What should a father be expected to do?

[amazingworldofgumball]

For context

I am a first time mother. My DD is two months old.

My DH is now a second time father.

We both run a successful business together which means we're able to take about 6 months off together with our newborn.

My Question

I say he should be doing equal to what I do - ie feeding, changing, bathing, night feeds as well as general household chores.

He says he's willing to feed, bathe and look after DD while I cook/shower/clean/sleep.

I grew up in a pretty traditional household so my mother did the majority of pretty much everything while my father worked. DH's parents were the same, and he was the same with his first child.

I do feel a little cheated, but I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much or not enough?

I don't get it. So neither of you are working at all at present? So why on earth wouldn't it be 50/50?

If you're both off work -you should expect him to do the same amount as you. The same amount of parenting, the same amount of cleaning, the same amount of cooking, the same amount of waking up at night, the same amount of nappies and sick.

the only 'not-shared' thing would be breastfeeding if you are doing that.

What isn't reasonable is that he decides he's only going to parent his own child when you are otherwise occupied keeping house for him.

What exactly does he think he's off work for? A nice relax?

I try to work it so DH and I have equal downtime; irs not fair if I’m always doing stuff while he’s relaxing or vice versa

Both off work - definitely 50/50. Who does he think he is - saying he’ll take care of the baby while you cook and clean?!

Would it be any advantage to split the duties based on who's more effective at x duties ?

50/50 in those circumstances, obviously.

we were in a similar situation for about a year and my husband probably did more than I did.

I’m confused. What’s he doing off work if he’s not planning to actively take care of the baby? If he’s not going to pitch in he can get the fuck back to work.

So he is basically on holiday while you do childcare?
If he doesn't want to look after the baby then might as well go back to work and contribute financially.
Have you asked him why he thinks you should be doing it all and he should only look after the baby when you clean? And what does he do the rest of the time?

Is your business going to run it's self for 6 momths ......

Anytime that you are both not working it should be 50/50

If you are both off at the same time it should be 50/50, not him just looking after baby whilst you are doing housework etc otherwise you won't get much time to yourself.

I would make sure this changes asap otherwise when you do go back to work you will end up juggling work, housework & the baby

He's willing to feed, bathe and look after DD while you cook/shower/clean/sleep.

It follows then that you can feed, bathe and look after DD while he cooks, showers, cleans and sleeps.

If you are both doing equal 'business' work, then you both do equal baby work and equal house work. That should leave you both with equal 'do whatever the hell I like' time. It's a partnership.

Half, but it doesn't have to be the SAME half. So you hate doing the laundry, and he hates mowing the lawn, he loves to cook, you like to iron (I mean I've heard that some people actually do like to iron!). So you divide it up. If you both hate doing (or love to) then take turns - you do bins one week he the next.
As for baby - if you are breastfeeding he obviously can't do that, but maybe he could then do bath time.

'Traditional' households are fine IF the father is working. It's hardly relevant if he's not!! How have you got two months in without pulling him up on this/leaving him already?

I agree with everyone else, you’re both off work, so you both do 50/50. I also agree that it doesn’t need to be the same 50/50, and that will depend on whether or not you’re breastfeeding, but it should be comparable. For arguments sake, let’s assume you’re not breastfeeding for simplicity, is he incapable of doing certain tasks because he is male, because he has a penis? Of course he’s not, so he should be doing them. And no, you’re not expecting too much, plenty of fathers play an equal role in parenting and domestic life.

Sounds so weird him dictating what he will do . Surely you both just do what needs doing at any given time rather than be so regimented about it .

If you're working, surely you should split everything evenly?

Though he should be doing more cooking and cleaning if you're breastfeeding, since that's a huge time commitment in itself.

Just out of interest, why does he think it's ok that you do most things while he slacks off? Tell him to shape up or get back to work.

What’s happening to your business for 6 months?

I would suggest a 50/50 split

If neither of you is working then he should do more than 50% as you need to rest more and restore your health after being pregnant and childbirth

What is he doing with all his spare time then? And why is he saying you can't have the same?

He should be expected to do everything you do/can with the obvious exceptions (e.g if you breastfeed). He lives in the house so he has equal responsibility to keep it clean and tidy

If he’s not doing half he should go back to work.

50/50 with the both having the same amount of free time. How does he think it should be played?!

“He says he's willing to feed, bathe and look after DD while I cook/shower/clean/sleep..”

What does he think he’s doing you some kind of a favour?? My OH does more than that and does it happily ….I’m on mat leave and he works full time…

If he goes back to work, you can use the money to pay for a cleaner and nice ready meals/takeaways which will make your life easier.

Isn't it more trouble than it's worth having him around the house to cook for and clean after if all he's willing to do is hold the baby for a little bit? I'd rather be on my own and suiting myself, tbh!