People dropping out last minute, is this the norm now?

[Azure82]

I had a special birthday a while ago and I decided that I'd invite friends over and do some drinks and nibbles etc and have a party at mine, i thought it wpuld be nice to have a get together again after all this time of not being able to. I thought it would be more inclusive as I know money is tight for some friends so all they had to do is turn up and have fun. I put out a message and had lots of replies saying they can't wait etc etc.. On the day before I had a couple people drop out and on the day I had loads of msg to say that people couldn't come anymore for various reasons.

Is this the norm now, for people to say they're going to something and change their minds last minute? If I say I'm going to something then I go but I guess I'm in the minority now. I wasn't expecting them to do anything else for me but a lot said they'd make it up to me and can't wait to celebrate another time but I've never heard from them since. Again, why say something if they have no intention of it.

Great post. Sick of flakes too! Or the must meet up soon x. I stopped chasing friends. Tired of it. It has put me off planning things after this thread!

Me too. I can think of anything they have flaked on, and definitely not the last minute.

My DS organises a lot of things for/with his friends and realises as well the effort that goes in.

You can be sure that the flakers are those that never bother themselves organising stuff, but are annoyed when they aren't invited.

Posters saying that they never wanted to get to know neighbours, ever, because ‘my home is my little sanctuary’.

Which is fair enough, but then simply decline the invitation. It's disappointing if you arrange something and almost everyone declines but not half as disappointing if you think they are coming and they either don't turn up or decline on the day.

We don't tend to do really big gatherings so don't have so much of an issue as they're more very close friends rather than associates but one thing I do that really helps is contacting people 48 hours before to check if all is going ahead/confirming numbers. I get perhaps one or two (usually the same ones who I've mentally discounted anyway as they never come!) who will go "oh god sorry xyz has happened, really sorry, next time etc etc" but to cancel then on the day after reconfirming 24/48 hours before seems to be rare.
I just send a polite message like "just confirming numbers so I can buy the food/get drinks in, are you still joining us on Saturday?".

Oh, :( time to get new friends then as they don't seem to prioritise you at all.

What was weird was the utter outrage that any neighbour should ever show an interest in getting to know them and thus potentially crossing the threshold of their ‘little sanctuary’. I suppose these are the same oddballs who won’t answer the door if someone knocks.

Then complain they are lonely and have no friends….

I agree with some of the other posters, it's just easy especially with a quick text to just be flakey.

Also, with the entertainment at home, internet, netflix, online shopping etc, you genuinely don't have to leave your house to keep busy. Whereas before, an outing was also classed as "something to do".

At any party I'd be willing to bet that a good proportion of guests didn't really want to go when it came down to it. People over comit, do too much in the day, then by evening get tired, and can't be bothered to get ready and go out. (Even if its casual most people feel they have to mske some effort.) And if they're a couple, it usually only needs one to feel that way for neither to come. Considerate people who feel this way force themselves, and are usually glad they did, as they end up having a good time. Other people's ennui wins over their manners, and they think they'll be the only drop out so won't be missed. It's rude OP and disappointing, but don't take it personally.

Very true, 5128! I saw earlier on in this thread, a poster saying nobody turned up for her New Year's Eve party. 🤔

Dh & I felt let down, the New Year before Lockdown. It was a party at our local pub, which was fancy dress. (Not full-on fancy dress, just a 'nod' to the theme of the evening). There were 8 of us going, and dh & I had made quite an effort with our outfits. I woke up on New Year's Eve morning to an early WhatsApp message on our group, from our friend who said she'd been up all night with sickness, and wouldn't be able to come. (Could have been genuine, but she has form for cancelling). Her dh wasn't now coming either, as apparently felt bad leaving her. Minutes later, a message appeared from another couple we were going with, (exhausted from Christmas, and were looking forward to a takeaway & early night, so wouldn't be coming either). 🤔

We still went, with the remaining couple and yes, had a good evening but it wasn't the same with just the 4 of us, everyone else was in bigger groups.

We'll be far less inclined in future to put money and effort into fancy dress for a group 'theme'. I feel sad about it though, one person cancels and it starts a domino effect. Socialising never used to be this hard work! ☹

I think flakey and inconsiderate people have become even worse in the pandemic. I hate it; it's so rude. I don't organise big events now - and by big I mean inviting even 8 people for dinner- because I know everyone will cancel last minute and leave me sitting like billy no mates.

Sadly more common place, I think Covid 19 has increased it. Modern communication means you don't have to necessarily speak to the person to cancel, I'd guess if you had to, you would be less likely to.

Agree easy to pull out of plans now. I used to chase friends no more of it. Had enough. People dont put themselves out now. Flakey.

The 16th birthday party is so sad!
All you need is a small group of committed people. You may have to sift through piles of shit, but stick to them once you have them.
btw I can’t abide by lies. I know people have ‘mental health’ issues but very few are genuine IME in terms of cancelling parties. People just overextend themselves , or CBA.

People are utter shits and I often think if something 'better' comes up nobody gives a second thought about bailing on the original commitment. I've honestly given up organising events and nights out with those people now and stick to the ones that are dependable.

Back in the day, when we were really young, and didn't have mobile phones or social media, it didn't happen much. But there were still flakes. We had a core group of friends, 4 of us. 3 of us still meet. One had serious MH issues and chooses not to stay in touch now. She used to flake, but we got used to it. She only sends Xmas and birthday cards now.

Then two or three friends of friends started coming out with us. Everyone thought one in particular was great [except me]. "She's a little love" they used to say about her. She wasn't. She rang me a couple of times to go out just me and her and cancelled both times. I was no longer needed as she got a date. With a man. All she wanted was someone to go out with to find a bloke. When she got one you never saw her for dust. Now on 4th (rich) husband and in Spain.

Considerate people who feel this way force themselves, and are usually glad they did, as they end up having a good time.

Yes. One of my mum's favourite expressions when my sister and I were children and whining about going to a country park or woodland walk etc. was 'You'll enjoy it when you get there!' I say this to myself if I am feeling apathetic about anything I have planned.

Are they in their laste 30s or 40s by any chance? I'm ashamed of people in my age group, they are incredibly flaky.

This actually makes me feel a bit better that it isn't just me. Though still pissed off at so many flaky people.

It was a significant birthday for me in March and I did a private booking in a restaurant that I paid for. I thought I'd have problems narrowing down who to invite, but actually I ended up short of numbers! Some people did say no, loads complained about getting babysitters and made me feel guilty, some dropped out with a week to go and some on the day.

Same as others I was embarrassed at making a fuss, and have sworn not to bother doing anything big again. It's DH turn in a couple of years and luckily he isn't fussed his will be a much smaller thing with just our close friends.

That's awful, Razorstorm. ☹ It's sad that so many just won't make the effort now, even for special occasions of people they're close to. How many actually came to the restaurant?

SIL drops out of events all the time or turns up very very late. So I did the same for her birthday dinner this year. Like bugger was I getting a babysitter and trekking into London when I wanted to sit on my sofa. So I waved DH off to the party and went to bed early. I'm never going to any of her future birthday celebrations (I'll have to feign an emergency or illness, as in laws wouldn't be agreeable to "I don't want to"). It's really liberating 😊

I had my 50th bday this year after a very tough couple of years. Intended to treat some friends for drinks and dinner, but after having so many friends flake on me in recent times, DH and I decided to go away for the weekend. Much less stressful. I am a sociable person and feel sad about this, but I can''t keep arranging stuff for people who cancel the night before. My friends are in my age group so don't need babysitters,and several only work part time.

I've missed a lot of things over the years due to getting sick, car breaking down, mum or kids getting sick, knee going and sometimes simply having absolutely no money (as in not enough to get to where I had to go). Huge hugs op, sometimes I promise you that it is bad luck x

I invited a friend and her family over for the day on Easter Saturday. The kids were excited. We were planning to get a take away for lunch and do a a bbq for dinner. We'd bought drinks and ice creams etc and set up toys outside.

2 hours before they were due to arrive, my friend texted to say she wasn't feeling great, so they may not come. 1 hour before, she texted to say they were coming, but only staying for 1.5 hours max as they needed to leave at 12:30pm to get back for a delivery. She mentioned lunch "might be a bit rushed, so they could grab a sandwich themselves if need be".

When they turned up, I agreed with her plan that they get a sandwich after they left. No way was I going to order a takeaway for someone who does that and then dashes off. Total waste of a day when I would have invited other people over. My little ones were so disappointed. The older kid refused to socialise at all and lay across his mother's lap the whole time, the husband doesn't seem to have a personality and only answered questions with a couple of words 😂 and the younger kid literally destroyed our playroom. Never again for that particular family!!

@Wisteriabloom I booked for 30 and 22 came.

A close friend said (afterwards!) I'd not made it clear I was paying. I thought I had. It doesn't really matter about the money though, it's about bending over backwards to be there for my friends and not getting the same care back.