People dropping out last minute, is this the norm now?

[Azure82]

I had a special birthday a while ago and I decided that I'd invite friends over and do some drinks and nibbles etc and have a party at mine, i thought it wpuld be nice to have a get together again after all this time of not being able to. I thought it would be more inclusive as I know money is tight for some friends so all they had to do is turn up and have fun. I put out a message and had lots of replies saying they can't wait etc etc.. On the day before I had a couple people drop out and on the day I had loads of msg to say that people couldn't come anymore for various reasons.

Is this the norm now, for people to say they're going to something and change their minds last minute? If I say I'm going to something then I go but I guess I'm in the minority now. I wasn't expecting them to do anything else for me but a lot said they'd make it up to me and can't wait to celebrate another time but I've never heard from them since. Again, why say something if they have no intention of it.

I will tend to do something I've said I'm going to do, but as o get older I find there are lots of things I can't be bothered to do. I have 2 lovely female friends who I enjoy spending time with, but their husbands don't interest me. One is a really boring and repetitive when he's drink, the other just not my cup of tea. So, if I've arranged to do something with the friends but then find out husbands are coming I'll probably cry off!

Another old friend wants to meet for a night out, I do not want to spend a whole evening with him so instead I'll meet him for a brunch!

So many horror stories on here, it is enough to make you shrivel and stay at home. I am supposed to having a jubilee afternoon, having serious second thoughts now!!!

I know Razerstorm. I took a big step back as tired of flakes. You could just not rely on them or yet again me doing all the driving to theirs. But I have 1 or 2 good friends thankfully.

Such rudeness.

@BeeBeeBea,that would really piss me off as the children were disappointed.
I wouldn't dream of a second chance.
One strike and you're out.

I'm don't do or tolerate flakiness.

However, I have definitely noticed I am more of a No thanks person than yes these days.

I just say I can't make things straight up.

I am not interested in a lot of socialising and will only make an effort for those closest to me.

The last two years have made me very ambivalent about a lot of regular socialising.

I find it exhausting, so have dramatically slimmed it down.

My friends do tend to come through and are pretty rock solid, and I have had some very successful evenings, but I have witnessed such flakiness lately at parties and dinners that is making me nervous about doing anything. I honestly find it heartbreaking, as people genuinely put so much thought, effort time and money into organising lovely things, it is the epitome of rudeness to bail with a rubbish excuse.

Why don't you want to go out anymore billy? What has changed? It would be good for people that have been noticing this to understand your reasons and thoughts behind declining lots more invites than usual.

I agree that flakiness is as old as the hills, but instant messaging has made it easier.
I remember complaining about flaky people who always cancelled 25 years ago.
Sadly, it's not new, just easier.

I went to a hen do three weeks ago where the hen's supposed best friend didn't turn up on the day. Initially she said it was because she'd missed her train (with a hangover) and couldn't afford the ticket for the next train. When I said I'd pay for it she admitted she wasn't actually at the train station yet and was basically too rough to get out of bed.

I could have cried for my friend - she tried to put a brave face on but she was obviously gutted and it sounds like it's not the first time.

Was she meant to be a bridesmaid? I would have sacked her!

I don’t organise things anymore. If I ask anyone whether they want to join me somewhere, I don’t chase a response, I just wait a few days then go ahead and make plans anyway. Fed up with so-called friends not responding to messages, or saying they “just need to check calendar first” (you’re at home, so go and check it!). Arranged to meet some friends recently for afternoon drinks at pub, date was arranged for ages, they then announced on the day that they were going to be at least an hour late if not more, as they had booked a Tesco delivery. I would say flakiness is more prevalent nowadays, it’s so easy to send a quick message and not face the wrath of cancelling in person.

I have a big birthday coming up and was going to organise a party, but on reflection I’ve decided to put the money I would have spent towards a lovely holiday instead.

Three people didn't turn up on the day of my wedding, more evening guests didn't show. Never spoke to me about it and so now I no longer have anything to do with them. Could have at least sent a text which would have been shitty but shittier not to mention it at all?

One day guest (wife of a close friend of my DH who was our witness and did a reading etc) was worried about covid. She wasn't worried the day before? Or the month after when we saw her at a busy party in a town pub.

I can neither be bothered to give out invites, or even to accept them. But if I say I'll be somewhere then I will.

I have a few good friends. I wouldn't dream of letting them down and I've spent many evenings smiling and making small talk when I'd rather be at home. I've gone on hen parties and worn the silly pink sash for my friends. That's what you do.

I don't think people even derive joy anymore from simple things like just getting together and having a laugh. There is an illusion that there is always something better, something more novel or something of greater value just around the corner. Somewhere better to be. Of course, the reality is, there really isn't, and the disappointment leads to more apathy.

Capitalism with its illusion of choice, its placing of value on the superficial and the novel, and the way its subsumed human relationships and reduced everything to exchange values and value is seen as purely something to be exchanged means we barely recognise the humanity of others. Along with the 'death of god' and a shift in human subjectivity towards the merely biopolitical we now hold up the liberal individual to the elevated position of a demi god, whilst excluding others from this elevated position. We do not see the humanity and feelings others reflectEd back at us, we do not see ourselves reflected back at us through others. We whine about lack of respect or kindness whilst showing only cruel selfishness towards others.

I can't be arsed anymore with superficial chit chat with people who wouldn't piss on me if I was alight. But equally, I really miss the other life when it was fun.

I think its so sad for young people especially.

They have no shame with this flaky attitude. Its lousy op. Puts me off arranging things now

Was she meant to be a bridesmaid? I would have sacked her!

Incredibly she's still a bridesmaid - I think my friend doesn't want to admit to herself how shitty her best friend is.

On a slightly different tangent here but I find the same disrespectful attitude in the workplace. I can not begin to describe the number of planned meetings (in the diary organised formally) that never happen because nobody turns up. No apology, no explanation just simply no show. These colleagues are of mixed ages so not a generation 'thing'. Maybe an institutionalisation 'thing'!

Tortola - Yes, I've noticed this in the workplace too. Some people have no concept of the fact that if they don't turn up, people will be waiting for them. I just couldn't imagine not letting people know, if I'd said I'd be somewhere and then couldn't be.

On a better note, I had a lovely catch-up with a friend I haven't seen since before Lockdown, over Bank Holiday weekend. She messaged me on the Friday and asked if we could meet up on Sunday, and it actually happened! It felt nice, tbh, that someone got in touch with me for a change, off their own back, stuck to the arrangement and didn't cancel!

I've had so many cancellations/postponements from people in the last few years, I was almost expecting her to cancel last minute. But she didn't, and we had such a lovely afternoon! 🙂

How lovely Westeriabloom.

I think the worse ones are who ask about your upcoming event and are the types that will make digging comments if you didn't invite them but when you do invite them, they don't turn up without informing you. This happened recently which I was left fuming and upset. Next time I won't invite them but would proudly bombard my sm with photos and await for the digging so I can remind them of the flakiness as some of these people will still have the audacity to dig. I keep events to family only from now on.

Also, the flakiness extends to the hosts as well where I was texted just minutes before that the event was rescheduled the following weekend where I had already arranged a babysitter, took a taxi to the restaurant. I declined at the spot because I'm not flaky but kept the present and stayed in the following weekend treating myself for a takeout.

Thank you Tortola, it was! 😊
I know what you mean Expresso, and I don't blame you for staying in and treating yourself, after all the effort you'd gone to the previous weekend!

A few years ago I was disappointed, when birthday plans with friends came to nothing. 🤔 I was already having a weekend away with dh the week before my birthday, which was lovely. 🙂

Then a friend put on our friends' WhatsApp group (4 of us there) - 'It's Wisteria's birthday coming up, we must celebrate'! So I suggested a restaurant the following Friday - (one couldn't make it as was away, but the other 2 were keen)! So I booked, then a few days later the one who'd suggested celebrating WhatsApped and said she could now only spare an hour or two that night, as it didn't seem fair to leave dh on his own with the kids, and perhaps we should rearrange. (He's never struggled before)! The other one then WhatsApped she could no longer make it. ☹ I said ok we can postpone, and left it to them to rearrange. Guess what, it never happened!

So I was cancelled on, on my birthday by the ones who suggested going out in the first place! Did they not like the venue I suggested, but didn't want to say? Did the one who suddenly couldn't make it, feel I wasn't 'enough' company, without the other 2? Hmm, I was left feeling quite upset. ☹ Please, those who flake on others, do spare a thought for the other person, it causes us a lot of hurt!

Wisteria thats horrible. I find some women so flaky. Puts me off planning now. I feel that reliable side of friends is gone. I do cinema but just meet one friend its just easier

Flakiness is so hurtful sometimes. My friend group is my family. We have , or had, an event every year, a family tradition for my birthday. It was always great fun and the kids loved it. More about getting everyone together than my birthday. I tried to organise it last year, it was hell. All vagueness and diary checking. Then I find out an alternative event is happening the week before that the family find more exciting so they can't possibly do both. Quite a few never spoke to me directly about it and told me they weren't coming or apologised. Gutted. Worst thing is I have to explain to my kids why I'm not going to try this year. Really upset me as I can't even rely on family not to flake. I've learnt a lesson from this.

Slightly tangential here, but I think peope these days just do not want to leave home and prefer to do everything by Zoom.

Someone I know organises free events for women in my profession. Pre-Covid at least a 100 people used to attend. Post-Covid, 5 have confirmed and likely maybe 2 will drop out.

It's sad really. I think we are losing everything to screens.

** people