to get mad at your partner about.

I’d do this and not even think about it. My dd is quite organised but we all make mistakes.

Even at 15 she’s still a child. I’m not sure you’re teaching them anything by not helping them. Maybe that their parents won’t lend a helping hand when they’re stuck?

My 2 are 12 and 15 and apart from a couple of times if I've left late or wfh , if they forget something that's it, because i'll be at work. (DH is barely able to remember his own wallet and phone so there's no chance of him organising the DC!) I probably wfh about once a fortnight and I can be flexible on days so I try and work around whether DC needs lifts or what might be helpful to them. When DD had mocks before Xmas they had about 45 min between exams but weren't allowed to stay at school, so I took her and a friend in the car. There was barely time to walk home in order to turn around and go back.

I felt awful the other day that DS (12) text to say he'd left his glasses at home, could I bring them to school. I didn't see the message til I was on the train.