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Original poster

Running around after teenagers.

106 replies

gardenhelpneeded · 30/04/2022 13:44

Anyone else got a husband like this? Loves looking after people but completely ruining our teenagers. Much more noticeable since he’s wfh. Forgot their games kit - no problem I’ll hand it in to school etc… they’re 17 and 15! Cooks for them and doesn’t ask them to help.

Yesterday I lost the plot as I was about to have a nap (insomnia) and he asked me to help him look for a cricket jumper as my son had texted to say his was too small and he’s playing in a match that afternoon. Back to school he goes. (He’d already been down that morning taking tennis stuff for my eldest ). Although I thwarted that by texting my son to walk home (15 mins) and get it himself. This was all after me calmly talking to him about it and thinking he was on board.

The eldest in particular is quite lazy and a bit entitled. I’ve told DH he’s ruining them and it’s his fault. So mad. I said a couple of days ago- we need to look for opportunities for them to take responsibility and also natural consequences when they don’t, he agreed and then this!

What do I do? I’ve really lost my temper with him. But he agrees with me then does it anyway. He tells the boys off but then gets in the car to help them out anyway.

He lost his dad young which is probably a part of it but it’s so detrimental. Arghhhhhh

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 01/05/2022 08:29

If a child forgets their lunch and you let them go hungry so they make more of the effort not to forget next time - how is this different to an adult forgetting their lunch and going hungry and making more of an effort not to forget next time. My point is your husband lost his dad as a child - he is showing you what sort of father he wants to be with his kids who won’t be children under his daily care for much longer. If they don’t learn to remember their lunch until they are adults I don’t see the big deal - except on his time except he is clearly ok with it or he would refuse their requests. It sounds like you have already taught them responsibility - the odd trip to school by him is not going to ruin that.

layladomino · 01/05/2022 08:30

*I’d do this and not even think about it. My dd is quite organised but we all make mistakes.

Even at 15 she’s still a child. I’m not sure you’re teaching them anything by not helping them. Maybe that their parents won’t lend a helping hand when they’re stuck?*

This is a good point. I wasn't able to run around after teens as much as you're describing due to work, but I drummed in to them that if they were ever in a quandry, not matter what time of day or day, they should call me. I wanted them to know I had their back and wouldn't be angry if they needed help.

I know you aren't talking about matters of safety or crisis here OP, and I'm sure you would respond if they were, but I think as a general principal it's an important time in them knowing that parents have their back.

My DC are very independent and organised people so no harm done!

Fireflygal · 01/05/2022 08:34

Will your son go to Uni? I think there is balance but perhaps that's where you and your dh differ. He might feel you are too tough (not supportive enough) and over corrects.

Ultimately by his actions your dh is showing you that he isn't in agreement with you. Only time will tell if they are adequately supported or over indulged.

If they are going to Uni, getting on well at school academically, involved in sports, respectful at home etc then I don't think you should argue if your dh wants to run around after them.Waking you up is annoying so YANBU to be annoyed about that.

Templeblossom · 01/05/2022 08:41

II dont think that popping lunch to school or something forgotten is an issue if its a one off.
What the Op is describing are previously fairly independent teens who are now actively being encouraged to forgoe their age appropriate independence so that their father can fulfill his needs
He is trying to repair his loss but this is not a healthy way to do it.

I work with this age group btw

Springsunshine1 · 01/05/2022 08:52

I think there needs to be some balance, jumping at their every whim is not conducive to their growth. However, having grown up like your DH without that comfort, it is very difficult not to want to offer that love, kindness and safety to your own children.

Try and be empathetic with your DH, and sit down and really talk this through with him. Explain your reasons and let him explain his

MarshaBradyo · 01/05/2022 08:59

I have dropped trainers for 12 year old but I was going nearby anyway

I haven’t had to do that for 17 year old at all really for years

The latter wants to work pt (had one job already but owner was v bad with payment unfortunately) as well as A levels which I think is pretty good, his friends do too. So I think he has to be more self aware and not mess up a work stint.

Alliswells · 01/05/2022 09:02

I think your husband sounds absolutely lovely and your children are lucky to have him.

YRGAM · 01/05/2022 09:07

I'd also be keen to see a thread where a man 'loses it' with his partner for waking him up from a nap in the middle of the day to look for something one of the children needs at school. There'd be plenty of 'He sounds vile. Divorce him' I would imagine

tomatoandherbs · 01/05/2022 09:09

What is your relationship like with your sons?

and your dh?

aside from this particular issue

tomatoandherbs · 01/05/2022 09:10

I suspect your insomnia lies at the root of your anger and reaction

you are sleep deprived

Fairislefandango · 01/05/2022 09:38

All these comments about teenagers being toddlers 🙄, be kinder etc No wonder we have all the "my husband is useless threads

That would only logically follow if parents were only pandering to their male offspring. I agree teenagers are not toddlers and they need to be given responsibilities, but imo that is not the same as needlessly refusing to help them in order to make a point.

CreamFurry · 01/05/2022 09:45

Like OP I’m surprised at many of the posts and how much people do for their mid-late teens! Tbh, my mother did less than zero - the other extreme - not in a good way. I am very independent. But I also thought teens usually wanted their independence - cosseting could be quite annoying. I’m not sure whether it makes people selfish or not though. From this thread it appears not which surprises me a bit.

As to what OP says, I guess there are worse things? If DH wants to run himself ragged with silly errands I guess that’s up to him. If you are the more balanced one, they do have that role model anyway. Gives you time off too?! It may be that one of your sons is a bit entitled as a result, which might be irritating, but that’s not on you and you can’t control everything. Hopefully life will iron things out.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/05/2022 10:08

theres something a bit odd about parents who run up to secondary school all the time, like they cant bear to let their DC grow up.

Well, I personally can't do it at all as I'm in work full-time & am rarely close enough that I could run up, even if I wanted to.

But it's not odd. It's a choice.

I also think it's a massive leap to say it's because they don't want to let their DC grow up. They just choose to help them, and that's ok.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/05/2022 10:10

Theres a good mid ground between being an absent father and not encouraging your DC to take appropriate responsibility.

And I said this exactly, using the specific phrase 'middle ground' and suggested what that might be.

Choosing to do certain things for one's DC is not necessarily the same as not taking appropriate responsibility. There are a few options to achieve this, and it is pretty lovely to have such a caring dad (in this case).

Loopytiles · 01/05/2022 10:17

It’s U to wake someone experiencing insomnia from a nap to look for an item for a teen DC!

Loopytiles · 01/05/2022 10:20

Some posters seem to equate feelings of ‘loving’ and ‘caring’ with doing certain things ‘for’ teen DC.

Others that it’s better for DC not to do those things for them.

Templeblossom · 01/05/2022 10:34

EarringsandLipstick · 01/05/2022 10:08

theres something a bit odd about parents who run up to secondary school all the time, like they cant bear to let their DC grow up.

Well, I personally can't do it at all as I'm in work full-time & am rarely close enough that I could run up, even if I wanted to.

But it's not odd. It's a choice.

I also think it's a massive leap to say it's because they don't want to let their DC grow up. They just choose to help them, and that's ok.

In this case the DC are not being allowed appropriate levels of indepence by their father as he is fulfilling his own needs

Templeblossom · 01/05/2022 10:38

is pretty lovely to have such a caring dad (in this case)

A caring dad he may be but its clear that he is fulfilling his own needs here.
Op is right to be concerned that previously fairly independent teens are being treated this way.

sashagabadon · 01/05/2022 10:40

I think you have to suck it up a little bit as teenagers will forget stuff but I agree with you that they have to be weaned off helpful problem solving parents too.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/05/2022 10:41

I was guilty of this and it did them no favours in the end.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/05/2022 10:44

In this case the DC are not being allowed appropriate levels of indepence by their father as he is fulfilling his own needs

We simply don't know this.

We have a certain limited amount of information from
OP, but not enough to say they don't have 'appropriate levels of independence'. She talks about him bringing forgotten items to them and cooking dinner with no help. But there are many other ways to display independence.

You keep insisting this is the father fulfilling his own needs. You've no idea if this is so - he could just be a kind father who likes to show love this way.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/05/2022 10:44

Templeblossom · 01/05/2022 10:38

is pretty lovely to have such a caring dad (in this case)

A caring dad he may be but its clear that he is fulfilling his own needs here.
Op is right to be concerned that previously fairly independent teens are being treated this way.

You are really obsessed with 'fulfilling his own needs'.

That's an assumption by you.

sashagabadon · 01/05/2022 10:45

I have a dad like this too. If I rang him right now and asked me to drop something over to me or pick something up for me I know he would do it immediately. Obviously I am in my 50’s , he is in his 80’s and I absolutely wouldn’t ask him to do anything for me at all. He is just a lovely caring man and he would do it. I have sisters and brothers and he would do the same.
So I think maybe the problem is the kids should stop asking him to drop off forgetting stuff. That’s their responsibility too. Not to take advantage of their dad’s kind nature even if they can. Although I think it’s maybe unreasonable to expect teens to think like this. I know I didn’t in my teens.

Beamur · 01/05/2022 10:46

I'm with your DH here. I'll happily help my DD out if she misses a bus or forgets her lunch. It doesn't happen often, she's still learning to be responsible for herself so isn't going to get it right every time.
I'd rather know she can call me or her Dad and we'll help if we can. I don't think she's infantalised by this but secure in the knowledge she's got support.

lljkk · 01/05/2022 10:55

15 minute walk suggests 0.75 miles away : short distance, hardly a huge effort to go drop something in to school. I find it very nice your sons want to play cricket & care about the tennis kit. If you've had a kid who didn't want to participate or try their best, you'd more understand wanting to support & encourage.

DH has been known to cycle the 6 miles (each way, any type of weather) just to drop off some bit of kit a teenager forgot. DH likes any excuse to cycle. I'd be more reluctant, esp. in bad weather, but I don't think it's wrong to help when it's not hugely inconvenient to ourselves.

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