Fed up of constant power struggle and bickering?

[mummyrocks1]

How do DH and I solve this? We seen to never see eye to eye on anything and I feel very worn down by it all. I find him petty, immature and lazy.

Our arguments are so petty its ridiculous but he can't seem to stop or help himself. Egs we have a rare night out. I drive and he needs to give a running commentary on my driving, I am too close, watch out, shouldn't have changed lane etc. why did I park there, I should park there, too far away etc. I admit I argue back all it becomes a petty argument. But I have asked him a million times to just shut up about it. He might not agree with my driving but just keep quiet. He can't so in the end I get angry and ask him if that was worth it ruining our night out over it? By the time we are there I feel any time we spend together we argue and don't want to spend time with him.

Today I thought I must try and be more chilled and not answer back. So over dinner I say to dc we need to look online for some simmer shorts for a 4 week holiday we have coming up. I don't think the 3/4 pairs is enough. DH interrupted saying he does think it's enough. I didn't answer trying to not retaliate. He raises his voice looking at me and says yes! I gently disagree. He shouts that he's got enough shorts, his opinion doesn't count etc. I say is this really worth arguing about in front of the dcs? I sort everything to do with the dcs and think he's wrong. He continues to argue.

This is the kind of arguments we have everyday. I am tired of it and don't want this for the next 40 years, we are early 40s. I know it's ultimately not about the shorts it's because he feels I take over all decisions, I don't follow what he wants. I don't think this is the case. The trouble is when you disagree on so much down to how many bloody pairs of shorts dc has then someone's point of view has to be followed. It's so exhausting. I don't see how we can solve this but I ve had enough.

Your life will be so much better when you are on your own.

You are in a marriage, not a dictatorship. He is abusive, he’s using bullying tactics to ensure you do as he says.

Why should you have to ask him not to comment on your driving? Every.Single.time

Why should not be able to go to the gym and be punished by having to work late into the evening?

This is not how a relationship should be. It’s not healthy.

It's confusing as now we are getting on well. He says he wants it to work and is being all the things I would like him to be. But I know that won't be long term. It confuses me as then I think I am over reacting and things are ok.

Oh OP, your last post in which you define him as "not that bad" is actually a list of things that are almost worse than your original OP.

My DH isn't as bad as this but I do change my behaviour yes. But doesn't everyone in a relationship?

Sure, but mostly for the better. I make an effort to be less impatient and snarky because I know DH hates it (and lets be honest, most people would). Sometimes, I get up and make a dinner that I don't feel like it because I know he loves it and is tired and would appreciate it. I work hard for lots of reasons but one is that he depends on me and I love him so I want to be dependable.

I don't do things just to stop him from shouting at me.

I have stopped bringing up or answering back about things I don't agree with, when he accuses me of things.

So basically he gets to believe he's right and you have to suck it up.

I don't go to the gym as I don't have time and he won't do the school run so I can go. Apparently I should work all evenings to make up the gym time if I go during the day.

Completely uninterested in sharing childcare responsibilities. And probably largely uninterested in being a father. what a wanker. Why would you think this is okay for your DC? (DH has a day off today - he's on the school run as I type....)

I don't tell him things I have brought for the dc or me so he doesn't get cross.

Financially controlling. And, assuming many of these things are essential, I'm assuming without you buying them they would be neglected. Again, that doesn't sound great for your children.

I don't ask him to do things or favours for me as I know he will be cross or won't have time.

DH does things and favours for me all the time because he loves me and we're a partnership. And vice versa.

Please Please Please OP, don't let this man reel you back in.

He's moved out for 4 weeks and we are doing couple counselling. I am hoping this allows me to sort through my feelings, get some perspective on our arguments and some reflection time. I am hoping the counselling sessions will help to clarify things in my own head and decide what I want.

OP, if you intended the inherited shares to go to your DC, why don't you see about signing them over to them now, in a trust ?
A quick appt with a solicitor would let you know if you can do that and how to go about it.
At least that would be something he couldn't take from your DC ?

If you have even an ounce of sense, you will make this permanent.

Best for you and best for your children.

Don't be fooled by him suddenly being a better person. He's doing this to reel you back in and to stop you asking questions and thinking about leaving.

Think about it - if he can change and wants to change, why didn't he change before now? Why didn't he care enought to change while he was clearly making you miserable? Why did he choose to shout at you in front of the children, if he could change? Why did he pull you down and criticise and play the victim and gas light you if you could have changed?

All that time he chose not to change. He's only making an effort now for selfish reasons. If he wanted to change for you and your children he'd have tried long ago. He's doing it now because for the first time it's HIM that's being affected by his bad behaviour. Utterly, utterly selfish of him.

If he's genuinely changing, why didn't he do it before?
But he isn't genuinely changing, he's putting on a show for you and your therapist, and the world probably, so he can reel you back in, be the victim, the one who tried but was badly treated. If you let him back in now he would revert very quickly to his usual self. He's just trying to manipulate you in a different way.

I'm so glad you're making progress and that he's moving out. Stay strong. Keep talking. Tell people IRL what he's like if it helps. Let them see the real him.

At worst, you have been living with an abusive man which is awful for you and DC. At best, you are living with someone you're totally incompatible with and it will never work (which is awful for all of you). Either way the only answer is to part ways.

@layladomino is right, men like this don't change they get worse.

Believe me, and I think you know this yourself, you are putting off the inevitable.

You will try to gaslight yourself, hoping for change, this stance you are putting up with now, as you see it you are trying to regain some equality in the relationship.
He on the other hand will see it as subordination, you will be punished for this episode in the future, he will not forget.

It's good that you are seeing his actions as that of someone who is selfish but your plan to change him will be fruitless. There are so many ways this could play out but the crux of the matter is that he will want to win.

I'm afraid in years to come you will get hurt, and much more hurt than you have already experienced, that may not seem possible but this man I think is a highly manipulative, selfish, unkind man and his mask will keep slipping away, until one day you will see his true self.

I wouldn't put my future, my happiness or my trust in this man.
Protect yourself.

I hadn't thought of that. Thanks. I won't do it now as we are hoping to sort things out but definitely if we can't. I think I would have to give him some though otherwise he might want to take the house. I would want to stay here until dc are old enough to leave.

In fairness he has made changes since initially telling him how unhappy I was a couple of years ago. But these changes are more helping around the house and being more present for me and dc. He does seem to think that's all I need. Other aspects haven't changed.

I think I need to give him and couple counselling a chance. If he does revert back to old ways then I have my answer. Yes I think he is panicking right now and is suggesting random things. But that doesn't mean changes will be short lived.

I am not perfect either though. I am going to have to listen to his pov and also make changes too as neither of us are giving the other what they want.

Is he even going to attend couples counselling? I'd be surprised.

I respect your desire to try OP. This is the father of your children, you've invested a lot in the relationship etc. I get it. BUT please be clear in your own head regarding what it is that you want and need because it would be very easy for him to say the right things, make a few minor changes and then convince you that the rest is your problem.

except for the inheritance, you haven't mentioned finances. But reading between the lines I'm starting to suspect that you are funding the family to a large extent? Which will be another reason why he doesn't want to separate - he'd have to pay and/or would lose a meal ticket. He might not even be thinking of it in those terms, but that's what's happening.

Yes. I am going to write down what I want from the relationship and how we could get it. I know I will have work to do too.

Our finances are tricky. I am fortunate enough to have got inheritance which has meant we are mortgage free and have money tied up in investments which we don't touch.

He is the main earner by a long way. But I have the potential to greatly increase my earnings by the end of the year.

Please get good legal advice re your inheritance.

This should be top of your to do list.

I hope that you are also going to get your own counselling as well?

Also, it is not recommended to attend joint counselling with an abusive partner/Spouse, as often they’ll manipulate you/the counsellor into laying all the blame on you.