Fed up of constant power struggle and bickering?

[mummyrocks1]

How do DH and I solve this? We seen to never see eye to eye on anything and I feel very worn down by it all. I find him petty, immature and lazy.

Our arguments are so petty its ridiculous but he can't seem to stop or help himself. Egs we have a rare night out. I drive and he needs to give a running commentary on my driving, I am too close, watch out, shouldn't have changed lane etc. why did I park there, I should park there, too far away etc. I admit I argue back all it becomes a petty argument. But I have asked him a million times to just shut up about it. He might not agree with my driving but just keep quiet. He can't so in the end I get angry and ask him if that was worth it ruining our night out over it? By the time we are there I feel any time we spend together we argue and don't want to spend time with him.

Today I thought I must try and be more chilled and not answer back. So over dinner I say to dc we need to look online for some simmer shorts for a 4 week holiday we have coming up. I don't think the 3/4 pairs is enough. DH interrupted saying he does think it's enough. I didn't answer trying to not retaliate. He raises his voice looking at me and says yes! I gently disagree. He shouts that he's got enough shorts, his opinion doesn't count etc. I say is this really worth arguing about in front of the dcs? I sort everything to do with the dcs and think he's wrong. He continues to argue.

This is the kind of arguments we have everyday. I am tired of it and don't want this for the next 40 years, we are early 40s. I know it's ultimately not about the shorts it's because he feels I take over all decisions, I don't follow what he wants. I don't think this is the case. The trouble is when you disagree on so much down to how many bloody pairs of shorts dc has then someone's point of view has to be followed. It's so exhausting. I don't see how we can solve this but I ve had enough.

"We just don't agree on so many petty things and so many fundamental things- money, how to spend it, the division of Labour, how to bring dcs up, education, homework, dealing with the kids. We have different energy Levels, levels of laziness, sex drives. The list goes on. I think we just aren't compatible but at the same time I am torn about splitting up, I don't think I will meet anyone else."

Why did you marry him in the first place? Something must have attracted you to him and made you enjoy the relationship enough to marry him? Has he changed?

Of course children change a relationship, as there is suddenly a huge burden of practical, emotional and financial responsibility. I think if the mother takes on the bulk of it - including the mental load - it can create huge problems. I identify with some of what you write; perhaps I'm projecting but do you think that deep down you think he doesn't get a say if he doesn't do the work? (organising the children's clothes for example; noticing they need stuff and buying it, sorting through old stuff and selling/donating it, keeping on top of the laundry... if he doesn't do any of that who is he to have an opinion about how many clothes they need?!)

I also think your last comment is interesting. Are you afraid of being single? Surely being single is better than being with a man like this?

Personally if I found myself single I wouldn't look for another relationship, certainly not to live with a man again.

Give the couple's therapy a fair chance OP. To be fair to the man, who knows what he'd post if he was here about how difficult it is to communicate with you.

OP…. I don’t want to worry you but these were some of the exact signs of emotional abuse in my marriage with a covert narc. Exactly.

EXH had to be right. Always. Had to make his point of view known on everything and left no space for me to challenge it. If I did - on something as trivial as DC clothes - he said I was dominating him, controlling him, he had no voice. If I asked him to help me clean u0 the kitchen - as you describe - I was bullying him.

in fact the issue was about his relationship with his mother, who really did dominate and control him, in a very abusive way.

it left me exhausted, feeling voiceless, resentful and tbh a shell of a person after 15 years of it. Walking on eggshells all the time.

we also tried couples counselling but looking back, I can see how he manipulated the therapist by telling them how I dominated him, etc. I ended up feeling I had no voice in the therapy, either.

I would look up covert narc: reflect on your DH’s family relationships, and consider counselling for you alone, with an experienced therapist in abusive relationships. A lightbulb moment for me was Debbie Mirza’s book on covert narcissism.

good luck.

PS it’s taken me three years following leaving the marriage, ongoing support from Women’s Aid, therapy for me and the kids, for me to heal. And I still have a way to go. So I hope you can get the support you need.

I think biding your time and planning is a very good idea tbh. Good luck to you.

@MakingProgress2022
Sorry you have gone through all that. Sounds like you've made amazing progress. Keep on keeping on

Thankyou. My blood ran cold reading the OP because that was EXACTLY my situation.

like you OP I thought for years it was a power struggle/that we had different opinions/communication problems.

learned through WA that actually it was about his need to control/dominate.

really hope you are OK Op and can get the help you need. I am doing great now😀

I agree with this.
He sounds extremely controlling.
The driving criticism is a huge red flag.
You are an adult and what he is doing is criticising, undermining and controlling.

You are an adult, perfectly capable of driving and choosing to buy your son some shorts.
If it wasnt those things it would be something else.

He is also employing DARVO
Deny-denies what he has done
Attack- attacks and blames you
R-reverses the situation
V -sets himself as Victim
O-you as Offender, the wrong one.

Its text book stuff Op.

I have talked about the arguments with DH. Apparently the shorts bother him as it's spending unnecessary money that dcs will grow out of. He's always been funny about this. But it's fine for him to spend £££ on his own clothes. He has an opinion and wanted to tell me it. I think the problem is he doesn't feel like he does have one so now feels he has to have his opinion on it all.

The driving- because I make silly decisions apparently.

I asked if it's worth it. Why does he need to give an opinion on silly things. Why can't he keep quiet. I do about lots of stuff- why can't he?

He doesn't learn though. He will just do it about the next thing. He can't help himself.

You don’t sound compatible and I think you’d be happier living and parenting on your own. Imagine the peace of mind without having to live with his constant posturing and disagreeing. He wants to be king of the castle and has no respect for you. He’s the kind of man who would screw somebody else and then blame you for it. Get out now on your terms.

I am glad you are doing well.

I don't know. A lot of what you say is true to him but I am not walking on eggshells, he doesn't control me. He doesn't try but I definitely feel like he is manipulative. He definitely can't take the blame for anything. Nothing is his fault. It's all mine.

and of course the kids need more than 3 pairs of shorts if you’re going away for 4 weeks! He’s disagreeing for the sake of it. What does he expect will happen? Ask him to draft exactly how and when the shorts will be used on which days, assuming that each day the shorts will be covered in dirt/suncream etc what is his plan for washing the shorts and getting them dry. Print out a calendar and get him to practically work it through. In reality, you need a weeks worth of clothes. Washing once a week because nobody wants to me washing all the time on holiday. Ask him why he’s quibbling over £15? Shorts cost a few quid in primark. Get him to follow it through to a conclusion rather than just disagreeing with you for the sake of it. He sounds very immature and unpleasant

Your phrase 'power struggle' resonated with me because my DP can be a bit like this.

Luckily it's rare that we majorly disagree, but when we do he seems to see it as me manipulating/trying to control him/always do things my way? So he reacts as if it's a power struggle, whereas I feel like we're both in the same position - we each disagree with the other, so why is it me who's wrong or 'being controlling'?🤷‍♀️

I feel for you OP because it's hard and confusing to deal with.

but he is controlling you, isn’t he? You changed your response over DC shorts to stay quiet and not start an argument. Then you only ‘gently’ disagreed with him.

you’re changing your behaviour to avoid conflict. Just like you don’t stop and tell Him to get out of the car when he’s giving a running commentary of criticism.

manipulative…unable to take responsibility..it’s you that’s the problem…everyone else sees the charming side of him…it’s all classic stuff as pp said.

you sound very strong but this wears you down over years. Counselling for you (only) and some reading will help. Good luck to you.

I’m in bedroom now but of peace he just never just sup ita about crap I’m not interested in oh good next week it’s the cd crap again posting to this person the usual disappointment when nothing happens. Tomorrow I want to watch a surgical program he’ll be told shut up for an hour. Arguing I get tired now and can’t be bothered any more. I pity you yes 40 years if this isn’t fun. It wears you down.

Exactly. How do you deal with it? I have always found relationships hard to navigate. I find it hard to read situations, to know if I am right/wrong.

@mummyrocks1 Tbh I find it really difficult and still don't have an answer.

Mostly I just try to talk sense to him, like what I said in my previous post - "Why is me disagreeing with you 'controlling', when you are disagreeing with me too?" But not sure it really gets through tbh. As soon as we disagree on something where there actually has to be an end result - like you buying or not buying shorts - it's like I can almost see his eyes rolling mentally and the the figurative hackles go up. He often tells me he feels like he's been "backed into a corner", when it's purely just us feeling differently about something and needing to find a solution.

I find it really bizarre and upsetting to deal with as it often results in massive overreactions and strops from him.

DH is exactly the same. He strops and flies off the handle. He's the bad guy, it's the mummy show, he starts swearing, life's rubbish, poor me. Divorce me then etc

He is an abusive, controlling bully.

Your children are growing up in an abusive home.

Your life sounds utterly miserable.

Forget joint counselling.

Go on your own and start organising yourself to leave.

Your poor children and you deserve better than this.

He's a shit husband and a shit father.

Get organised.

Op and others
Please read " Why does he do that "
Inside the minds of angry and controlling men
By Lundy Bancroft
All will become clear.
Delete from your Amazon browsing history though.

@mummyrocks1 Yep, I get you completely.

As I say, luckily it isn't too often with my DP, but even this week we have been trying to agree on baby names and have been struggling with girls, and suddenly that's turned into "I feel like I just have to agree with one of the options you suggest and that's it".....even though we have both been suggesting names and both saying maybe/no? I don't understand why everything's got to be me vs him in his head, just because we don't immediately agree. It's such a strange mindset.

Leave, I had a DH like this amongst many many reasons it's one I couldn't take anymore. I've never been happier than now.

I’d be curious about the dynamic of his upbringing - has he siblings, was he the ‘golden child’ used to getting his own way, or is he acting out being an underappreciated child by now being ‘the boss’ in this setting? Whatever, he’s acting like a dick, his way or play the victim. You ARE being manipulated into changing your behaviour but for the sake of peace probably thinking ‘it’s only shorts.’ Continue the counselling and cite specific examples or suggest role play as you are at an impasse, and it will become terminal unless you reach some medium of communications. It’s dreadfully toxic for the children to be drawn in and agreeing mummy is ‘bossy.’