@mummyrocks1
Has your h been married before? You mentioned a ss, is that his son from a previous marrige.
Well you've had some excellent advice on here and I hope you are beggining to feel more confident that you are not the abuser, a question that must have entered your head as does with most people who are being abused and bullied.
You are being provoked and unfortunately now that you are seeing the truth, he is going to become worse. By worse I mean more strategic.
I think @Fireflygal is right he has the charming qualities of a covert narc, loved by everyone and then saves his real self for you. You must be exhausted and probably ill, I bet you even tell him you're ill just so he leaves you alone with the constant demands. He's a user and he's getting his monies worth, isn't he.
Look, you're never going to get anything right because he's devaluing you, all part of the process of control and he knows exactly what he is doing, mark my words. He is no fool, but he believes you are, and he will not like the realisation of your own abuse.
One step ahead, in fact many, just like a game of chess this man is thinking all the time of his next move, you were made to think this was a partnership, a team, not so, he was always pulling the strings.
You want him to understand and change, not possible, why would he change, he likes it just as it is, you would be rediculous to think he wants any kind of fairness. There you are doing all of the planning, thinking, worrying, and sorting whist he breazily walks in and with one small comment or look has you forgeting what you have exhaustedly done and on the backfoot again needing to please him, to keep the peace.
What a good wife you are, but he'll never let you know that, because for you to be told that would mean you could relax and that would never do. Even repairing the marriage will be up to you, but he's playing you, he has no intention of repairing, this councelling and offering to move out is just a performance to others, another tactic for him being the reasonabe one and you the demanding one.
You just fell into another trap.
My advice, grey rock him, don't engage, treat him as a stranger, imagine he is an aqauintance, be polite, but do not bite.
Tell him nothing about your discussions with others, including the councillor, find out your financial rights, talk to WA, read and educate yourself about covert narcs (try HG Tudor). He will use the children to scapegoat you, he will also have his smear campaigne ready, all the tools the controller uses, he sounds textbook, this must seem dramatic but he is exactly displaying all the signs of a progresive abuser at this point in your relationship and it will not get better, the screws become tighter. The only options are completely submit or escape.
Each step of the way if you try to escape his control, he will have a counter measure, this will not be easy, and at first he will wrap it up as though he cares for you, he doesn't, he cares only for himself, he is selfish. As you further loosen ties you will then start to see the mask slip further and his real self emerge, it won't be pretty and he may go next level and start to scare you into control.
I'm pleased you are here, the ladies here know what will come next if you are ready, there is no rush, just absorb some of the advice as a pp said let it sink in but in the meantime just remember...
He knows exactly what he is doing.
Now is that a very kind man ? He's not the innocent you think he is.