Running around after teenagers.

[gardenhelpneeded]

Anyone else got a husband like this? Loves looking after people but completely ruining our teenagers. Much more noticeable since he’s wfh. Forgot their games kit - no problem I’ll hand it in to school etc… they’re 17 and 15! Cooks for them and doesn’t ask them to help.

Yesterday I lost the plot as I was about to have a nap (insomnia) and he asked me to help him look for a cricket jumper as my son had texted to say his was too small and he’s playing in a match that afternoon. Back to school he goes. (He’d already been down that morning taking tennis stuff for my eldest ). Although I thwarted that by texting my son to walk home (15 mins) and get it himself. This was all after me calmly talking to him about it and thinking he was on board.

The eldest in particular is quite lazy and a bit entitled. I’ve told DH he’s ruining them and it’s his fault. So mad. I said a couple of days ago- we need to look for opportunities for them to take responsibility and also natural consequences when they don’t, he agreed and then this!

What do I do? I’ve really lost my temper with him. But he agrees with me then does it anyway. He tells the boys off but then gets in the car to help them out anyway.

He lost his dad young which is probably a part of it but it’s so detrimental. Arghhhhhh

my ex was like this with his DCs. It was very annoying and they turned out to be very spoiled, irresponsible, lazy people.
I was the opposite with my DD and she is now and always has been a very responsible person.

Dh has always been more likely to run around doing things for dd, offering lifts etc. though I did to an extend]t too. Much more so than my parents would have. Some things we couldn't have done as both at work each day, but beyond that we'd help where we could. Still do to an extent - Infact we've been known to give lifts to her friends, dh even helped one of her university friends love his stuff over to their new house as his parents wouldn't and wanted him to move it all himself by foot.

FWIW dd is perfectly capable of being independent and copes perfectly well living away from home, doesn't expect things to just happen for her, etc. She knows not to ask and expect, but is happy to accept if it's offered.

I think if your dh wants to do stuff for his children it's fine. So long as they learn not to expect it nor complain of others won't do things for them in the same way.

Thanks everyone! Food for thought. I think my reaction was also due to being annoyed at my 17 year old who can be quite entitled. He definitely needs to learn a bit more appreciation. My husband tends to deal with what’s in front of him rather than think long term. I take on board all the comments though. I can be quite black and white. Maybe I need to chill a bit. Sleep deprivation doesn’t help.

We’ve gone too from a situation where I was the main person at home to him doing it so that has taken some adjustment.

I was always (and still am) envious of people who's parents would do things like that for them. Due to difficult circumstances I had to be very responsible from early in my teens. As an adult I sometimes feel bogged down by responsibility and feel I've never really had any carefree time where I wasn't supposed to be in charge, organising things and being the adult. I want my kids to have that at home so I will probably do way too much for them.

Well my XH was like you and me like your DH (and yes I work full time). My children have all grown up into responsible and independent adults. They have said to me since that knowing I was always there for them no matter what helped them grow up feeling secure and loved. I was on the receiving end of many lectures from my XH about spoiling them, his parents didn’t do such things etc and ultimately I carried on parenting in the way I believed was right. I imagine that your boys will benefit greatly in the end from such an engaged dad and hands on role model, he sounds lovely. I think you need to step back, stop trying to be so controlling and perhaps try and have a conversation with your DH in which he is given space to put forward his own opinion. It seems a bit strange that its ok for you to go for a nap during the day but not ok for him to find something your son needs.

My kids school won't let us drop anything off they've forgotten - lunch, PE kit, cooking ingredients etc so that solves that for us!

I do take them to activities and friends houses (we live rurally and friends spread out) which isn't too often.

If they want to go into town with friends (4 miles away) they are quite happy to get the bus if it's not convenient to give them a lift.

And they cook 2-3 times a week (15 and 13).

Hopefully it's a good balance but with teens who knows?? 🤷‍♀️

Having a similar experience with 2 teens at the moment.. @WonderingWanda I also had a childhood with huge responsibility from a young age but I think it has made me less willing to help my teenagers. In fact, I find it hard to understand why thy are so unwilling to help out. I wish I was more like you. Reading your post made me think that I should be a lot kinder. My husband is also more likely to take pity on them and for example drive them to the train station 3/4 of a mile away which I feel they should walk! @Rickrollme I think that your idea of giving strategies is a good one. Not that they listen very often to be fair!

I have a 25 year old who was very forgetful and chaotic as well as pretty angry and he has become a lovely adult. It really does take quite a long time though. The more I mess up, the more I do feel that patience and support seem to be best. However only if it is possible. It will do them good if they forget something and nothing can be done for example if you are at work. The OP's DH wfh situation does mean that he is available to help with calamities much more often.

I think teenagers are very interesting whilst very frustrating creatures indeed.

I think my kids are possibly a bit more independent than some of their peers because we are mostly out of the house at work and can't do the drop offs if they've forgotten something or take them to every club (all their activities are within walking distance but I don't like them to walk when it's dark) but it's not that I won't do things for them. I will make a pack lunch in the morning for DD, do her hair, iron her uniform etc and do as much as I can to help her get ready, but once I've left for work they know I won't be able to get back for emergency deliveries!

@gardenhelpneeded How old was your DH when he lost his dad?

@TwigTheWonderKid he was 9.

Really interesting to hear how childhood experiences impact. I was definitely cosseted maybe too much. I was very organised and independent though. I just want a balance for mine.

I think that might be a factor. I lost both my parents when I was young and it has definitely affected the way I parent. I think I am acutely aware of what it feels like to not have someone who would literally do anything for you and also it makes you aware of how precious and fragile everything is. It means I don't take my children for granted or ever assume I will be there to see them grow up. Because of that I do try hard not to make them dependent on me but equally I try to seize any opportunity to do something loving for them as I never know when that might be snatched away.

I am not suggesting that your DH is the same as me, but the loss of a parent is such a profound and life-long experience that I would be surprised if that wasn't a factor in this.

I’m surprised at these comments. Would you honestly run stuff to school for teenagers?

Yes. It's easy to forget things. Adults do it too. If my dh left something at home I'd drop it off for him too.

I agree there's a balance but your DH sounds like a genuinely kind, nice bloke. I used to volunteer with teenagers whose parents didn't care about them at all which is very sad. I know from my own personal experience that growing up in a kind, loving family is the best start in life. My 88 year old DM still spoils me - and I am over 60 .

I think it's a fine balance. I do a fair bit for mine but then they know I'm always supporting them and they do do a lot for themselves too. It's a balance but your dh is being a good dad, something I wish mine had...

I think you should see the positive. We never stop hearing about fathers who don't do enough for their children. My oldest son's father has never been around at all. If your problem is your husband does "too much" for your teenage sons I'd count your lucky stars.

My husband is exactly the same he is the most caring person I've ever met. Would do anything for me and kids and he runs round after them too. I'm forever telling him off. But the kids absolutely adore him. Everyone does and I'm the hard arse lol. But I moan then see my friend who's kids get nothing from their dad and I know we are blessed .

My dad lost his dad when he was a teen and also was super helpful and reliable when I was growing up. He still is actually. I love him so much. I often will think to myself even now how lucky I am to have such a great and caring dad. Tbh I was v forgetful as a teen and having to fend for myself would have just stressed me out more and I would have just dropped anything bar actual necessary school if I didn't have my dad's support. I am a organised and reliable adult now. No harm done.

If it was really important, a one off and I was at home
Yes.
On a daily basis
No

All these comments about teenagers being toddlers 🙄, be kinder etc
No wonder we have all the "my husband is useless threads"
Mine cycled and took their own stuff from the age of 11.
They werent allowed phones in school so if they forgot , that was it.
The school secretary could call if it was very important but they learned to check and look after their stuff, even the one with ADHD had a routine to ensure things werent forgotten.
Your DH is actually selfish, hes babying them for his own gratification.
There was always a parent here for chats, after school and emergencies but not allowing your DC to take appropriate responsibility is very poor, its not kindness, its the opposite.
They get to Uni and its awful for them, they have to learn it over night.

He lost his dad young which is probably a part of it but it’s so detrimental.

I'd say this does play a large part.

I have to say, as much as I take your points on board, your DH sounds lovely. He cares for his DC & shows his love through these acts.

I am a single parent to 3 DC whose father is disinterested in their lives (and very involved overall). That definitely influences how I view your caring DH!

I also think you are wrong to 'lose' it with him.
There's a middle ground. In terms of responsibility, your teens can be given specific tasks to do eg cook one meal a week, do the ironing, clean the car. My DC are younger but they have to do quite a lot & take a lot of responsibility as I work f/t, have no help & they do a lot of sports / activities.

Then on the other side if your DH is happy to pop to the school with forgotten items or help them out, I think that's fine.

Your DH is actually selfish, hes babying them for his own gratification.

That's a silly and unfair thing to say - the DC are lucky to have a dad that loves them so much. Why would you think it's for 'his own gratification'? And of course they can cope later, as above, there is more than one way to impart this.

and very uninvolved* overall, I should say

@WonderingWanda very good post.My mum walked out when I was young, so was just my dad with us working full time.Had to bring ourselves up and at points in my life I’ve got fed up with being the “strong, resilient organiser”.
most parents who’ve suffered a childhood incident of a loss of parent tend to overcompensate parenting to their children as they know the feelings of not having that adult to help catch them, guide them in their mistakes.
For the OP I can see their points in black an white, but there’s a lot of grey in there too with dp’s feelings on parenting.
By running a sports kit etc occasionally won’t turn them into spoilt adults.If it’s turning into everyday, then it’s more to do with having a chat to them on their organisational skills and prioritising being ready for activities.Also wfh has added to the luxury of catching the mistake before it happens.
OP I think you have had your chat, made your feelings clear.Have a chat with the kids on organisation and see how it pans out.

Your DH is actually selfish, hes babying them for his own gratification.

Absolute madness. What a ridiculous and unpleasant thing to say.

OP, I see your point but I think you're making this into an unnecessarily big issue. Your husband taking things to your kids isn't going to turn them lazy or spoilt - the benefits to them of knowing their dad has their back will far outweigh any risk of them becoming lazy. Also, what do you mean by 'losing it'? Shouting?

I did this with my two , until they left home in their early 20's. Both of them are married with their own kids now, and have always been perfectly organised in their lives. Don't worry about it, OP , let your husband spoil them if he wants to. He sounds like a lovely dad, I'm sure they appreciate him.

I dont think its silly or unfair.
Theres a good mid ground between being an absent father and not encouraging your DC to take appropriate responsibility.
Its not one or the other and theres something a bit odd about parents who run up to secondary school all the time, like they cant bear to let their DC grow up.
Very different to being an engaged parent with appropriate boundaries and support.
Its not an issue for those of us who teach and encourage appropriate independance as its very rare anything is forgotten, there is no issue.
The DH is creating an issue so he can " rescue" which is not a healthy behaviour.
Im sorry your ex is absent but what the Op describes is not the answer.