People dropping out last minute, is this the norm now?

[Azure82]

I had a special birthday a while ago and I decided that I'd invite friends over and do some drinks and nibbles etc and have a party at mine, i thought it wpuld be nice to have a get together again after all this time of not being able to. I thought it would be more inclusive as I know money is tight for some friends so all they had to do is turn up and have fun. I put out a message and had lots of replies saying they can't wait etc etc.. On the day before I had a couple people drop out and on the day I had loads of msg to say that people couldn't come anymore for various reasons.

Is this the norm now, for people to say they're going to something and change their minds last minute? If I say I'm going to something then I go but I guess I'm in the minority now. I wasn't expecting them to do anything else for me but a lot said they'd make it up to me and can't wait to celebrate another time but I've never heard from them since. Again, why say something if they have no intention of it.

I think people have definitely gotten more flakey since covid. Several times have arranged stuff ( or other have) and then up to 75% of people dropping out on the day. Pretty flimsy reasons to- had a busy day/ kids have been driving me crazy/ etc.

I think yes, have you not seen all the posts of people afraid to look at the outside let alone go there?

Yet they hate not having a life, yet they refuse to have one or they might die from a virus they've been jabbed four times for?

These people are never going to allow themselves to be mentally well again.

It used to be just angsty teens making plans then cancelling, now it's grown adults who are just as terrified of the world but still want to be in it, but just can't, but want to, but can't as IT'S NOT SAFE!

Yes, I agree. I just didn't expect it on my birthday. I feel embarrassed now I tried to organise myself something. I've had a really bad few months due to a bereavement too so maybe I'm extra sensitive.

All these friends are out and about, going here there and everywhere.

I’m sorry that you had to deal with this on your birthday.

it’s selfishness, I’m afraid. They accepted then waited to see whether they felt like it on the day, or the day before. A variant on this is the people who don’t RSVP because they, too, want to make their minds up the day before the event whether they can be bothered. Then decide that they would like to sit on their sofas eating a takeaway and watching Netflix instead of attending, because then they don’t have to make an effort with their appearance or, you know, talk to people.

It’s rude and inconsiderate of them. The mark of a true friend is when they do things that they don’t necessarily feel like doing because they love you.

Don’t feel embarrassed BTW. They should be embarrassed, not you.

I think when invitations are by message that makes it seem more informal. If you had sent out formal invitations then it would have been seen as an occasion. But that just may be a generational take on it.

Yes, maybe I shouldn't have sent out an invite. A lot of my friends hit the milestone before me and we always arranged by message. But I get what you're saying.

Tbh, I don't think it's covid related. People were complaining about this sort of thing before covid!

I think it's a lot to do with mobile phones tbh. In the olden days, you'd arrange to meet up or accept an invitation and it would happen.

As text messaging became more and more comonplace, it became easier to send a message en route to say you'd be 10mins/20 mins/30 mins late whereas, in the past, you'd just have been there on time.

My daughter is 15 and asked me a few weeks ago what people did before mobile phones of they were going to be late and couldn't let someone know. I just said we had to make sure we weren't late. Now, a degree of flakiness is seemingly accepted because its easy to let someone know you got sidetracked and are running late and it's easy to know that the other person received your message. There's no worry there and the etiquette has changed around it as a result.

As it became more acceptable to do this, it also became more acceptable to cancel. It's easier to cancel last minute by message. There's a distance there that isn't there with a phone call. It's easy to text ,"Really sorry, not going to make it. Something's come up. Sorry!" It wouldn't be so easy to do that by phone.

There's a general lack of consideration for other people now especially as invitations and 'better offers' are also made last minute via messages.

It's just completely changed how (some) people engage with others.

Yes im afraid this has happened to me. I rarely try and organise things anymore . At least some have the decency to actually say they're not coming . I've had people messaging me hours before saying how much they are looking forward to it, then just don't bother turn up, no apology or explanation

Azure that is lousy. I hope u had nice day. I found some friends flaky the past while its not nice behaviour. Cancelling or just not committing to things

I don't think it's anything to do with Covid, I just think people have become more selfish and downright rude.

I think more carefully about invites now and say no to more stuff, but if I'd said yes I would only pull out if I had a genuine reason (illness for example).

I don’t think it’s covid ( although some still use this as an excuse) . I think people have much busier lives and it’s true for a lot of people they’ll accept invite then better offer or they realise too much on and or simply don’t feel like it . I only accept plans when I can make it . I often am the one making arrangements and it’s so frustrating to agree on a date for last minute no Im sorry can’t make it with little or no explanation, it’s rude imo .

Are they real friends, and did you say it was a party?
My real friends would never do this. People met via MeetUp, etc do.
Also ‘drinks and nibbles’ implies something casual. People don’t feel guilty for ditching cuz they think others will be there and you can always save the crisps etc. A party OTOH…

its sad to be alone on your birthday though. Pity they’re such flakes

Also I myself generally honour invites.
it’s really common for people to drop out citing ‘mental health’ as a shorthand for ‘CBA’. It undermines people with real issues.

I’m going out for my 60th, my neighbours and close friends, their dinner paid for not drinks, sent invites!
i think money and Covid are the reasons

I think people make a lot less effort socially these days, mostly as a result of mobiles, messaging and social media. It's a real shame.

It is a big thing here. My friend invited sixty friends to a party and ended up with eighteen on the day with some pulling out an hour before saying they felt like they might be coming down with a cold . Another invited sixteen for a birthday dinner, on the day she ended up with four!! The list goes on, and it has caused so much upset, because many are not even coming up with a half decent excuse! I put it down to a mixture of anxiety, feeling overwhelmed and pure selfishness. A lot of people just suit themselves and see everything these days as optional.

It is very very embarrassing organising things and having a poor turn out, and so now I am just doing things very low key or not at all. I am usually extremely sociable too.

I had exactly the same for a big birthday 2017. I booked a hall and catered for the amount of people who said yes. 42 people cancelled on the day.

So I wouldn't say it's a post Covid new thing... It's been this way for years.

Yes no longer means yes.

That is terrible.

I sometimes wonder whether some of the flaky people are so lacking in social skills that (1) they are unable to say, “sorry I won’t be coming, but thanks for the invitation” when they are first invited, in case it leads to an awkward conversation, and (2) are terrified of being in a social situation because they have no conversation.

I honestly think people have got into a 'can't be arsed mentality' - especially if it involves travel more than a couple of miles, childcare arrangements, dressing up I think rudeness like this has been around a lot of past 8 years but covid ramped it up. It's like one of my friends who was always making arrangements on Tinder but then could never be arsed She liked all the fun of seeing who matched and texting-- but couldn't actually be arsed with dates.

Oh that's awful :-( it's so deflating isn't it having all those messages on the day. Are you still friends with them?

Please don’t be embarrassed. They are the ones who cancelled at the last minute. They are the ones behaving badly.

And tbh, the idea of sending formal invites for a birthday party? Serioulsy? That’s not a wedding (even though I wouldn’t be surprised that people are doing the same for a wedding Tbf).

The risk is that people who have organised stuff won’t be doing it anymore. And then people will be moaning that they don’t have a life, don’t see friends etc… whilst not understanding because they ‘obviously’ had a great reason for not turning up .

i don’t know what the answer is @Azure82 .
I’ve noticed the same. I know I can’t force people to actually keep their word and not be flaky. I’m trying to remind myself they are the ones loosing.

Most live walking distance to me and definitely didn't have to dress up. Nearly all of them had partners at home or children old enough to leave.