Fed up of constant power struggle and bickering?

[mummyrocks1]

How do DH and I solve this? We seen to never see eye to eye on anything and I feel very worn down by it all. I find him petty, immature and lazy.

Our arguments are so petty its ridiculous but he can't seem to stop or help himself. Egs we have a rare night out. I drive and he needs to give a running commentary on my driving, I am too close, watch out, shouldn't have changed lane etc. why did I park there, I should park there, too far away etc. I admit I argue back all it becomes a petty argument. But I have asked him a million times to just shut up about it. He might not agree with my driving but just keep quiet. He can't so in the end I get angry and ask him if that was worth it ruining our night out over it? By the time we are there I feel any time we spend together we argue and don't want to spend time with him.

Today I thought I must try and be more chilled and not answer back. So over dinner I say to dc we need to look online for some simmer shorts for a 4 week holiday we have coming up. I don't think the 3/4 pairs is enough. DH interrupted saying he does think it's enough. I didn't answer trying to not retaliate. He raises his voice looking at me and says yes! I gently disagree. He shouts that he's got enough shorts, his opinion doesn't count etc. I say is this really worth arguing about in front of the dcs? I sort everything to do with the dcs and think he's wrong. He continues to argue.

This is the kind of arguments we have everyday. I am tired of it and don't want this for the next 40 years, we are early 40s. I know it's ultimately not about the shorts it's because he feels I take over all decisions, I don't follow what he wants. I don't think this is the case. The trouble is when you disagree on so much down to how many bloody pairs of shorts dc has then someone's point of view has to be followed. It's so exhausting. I don't see how we can solve this but I ve had enough.

Does sound like a power struggle. He sounds like a dick.

You 'not answering back' isn't going to solve the issue. You aren't a child being cheeky to their parents.

He is a dick that likes to pick and poke at you constantly. That's the problem. You can't solve the problem. The problem, is him.

I think you need to tell him you won't accept it anymore. Them see if he changes.

Sorry that should have been 'doesn't sound like a power struggle'

I have told him that. He just continues anyway. He says everything is about me, he has no say etc. I disagree and think he makes everything about himself. I am at the bottom of the priority list.

We are starting couples counselling. When we discuss arguments he sees them completely differently to me, it's like we witnessed two different things. His side is he didn't shout, we had a debate. He disagrees and doesn't think it's necessary. I should do what he wants. End of. Trouble is we disagree on so much, he has to give his opinion on all things, he can't leave it, even when asked to, so it becomes exhausting when we disagree on everything.

You are not happy together and you need to have a conversation about it. You do not have to spend your life with someone with whom you are unhappy. Bit of a waste of life really.

Talk to him - tell him you do not want to spend the rest of your life like this and what does he think. Is he able to change does he think and if not how might you organise an amicable split. You do not have to live like this.

I have, we have had numerous conversations about it. It all came to a head in covid. I was deeply unhappy, we have lots of issues. In fairness he has stepped up in a lot of other ways. I was feeling happier. I think he's unhappy with the balance of power, feels I take over, he has no say. I feel I can't rely on him so need to or he makes everything about him. I simply think his opinion on things is wrong and he thinks mine is. I ve asked him just to pick his battles and leave things he just can't seem to help himself. I feel he needs to criticise and do a running commentary on everything. Petty comparisons are constant. I asked him to sort the kitchen today, his knee jerk reaction is to say I could have sorted it, why does he have to? What have I done that day? That is his reaction to everything. I feel so ground down. It feels so childish. Everything he does it I loose a bit of my drive to make the marriage work.

Book couples therapy?

It's cheaper than divorce if you can sort things out

We are on the road to couples therapy, have had one session. I am not sure it will work though. At the end of the day we just don't agree on things, we just have different perspectives on things, that's not going to change.

Also, he doesn't tend to follow things through and thinks he knows best. We have had advice to deal with ss who has ADHD in the heat of the moment he ignores it and does what he wants. We have had so many conversations about him doing x and me doing y. I feel I follow through, he just continues the same old. Just like when I have asked him a million times to shut up about my driving. It goes in one ear and out the other. Or I feel we have discussed something, reached a compromise and agreed. The very next time it happens I will remind him of this. He says he never agreed or did so to shut me up or he's the one always having to change/agree. So it goes on.

I feel like I married an immature, selfish and petty man. He puts himself first. I should have seen the signs and that won't change.

Any chance he has ADD?

It sounds absolutely fucking exhausting and soul destroying OP. All of it. And he won’t change because he doesn’t want to.

My ex would verbally dig and poke at me constantly. He was abusive in other ways too but honestly, it was the constant criticism and undermining of me that nearly broke me in the end.

I can still remember the blessed relief I felt when he left and I realised I was free to go about my life without his constant twattery.

Some elements probably- but don't we all?
However, I do think I have dyslexia and some form of adhd. Investigating about my dd made me think a lot about my own behaviours. I have always had difficulties with friendships and relationships. I don't read social situations well and I do think I have a very black/white view. I struggle to understand situations and people. I have had difficulties with my chosen career. This is what confuses me. DH knows this and uses this against me to make me feel confused. To make me feel I am wrong. He says I am the one where xyz has happened and struggled with abc and then says it was a joke. He makes me question if I am right, if I am difficult, if it's all me. I feel confused as he gets on well with everyone. People are drawn to him, less so to me. I struggle to make friends. I feel like everyone else sees the best of him and I get the worse. He says that because of the way I am. That I am difficult, he's not like this with anyone else.

I think a lot of women have this misery in their lives, of being corrected, contradicted and questioned, for no good reason. As pp said, it's exhausting.

I have one of these. It's bloody irritating.

Next time he picks on anything you are doing like for example driving somewhere, just sweetly say “One man, one job.” If he keeps on, just ignore him. Keep silent, just switch off. Carry on doing it yr way. If u have to say anything just keep repeating the mantra.
If he disagrees with other stuff just say “Yes dear”. Keep saying it and next day, do it your way. Go out & buy the extra shorts.
Try not to let him get to you.
Counselling sounds like a very good idea. Good luck.

Are you beyond counselling?

I did it a couple of times with an Ex and he just took that over as well.

Give counselling a good shot and be ready to walk away if it doesn't help resolve the situation.
Life's too short to live with an argumentative bully.

How will counselling help him release the need to constantly reprimand, criticise and control you? OP it sounds insufferable. It’s no way to live

If DH complained about my driving I would park up and ask him if he wanted to walk 🤷🏽‍♀️

That's what I mean. I wonder if anything will change. It doesn't after many conversations. I got very unhappy and depressed in the final lockdown and it's only then that he changed.

I try to look at things from his point of view . He says it's the mummy show, he has no say, it's always him changing. But we have such different views of all things someone has to give in. Eg I like holidays/ he doesn't. There's no middle ground. I think dc needs something, he doesn't- no middle ground. I think it's the DH show, I feel he makes everything about himself. He only does things to get something in return.

@SpindleInTheWind He won't go to therapy because we don't need it he says, if I just work a little bit harder and listen to him we won't have a problem.

I'm biding time tbh, I've had enough of it. Like the OP, I can't do another 40 years of this.

I am tired of it and don't want this for the next 40 years,

So.Who is telling you this? You have your own your own life choices, so go for it.

Coming from a single mum. Not easy.But it always better than a man-child in the house. He sounds dreadfully egocentric.

You deserve so much better and so do your children!

Thanks I will try it.

I know if I buy the shorts he will cause another argument. It's gone past who's right snd wrong. I don't even care. We just don't agree on so many petty things and so many fundamental things- money, how to spend it, the division of Labour, how to bring dcs up, education, homework, dealing with the kids. We have different energy Levels, levels of laziness, sex drives. The list goes on. I think we just aren't compatible but at the same time I am torn about splitting up, I don't think I will meet anyone else. I don't think I would feel relived.

He brings the dcs into it. We argue in front of them which I hate. He says they agree with him like they take sides. They do say I am bossy and daddy should stick up for himself. I probably am I bossy one. I don't actually want to be but kind of fell into the role as someone needs to get things done, needs to organise things. I can't rely on him, I find him quite incapable and things wouldn't be done if I didn't. He certainly does stick up for himself. He's the one who shouts and can't have a discussion without swearing

He sounds absolutely awful. And I think this is one of the most concerning things you write:

"DH knows this and uses this against me to make me feel confused. To make me feel I am wrong. He says I am the one where xyz has happened and struggled with abc and then says it was a joke. He makes me question if I am right, if I am difficult, if it's all me. I feel confused as he gets on well with everyone. People are drawn to him, less so to me. I struggle to make friends. I feel like everyone else sees the best of him and I get the worse. He says that because of the way I am. That I am difficult, he's not like this with anyone else."

Seems like a big red flag to me. He's using your weaknesses against you, undermining your confidence in yourself and making you feel confused. It sounds as if he will stop at nothing in his desire to blame you entirely - to the extent that he will (and probably has already) seriously damage your self esteem.

It's a LTB from me.

sounds like both of you bring out the worse in each other.
i can't see how counselling would help.

I think get your ducks in a row and make plans to LTB