What should a father be expected to do?

[amazingworldofgumball]

For context

I am a first time mother. My DD is two months old.

My DH is now a second time father.

We both run a successful business together which means we're able to take about 6 months off together with our newborn.

My Question

I say he should be doing equal to what I do - ie feeding, changing, bathing, night feeds as well as general household chores.

He says he's willing to feed, bathe and look after DD while I cook/shower/clean/sleep.

I grew up in a pretty traditional household so my mother did the majority of pretty much everything while my father worked. DH's parents were the same, and he was the same with his first child.

I do feel a little cheated, but I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much or not enough?

It doesn't make sense at all. You don't need to get used to doing it all on your own for when he returns to work, it's BS frankly. 50/50 of every single thing, then before he returns you sit down and work it out the balance of childcare, housework and business so that both of you have EQUAL leisure time. That's what is fair. You don't need to prepare, you adjust when he does back to work not before. He is completely off in his reasoning. Please don't let this go, otherwise it just gets worse and puts cracks and resentment into your relationship. Equal leisure time and sharing all the tasks including housework and cooking and mental load is what's fair.

So he's doing you a favour by teaching you how to cope pretty much alone for when he returns to work. Ah he's so thoughtful 😆. Nice try mate! What a ridiculous thing to say. Tell him in that case he may as well go back now and save paying oh here's to run the business. What a chancer!

Sorry so your both on leave for 6 months but his is basically a holiday and you need to do all the chores and look after the baby with his occasional assistance.
Please grow a back bone and tell him to fuck off. Honestly man children like this give me the ick.
He is a parent or he fucks off back to work and you hire someone in if you want.
Surely you just both split it?
This website is like a different universe sometimes.

Agree 100% with all the PP's who have said he's just a lazy entitled shit !

You will BOTH be going back to work (doesn't matter who goes back when ffs !), and you're BOTH parents of a newborn, and you're BOTH on leave NOW !

So, ALL babycare/bathing/feeding etc should be 50/50 !
All housework/domestic chores/shopping/cooking etc should be 50/50 !

What happens in a few months time doesn't bloody matter ! Life will be constantly changing, and you will change with it. What's important is that he sees he's being a sexist prick NOW, because he intends to ALWAYS have YOU do all the 'work' he doesn't bloody want to do !!

When he says you need to do all the babycare because HE'LL be 'going back to work soon', you need to say 'That's NOT going to work, because I'LL also be going back to work, AND I'll be having time out with family/friends etc as well as hobbies etc, so YOU'D better get used to doing 50% of ALL child care, because THAT'S NEVER GOING TO CHANGE !'

Did his mother work full time? Traditional roles - mother at home doing everything father out to work earning all the money. I'm not saying that's good but it's much better than father is a lazy shit and mother works full time and does everything else.

Firstly he's not 'helping' it's his job to parent his dc. Whilst he's off work it should be 50/50, whilst he's at work and you're on mat leave you do 100% of the child rearing and as much housework, life admin as you can sensibly manage. When he is home home, morning and evening, you both do 50% of everything

I’m confused. Are posters missing the fact that OP’s DH also said he is willing to look after the baby while she sleeps? I don’t see a problem here.

Oh hold on. Do you mean he is willing to do baby duties only? Never any cooking or cleaning? If so no that’s not fair. Unless you course you find cooking and cleaning preferable to looking after your baby.

So does he get more down time than you? When you're looking after the baby / the home, what is he doing? He can't honestly believe that he's entitled to more rest and downtime than you? Why has he taken 6 months off if he isn't doing 50/50 share of looking after the baby? I'm amazed he thinks this is OK. The whole purpose of maternity / paternity leave is to take time with your new child / new family and to ease in to parenthood. If he doesn't think parenting is his job, why does he need 6 months off?

He's either lazy or selfish or deeply mysogenstic or a combination of those things.

You don't see a problem with the other parent being "willing" to do the stuff for the child when the OP isn't there? So he sees her as default? Even though they have even time off.

Never just picking the baby up for a feed, bum change etc because Mum is there?

He doesn't get to dictate what he's prepared to do 😂 as others have said, if you're both off work it should be 50/50. Fair enough if you each have tasks you prefer, you can negotiate who does what, but don't let him tell you he's only prepared to do XY or Z while you basically do everything else - and tell him it's a deal breaker!

What on earth is he doing with his time

Sit him down and tell him that it is joint and he needs to step up

How about suggesting though that he goes back for the next 4 months and then you go back and he takes 4 months off - splitting it 6 months each makes a lot more sense

This needs fixing now though otherwise he will always take precedent

He's supposed to act as a parent to the baby when the other parent is awake, too.

Does he look after his other child at all or is that down to you or its mother.

I would love for him to help more than what he currently does, but he says I'm expecting too much because he won't always be here to help when he goes back to work (more than likely before I will), which makes sense.

It really doesn't make sense, you know.

He shouldn't help now because you'll get used to it and not be able to manage later? What a ludicrous cop-out.

If that's his attitude (that basically you should do now what you'd do if he wasn't there)

It's akin to saying he should never have to parent at weekends because then you'd not be able to cope during the week. Oh wait, I bet he does that too?

Basically it's a giant cop out that shows no respect for you. He could make your life easier now and bond more with your child but he refuses to.... for your own good?

Fuck that paternalistic bullshit.

I'd suggest he go back to work now and take the rest of his leave after you've gone back to work. (I'd generally suggest this anyway, the best preventive to women becoming the default primary parent is to actually have the father doing the primary parent job for a while.)

I honestly think you should have asked this question 1 child ago. It doesn't matter how your mum did it, you are both working and both share equal responsibility. I'm a sahm and my dh still does anything my dc need. He doesn't ask, he just engages his brain and decides what needs to be done. You are no more a parent than he is. You need to get out of that mentality that the kids and home is your job. It's not. It's both of your children and you both live there.

Don't put up with this shit. He should be looking after you and be doing at least half the work.

he says I'm expecting too much because he won't always be here to help when he goes back to work (more than likely before I will), which makes sense.
Thats a totally cop out though, because right now he’s not at work and you can easily reevaluate job / chores etc when that time comes. Just as you will need to do that when YOU go back to work, or does he expect you to do it all AND work?

Whether it needs to be split 50/50 (ie you cook half the week he cooks half the week) is dependent on your own personal circumstances. For example I do all the cooking, but DP does all the dishes.

He needs to be doing more at the end of the day, and no, it’s not unfair to expect him to pitch in a fair amount around the house. It absolutely IS unfair for him to expect you to do it all though.

It’s really not surprise he has a hand maiden of a mother though, he needs to change his mindset ASAP or the relationship won’t work, as you’ll start resenting him and honestly it’s easier to live alone and do it all than live with a pathetic man child that you’re picking up after and waiting on while he plays daddy for a few hours and thinks he’s “giving you a break” by letting you clean his dirty pants and feed his mush.

Dh did a lot more than 50/50 as he said I needed to rest and recover.
I did mixed feeds so he gave the babies a bottle at night so u could sleep.
Dh took 3 days of with ds1 and 2 days with Ds2 as he was self employed.
Aa soon as he came home he took over duties.

Tell him he'd better start transferring money into your bank account every month then. Seeing as you'll be divorcing him for not pulling his socks up, he may as well get used to paying child maintenance.

This is really a pivotal issue in your life OP. He is making it crystal clear to you that he thinks he is more important to you and that he doesn't care what you think. He is treating you like a piece of property.

What are you going to do?
How about calling a meeting with him and discussing it properly.

Did you both choose to have a baby?
I'm curious why you are concerned what his Mum would think? I get on well with my MIL but it wouldn't cross my mind I need to impress her with my housework.

This is not right in the slightest and you end up in a situation where it continues when you are both back at work.
Me and dh both work full time and I am actually the breadwinner, yet I do 75%+ of it all. Housework, kids, running the home, making plans etc.
It's ruining my marriage and I wish I'd stamped it out years ago with our first ensuring I was never the default.

• he is not HELPING. it's not your job to look after the house and children where he can chip in a little, when he feels like it. It's half his job.
• also it would not be YOU hiring cleaners/nannies. This again implies it's all your job and nothing to do with him.

honestly you need to deal with this immediately. Because you're planning to go back to work soon too, right? Do you think he will then start doing half the housework and childcare, if he doesn't do any when on actual parental leave?

I guess we can look forward to two years time to the following post from the op 'Aibu to be utterly miserable? My dh does nothing to help and I have two under 3 and I'm pregnant.'

Listen to us op. This guy is a wanker.

I am a first time mother. My DD is two months old

This is at odds with your previous posts.