What should a father be expected to do?

[amazingworldofgumball]

For context

I am a first time mother. My DD is two months old.

My DH is now a second time father.

We both run a successful business together which means we're able to take about 6 months off together with our newborn.

My Question

I say he should be doing equal to what I do - ie feeding, changing, bathing, night feeds as well as general household chores.

He says he's willing to feed, bathe and look after DD while I cook/shower/clean/sleep.

I grew up in a pretty traditional household so my mother did the majority of pretty much everything while my father worked. DH's parents were the same, and he was the same with his first child.

I do feel a little cheated, but I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much or not enough?

Why wouldn't he be doing half? My husband did! It's all very well some people saying "play to your strengths", but really anyone can change a nappy, and no-one loves it. Funny how some men's strengths are all the quicker or less frequent jobs.

He's a lazy shite. I was in the 'father' position and I was working most of the time DD was this age, and I did more than it sounds like he's doing.

What on earth is he doing with his time?!

I'm not sure if I am understanding your OP, but are you saying you've both got 6months off (together, ie., both of you off) for the first six months? Is he also trying to run the business during this time, despite being formally 'off'? That's all I can imagine would even make this sound logical to him.

But if it is that - and he's working part-time during this period - he still needs to step up and do more. Ordinary parents working full time routinely do more than he's doing for a mother who's on maternity leave.

On what basis is his issue with 50/50? What's his reason for wanting it otherwise? What does he say if you say to him 'Why don't you want to do half?'

I don't buy into this mother/father business. We are both parents. We do equal amounts.

Don't stand for less.

I am puzzled by him telling you what he is "willing" to do and expecting him to pick up the rest. Why not tell him what you are "willing" to and tell him all the rest is his?

If he thinks it is a reasonable thing to say - then it is reasonable for you to say it too.

Of course it would be even better if he would engage in an adult conversation about shared tasks, but it seems you have married a man-child.

Sorry - expecting YOU ....

Asshole.

You should both have roughly equal downtime. He can do everything bar breastfeed (which might not even be a consideration).

So what did he do before you had your baby? Did he not do any cleaning or cooking or has he now lost the ability to do these things now you've had a baby?

I brought this up last week funnily enough, and the idea of hiring a cleaner or a nanny doesn't sit well with him. Plus his mother would be absolutely mortified if she knew I'd hired help.

Our business is being run by our 3 other staff members for the next 4 months (and for the past 2). We both will take a work related call every few days or so, send a few emails etc., but apart from that we're both on full-time parental leave.

I would love for him to help more than what he currently does, but he says I'm expecting too much because he won't always be here to help when he goes back to work (more than likely before I will), which makes sense.

So he's not going to help now because he won't be around to help at a later date? You have to manage stuff on your own whilst he's there, because eventually he'll be returning to work?

What does he actually do with his time, whilst you're doing what needs doing? How does he occupy himself?

What a lazy nob

Bloody step up and parent your bloody child and take your turn with chores in the house.

Jfc. It genuinely saddens me that women put up with this shit.
How did you keep a straight face when he said 'he can't help now because he can't help when he goes back to work'? I mean, it's absurd isn't it?

Johnson is by no doubt the worst PM we have had in over 50 years. The long term damage to our economy, in our trust of due political process, to the number of preventable covid deaths, to worsening the lives of the least well off, especially women. Let alone the terribleness of his personality as a lying, narcissistic cunt.
Thatcher next. Cameron will be shown to be the one that was the most weak and fucked it up by starting Brexit to save his career. Blair's action of the Iraq war is unforgivable and makes him as bad as Thatcher. He too is a narcissist.
Brown could have been great if it wasn't for Blair.
Major was actually OK, though policy wise I disagreed with most. May was a hardened cow but far more moral than BJ.

Fuck that! Sexist bastard. What was he like before you had a baby? Did he do 50% then? I think he is trying his luck. If not, he has some attitudes which need an immediate revision.

he says I'm expecting too much because he won't always be here to help when he goes back to work (more than likely before I will), which makes sense.

No, it doesn't.

For one thing, he isn't 'helping'. He's on leave just as much as you are!

What would happen if you decided (as the person recovering from pregnancy and labour) that you needed to go stay with your mum for a night or two? And you pumped milk and left him alone? I'm not suggesting you do it - you might not want to (I wouldn't), but there's no reason you shouldn't.

What he is doing isn't 'help'. It's his duty.

Secondly - does he really not get why newborns might be harder work than older babies?! The reason mothers of newborns have rough time is because those mothers are still recovering from birth, and because newborns are biologically programmed to require the support of two (or more!) parents and caregivers. Newborns are hard work.

It might be his six or nine or 12 month baby is also hard work - in which case he may need to think again about his work commitments. But certainly, his newborn baby is likely to be very hard work. This is not a situation where he 'trains' you to become used to dealing with the baby on your own.

Plus his mother would be absolutely mortified if she knew I'd hired help.

It doesn't sound as if you need to hire help - you already do most of the cleaning, right? But if he's not able to do his half, then he needs to hire a cleaner, and he can be the one to explain to his mum that, although you do your share, he doesn't do his.

You’ve not got yourself a good man there.

Never mind he’s a man.
What should a parent be doing? And what household chores should an adult be doing?
Not working? 50/50.
Perhaps this is part of the reason why the relationship with his ex broke down.

he isn't "helping" make damn sure you reframe that for him. The two of you are responsible for caring for a newborn during these months. It doesn't matter that he will go back to work or you will or anything what matters is what needs to be done now.

And tell him if he wants to follow his mother's rules about outside help, then he should have married her, not you.

honestly he sounds like a lazy shit who thought he'd get 6 months off, lots of people telling him what a progressive dude he was taking paternity leave but with no actual thought of doing some actual work. tosser.

Was he this useless before you had the baby or was he full of promises of equality until he actually had to follow through? I’m also of the 50/50 while you are both on leave camp.

Baby is not your job and his hobby.

Why are you with him - he sounds awful

I would love for him to help more than what he currently does, but he says I'm expecting too much because he won't always be here to help when he goes back to work (more than likely before I will), which makes sense

No, no, no it doesn't. You do realise he is setting you up to never be able to do anything because of the kids? Want to go out for the evening? 'Baby won't settle for me, they are used to you'. Want to go out for dinner? A million phone calls making you feel guilty because he's 'having a tough time'. Don't fall for his shit, if he's not going to pull his weight then he needs to go back to work, at least then he's contributing something

Glad you've got a successful business together cos your relationship is shitter than shit

And fuck what his mother thinks, if he's that worried he should actually do his fair share, or you buy it in. There should not be an option where you just suck it up while he sits on his lazy arse just so his mother doesn't get offended

He says he is willing to feed, bathe, and look after dd while I cook/shower/clean/sleep.

A. I would be sleeping a lot if I were you.
B. What does he intend to do the rest of the time?