What should a father be expected to do?

[amazingworldofgumball]

For context

I am a first time mother. My DD is two months old.

My DH is now a second time father.

We both run a successful business together which means we're able to take about 6 months off together with our newborn.

My Question

I say he should be doing equal to what I do - ie feeding, changing, bathing, night feeds as well as general household chores.

He says he's willing to feed, bathe and look after DD while I cook/shower/clean/sleep.

I grew up in a pretty traditional household so my mother did the majority of pretty much everything while my father worked. DH's parents were the same, and he was the same with his first child.

I do feel a little cheated, but I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much or not enough?

If I was you I’d go back to work and leave him to it.

I brought this up last week funnily enough, and the idea of hiring a cleaner or a nanny doesn't sit well with him

^

That's because they cost money.

But he's willing to let you do it?

He could do it himself?

🤔

I was breast feeding constantly, so I did that and my husband did most other things including making me meals etc. You could argue he did the lion’s share, whilst I was mainly resting. I definitely wouldn’t say it was 50/50.

I think it’s better to look at it that you should both have similar down time. In any given day, week, month or year, the amount of time you each have available to meet your own basic needs, self care, friends and hobbies should be comparable, regardless of exactly how the ‘work’ is split. It is not fair if one parent is only allowed a break from childcare to do other chores, if the other is chilling on the regular. It is if the other parent is working a million hours a week, it might be reasonable. I think it’s perceived equity of free time that sours a partnership more than anything.

And in this case, that’s a lot more than the father is proposing. He needs to shape up or be shipped out. Half, at least (because he didn’t just make a whole other person and have them exit his body in a fairly traumatic way)

I would love for him to help more than what he currently does, but he says I'm expecting too much because he won't always be here to help when he goes back to work (more than likely before I will), which makes sense.

What nonsense. You won't always be recovering from childbirth and caring for a tiny baby who needs constant care and attention and who wakes multiple times during the night.

Why are you putting up with this? Time to go on strike. Stop with the cooking and cleaning - just don't do it, unless absolutely necessary or related to the baby. Make it clear that if he doesn't do it, it's not getting done. My DH went back to working long hours two weeks after our baby was born - he helped when he was around (including taking the baby in the evening/at weekends so I could sleep), I lived on sandwiches and posh ready meals the rest of the time and we hired a cleaner once a week to keep the house in decent order. If he'd come home expecting his dinner cooked, I honestly would have laughed in his face.

I don't see how that makes sense. So what if he won't be able to do as much when he's at work, he's not at work NOW. Presumably he means when he's back at work and you're not, because if you are at work too, 50/50 would only be fair then to.

He's a twat.

I wonder what the mum of his first child thinks. I can guess.

I have a 6 month old and both me and my partner are at home
I feed - breast feeding and baby doesn’t take bottle
I do the bathing - it’s part of night time routine which includes final breast feed so makes sense
i do the cooking because my partner cant cook
my partner does the washing up and majority of daily tidying
I do the deep cleans but I prefer it that way
he does a lot of the entertaining of the baby

I do the night wakes
he often gets up with baby in morning and I have a lay in.
i think we have found a balance I wouldn’t say it’s 50/50 but it works for us

What kind of absolute nob takes 6 months parental leave and then doesn't think he should do 50/50?

he says I'm expecting too much because he won't always be here to help when he goes back to work (more than likely before I will), which makes sense.

No that makes zero sense at all.

"Better not 'help' you too much now in case you get used to it when I go back to work".......what an idiot!!!!

Honestly despise men who use the word 'help' in regards to parenting.

I brought this up last week funnily enough, and the idea of hiring a cleaner or a nanny doesn't sit well with him. Plus his mother would be absolutely mortified if she knew I'd hired help.

Put your foot down. "We're hiring a cleaner"..."and whatever else I need to make the first few months a little easier"
He's decided for you that you are doing the cleaning. You can decide for yourself that you would rather hire a cleaner.

Also who cares what his mother thinks?

Sorry messed up the quotes there on that post!!

I would love for him to help more than what he currently does, but he says I'm expecting too much because he won't always be here to help when he goes back to work (more than likely before I will), which makes sense.

It doesn't make sense. The whole point of paternity leave is that he isn't working now and he is available for parenting duties. In 4 months time he will be unavailable some of the time and that is an entirely different set of circumstances with different expectations. Is he also saying he'll never do any parenting at weekends in case you get used to it and then 'expect too much' in the week?!

This is the equivalent of someone turning up for work but refusing to do anything in case their employer misses the labour when they're not there.

If you can, I'd arrange to go out for as long as you feel able (a day would be ideal, but obviously tricky if you're breastfeeding) and leave him to parent on his own without you. I suspect he really needs to experience the reality of hands on parenting without support in order to understand the value of what you're asking for. The alternative is potentially 'seriously' suggesting that you leave him for a day, then pointing out that the potential situation that fills him with horror is what you do every day and is why you need more support when he's available.

So basically parental leave to him is a vacation where he cuddles the baby for a bit? I mean. I suspect his offer to care for the baby while you sleep means you can have a short nap during the day, not that you’re getting a full 8 hours overnight while he takes over?

With his logic, presumably you never eat out because no point in having someone cook for you occasionally when you’ll have to go back to preparing your own meals when you go home. Or you clean your own hotel room etc because you won’t have housekeeping staff.

The whole point of him being around on parental leave is for extra help NOW.

I'd be tempted to do the same amount as him, apart from looking after your DC. That means if he doesn't cook for you, don't cook for him, no housework unless he does some. Pretty soon you'll be living in a tip, but that's his lookout as you will be doing your bit looking after your DC, so his job then should become everything else. Go on strike - don't put the work on if he's not, maybe then, he will get the message. Sounds like he wants a house slave so he can have it cushy - fuck that!

Not doing 50/50 now so you don't get used to his help if he were to return to work before you do is a pathetic excuse. Parenting now and in 4 months will be different anyway. Things will change week to week or month to month with babies and young children, not being on hand as much in 4 months time is absolutely no reason to shirk responsibility now.

This is why I was glad that I'd split up with my dd's father before she was born. He would have been like that and taken all the joy out of looking after her.

By myself I loved doing everything for her and didn't have to deal with a misogynist hanging around the house and demanding services at the same time.

If I were you I'd go back to work asap and leave him to work it out for 6 months. Then you have your 6 months. Or both do every other week for a year.

He's a self important nob really isn't he.

50:50 but you should discuss how this should be split. E.g. if you look after the baby more he should do more of the house work for example.

He's an arse, clearly, but the worrying thing is that you seem at least partially convinced by his sad excuses.

Have you said, hmm, I am only willing to bathe the baby while you clean the kitchen? Why does he get to refuse to parent his own child and do housework, while you do everything he wants done?

And WTF has his mother's opinion got to do with you hiring a cleaner? You are an adult. It's your house. It's your rules. And unless dh is doing the cleaning you want done to the standard you want it, he has no business vetoing it.

C'mon, OP, you wouldn't put up with this crap at work. Don't put up with it at home.

You husband is a lazy knob. He should be doing 50% of everything, bar breastfeeding

I was at home for 12 years. Basically 50% or divide chores etc,

When my daughter was a newborn. I would sleep upstairs with her. When she woke I would change her then take her to mum for a feed and we'd swap.

Cooked, cleaned, looked after kids. I think things should be shared as much as possible if you are both at home especially.

The one who earns most money should go back to work, if you both work everything should still be shared but I have no doubt one person will do more.

Sounds anal but have an agreement on who does what and on what days. No room for misunderstanding then.

To be honest your sh should be doing the more than you, like housework, cook etc. You’ve given birth and even if things were fairly straightforward you need as much rest as possible. You’ve carried and given birth it takes it out your body.
didn’t you talk about this before deciding to have a baby?

Him not helping now so you will be able to cope when he isn't here is absolute tosh! Don't let him get away with that.

You are both taking parental leave so you both need to parent! And parent equally. Or at least do equal duties. So if you end up doing more parenting then he picks up the slack with the housework and or cooking. As other posters have said, it's about shared downtime. It looks like he thinks he is ha is getting a 6 month holiday from work just because you have had a baby.

The 'help' he seems to be giving you could be achieved by going in to work a bit later (to allow you to shower) and no more.

Don't let this continue. I can tell when you do get back to work you will also be expected to continue with all the childcare and house work AND work while he just works.

This. 50/50 of everything, except breastfeeding if you're doing that.

His mother should be mortified that you have to hire help to make up for how useless her son is!