Running around after teenagers.

[gardenhelpneeded]

Anyone else got a husband like this? Loves looking after people but completely ruining our teenagers. Much more noticeable since he’s wfh. Forgot their games kit - no problem I’ll hand it in to school etc… they’re 17 and 15! Cooks for them and doesn’t ask them to help.

Yesterday I lost the plot as I was about to have a nap (insomnia) and he asked me to help him look for a cricket jumper as my son had texted to say his was too small and he’s playing in a match that afternoon. Back to school he goes. (He’d already been down that morning taking tennis stuff for my eldest ). Although I thwarted that by texting my son to walk home (15 mins) and get it himself. This was all after me calmly talking to him about it and thinking he was on board.

The eldest in particular is quite lazy and a bit entitled. I’ve told DH he’s ruining them and it’s his fault. So mad. I said a couple of days ago- we need to look for opportunities for them to take responsibility and also natural consequences when they don’t, he agreed and then this!

What do I do? I’ve really lost my temper with him. But he agrees with me then does it anyway. He tells the boys off but then gets in the car to help them out anyway.

He lost his dad young which is probably a part of it but it’s so detrimental. Arghhhhhh

We all see things differently .
I work with teens and understand their needs and how they progress to adulthood.
Neglect can take different forms
Physical and emotional.
Over involvement can be as harmful as be under involved.
In over involvement its always the parent fulfilling their own unmet needs at the expense of their DC.
Op has posted and asked for advice.

Anything else you want to nit pick on?
Perhaps concentrating on your own situation might be best?

ps: must confess my husband doesn't understand insomnia either. That is a whole other issue !!

Apologies for the derail Op
What I have said is meant to be helpful and so I will leave the thread rather than engage further.

This thread should be retitled

My insomnia makes me angry and cross at everything

because that is the reality.

i feel for the op, but I also feel for those living with her as just be tough all round.

Taking items to school that a teenager has forgotten is just helping them out when they need it, and it won't necessarily mean that they won't grow up to be fully functioning adults.

They have a lot to organize, and unless they are super disciplined beings, things will get forgotten at times.

I don't suppose they are deliberately leaving items at home for dad to bring in later.

You could help them by insisting on a daily routine calendar, with the items needed for each day. (my son had one stuck to the inside of the front door so that he saw it before leaving the house).

I think your husband sound like an amazing Dad who will have a brilliant relationship with his children. I wanted my children's father to be like this but the only person he cares about is himself. My parents did so much for us, they would drive us anywhere or pick us up anytime and drop friends off anywhere. Rather than making us selfish or spoilt, it's made us grateful and thoughtful. And those same teenagers who were given lifts or ran to us after being thrown out by their parents, have 30 years later been there if my parents need anything, like a chimney taken down, help with a house move, emergency plumbers. I think rather than becoming selfish or incompetent, it made us secure and adventurous as we knew support and security was one phone call away. We are a very close family and will drop anything to help each other out. Whilst our mother didn't teach us to cook and clean by forcing us to do it, we have all asked her to show us when we needed those skills. My parents have ended up with sons who contact them almost daily to check on them, something my parents friends can't believe. I have people a know I can rely on if it all goes wrong so sometimes it makes you able to take more risks. I think your husband is doing it the right way and you may find he's the one with the amazing connection with his children in future, as he makes them secure not anxious.

No no no. It’s so bad for them. If they don’t learn natural consequences then they don’t learn to cope when they have to.

There is a direct correlation with boys being pampered and then becoming drink drivers/making terrible choices because they have missed the step of taking responsibility for their belongings and behaviour earlier on.

A good parent knows when to step in and when to step back. Don’t kid yourself it is ok to shield them from natural consequences if you want them to stay safe.

No but it sure is populated with a lot of clueless comments.

Yes I agree with your comment, I also wonder if the OP has considered whether she is entering menopause given her insomnia and anger issues.

interesting response to a dad taking a cricket jumper to school.

If I had to put money on something
i would put money on op seriously sleep deprived and menopausal

I believe your DH should leave you alone when you are trying to catch up on sleep. Insomnia is a serious health issue.

He and 2 teen boys can find whatever it is without waking you up.

It's nice that he helps them out. Maybe it would help more if he went over what they need to bring the night before?

I'm surprised at all the kids needing things brought to them at school. I would have been mortified if my parents showed up to my school as would my peers at the time. I remember offering to assist in the science lab and my kids were dead set against it.

Your husband sounds lovely, and is probably over compensating for what he never had, your teenagers will have lovely memories later on in life of all that he did for them, that is priceless.
All teenagers are forgetful, its just a stage, they will be absolutely fine.
My own two sons lost their Dad very young and l feel for them,.l do my best but l know they miss him, its very difficult at times trying to do it all, very stressfull, l feel under enormous pressure to get it right.
I can understand your frustrations, but at the same time you' ve got a very kind and loving Father to your teenagers, what a wonderful role model.

My ex wife is like this. She thinks she's being a great mum. What she's doing is repeating the cycle of her own childhood. Her parents turned her in to a person who has no self confidence for trying the simplest of things. Getting a bus or a train by herself.

Anything else you want to nit pick on?
It's not nit-picking to pick up on a comment you have made over & over on no evidence.

It's how a forum works, people commenting.

I explained my view, you can disagree if you wish

Your response is totally OTT. There is zero evidence of neglect by this parent 😂

Perhaps concentrating on your own situation might be best?

Really no idea what you mean by this shitty comment.

Good to hear.

There is a direct correlation with boys being pampered and then becoming drink drivers/making terrible choices because they have missed the step of taking responsibility for their belongings and behaviour earlier on.

I'd love to see your evidence for this. 🙄

This would annoy me too. My 17 year old has done a lot of her own cooking for years now - since going vegetarian. She's also worked 10 hours a week for the past year, and will be working almost full time in 2 jobs over the summer, juggling buses. That's not to say that she's totally organised, but at this age they're old enough to take on responsibility, to do what's needed. I'm there if necessary, but I don't pick up the pieces for small things. She recently missed a shift at work because her friends were partying and she didn't want to miss out. She then had to face the subsequent discussion with her boss at work, and the realisation that messing up her first job could mean missing out on a good reference and her choice of summer jobs. This is a great time to get out into the world and start learning, while the consequences of making mistakes are not too serious.

Please can you link to the evidence of this correlation?

I think l may have been guilty of pampering my son a bit ( l call it love)

Hrs never driven whilst drunk
Be was in charge of all the bills in student shared house
He works hard
Hes a feminist
He can cook and clean
He was brought up to respect women

l think it’s more about teaching respect than pampering.

I was just never like this as a teen. Managed my homework and my life though my parents never expected me to have an extra job or anything or do much round the house. My own kids have all been relatively instinctively organised. But if one has been very anxious, I will step in a bit and help out but I wouldn’t be able to keep running up
to school with stuff. But more flexibility working from home. If I did have a child who really struggled with organisation, I’d help but by encouraging them to get the strategies in place them self. It has to be a balance

Well it seems the OP has disappeared as most of us don’t agree with her viewpoint.

Not disappeared. Still reading and absorbing. Just been busy! Appreciate all responses. Good to have alternative viewpoints.

Those I’ve spoken to IRL understand my frustration but also point out it’s coming from a kind place. I think being expected to help when I was exhausted was the final straw that day. It’s good to have a reminder about how kind my DH is as I’m sure I take it for granted sometimes. I try not to.

We have spoken again, I apologised for losing my temper. I did ask him what he thought about what he does and he did actually say he knows it’s a bit much. So hopefully we can come to a balance where we’re being kind but not making them overly dependent on us. Thanks all!

Another thing my friend pointed out is that I’ve spent years doing all the running around when DH was working away and the kids were little (we’ve three). I’ve no interest in going back to running myself ragged. I suppose he may feel like he’d like to do it now and on reflection I understand that. I just don’t want to have to pick up the pieces when he starts travelling again!

Op - genuine question.
how did you sleep last night?